People who have nannies and cooks around the clock etc

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I know this is unreasonable and none of my business and also not my place to make a judgement on.

But people who have nannies from basically day one and cleaners- do they really know what parenthood ( especially baby stage ) is actually like for people who don't have that ?

Oh wow, I'd love to have a night nanny and a housekeeper! I'd be able to get proper sleep and not have to spend so much time on the drudgery, and be able to go out in the evening. You could really get on with the fun parts of parenting!

My DH had well-off parents and was raised by au pairs. They ran businesses but also enjoyed golf and spa days. He has only realised since becoming a father himself, that his privileged upbringing was lacking very much in the way of nurture and affection. His memory of family holidays is his mother shouting at him for blocking her sun and him playing with kids of family friends.

He lacks certain knowledge and manners that most parents instil in their children. And he still doesn't know how to ride a bike. My in-laws are generous with money but are quite awkward around our young children. We wouldn't leave the kids with them at this age. His father is very opinionated about our parenting which I find difficult.

So I don't think they have an inkling of what it's really like to raise children intensively and lovingly.

@lakesidelife you are twisting my words. Working parents do normal everyday things with their children as well.

I am not talking about cleaners but nannies. Same thing it is helping the family function while the parents work or does your logic only apply to SAHP with nannies?

The Queen and Prince Philip are rumoured to have had their children brought to them by nannies for 30 minutes of interaction a day.

@EmeraldShamrock You do not think there is a difference between someone cleaning your kitchen floor and caring for your child?
Sitting helping a child with homework, bathing them, putting them to bed - these are not actions to help a family to function. These are normal things parents do with their children.

It'd be lovely though wouldn't it. To be able to do as much as you want or feel able to and then hand over. I think I'd be a better mum if I wasn't always exhausted.

Working parents do normal everyday things with their children as well

So do parents with nannies

When I was a SAHM my nanny was an extra pair of hands during the day and gave me an hour or two in the day when I could either have time to myself (gym or coffee) or dedicated time with one of the DC (take toddler swimming leaving baby at home).

It also meant that I didn’t have to take a grumpy baby in the school run (and could give older DC undivided attention at pick up) or I could take baby girls a walk in the pram whilst elder DC finished dinner and watched TV.

When I went back to work my nanny and housekeeper meant I can back to happy DC, a clean house and organisation. I played lots of games not always a bonus

@PegasusReturns maybe you do, I do not know you. But no not all parents with a many do normal things. The kind of set-up the OP is talking about is where a nanny does the actual parenting and the parents are Disney parents.

Good for them!

If I had the money, I'd definitely have a cook come a few nights a week and I haven't slept through the night in months so I'd 100% hire a night nanny 😂
I miss sleep so much 😭

@kindofcoping how do you know what set up the OP was talking about? She doesn’t mention specifics, rather you’ve made a judgement that parents with nannies don’t actually parent. Which is frankly bizarre

@kindofcoping

The Queen and Prince Philip are rumoured to have had their children brought to them by nannies for 30 minutes of interaction a day.

If that's true, that's heartbreaking.

@PegasusReturns usually when I see people talk about their nannies, they seem to have a similar set up to yours, unless I am living under a rock... I'm not sure why people are jumping to conclusions that people with nannies don't do normal everyday things or aren't loving or hands on or whatever. Of course some parents with nannies/team of staff might be distant and completely uninvolved... but there are also plenty of crappy parents out there who don't have nannies, full on neglecting their kids but they can't afford the staff. So crappy parents exist in all walks of life and seems unfair to generalise based on that.

A Royal biographer Angela Levin says the Queen only saw her children for 20 minutes a day.
The traditional victorian upper-class way was for young children to be brought up in a nursery by nannies in a separate part of the house. Meals were also eaten in the nursery. But the nannies would make the children neat and tidy and take them down to the drawing-room to spend 20-40 minutes with their parents. The children were raised by nannies before being sent to boarding school.
A tiny number of very rich families still bring up their children this way.

