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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who have nannies and cooks around the clock etc

215 replies

claramonica · 27/05/2021 19:48

I know this is unreasonable and none of my business and also not my place to make a judgement on.

But people who have nannies from basically day one and cleaners- do they really know what parenthood ( especially baby stage ) is actually like for people who don't have that ?

OP posts:
Angelica789 · 27/05/2021 21:07

No of course they don’t. The biggest difference is the freedom they maintain. To come and go as they please and to go out any night of the week without having to plan it meticulously.

These women don’t lack interest in their children but the childcare allows them to live like a lot of fathers do to be quite honest. They have children, they’re responsible for them, they love them, but they’re not tied down by them.

Foxhasbigsocks · 27/05/2021 21:08

@Angelica789 yes exactly. It’s doing what dads often have the freedom to do

PegasusReturns · 27/05/2021 21:09

Parenthood is a different experience for everyone. Generally - like many difficult situations - it’s alleviated by time/money/good health/support.

But just because you doesn’t experience something doesn’t mean you’re clueless to what it might be like for others.

I’ve had a FT nanny and housekeeper. Now just the latter. I’ve done plenty of parenting.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/05/2021 21:10

Of course they do. I'd be a very happy parent if I'd paid help. They probably have more quality time to spend considering so much time is spent on daily mundane tasks.

AirsPairsandGraces · 27/05/2021 21:13

@fruitandflowers

Curious as to what cleaning the house has to do with being a parent.

V nasty thread imo

Wow you really don't get it do you. I think if I had the luxury of others running after me doing the domestic drudgery I would be SO much more patient and have more bonding/reading/taking time (in an ideal world anyway!) It makes a HUGE difference.
SatyajitRayFan · 27/05/2021 21:13

@DysmalRadius

Does a parent raising in a child in relative affluence and safety know what parenting is 'really' like for someone raising their children in a war zone, or during a natural disaster, or even in the same city but in severe poverty? Surely there's nothing inherently superior about experiencing hardship as a parent when you can avoid it?

Every other thread on here is about fathers who know nothing about their children's activities, shoe sizes etc because they leave it all to the mother to manage.

A parent that acknowledges that they don't want to deal with uniforms and meal planning and chooses to pay a professional to take on those tasks seems preferable to the status quo that so many families fall into whereby it all becomes the mother's job on top of everything else.

Very well said. I completely agree.
SatyajitRayFan · 27/05/2021 21:14

@EmeraldShamrock

Of course they do. I'd be a very happy parent if I'd paid help. They probably have more quality time to spend considering so much time is spent on daily mundane tasks.
Agreed!
SatyajitRayFan · 27/05/2021 21:14

@Angelica789

No of course they don’t. The biggest difference is the freedom they maintain. To come and go as they please and to go out any night of the week without having to plan it meticulously.

These women don’t lack interest in their children but the childcare allows them to live like a lot of fathers do to be quite honest. They have children, they’re responsible for them, they love them, but they’re not tied down by them.

So true. No one bats an eyelid when fathers do this.
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/05/2021 21:15

If you can throw money at all the menial tasks in life then spend time with your baby- if you outsource everything why do you need a nanny?

Deadringer · 27/05/2021 21:19

I know a couple with 3 nannies, they work in shifts so they have 24 hour care. They are loaded though.

TropicalFairyCake · 27/05/2021 21:31

Well if you outsource most of their care to the extent you just see them occasionally and they gave a closer relationship with a nanny raising them I do think is quite different

Lmaa97 · 27/05/2021 21:31

One woman I knew looked at me like a ghost when I said that I bathed and fed the kids + bedtime routine after my work day...It’s not the norm at all, of course, but, yes there are indeed quite a few people like that with city/London jobs....not really a question of judging/ comparing what’s good or bad or (very!) personal choices but it’s certainly is a different day to day reality....

TropicalFairyCake · 27/05/2021 21:35

I remember some going back to full on 12 hour a day city jobs and thinking thats so different to me who wanted to the direct experience of raising a child. However they will definitely earn more than me!

Flowerclock · 27/05/2021 21:36

@fruitandflowers

Curious as to what cleaning the house has to do with being a parent.

