People who have nannies and cooks around the clock etc

[claramonica]

I know this is unreasonable and none of my business and also not my place to make a judgement on.

But people who have nannies from basically day one and cleaners- do they really know what parenthood ( especially baby stage ) is actually like for people who don't have that ?

@AvantGardening

The thing is you’re saying people who have nannies, but you mean mother’s who have nannies.

My husband works full time and I’m home with the toddler. His experience of parenthood is exactly what it would be if we had nannies and other household staff. It’s just I’m the staff. And no one is judging him for that.

It’s just another stick to beat women with and keep them in their place (below men).

Agreed 100%!!

@Foxhasbigsocks

One of DD's ex's was one of those poor kids, he was completely screwed up, full time nanny, housekeeper, boarded from 8. His much younger brother (different dad) was really lovely though as actually was his mum, emotional abuse from ex and being young and ambitious she put it down to

As @Angelica789 has pointed out, many dads treat their partners as an unpaid 24/7 nanny and housekeeper rolled into one.

It's amazing how much women have to pay to get the same experience.

How is getting free childcare from family any different than parents who send their child to childminder/nursery/after school club, in terms of “knowing what it’s like to have their kids full time”? Majority of families need two working parents to stay afloat these days.
Well, because that also massively takes the stress out of parenting, but it is considered an acceptable way of delegating, so no one is ready to admit their privilege here.

We don’t have a nanny (and could never afford one in our wildest dreams). The only women I know who have nannies are women who balance working very long hours doing research and in clinic looking after patients. Nannies are needed for wraparound care. I don’t feel any less of them as mothers. I KNOW they have much more stressful lives than me, with my husband who finishes at 4.30pm, and I finish at 5.30pm. I’m pretty sure the world would be much worse off without them.

Maybe we could stop judging women, and acknowledge that it takes all sorts to make a world.

Also agreed with PP that SAHM are just performing the exact same service for their husbands that nannies perform for working mothers (childcare during working hours, plus mental load + extra chores). Where’s the judgement for those fathers? Or do we acknowledge that those men need or choose to work?

This thread seems a bit bitter.

Christ, I'd love to be able to afford some help, but I can't. I'd also love to be able to afford a bigger house, and I'm sure that someone living in a really big, fancy house doesn't know what it's like to live in a modest house, but that doesn't make them somehow bad, and it's pretty pointless to speculate about it.

I would imagine they can see exactly what it would be like, which is why they have chosen to buy their way out of it. It is perfectly possible to envisage what life may be like for people in situations different to yourself, whatever your situation.

I worked with someone who had that much help off family with kids etc. Her dad did gardens. Mom did housework etc. Kids stopped over in the week some nights . When you asked her what doing the weekend she would say babysit her kids! I rem though her parents decided to move to Spain and all she did was moan how hard it was.

A tiny number of very rich families still bring up their children this way

Kind of coping - Really? Do you have any evidence for this?
Rich people have staff but do they really only see their children for 20 minutes a day?

It enables me to do everything. I work hard, still earn well to give my child everything I can, adore my child, but I am allowed the freedom to not just be ‘maman’.

I think some of them might, but some might not - like everything. Some might have come from humble backgrounds and had to help look after siblings, some are able to understand the pressures on normal working people. But some may have grown up in similar households and not realise. Btw - I don’t have this but have had significant help from in laws and parents.

My sister used to work in a nursery years ago, she never judged any parent who used childcare but she did judge the lady of a 6 week old baby who put her little one in from 8.30 till 5.30 Monday till Friday. No other children, she didn’t work, lunched all afternoon, went to the gym. Her husband was loaded. I really felt for that baby. I realise parents put their kids in as they need a break or have to work but fecks this was unbelievable.

Avantgardening is bang on.

I think they have a reasonable idea and that why they have them. Doing everything yourself is a hard graft that still falls a lot of the time on women. If a woman decides her career is important I applaud her for pursuing her own goals.

I’m a SAHM with a cleaner, i have one because i know exactly how awful i would find it without one. I don’t have a single person to look after my DC it’s just my DH and me.

I think I get what you are saying, it’s hard, very hard if you are doing everything yourself. And its hard for someone whos never had to to understand exactly how difficult life can be with small children and absolutely no help. I used to roll my eyes when people were like “OMG its so tough” and their kids are always at the grandparents. But then no doubt they roll their eyes at me with my 5 days a week cleaner.

Idon’t fully understand what it’s like doing a really stressful 12 hour day and then having to come home and try to be engaged with your kids and show interest in what they are doing or still get up at 3am because your dc is calling for you. Thats got to be really hard too.

Women I know with nannies (I’m not in the UK - I seem to be the only person with a DC who doesn’t have one, there were a lot of impressed faces when I said I’d be doing it myself) usually have them because they are working and they need one but still do a lot of hands on parenting outside of work. Or they are not working but kids are a lot of work and they have stuff they would rather do than the drudgy bits and ehy make life harder than it has to be. Frankly I don’t blame them. I don’t know anyone who does zero parenting because they have a nanny. I imagine that would be rare.

I expect, to answer the OP, that they do know what things are actually like and have made the decision to opt out for various reasons.

