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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People who have nannies and cooks around the clock etc

215 replies

claramonica · 27/05/2021 19:48

I know this is unreasonable and none of my business and also not my place to make a judgement on.

But people who have nannies from basically day one and cleaners- do they really know what parenthood ( especially baby stage ) is actually like for people who don't have that ?

OP posts:

TropicalFairyCake · 28/05/2021 11:35

Me too. I genuinely enjoy raising children which is why I had them. I did assume most people felt the same (hence having more...) even though there can be tough periods.

For those who had children but don't like it I'm very glad there are longer hour nurseries/nannies/boarding schools (as well as for those whose work requires it.)

kindofcoping · 28/05/2021 11:40

Just to add, yes some dads do treat the mum like a full-time nanny. And most people on MN acknowledge those dads are not really parenting and do not really know their children.
My father was like this. Yes I love him, but it is my mum I have a close meaningful relationship with. It was her who raised me, not my father.

peaceanddove · 28/05/2021 19:02

In what way does scrubbing your own bathrooms, or potty training your child make you a more 'meaningful parent '?

user1471538283 · 28/05/2021 19:13

I was told once by my DGM that she understood how hard it was for me as a full time working single parent because she worked when her kids were young. She seemed to forget that she had a cleaner, ironing lady, my DGF who earned a really good wage who was a hands on dad and cooked dinner each evening and her own DF who sorted out the children. So not the same at all ...

PioneerWoman · 28/05/2021 19:15

I know a woman who is a billionaire (her side of the family not her DH). My kids are friends with hers. I have known her for 15 years, just to say hi and polite chit chat, play dates when they were younger. She has a lot of staff, estates and is involved in the running of the multinational family business.

She is a great mum, very involved emotionally with the kids. I have never had a cleaner, no baby sitters (by choice). No way do I think I am a better mum than her. It’s not about cooking every meal and cleaning the family bathroom. She worries about her kids just the same as I worry about mine.

shouldistop · 28/05/2021 19:18

Well obviously not, just like I don't know what parenthood is like for those with nannies and cooks etc.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 19:21

Good for them! Don't see them as morally inferior to people who do it themselves, either.

Hallyup6 · 28/05/2021 19:31

People who can afford nannies and cleaners etc. generally have no idea what it's like to live in the real world.

Dutchesss · 28/05/2021 19:39

I would love a Nanny for all the hard work. I enjoy the days out and fun activities. I would love to be able to get home and someone entertains my children while I unpack and cook. Or to pay someone to unpack and cook would be even better.
I really do enjoy my children but I can see how much better it would be to have the responsibility shared.

ZenNudist · 28/05/2021 19:45

They pay to outsource the drudgery. It doesn't make them less of a parent. Most people I know with a Nanny or a housekeeper use it to cover work. I don't know anyone rich enough to have all that help so you can float around and check out from family life. Must be great

toocold54 · 28/05/2021 19:48

I’d love to afford a nanny, cook, cleaner etc but I often feel these parents are missing out. Surely they can’t be as close to their DCs than a parent who does everything for them and it’s often the times you struggle that brings you closer together.
There’s no judgment from me but half of me envies them and the other half feels sorry for them.

lakesidelife · 28/05/2021 19:53

Cleaning has nothing to do with bonding with a dc.

I've had cleaners only, full time live in help and currently have nothing.

I have to report that I'm not currently more bonded with my dc because I'm doing their washing and mopping the kitchen floor. I'm grumpier if anything.

I'll try and comfort myself with the thought it is going to bring us closer together!

IgglePiggleHater · 28/05/2021 20:01

If I spent less time cooking, doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, I would have more time to play with my DC. As it is, I often have to send them away when they want to play because I have housework to do. So I wouldn't say doing everything for them makes us more bonded. It makes me distant and resentful sometimes.

SmokeyDevil · 28/05/2021 20:04

@Workinghardeveryday

Not a clue. You can’t even imagine how hard it is unless you have done it yourself

I dunno about that. I can, but I think a lot of people lack an imagination or the ability to consider someone else's circumstances. I can guess very easily how difficult being a parent is, from birth to adulthood and it doesn't even really end there. The screaming at nothing, the crying, the vomiting when they are sick, the colic some babies have, the bullying problems when older, any other problems that arise etc. You're very rarely given a free day to yourself, can't often have lie ins anymore, holidays are dedicated to the kids for years if you get them at all. And that's not forgetting the changes pregnancy does on your body.

People with money have no idea usually, but then the average person doesn't either. It's amazing how many people are shocked by how difficult parenting is.

Foxhasbigsocks · 28/05/2021 20:21

There’s clearly a line where it is beyond just having help eg a family friend went to au pair for a rich family where they had her, a ft day nanny and a night nanny. As au pair she was there mainly there covering the weekend day time slots.

She said the parents almost never spent any time with the poor child. The child was 4 and not potty trained, as parents didn’t want the hassle of it so wouldn’t allow the nannies to try it. The poor child was also allowed to tantrum as previous staff had been sacked for trying to put in place boundaries, so staff were afraid to put in place normal age appropriate guidance and consequences.

In the end she felt it was a set up verging on almost being emotional neglect and she gave in her notice.

Mangomoonlight · 28/05/2021 20:23

Just nasty....

So you’re saying that even if you could afford this luxury you wouldn’t take the extra pair of hands to enable you to spend more quality time and ease the load of mundane tasks??

I can think of two families I know who do have a nanny. If you knew the reasons why the you wouldn’t judge and they are the most wonderful parents.

