To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

YANBU in that you want to be a SAHP but can’t, but it IS offensive to say that childcare workers are ‘raising your child’. They aren’t. You are. As I raised my children even though they went into child care.

You and the child’s father made a decision to have a child when you knew you couldn’t support him on one salary. You make a choice to spend time batch cooking and tidying up during the day when you could let standards slip or do it when your child is in bed. Your husband makes a choice to work long hours leaving all of that to you. You made a choice to live where you live.

I think what you want is to be a SAHM with a housekeeper, which not many can afford.

Op my ds was 15 months and I was a sahm and I chose to put him ft in a nursery 8-1.30pm every day. There is only so much parks, baby groups and such that you can do when you realise that child would actually benefit from more than just you. My ds absolutely thrived with nursery settings which I couldn't obviously provide. You want to pick out the bits from then and now which suit and you have the idea that's what you are missing out on. Too simplistic.

Barelycoping, I’m coming to your rescue! I am really sorry you are just getting a hard time from so many people on this thread.

Let me just say: you are right, modern life is really quite shit for a LOT of mums.

Firstly, it isn’t a question of “just moving to a cheaper house”. Moving house is costly and time-consuming.

Second, it isn’t just a question of selling your old stuff. Since you have not been obscenely overspending, there is no amount of eBay Used selling that will earn you £350 a month, for the next several years. And eBay selling won’t make your pension contributions, or make your CV look good enough to get you a decent full time job when your child goes to school.

Third, high quality UK childcare is outrageously expensive, it is actually most expensive when your children are very little, which for most families coincides with a time when parents’ careers are not at peak earning potential, and you are just getting on the property ladder. Everything seems to hit you at once, and it is incredibly hard. Government funded hours at nurseries are pathetic, average paid jobs are barely worthwhile.

Fourth, there is a lot of judgement from other mums that you should be grateful for the situation you find yourself in. It is important to work, they tell you, so that if you DH has an affair and leaves you high and dry scraping money together to pay for the child(ren) he has walked away from, well you’ll be glad of your earning potential then. Well, colour me happy, I’m so lucky and I didn’t even know it.

Fifth, despite lots of attempts to get dads to be more equal it is still very hit and miss. It is rare to find a well-paid job advertised as flexible or part-time, and rarer still for dads to opt to take these kinds of jobs. In 25 years at work, I’ve never met one man who wanted to job share. Men still get paid more than women for similar jobs. Only a few percent of men have wanted to, or been able to, take advantage of shared parental leave. As we saw during Lockdown, mums tend to bear the brunt of care for when children’s daytime childminder, nursery or school is out of action. It tends to be mum who takes time off when the kids are sick, takes the kids to the dentist, gets hair cut, makes sure potty training happens, organises play dates, books the parents evening meetings, buys birthday presents for friends, ensures homework is done, organises purchase of school uniform and shoes and clothes, deals with friendship problems, explains sex and puberty, teaches the kids to tie shoelaces and use cutlery properly.

Sixth, it is very unhelpful to compare a 1950s SAHM with a mum today. Sure women had a very, very tough time in the past. But that doesn’t mean the generation of women who have been told since the 1980s that you can have it all, are finding this an easy option. Because now it is assumed you SHOULD be able to have it all. You should afford a mortgage so you have a property to grow old in and hand down to your kids, not just rent and then die young. Apparently we should have all have a lucrative career, because we have had a good education and more fool us if when age 16 or 18 or 21 we were being encouraged to seek personal fulfilment in our lives, we didn’t choose a career path that would earn us enough to buy childcare as well as a home. Because frankly who knew how expensive it all is? I never knew my salary would barely cover a full time nursery place. No one told me that at school.

Seventh, don’t be telling me people are being selfish, and taking for granted modern luxuries. You can’t blame people for expecting to afford what have become essentials in modern life. We are encouraged to expect a certain standard of living, and then put through the ringer to pay for it.

So yes, many modern mums are having a very tough time.

All I can say is, just hang on in there. I did “have” to work when my DD1 was nearly one. You have to let some of the housework go, you have to run yourself to the point of exhaustion and still plaster on a smile and make the most of time with your child, you HAVE to let go of the mum guilt, you have to attempt to make your partner do a fair share of everything at home. Sending your child to nursery is a compromise that might make you very sad but don’t dwell on what you can’t change. And when your child gets to school, things get so much easier, without nursery fees it feels like a lottery win.

And yes if I seem bristly, I am. And my third child didn’t even go into childcare but was looked after by his father!

I agree op.I work in a nursery and some of the babies are there from 7.30-6pm five days a week.It does feel that we spend more time with them than their own parents. Its sad that parents have to work these hours just to survive.

@leftout1

I think the media and politicians have done a fantastic job belittling the role of raising children and consequently we have a vastly under funded, fucking expensive childcare system

You get 30 free hours of child care a week! What do you want, the moon on stick? Good luck getting that elsewhere.

For a 1yo? Or 2yo? Can you point to this as it's the first time I've heard about it!

@LolaSmiles. I agree. Women find working with young children difficult because they're trying to balance the job, the children and usually the housework as well.

Many men don't find it difficult to work even though they have young children...I wonder why this is ?

