People who have nannies and cooks around the clock etc

[claramonica]

I know this is unreasonable and none of my business and also not my place to make a judgement on.

But people who have nannies from basically day one and cleaners- do they really know what parenthood ( especially baby stage ) is actually like for people who don't have that ?

@Flowerclock no I don’t actually. I do have a nanny during the day to look after my kids while I work. But am still curious as to the link between mopping up wee from the floor or spilled drinks and parenting. Are these tasks that help you bond with your children? Seems bizarre to me.

I would say they do know, and that's why they hire the nanny in the first place. If they thought it was so easy they wouldn't have one.

I am that person. Live overseas where live in help is the norm and I have had a "helper" as they're known, since before my son was born 10 years ago. At one stage I had two. Helpers are not qualified nannies but basically do a mix of childcare, shopping, cooking and cleaning and household errands on a FT basis. Live-in is mandatory (by law). There is no wraparound childcare here (daycare / nursery doesn't exist, pre-school is universal from age 2 but for 3 hours a day) so a helper is not really a choice if you are both working.

I totally accept that there are a lot of elements of normal UK parenthood that I will never experience, such as having to leave work to get back for nursery pick up, stressing about work when child is sick, using holiday for childcare, juggling work travel with DH etc. and I do appreciate those things a lot. I have had a lot more freedom to just go out by myself for a run/ see friends etc. than I would have in the UK. I've done no housework for 10 years (I do cook for DH and I as I prefer to). I've never had to say one child can't go to a party/ sports tournament because the other one has to go to one and the logistics don't work. I've never had to drag moaning DC to supermarket as I realise I'm out of x. Certainly I would say the baby and toddler years were 100% easier for me than if I'd been in the UK.

That said, I have had an employee living in my apartment (less than 1750 sq ft) for a decade - I can only be semi dressed in my bedroom! Can't pee with the door open. No loud arguments with DH. Getting silently judged when I get parenting wrong or eat my 5th kitkat of the day It can be hard to ensure consistency between me and my helper as culturally they raise children very differently. I'm happy with the trade, but it's not without downsides.

Sitting helping a child with homework, bathing them, putting them to bed - these are not actions to help a family to function. These are normal things parents do with their children.

Sadly there are a great many parents who have neither jobs or staff who do none of these things with or for their children

And we're not scraping by money-wise, we're just totally self-reliant, no family backup nor staff. It's exhausting!

So why not get a cleaner at least? What is the point of being exhausted when you don't need to be?

I live abroad and have no family here. We have a nanny simply to fill in the role of a grandparent. My DC love their nanny as a grandmother. I am an extremely hands on parent and always have been. YABU, small-minded and ignorant.

In fact, also thinking of getting a cleaner so I can spend time I waste cleaning, with my children. So... Yeah. Again. YABU.

Hands up wouldn't have had any children let alone multiple if I couldn't have had a nanny.
The endless park trips, soft playdates and class parties being subbed out saved my sanity.

I have a friend who is very wealthy. She employed a maternity nurse for the first 6 weeks after birth so she never did the night wakings then after 6 weeks a live in nanny started. She also has a housekeeper who works every day. The nanny goes on holiday with them and she told me they see very little of the kids when on holiday, don’t even sit with them on the plane. When the nanny or housekeeper are sick or on holiday she thinks it’s the end of the world. She will often moan about how hard parenting is and I find it hard to understand exactly what it is she finds hard. I suppose the emotional strain is the same. I do think her experience of having children is very different to mine and I’m careful not to complain about anything to her because her response is always that I need to pay for someone to help.

@DysmalRadius

Does a parent raising in a child in relative affluence and safety know what parenting is 'really' like for someone raising their children in a war zone, or during a natural disaster, or even in the same city but in severe poverty? Surely there's nothing inherently superior about experiencing hardship as a parent when you can avoid it?

Every other thread on here is about fathers who know nothing about their children's activities, shoe sizes etc because they leave it all to the mother to manage.

A parent that acknowledges that they don't want to deal with uniforms and meal planning and chooses to pay a professional to take on those tasks seems preferable to the status quo that so many families fall into whereby it all becomes the mother's job on top of everything else.

Yes.

It's all relative and pretty much everyone in the UK is in a privileged position compared to majority of the world population.

So yeah... get off your high horse OP!

You could apply the same argument to lots of things though. Do those of us who are well off enough to have our own washing machines/cars etc know what it's like for those who don't? Do those of us who have supportive parents locally know what it's like for those who don't?

Why on earth would anyone want to clean a house if you can pay someone else to do it for you? It's hardly fun - I'd rather spend time with the children.

@AdriannaP

No. My ex boss paid her nanny until 10pm every day, booked an au-pair for holidays (otherwise it wouldn’t be a holiday), nearly had a breakdown when her nanny had covid (not out of concern but was angry she had to deal with the kids alone). Admitted she didn’t bath the children or cook dinner ever. Honestly she had no clue was life was like for the rest of us. Complained how tired and exhausting it was when nanny was sick and that she had to drink every night to cope (two children, both over 5).