I grew up in this type of environment, my parents basically outsourced everything, hardly saw them. Always thought it was easy to look after kids, so when I moved abroad, had DD and had no one else, I was shocked how hard it was! And when I say this to my parents they can't understand. They could not fathom that it is hard looking after kids!

There's always a pay off though.

Sure they get to outsource the shitty bits of parenting (and I refuse to believe that none of us have ever wished we could do that!) but then you are not living in your home. You are living in someone elses work place.

Do those people know the sheer freedom of doing a drive by to chuck the kids into school and then going home and having a poo with the bog door wide open whilst having a chat with their best friend? I bet not :o

As much as I would love "help" I would really struggle with that lack of freedom.

It sounds like some people want to outsource life.

My step dad was brought up in this sort of household.
7 day boarder at 7 (his parents lived overseas from his school) saw his parents briefly at school holidays before he was sent to holiday camp or most of his time was spent with his nanny until his parents decided he was too old for one and dismissed her without a goodbye while he was at school.
He spent a fair bit of time finding his childhood as an adult.
His old nanny is lovely and a surrogate Great grandmother to my kids.

I think as a mum you get judged whatever you do....be a sahm and you are a lazy drain on the economy, go back to work and kid in nursery you worry about how many hours they are there for get a nanny and you aren't parenting. There is no win as long as we beating eachother up like this.

I’ll add to this.

I had twins 4 weeks ago. I had to return to work 3 days after they were born- I’m self employed so no paid maternity for me and my business would collapse if I I wasn’t there to hold the pieces together- especially now with covid. We have a nanny who works 12 hour days with 2 nights babysitting so me and DH actually have time to breathe. Realistically we are both working 18 hour days at the moment- DH is still awake now downstairs doing paperwork and is up at 6.30. We also have a housekeeper who is currently doing 6 mornings a week.

I have 4 older daughters so can assure you have experience “life with a baby” (I was 18 and unemployed with no qualifications when I had my first).

We work damn hard and shitty threads like this piss me off. We’ve had babies when we have had nothing but time to spend with them, we’ve had babies when we have both been working every hour under the sun and been lucky if we’ve spent a handful of hours in a week with our children.

They are all very much loved, spoiled and cared for.

I would love to have staff! Mine are teenagers now but I feel so stretched in different directions - regular work, running our own business on the side, homework, teenage angst, cooking, cleaning. I'd love some assistance with something, but everyone wants/needs a piece of me!

And we're not scraping by money-wise, we're just totally self-reliant, no family backup nor staff. It's exhausting!

What a horrible thread.

In typing this from my sofa where I’ve been with my poorly two year old since 5am. (Was also up with him all night as well) I’m fully aware what parenthood is like thanks. (And yes, I have a nanny and a cleaner)

Working parents do normal everyday things with their children as well

So do parents with nannies. It depends on context really so why demonise parents who can afford help when we as women often talk about the need for support. It can still be hard. Just differently hard.

When in the UK everything is in me and partner. It's hard but there are also parks, baby clubs to take little ones to which makes things easier. In my count, I have a nanny 7-5 but I still play with kids, feed them, change nappies, do bath time etc. She relives me when I have to work, go shopping sometimes etc.

Growing up in a big family we had nanny, housekeeper/gardener or housekeeper and gardener. My parents especially mum were still hands on. Made sure breakfast was ready n we were off to school. Came back at or after 5 and either cooked or managed the evening routine. The "staff" were complimentary rather than replacing her. She was still utterly exhausted at the end of the day and I wouldn't begrudge her or any woman support in raising kids

@kindofcoping that's sad but equally, I don't suppose many poor people had loads of quality time with their kids. Yes different underlying factor but equally, a very different time

My friend has a cook, cleane,r and nanny.
All "grunt" work is done by them. It is a very nice life.
She is well rested, gets enough time alone, and brings the best of herself to her relationship with her children.
The children are very nice, well behaved, and decent.
Money can do wonderful things used wisely.