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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS has a child and doesn't want anything to do with him

448 replies

Minewo · 28/05/2021 10:53

I've been lurking for a while but I'm posting as I need advice.

DS is 19 and split up with his girlfriend a few months ago. The other day the girls mum messaged me (we know each other but aren't close) telling me to tell DS to leave her DD alone and stop asking if they can get back together, as her DD doesn't want to get back with him especially as he cheated on her and has a child. I had no idea, I spoke to DS and he denied it at first but then he admitted he has a child but he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't.

I just don't know what to do and I just feel so sad as I thought I brought him up better than for him to just abandon his child Sad

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/05/2021 11:45

he doesn't want anything to do with it as he was drunk and he told the girl to have an abortion but she didn't
If this was my son I'd clear him up very clearly on the fact that getting so drunk you don't use a condom does not make a baby the woman's fault.
I'd be pretty disgusted with this attitude tbh and agree that I wouldn't be supporting him any longer - sad as that would be.

Is your gc a little girl or a boy?

lavenderandwisteria · 28/05/2021 11:46

That sounds so hard op and must have been a rotten shock Flowers

I’m not condoning his actions for a moment but I think this is the fault of society. And I think impressing upon him that society is wrong rather than trying to shame or guilt him (not suggesting that you were) is a way forwards that might help.

So I would talk to him about how he felt - scared and worried and panicked - and understand. I think you could ask a few open questions - how do you think Sarah was feeling, do you think you could have helped Sarah - but gentle.

I think above all he needs to understand financially he simply has to contribute and it’s a non negotiable but again this is something he’ll need to understand without judgement.

I wish you well Flowers

ravenmum · 28/05/2021 11:50

In what way do you think it might be society's fault, lavender?

UnsureOfNC · 28/05/2021 11:51

Must be hard OP, my parents went through the same thing with my brother. In the end they have a very good relationship with my nephew and have him every other weekend. My brother has nothing to do with his soon and my parents now have nothing to do with my brother (a lot more to the story)
Could/would you have a relationship with the child?

Serpenta · 28/05/2021 11:52

Must have been such a shock for you. OP, to receive the news like that. I can understand why you're gutted that your son wants nothing to do with the baby. You could try and diplomatically open lines of communication with your grandchild's mother, keeping in mind she might have no interest in hearing from you. But maybe if you do it in a non-overbearing manner she might be willing to allow you to have a relationship with your grandchild. Could you offer her money towards the baby's upkeep?

I'm not surprised you're upset with your son's attitude ('told her to have an abortion' Angry) but he's very young, and sounds very immature, so there's still a chance he might decide to step up. Can you and your ex sit down and have a calm discussion with him about his responsibilities?

Good luck!

andfinallylifeisgood · 28/05/2021 11:55

@Happycat1212

Also why is he pestering this girl to get back with him yet wants nothing to do with the baby?

The baby is with someone else, not the girlfriend he is trying to get back with

Ahhh I see, still doesn't change my opinion.
newnortherner111 · 28/05/2021 11:56

I am glad you feel a dad should not walk away from their responsibilities. Perhaps he gets such an attitude from our Prime Minister.

TiltTopTable · 28/05/2021 11:58

I’m not condoning his actions for a moment but I think this is the fault of society. And I think impressing upon him that society is wrong rather than trying to shame or guilt him (not suggesting that you were) is a way forwards that might help seriously?

lavenderandwisteria · 28/05/2021 11:58

@ravenmum

In what way do you think it might be society's fault, lavender?
I think that there is an attitude that this is a socially acceptable thing to do and men do it all the time. That’s awful and it’s wrong. But I think telling him he is awful and wrong will be counterproductive. So personally I wouldn’t do this.
lavenderandwisteria · 28/05/2021 11:59

Well what would you suggest tilt?

Because telling him what a horrible person he is really won’t change this situation. I can assure you of that.

It’s a possible angle for the OP to take, I wish her well. I’m off out again though Smile

LadyCatStark · 28/05/2021 12:00

I don’t have any advice sorry but that must have come as a huge shock to you!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/05/2021 12:00

You must be so disappointed OP! I would personally be forging a relationship with this child and I'd also be making sure my son paid maintenance, after giving him a good talking to about why it's a shitty rotten thing to
A. Impregnate a woman then ditch her, and
B. Harass a different woman

andfinallylifeisgood · 28/05/2021 12:01

@lavenderandwisteria oh so instead you suggest that she absolves him of any fault Confused. The way he's behaved is his fault, nothing to do with society. Odd outlook and I think part of the reasons we have these types of 'men' unable to take any responsibility for their own actions.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/05/2021 12:01

@lavenderandwisteria

Well what would you suggest tilt?

Because telling him what a horrible person he is really won’t change this situation. I can assure you of that.