🤣

^wizzywig

I think similarly about those who get free childcare from extended family. They also don't know what it's like to have their kids full time^

Errr DH and I work FT and were going to put LO in nursery FT but GP’s asked us to let them have her 2 days a week rather than FT nursery because they wanted to! All because they help with childcare when I’m at work doesn’t mean I don’t know how to parent.

This is a really nasty thread, the grass is always greener and people will find any reason to be nasty about someone else when they have no clue what it’s actually like.

How many people genuinely enjoy raising children? If you had enough money to make the tedium go away who wouldn't do so? Far more people would do better to resist the pull to reproduce judging by the umpteen miserable parents on mn

I am not getting what you are getting out of this post. You sound jealous. I have always been a stay at home mum but gave birth to prem twins - one of who had feeding issues and didn't sleep through the night until he was 4.5 years old. After 6 months I was beside myself and got an aupair and a cleaner but still struggled to cope with the sheer exhaustion of not being able to sleep myself for more than 2hrs at a time.
Spend your time on the positive things in your own life that you enjoy and want to do more of. Let other people get on with making their own decisions on what is best for them. A stressed out mother/parent who is jugglying everything 24/7 is not always the best option for a child - a mother/parent who is lucky enough to have money to pay for a cleaner so she/he/they can spend quality time with their child during their early years makes much more sense to me.

I think there’s a difference between having a nanny and having one round the clock. I have a nanny 4 days a week, she’s wonderful, but the mornings and evenings, the weekends, holidays etc I get a taste of how hard it is being a SAHM... and I’ve found it’s not for me. Doesn’t mean I don’t know how to parent my kids though.

I am raising two boys aged 2 and 3 months, and have no support at all. My husband works 6 days a week 14 hours days usually, and sometimes works from home on his day off, or in the evening when he is home. My family are in another country and his family are no help at all. I struggled so so so much but although we can afford a nanny, I just couldn't have someone else in my house looking after my kids when I am there to do it. I think I would find it harder having them in my space and playing with my children. Maybe I am too territorial. So as much as I would have loved (and needed), help, I just couldn't do it? I ended up getting a cleaner once a week but I hate being in the house when she is here...I feel lazy and find it strange to move rooms when she is cleaning. Does anyone else feel like me?

I had a nanny / housekeeper when my two were younger, and yes, that sometimes stretched into very late nights and she did go with us on business trips (had to take the children with me and someone had to take care of them). So sometimes yes, 24/7.
Yes, I still know what it is to be a parent
I could as easily ask other people "do mums with grandparents around the corner know what it is to be a parent - they have help on tap and don't need to pay for it!"

@wizzywig

I think similarly about those who get free childcare from extended family. They also don't know what it's like to have their kids full time

Took two seconds before one of these jealous people appeared, even though the original post is nothing to do with this. So funny.

How is getting free childcare from family any different than parents who send their child to childminder/nursery/after school club, in terms of “knowing what it’s like to have their kids full time”? Majority of families need two working parents to stay afloat these days.

Depends. I've lived in Singapore and HK and had basically that. It means that there is never any issue with childcare and the house is always clean, which for a combined total of 8 years I was eternally grateful for every. single. day. I was the only one who got up to my children in the night, the only one who bathed them, the only one who who they went to in the mornings. But yes, not doing the drudge work was amazing.

As for the cooking, that was my domain too, but I like it. It's the cleaning I don't like.

That said, the newborn to 1 year I was on my own with no help and often no husband. And I've had long stretches when they were very little (I had 3 within 18 months), living in the 'real' world. You take what you can get, whether it's a cushy life with full time help, or nothing at all and it's surprisingly easy to roll with the punches between the two.

I'll never have that life again, as our life has moved on and we are somewhere else now, but gosh it was brilliant.

The thing is you’re saying people who have nannies, but you mean mother’s who have nannies.

My husband works full time and I’m home with the toddler. His experience of parenthood is exactly what it would be if we had nannies and other household staff. It’s just I’m the staff. And no one is judging him for that.

It’s just another stick to beat women with and keep them in their place (below men).

I think it depends on how much the nanny does, and how much the parent does.
However, if the nanny does most of the looking after, then I think there is likely to be bonding issues.
It is doing things for and with your DC, that creates the family bond, in my opinion.
I certainly think it true that the parent in this situation is less likely to know of the stress that 'ordinary' families have.

No. I remember going to a class assembly at my son's first school (in Notting Hill). I pretended to have a doctor's appointment and my husband couldn't come. Neither of us could realistically ask for time off work to watch a normal assembly.

A glamorous couple, neither of whom works (inherited money) turned up to watch their child, bringing their toddler with them. The thing that killed me was that neither of them watched the assembly (both on their phones throughout) or interacted with the toddler in any way. They also brought their nanny and he sat on her knee in a smart sailor suit with three dummies pinned like medals onto his front.

No, but then they probably have little concept of how ordinary people live anyway. I noted in the paper they said Meghan employed a night nanny because she was struggling to cope without sleep, another thing where they show they aren't ordinary people!

No but who needs to know if they don't have to?! I think it would make parenting infinitely more enjoyable as it's often the drudge work that causes stress/irritability and snappiness with DC. I would love it and think I'd be a better parent for it. One can dream!