I'm a parent. I'd say most people parent vaguely like me in terms of how they allocate their time and money, but there are a few extremes - one friend is a very, very wealthy single mum, dad isn't on the scene, both kids in private school and the nanny (who's been with them since day dot, more or less) is kept on the books at a very good salary to do drop off, pick up, evenings and holidays. Some people would find it mad to pay I think something like £40k a year to have a nanny doing very limited hours, but you can kind of see how the mum got there - she has plenty of money, next to no time or flexibility, so shelling out makes sense and she knows the nanny can always cover.

Another family has a working dad, SAHM, two kids in FT nursery from a young age. Older one about to start school, will go to after school club five days a week while mum is at home. They have a real issue with the two-ish weeks a year when nursery is shut, because they find their kids overwhelming. I think the mum is actually depressed or otherwise not coping, so their solution is packing both kids off for the maximum time.

Like anything else people make their own bargains really.

@PerfectPenquins

They don't because they remove that experience from their lives. My first job was in a lovely nursery open 7am to 7pm. These babies and toddlers had nanny's drop them off in the morning and pick them up in the evening, had older kids to get school sometimes. Never saw parents. Some even moaned at receiving a weekly email newsletter showing what the kids had been upto. You can definitely end up very detached from your own children this way. I found it incredibly sad.

That’s a shame because the 12.5 hours shifts that nurses and doctors work in critical care areas tend to mean we’re routinely accessing childcare of one kind or another and simply cannot do so 9-5. Same for many in emergency services.

I have noticed that when I resuscitate a child their parents don’t tend to make too much of how sad it is that my own child is being cared for by someone else for that 12.5+ hours.

My cousin had a housekeeper and a nanny when her children were little. She owned a very successful business and preferred to work and spend quality time with her DCs. She had zero interest in scrubbing her own bathrooms or potty training or grocery shopping - so she out sourced all of that. Didn't mean she didn't love her DCs very much, and 10 years later she has a lovely, close relationship with them both.

@Artesia

I don’t know if it is intended, but I can’t bear the slightly sneering attitude of some PPs, implying that if you aren’t martyring yourself on the alter of “parenthood” 24/7, you aren’t a “proper parent”. We all only have our own experiences of parenthood, and can’t possibly know what it’s like for anyone else. But as long as their children are happy, healthy and loved, who cares?

Exactly. Also, they don't really mean 'parenthood', they truly mean 'motherhood'. Bet no-one has ever felt that a father was less of a father for not being the one in charge of mopping up every spilled drink, as one poster suggested earlier...

Slightly different from the bulk of replies on here but my MIL (not living in UK) barely raised her sons. They were raised, taken to school, everything - by her own in laws. She didn't change nappies, feed or dress her kids.
She also didn't cook (had a person for that), clean (had a person for that too).or even pop to the local shop.

And DH wonders why I don't take parenting advice from her 🙄

We had a cleaner when our children were small, because we wanted to spend our free time with the children.
I’m not sure that cleaning is an essential requirement of parenting, if you’re lucky enough to be able to pay for it.

No experience of nannies so can’t comment.

Here’s something to make you really bitter - lots of children who grow up with round the clock nannies, boarding school etc also have loving relationships with their parents (I know a few as adults).

Being a drudge doesn’t guarantee your children will worship you. No one likes a martyr.

Hmm don't see why that would make anyone bitter! That sounds truly awful to me but understand why it can be necessary for some (for my dad it was due to military family. Very wealthy but in those days wife went with the senior officers and child went to boarding school.)

I completely get families are different. Not a choice I'd ever hope to have to make though.

Its a bizarre and pointless question, since nobody knows what its like to be in someone else's shoes, unless they've are in, or have been in that persons shoes.

My best friend has twins. I have two children of different ages.
She has a stressful job. I have an easy one.
She has lots of family around that help with childcare. I don't.
She is now a single parent. I have a DH that is not an arsehole like her ex. and shares the load.

I know what parenthood is like for us, and of course I know vaguely what its like for her, because I see her and I talk to her - but I don't really know, because I'm not living her life, no matter how similar our experiences.

You are still experiencing parenthood, even if you have a team of people assisting with your chores. Its just different.

I don't know what that would be like to have multiple staff any more than I know what it would be like to strap my baby to me and spend 14 hours picking tea leaves, or sewing clothes for UK customers or walking miles to get water.
They're all along a spectrum of difficulty.

@joystir59

How many people genuinely enjoy raising children? If you had enough money to make the tedium go away who wouldn't do so? Far more people would do better to resist the pull to reproduce judging by the umpteen miserable parents on mn

This comment really saddens me. If I was not interested in raising children, I would not have them.

@dameofdilemma

Here’s something to make you really bitter - lots of children who grow up with round the clock nannies, boarding school etc also have loving relationships with their parents (I know a few as adults).

Being a drudge doesn’t guarantee your children will worship you. No one likes a martyr.

It is not about being a martyr, what a bizarre idea. And nobody healthy wants an adult child to worship them. I would be concerned at an adult who worships their parent as that suggests a lack of emotional development and maturity. And most adults love their parents. I think there is a very big difference between someone who has a nanny as childcare and someone who seeks to outsource meaningful parenting to a nanny.