To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

You can have time back. It depends on your husband either working less (and therefore valuing your contribution equally and not just in monetary terms) or contributing to housework.
What ever life admin there is, he can certainly contribute to.
The thing is that women also shoulder a lot of the invisible labour. Child needs a fancy dress costume? Your problem. Weekend birthday party requiring presents? Your problem. Kids are outgrowing their nappies/clothes/shoes? Your problem.
If we can get out of this mindset (or are married to men who don’t share this mindset) then life can be truly a little more equal while working FT.

It’s the fact that women have been given opportunities but are expected to still do everything they did in the 1950s ON TOP of that. That’s why modern life is shit. Aka patriarchy.

Did you ever consider training in a career that paid more?

Not really, and looking back I fully acknowledge that I've screwed up my life somewhat in terms of careers - something I regret. I wish I'd picked a more lucrative career when I was younger as my prospects and earning power now are quite limited.

I agree OP. It’s really tough. Equality has actually meant that women have to work more whilst still doing most childcare and house-running.

It does get better as they get older. It won’t always feel this way.

Another mum once said something that stuck with me when I was feeling as you do - she was a SAHM with the most lovely kids and I commented how nice it must be at home and I felt I was not around enough for mine. To which she replied that her mum had worked full time but she never ever felt she missed out, mostly because when her mum was around the quality of time spent together was fantastic. Quantity doesn’t always equate.

One thing I would say if you do have £350 (and I agree it’s a lot of money) is can you carve out some of that for house help? Cleaning and laundry? That way the time you do have can be focused on your child not on house work.

It's shit for mums when their partners don't step up.

Working is fairly easy. Staying at home also. What's difficult is balancing the two... running to drop off at nursery, rushing to get to work on time, sneaking out of work to collect DC, getting home and having to cook dinner, do laundry etc. And the panic when your child is too sick for nursery.

Women too often get landed with this because they work less. But they can't work more because it doesn't work with the kids. Pre-DC, I had a high-paying, stressful job where I'd often work 12-16 hour days. It was quite an easy life...gym onsite, I ate 2 meals a day in the canteen, taxi home if you were working late and no one to worry about but myself. Having to balance a reasonably responsible 9-5 job with caring for children is much harder.

As an aside, I hate the phrase “someone else raising my child”. A kid going to nursery is not having someone else raising them, you still raise them.

It doesn't feel like it if he's spending more time with other people than me.

You’re entitled to feel how you feel, and certainly a lot of our mums were SAHMs for at least the preschool years while our dads paid mortgages, so that’s quite an influential subconscious “norm” of it was true of your background.

I was unwillingly forced out of the workforce twice, once after my first divorce when I literally couldn’t afford nursery x 2, secondly to be an unpaid carer to my middle child when fighting for an ECHP (statement then) and she had no school place for a year. It’s more of a PITA than you realise to recover your career after gaps, so I went self-employed, and high luckily is common in my industry but also meant loss of pension rights etc.

My advice would be to compromise and to keep your hand in. Maybe part time or flexi time?

The thing is that women also shoulder a lot of the invisible labour. Child needs a fancy dress costume? Your problem. Weekend birthday party requiring presents? Your problem. Kids are outgrowing their nappies/clothes/shoes? Your problem.

Soooo true!

I disagree with you for several reasons:

Some women want to work and aren't suited to the life of a SAHM. I'm one of them.

Being completely financially dependent on a man is risky - I've watched two of my SAHM friends get utterly shafted by their XHs.

If both partners work, then all the life and house stuff should be carried by both. The problem here isn't modern life, it's bloody lazy men.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

One of the reasons house prices have increased is due to more women entering the workplace and people buying houses on two wages. I for one am glad of this social mobility, because I want to work in the longer term, though I accept that it has led to a situation where a woman now has the choice to work, but resultant house-price increases may have limited the choice NOT to.

But I still don't feel women have a choice now over raising the kids/work - it's just swung the other way!

I agree with this. I think the real problem is that if you step out of employment for 5 years, it is difficult to step back in. This means that women who would love to SAH for the early years, and who can afford to forgo their salary for those years, are afraid to do it. Which in turn means that the early years are more difficult than they need to be for many families.

I think the problem is that we ACCEPT that the default is that women will do the school pick up/drop off, dinners, bulk of the laundry, and all the life admin (including buying Christmas presents for our partner’s family) and we are frequently told to be grateful if men take the trash out and mow the lawn.

It’s the fact that we set the bar for women as high as we can get. And we set the bar for men as low as possible. That’s why modern life is shit.

@barelycoping1

Also people saying £350 per month isn't worth it - £350 is a lot of money. I could probably sell some stuff on eBay to cover one month, but we don't have a huge amount of old stuff that is valuable. I've already sold it all!

I am not saying its not worth it, I am saying you could earn the same amount working differently.

For example when you husband can take over the childcare - so it would be free!

That's £88 a week.. (roughly). My au-pair earned more than that, and they had free room and board!

So don’t accept it! Don’t accept that the invisible burden is yours. And in doing that you set an excellent example for the next generation.

I do about 80% of it I'd say, because DH works far longer hours than me
There's your starting point.
One of the main issues in relationships is that equality means mum and dad both working full time, but mum is expected expected carry the domestic load because dad apparently can't.