Drunkenmonkey · 28/05/2021 20:23

I think there must be a temptation to pay for a lot of help if you're really rich (and I'm not talking about people who pay a nanny just whilst they are at work) but I do think they miss out yes. Unfortunately the good comes with the bad, like lots of things in life.
I don't mean cleaning floors or washing dishes either because a cleaner could do that, I mean looking after your kids. Dealing with the emotions, the tantrums, the bedtimes the bathtimes. Some of my best conversations with my son happen when he's in the bath, and the sweetest moments are when he wakes up at night scared and needs a cuddle. I wouldn't share the parenting 'drudge' for anything.
I think ill look back on these days (small kids) and treasure them, so I want to experience as much of them as possible. Call me a martyr all you want (most overused word on mumsnet)

TheLastLotus · 28/05/2021 20:36

@Geraldinethegiraffe exactly!
Having children is a choice and the amount of martyrdom from parents (mainly women) is nauseating.
Anybody who asks the OP’s question is probably jealous they can’t afford help and makes themselves feel better by thinking that those with help are shit parents anyway.

TheLastLotus · 28/05/2021 20:39

Also all this guff about how much much hard work children are cleaning mopping etc etc is modern. Once they’re of school going age children don’t need that much attention.

Lavender201 · 28/05/2021 20:46

@MissTrip82 I have noticed that when I resuscitate a child their parents don’t tend to make too much of how sad it is that my own child is being cared for by someone else for that 12.5+ hours.

Spot on. The NHS would collapse if women (and lets be real, it’s women being judged here) all stopped working these long hours jobs. I bet these sneering posters wouldn’t like it if all those doctors and nurses and other emergency staff suddenly disappeared when they needed them.

But on mumsnet and in life, it’s often the mans “high earner” job which is valued and respected, and mothers who are judged for daring to have important careers.

As for these anecdotes about very wealthy mothers who pay for their three month old babies to be in full time nursery or nannied 24/7 so they can go to brunch/the gym (and so dad can work).... If they really cant cope or aren’t interested with parenting, it’s probably best for the children that they’ve got paid help. There are plenty of parents who can’t cope/aren’t interested in parenting who are a million miles financially from being able to afford a nanny, and it’s much worse outcomes for those children.

Notonthestairs · 28/05/2021 21:00

@claramonica

I know this is unreasonable and none of my business and also not my place to make a judgement on.

But people who have nannies from basically day one and cleaners- do they really know what parenthood ( especially baby stage ) is actually like for people who don't have that ?

@claramonica are you a nanny or are you writing an article about nannies? You seem very interested in nannies. You posted this yesterday "I just can't believe how some people treat nannies around here. So many horrible situations.

One doesn't want to give lunch to the nanny, the other just fires her whenever she sees fit.

AIBU that no one cares properly for their nannies ?"

You obviously have a keen interest...

Mreggsworth · 28/05/2021 21:08

No, bit of a tangent but reminds me of that scene in the second sex and the city film where Charlotte has a breakdown in the cupboard because her kids are being needy despite the fact she is a house wife with a full time nanny, I feel as if that was done so women could relate to her?...

Realitea · 28/05/2021 21:13

This goes very well with the post I just posted. Nanny, cook and cleaner all left as they couldn’t take anymore of being bossed around and worked so hard. Mother has no idea what to do and completely fallen apart. Has never put children to bed, doesn’t take them to school, no meals at night.
This is an extreme example but it shows how much these staff do for people and I find it sad that some parents don’t know what motherhood is.

MoesBar · 28/05/2021 21:16

I have a cleaner (weekly) and use wrap around care. I’m a single parent with 3DC, am constantly on my knees with exhaustion and would give my left tit to be able to afford a Nanny and a daily clean.

OverTheRubicon · 28/05/2021 21:26

@Drunkenmonkey

I think there must be a temptation to pay for a lot of help if you're really rich (and I'm not talking about people who pay a nanny just whilst they are at work) but I do think they miss out yes. Unfortunately the good comes with the bad, like lots of things in life. I don't mean cleaning floors or washing dishes either because a cleaner could do that, I mean looking after your kids. Dealing with the emotions, the tantrums, the bedtimes the bathtimes. Some of my best conversations with my son happen when he's in the bath, and the sweetest moments are when he wakes up at night scared and needs a cuddle. I wouldn't share the parenting 'drudge' for anything. I think ill look back on these days (small kids) and treasure them, so I want to experience as much of them as possible. Call me a martyr all you want (most overused word on mumsnet)

But you have one son. I'd personally not consider the occasional night waking a drudge. However especially with more DCs, sometimes it isn't as possible to enjoy these magical moments - because while you are enjoying an early morning cuddle with a child who had a bad dream, another has been woken too early so is grumpy and bellowing about breakfast. Or you miss your daughter winning a sports day race because you had noone to care for your toddler and they urgently needed a poo. Or when you're doing a lovely splashy bathtime with the little ones, but the big one is struggling with maths homework and getting upset and saying he's stupid. Yes, there are some lessons about patience, but I think there'd probably be more good and less bad.all round with another pair of hands sometimes.

Growing up in a.non-anglo culture, there were always grannies and aunties and cousins around - and they could drive you crazy but also make sure that children and mothers were never alone while juggling children and everything else. I miss that and also I wouldn't begrudge someone else that support, because I'd assume they're either a caring mum who will use it to benefit their family, or a mum who doesn't cope well alone and that is sad but ultimately the kids may do better with competent paid carers on hand or in charge.

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