To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

Well firstly life used to be much harder for mums - imagine no washing machines!

And my in-laws only afforded their first house because FIL lied on the mortgage application form and worked in two jobs.

It definitely wasn't rosy.

And it's better for women to work and not be reliant on a man in any event. My mum used to have to ask my dad if she wanted to buy a new pair of tights. We've moved on from the male breadwinner scenario.

However, if you really don't want to work and feel like someone else is bringing up your child (that is really not true by the way) then you need to look at your finances in detail, see what you can cut, and see if you can stop work. Even better would be you and dad both work part-time so you can both spend time with your son.

As for life admin - get everything on direct debit and there should hardly be any.

Not for all mums. Maybe you don't like your situation but many mums aren't in the same situation. I also don't think being a mum in, say, the 50s was all roses either. I think we are much better off now to be able to choose whether to return to work or a be a SAHM, rather than it be assumed that the woman's place is in the home. As for life admin, I see that phrase on here all the time and still for the life of me can't work out what it's referring to or why everyone complains about it so much?

I sympathise, particularly with the life admin stuff, but it's not because we live in "modern times", it's because of the market, capitalism, and your financial situation.

I went back part-time with dc1 and that was a good balance, I felt - is that an option?

I agree that women are juggling a lot more these days. Sure it was more labor intensive back in the olden days but most women were stay at home mums and kids were mostly expected to amuse themselves. My mum and her siblings used to play out all day all weathers and only allowed home for meals. Babies were left in their prams. Nowadays many women are trying to juggle work, home life, kids, and so many other things. I think in the majority of families the bulk of the mental load falls on women.

It doesn’t feel like it’s better for me to work right now - it feels like I’m stuck in a rat race with little quality of life, barely any money anyway (despite working) and no time. I just feel like life is passing me by at breakneck speed and I do the same stressful routine every day. Just fed up I guess.

I do agree with you its really hard. I work from home for myself so I'm very lucky that my two are with my most of the time but I am still always behind on the housework!
I think the best way to tackle it is work out how much you need to earn each month. How can you earn that amount? Do you have a job or career?
Would you be happy to work evenings and a weekend day? For example would you be happy with waitressing a few evening a week and either saturday or sunday? I used to earn over the minimum wage waitressing because I was older and could manage the young ones.
I still sell anything not needed on ebay and do surveys for extra money

Ever since having kids I've thanked my lucky stars we live in times modern enough to have smartphones - getting advice from nct group at 3am, online shopping, etc...!

I think we are much better off now to be able to choose whether to return to work or a be a SAHM

@JemimaJoy but that’s just it - it’s not a choice. I have no choice but to return to work and I don’t want to.

@looptheloopinahulahoop

'As for life admin - get everything on direct debit and there should hardly be any.'

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Can you get new school shoes, the next size up of clothes, wellies, trainers, coats etc on DD? How about last minute school play costumes? Slips to sign and return with money for school? Out of school clubs (renewing, sorting uniforms/equipment, emails about changes to where/when/how week to week)?
What about getting rid of clutter? Is there a DD for that?

@mayblossominapril how do you juggle working from home with having the kids with you most of the time out of interest? It sounds ideal if doable.

Couldn’t agree more, equality to me just means women have to do most of the child rearing and pay half the bills.
I tend to think most women whether a sahm or a working mum do so because of lack of choice, pros and cons to both but usually either can’t afford not to work or can’t afford to work.
I think the media and politicians have done a fantastic job belittling the role of raising children and consequently we have a vastly under funded, fucking expensive childcare system .

@barelycoping1

I think we are much better off now to be able to choose whether to return to work or a be a SAHM

@JemimaJoy but that’s just it - it’s not a choice. I have no choice but to return to work and I don’t want to.

I really sympathise if your situation has changed since deciding to have kids. Life throws all sorts at us. Could you sell up and move to a cheaper area?

I don’t feel that way at all to be honest. I think we have so many opportunities.