It never ceases to amaze me how often I've seen men and women at my work, all parents, make very different choices about their working hours. I've seen mums working through lunch so they can get home early or go to the pet shop, using morning break to put the online shop order in by the photocopier, and then men with young children spending half their planning hour having a coffee, or sitting in the staff room after school. I have no doubt their wives will think their husbands are working late, but for certain men they're at work being unproductive. I get the impression that it's very convenient for them to be 'working' late.

If you're doing 80% of the household when working full time time the problem is closer closer home.

I think it depends on the time period you're comparing it to. Back in Victorian Britain, you might get both parents going out to work, leaving their baby with another child, maybe feeding it gin or opium to keep it quiet. Then the kid would be joining them at work by the age of four.

All my female relatives worked, going back as far as I know about, so I don't think so. Your husband isn't pulling his weight, that's your problem.
Also, I did want to spend time with mine when they were tiny but being home all day just ends up in becoming a domestic servant, and while my grandmothers always worked they were independent woman, and never servants, so that to me seems worse!

I think it's always been hard for Mums. My Nan was a SAHM, but her life was far from easy.

Differences are..........

She had to :

Chop wood for the fire
Do all washing by hand
Shop daily as they didn't have a fridge - shop was a long walk away (she didn't drive)
Take and collect children from school on foot
Prepare all meals from scratch
Make do and mend when clothing got a hole in it

Things that she didn't have, that we do:

Dishwasher
Microwave
Fridge
Washing machine
Mobile phone
Internet
Take-aways
Apps
Large supermarkets with all produce under one roof
Home delivery from supermarkets
Home delivery for take-aways
On-line shopping
Holidays abroad

I'm not saying that your life isn't hard, but I promise you, if you were transported back to the 50's and you were a SAHM, you would not have lots of time to just play with the kids. You'd be a thousand times more knackered than you are now.

If it makes you feel any better, there are plenty of reasons why spending time in group child care is better for kids than being alone with one parent all the time, and it will be better for your child to see you as a person in your own right rather than someone who lives only for them.

I think my grandma probably worked harder than me, unpaid, and spent less fun time with my uncles and mum. She had 7 kids, no hot water tap and had to do Terry nappies in a communal tap. No convenience foods, hardly any money and probably spent most of her time knackered.

I totally get you on chasing your tail but do consider if you can move to a cheaper area. We live in NI and could survive really easily on DH's wage. I like to work so we have a cleaner, gardener etc to make my life easier. Realise not possible for everyone but if we had stayed on the south east hamster wheel I'd probably be burnt out and fed up by now.

I think you are completely right , OP. It is pretty tough to be a SAHP these days and if you are one then you role is completely devalued - passive aggressive comments - what do you do all day? Do you spend all day having lunches and coffee etc..? I think it is important if you decide to be a SAHP then you need to have the legal protection of marriage and to keep your employment skills up to date . I am in my 40s and am seeing many friends split up but I would say that it is the women who are wholly disadvantaged whether they work or not. I hope in the future that society values the choice of families to decide what works for them.

@looptheloopinahulahoop

Well firstly life used to be much harder for mums - imagine no washing machines!

And my in-laws only afforded their first house because FIL lied on the mortgage application form and worked in two jobs.

It definitely wasn't rosy.

And it's better for women to work and not be reliant on a man in any event. My mum used to have to ask my dad if she wanted to buy a new pair of tights. We've moved on from the male breadwinner scenario.

However, if you really don't want to work and feel like someone else is bringing up your child (that is really not true by the way) then you need to look at your finances in detail, see what you can cut, and see if you can stop work. Even better would be you and dad both work part-time so you can both spend time with your son.

As for life admin - get everything on direct debit and there should hardly be any.

If you need two incomes to survive there is no real independence though. How many threads are from people struggling to live on one income post- divorce, or single women trapped in the rent market because you need two incomes to live. We're back were we started, only we have to work harder to stay there.

The thing is, we have to work to earn money to live. That's it. That doesn't change if you have a child. For the majority of adults, having another adult pay for them while they stay at home isn't an option, financially or morally.

On another point, childcare costs are a family/household expense, not the mother's expense. Whether the amount is the same or near same as one person's salary is irrelevant.

You can't take all the modern advantages without the disadvantages.

I was brought up by a SAHM who spent large parts of her day cleaning out the coal fire, laundry for the family in a twin tub, with no financial security or independence, had to defer to my dad and his choices, whether it was to buy a piece of kitchen equipment or decorate the house. Food was on a tight budget, we were lucky if we got a bag of chips (never fish!) a few times a year on rare days out. Clothes were hand downs (from my brothers!) or home knitted (itchy as hell as made using wool dad got from a carpet factory, lasted forever and handed down). Carrying a weeks load of shopping home from the supermarket on the bus. Dealing with mice with no budget to call out pest control. It was drudgery and my mum would have swapped a career, independence and choice for it in a heartbeat.

Women have choices now. You now have the choice when to have your child (and how many!) thanks to better access to contraception and education. Maternity and paternity leave and pay has improved. You can plan your and your dp's careers, savings and outgoings before you have a child to give yourself the opportunity to be SAHP if that is what you want to prioritise over the other modern privilege's we all have. Most people I know who are SAHP have actively planned in advance to make it happen.

Could you work evenings or weekends instead? Without the nursery fees you wouldn’t need to earn as much.

Why don't you stay at home and become a childminder? That way you earn and get to be with your child all the time. I couldn't have done it, I was a single parent determined to be independent and saving to build a house, I paid for childminding but certainly never felt that anyone other than me reared my child. Staying at home would have made me so bored but everyone wants different things.