It’s a possible angle for the OP to take, I wish her well. I’m off out again though Smile

Maybe we wouldn't live in such a broken society as you say, if we didn't pander to men and blame women so much for men's fuck ups? Just a thought @lavenderandwisteria
DrManhattan · 28/05/2021 12:02

Hope you are ok op. That's such a shock.
I would reach out to the babies mum and explain that you are there, regardless of her relationship with your son. He sounds a bit immature, he will probably come to regret being so flippant when he grows up a bit.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/05/2021 12:02

@UnsureOfNC

Must be hard OP, my parents went through the same thing with my brother. In the end they have a very good relationship with my nephew and have him every other weekend. My brother has nothing to do with his soon and my parents now have nothing to do with my brother (a lot more to the story) Could/would you have a relationship with the child?
@UnsureOfNC I love that your parents forged a relationship with their grandson, they sound amazing. Such a shame about your brother though Sad
jagoda · 28/05/2021 12:04

I don't know who the mum is but I do want to know my grandchild.

Surely you have asked him? Confused What did he say? Is he refusing to tell you? Tell him if he doesn't tell you, you will contact all his friends and their parents in order to find out, that should get him talking......

As the XGF mum has already contacted you, I might be inclined to call her and to reassure her that you have spoken to DS about leaving her daughter alone, and add that you had no idea about the child - can she enlighten you? She might spill?

I hope this story has a happy ending for all of you but something has gone awry with your DS, and both his parents need to be having serious words with him about his misogyny and lack of responsibility.

joystir59 · 28/05/2021 12:04

Your son is now an adult and responsible for his own actions mores and values. I think it unlikely he will listen to anything you say at this late stage in his development. Also the mother of his child is under no obligation to involve you in the child's life just because you are a biological grandparent.

lavenderandwisteria · 28/05/2021 12:05

As a society I agree we shouldn’t pander to ‘men’.

But dealing with individual family relationships is different. The problem is, if you go in hard and say, you are awful, what you have done is unforgivable, you are disgusting, you should pay - that’s all true and might be the approach some of you would take. But I don’t believe it will actually change the situation at all. And that’s what I’d personally want to do. I would want him to understand his responsibilities, financial and emotional, and be a father.

If you’d do it differently by all means advise the OP. I’m not saying I’m right or wrong, it’s just how I’d personally approach it.

andfinallylifeisgood · 28/05/2021 12:07

@lavenderandwisteria fair enough

Notaroadrunner · 28/05/2021 12:07

Make sure your Ds knows that he absolutely has to stop contacting his ex gf. She'd be within her rights to report him for harassment. Why on earth does he think she would want to be with him after what has happened? He's walked away from a child who is allegedly his - doesn't paint him in a great light tbh.

As for the baby, I would ensure he makes contact with the mother of his child if only to organise child maintenance. Clearly, paternity would need to be confirmed before any money is handed over and before any of you embark on a relationship with this baby.

Subbaxeo · 28/05/2021 12:11

I feel very sorry for the teenage parents-drunken mistake with life changing consequences. I don’t understand why suggesting an abortion was such a terrible thing to do. I would suggest it to my daughter if she had a drunken fling at a party and ended up pregnant. However, the baby is here and it’s important to gently talk to your son about the choices he is making. Ask him to imagine how he would feel if he were that child growing up. He may not be able to financially contribute now if he is a student but certainly when he is earning. He is probably very downhearted and feeling his life is a mess-reassure him he will find a way through but only if he accepts he has to grow up earlier than his friends. I can understand why a young lad would want nothing to do with an unwanted baby but hopefully, he may change his mind and want to do the right thing.

CandyFIosss · 28/05/2021 12:12

Would people really start paying for a child on their sons behalf or even seeing the child without first having a dna test? This baby was from a drunken on night stand, personally I wouldn’t be seeing or paying for a child without confirmation it was actually my sons child. I’m not sure that would go down well with the mum though 🤔

Triffid1 · 28/05/2021 12:12

I don't have any experience on this but I do sort of understand what the PP is saying re society. The point is that your DS has had a child with another woman and he's managed to ignore it so completely that you don't even know about it. His life literally has not changed even a single bit. I'm assuming that your DS still lives with you, so that is, of course, even more shocking.

I'm not sure how much you can do as it's not like you can teach your 19 year old to be different. But I do think, especially if he IS still living with you, that you can try to ensure he takes some responsibility. so, at the very least, he needs to start paying. Can you withdraw benefits he gets at home until he steps up as a way to pressure him eg no more food/washing/use of car etc unless he steps up. I honestly don't know what's practical and/or possible but I hope you know what I mean?

AgathaAllAlong · 28/05/2021 12:12

How awful for you OP. If I were you I would make it clear that he has to pay child support and if he doesn't, he will be kicked out (provided that he lives with you, not much you can do otherwise). I would reach out to baby's mum in a very 'I'm here if you need me, no pressure' way. Tell her you are happy to help with whatever she needs. Don't make this conditional on having a relationship with baby, just let her know you are there. Send baby a christmas / birthday present every year just to keep that contact. Hopefully she will eventually let you be part of baby's life.

The whole "I told her to have an abortion" is disgusting. I do agree that no point framing it like that, though. Just make clear to him what his responsibilties are, that being drunk does not make a baby the woman's fault, that the fact he wanted her to have an abortion does not make the baby the woman's fault, and that he is just as responsible for this baby. Make sure he doesn't have more!