I do think if you really want to be a SAHM you have to plan ahead. Or compromise somewhere. I know when my Mum stayed at home with us, we had a much smaller house and mortgage, they would have shared a car. No holidays really. Personally I prefer working part time and having more luxuries. The first year at nursery was hard but now at age 2 DD absolutely loves it.

If it’s £350 a month what expenses can you cut down on? Can you extend the mortgage term for a few years?

I think the media and politicians have done a fantastic job belittling the role of raising children and consequently we have a vastly under funded, fucking expensive childcare system

Absolutely. Childcare in other parts of Europe is prioritised and subsidised to make it more of an actual choice.

If it helps, the bulk of the expense will only be for 2 years before 3yo funding kicks in. Then when they go to school you have to figure out wraparound care or flexible hours...

Could you sell up and move to a cheaper area?

That is an option we’re considering.

I work 90% but have a day off in the week and make the hours up other days. Can you do something like that?

Women have always worked. That isn't a modern thing. What is a modern thing is for women to be able to achieve financial independence in well paid, respected, professional roles. There aren't any sunlit uplands to hark back to.

That aside, I'm sorry you feel this way but you aren't paying someone to raise your son, you're paying someone to look after him for a few hours a day. You're his mum. He'll be raised by his parents.

Personally I don’t think £350 per month would be worth it to me at all. I could find £350 savings somewhere or sell my clothing and clutter for less effort than going to work for effectively nothing.

Think of all the extra time getting to work etc and prepping dc for childcare and then missing out on being with them. Just seems like a really crap deal to me x

Childcare for me would be £32k and I’d be going back to work on £26k before tax etc so I do realise I have the luxury of my choice to work or SAHM being an absolute no brainer 😅 x

It is tough, and I suspect one way and another it always has been. My DM studied law, was called to the bar, then married and had 3 children and never worked outside the home again (normal for the time). I know she has regrets and I know that so much of her potential has never been expressed. I also see that since her DC are grown, with 2 of us living abroad, she has (successfully) faced the challenge of using her time in fulfilling ways.

However I also know how shit it is not to have time with your DC, and then to use your weekends catching up on chores, not have time for friends... Basically yes, it is tough.

Well if you will have children with an old fashioned man who doesn’t step
Up snd do his 50% 🤷‍♀️

You could both look to work 4 days a week. The drop in salary after tax will be relatively negligible and your child would get a day a week home with you each and only 3 in nursery.

Women have always worked. That isn't a modern thing.

Two salaries weren't routinely needed to pay for a mortgage on an average home though. That seems to me to be a relatively modern phenomenon.

I think your looking at the past with rose tinted glasses. My parents both worked 2 jobs in the late 70 /80s to get a deposit together for a house. My mum did get to stay at home with us by becoming a childminder ( an option that still exists but I'm not sure how much money it actually brings in). My grandmother wasnt permitted to work after she married so they lived in a tiny 1 bed city centre flat for 2 years with a baby. There only outing was on a Sunday when her husband would be home so they could go for a walk, they couldn't afford a buggy for my nana to walk the baby alone. My nana was born in the 20s onto a farm where the children worked from a very young age. My nana was one of the few children in the community who had the opportunity to go to school until 12 so she could read and write although alot of her peers couldn't. I'm curious which of these scenarios do you want to achieve?

My eldest is 3 so he's out three short days at preschool and my young is 9 months so naps for about 1.5 hours a day.
I do computer work when they eat breakfast, pack the orders when one is asleep and the other is happily engaged playing, play with children for a while, lunch. Then when they are busy painting for example I pack the remaining orders.
I fit other bits and pieces in around them or in the evening
Its not easy but doable

Is his dad upset about his child being raised by other people? Is his dad feeling desperate to be at home full time? Is his dad feeling less of a parent for working? Is his dad beating himself up?

If not, why not? Why is it only you interpreting the situation this way?

Is it a helpful interpretation if it causes you so much distress? Because I personally wouldn't consider it a very accurate interpretation.

And why only you dealing with life admin?

You've used "we" throughout your posts but then talk as if you are your child's one and only parent. Why?

Is your partner doing 50% of the domestic load?