V nasty thread imo

You clearly have someone on hand to hoover up three times a day your children have eaten. And someone who cleans up all the wee your boys have sprayed everywhere when they 'missed the toilet'. And someone who mops up all the spilt drinks, dropped ice creams and oh yes, don't forget the projectile vomit in bed. Otherwise, you wouldn't be asking.
Derbee · 27/05/2021 21:37

Of course not. They know what their version of parenthood looks like. Everyone knows their own version of life, based on what they can afford. Nothing wrong with that

eatsleepread · 27/05/2021 21:38

I'm jealous in a way. Parenting must be nicer without all the added-on drudgery!

Freecuthbert · 27/05/2021 21:39

I'm on a low income and certainly can't afford a nanny, I'd love to have one though but not 24/7.

I would never begrudge a woman who can afford to employ full time staff, presumably so she can have a successful and fulfilling career and have the freedom to go out to partake in hobbies whenever she pleases, much like many men whose wives perform unpaid nannying/housekeeper duties.

Some parents might have full time staff including nannies, cooks, housekeepers, etc, but are still fully involved in the stuff that they deem important as a parent and can put their full energy into this, but don't have to sweat the small stuff.

And really it's like a spectrum isn't it... usually people have some form of help, like supportive partner, family and friends, nursery, wraparound care, babysitter, etc. They are not less of a parent than a single mum who does everything herself with zero help, it's just a different set up.

TownTalkJewels · 27/05/2021 21:41

You could equally ask if fathers know what raising kids is like for mothers.

The answer is no, probably not.

Not everyone is interested in the same things.

HotChoc10 · 27/05/2021 21:44

Probably not. In the same way you or I probably have no idea how hard it is for someone to live in a developing country without adequate food or sanitation. It's all relative. My fairly average (for the UK) life is probably more similar to the person who has nannies and cooks than the person I've described.

chopc · 27/05/2021 21:52

The nanny/ cook are there to do the chores you hate so that you can actually enjoy the time you spend with kids. There is a difference between outsourcing all childcare duties to them or just using them for back up and as a helping hand which we could all do with

helpmebeanadult · 27/05/2021 21:56

@EmeraldShamrock

Of course they do. I'd be a very happy parent if I'd paid help. They probably have more quality time to spend considering so much time is spent on daily mundane tasks.
This. Also time for quality age appropriate time and activities rather than disturbing baby naps to do school runs. The fun parenting stuff. Simply sharing the burden of the mundane never ending stuff. Having an evening with partner. Not taking a bunch of kids with you to go and buy a car or sofa etc for example. I would love help and would be a happier person, a better partner and a better parent with it! Same if I had help from family though.
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/05/2021 21:57

Of course they don’t.

A Singaporean SiL of mine always had a nanny as well as a maid when her dcs were small. The nanny came with them on holiday, too.

Her dcs are long past the nanny stage now, but I will admit to a modicum of Schadenfreude recently, when she told me how utterly exhausted she was from having to do housework! 😱. She’d had to sack her maid who’d ‘gone crazy’ (her words) and had yet to find a replacement.

YellowFish12 · 27/05/2021 21:57

No but so what?

Must be quite nice getting to do the fun bits of parenting and outsource some of the drudgery (that so many people on MN complain about)

Drunkenmonkey · 27/05/2021 22:08

I'm surprised how many people say 'lucky them' or something to that effect. If I had all the money in the world I wouldn't have a nanny. I would probably pay someone to cook and clean, but absolutely no way would I be outsourcing brushing their teeth, putting them to bed or buying their uniform. I want to know my kids otherwise I wouldn't have had them!
In terms of a newborn, yes those nights are damn hard but I wouldn't let someone else snuggle them and bond with them and miss out on what is such a fleeting period of time in their lives. It would be a completely different experience of parenting and I really don't think I would enjoy it so much if I played some kind of back seat role.

Artesia · 27/05/2021 22:10

I don’t know if it is intended, but I can’t bear the slightly sneering attitude of some PPs, implying that if you aren’t martyring yourself on the alter of “parenthood” 24/7, you aren’t a “proper parent”. We all only have our own experiences of parenthood, and can’t possibly know what it’s like for anyone else. But as long as their children are happy, healthy and loved, who cares?