I remember my DH having to do the nursery drop-off one day a week soon after our DC had started (I was teaching an early class that term). After doing it the first time, he asked if I could rearrange my class as he was finding it so stressful to organise DC's bag and leave our upset DC at nursery and still get to work on time. And he was doing one day a week .

As women, we have never been in a better position to earn money in different ways and not have a job.

There are literally thousands of ways to earn money on your own. There is website after website of opportunities to not have to do a full time 9 - 5 job.

If all you need to earn is £350 a month, or let's say £500 to cover taxes & NI if you need to, you could do that selling stuff on Ebay. You can design tee shirts, mugs, bags in Canva, for free. Then sign up for Etsy or Shopify, use a print on demand service and sell products that way.

Whilst the demands on women seem to have grown and women still seem to take it all on themselves. Like not ensuring partners do their fair share of the physical and mental load. The way in which we can earn money has exponentially grown.

Check out www.youtube.com/c/TheSingleMumEntrepreneur/videos

There are nearly 80 videos of all different ways you can earn money not doing a 9 - 5.

You need to look outside of this trap you seem to think you have gotten yourself into.

[quote LolaSmiles]**@barelycoping1 you are only going to get a pile on. The prevailing culture of MN now is that working is the correct path for mums,
Not true.
There is a prevailing view that women should make whatever choice is right for them and their family AND that the decision should be an informed choice.

There is an increasing view that mum as the default carrier of domestic load whilst working is an unreasonable burden placed on women by patriarchal structures that give men a free pass to do very little at home.
There is an increasing view that childcare (either done by mum as a SAHP, or paying for childcare) is not mum's responsibility. It is a household responsibility and, where relevant, a household cost. Nobody ever says "paying for nursery means my husband is only left with £X" but there's thread after thread where a woman's take home day after childcare costs is cited, as if it's her responsibility.

Whether a mum stays home or not is neither here nor there, as long as it's an informed decision and it's not a free pass for men to opt out.[/quote]
It is true @LolaSmiles and it’s changed a lot over 15 years.

I’m completely with you on the second shift stuff and childcare costs, (and that all gets much worse if you end up in “SEN land” ie have a child with special needs and then watch in amazement at the gendered assumptions the health and education systems make about parental care. It’s unbelievable.)

However, my youngest is 18 years younger than my eldest and there has most definitely been a shift. For a little while in the 90s there was a genuine “go with whatever arrangement you choose” vibe in the air, following the assumption in the 70s & 80s middle England that SAHMing was best, and now we’ve tipped decisively the other way.

I also wonder if you could earn the £350 many less hours working evenings or weekends. If your DS was with your DH you would have no nursery fees to pay,

Otherwise could you drop to 4 days and find somewhere to make up the shortfall. It would make a big difference I think to how you feel.

Remember this is only a stage and that once your DS gets some free nursery hours or is at school, you will be financially better off.

I don’t think mums have it worse these days. There are plenty of sahms or mums working part time, it just depends on your circumstances. My mum had to work part time from me being about 2 (in the 1970s) just to pay the bills. She did evenings in a clothing factory while my dad looked after me. We only had one uk holiday before I was about 8 I think and even then we went in a friends chalet out of season! Also no mobile phones, streaming, etc. Only basic food, hardly any takeaways. One old car etc. These days we expect so much more,

Money saving expert is a good site to see if you can shave a few pounds here and there.

I am a single mum and work full time. I worked part time when DS was small and would love to work 4 days but at present it is only full or half time allowed and I can’t afford to work part time and do the things we want to do. I could do it if we moved to a tiny house, didn’t go abroad, cancelled various subscriptions, kept my old car for longer, didn’t buy takeaways or treats etc but I want to do those thinga so I make the choice.

I think you are viewing the past with rose tinted glasses. Housewives of the past didn't spend all day with their dc, they had lots of unpleasant demands on their time that we don't have kniw due to modern technology (washing machines, dish washers, central heating etc).

I wouldn't give up the progress we've made towards equality for anything, and nor do I think it would be in the best interests of my dc for me to do so.

But, it is understandable to want to be at home more. Can you move to a cheaper area and manage on one salary? If you earn more, could you step up and your partner stay at home? Or could both you and your partner reduce working hours (or move to working some of your hours in the evenings or weekends) so you share childcare between you?

For what it's worth, my dc bloody love their childminder and going to her has been very positive for them.

Meh, I stayed at home for a good while!! Hated it to be honest @barelycoping1 so I went back to work. I love my job and I thrive on being busy. Suits me better this way. Everyone is different I suppose

Can you not look for another job? I don’t work in my previous field because although I was highly paid it wasn’t worth it for me to be away so much. I’ve found a job that allows me to work around my daughter, she does 3 mornings at nursery and the rest of the time I can do it around her naps, she even comes with me sometimes! I saw a job for at The Nappy Lady a few days ago that advertised working around naps. I honestly feel like I’ve got the best of both.

I think its better now. My nan worked as an out of hours cleaner in a factory. Long shifts. had 5 children plus two who died in infancy due to infectious diseases. Couldnt access contraception without her husbands permission. Couldnt get a better job as she grew up when girls education wasnt a priority, it was legal to have different rates of pay for men and women, no mat leave. It was hard to provide for you family if the man was a injured or died for instance. There wasnt good quality nurseries to turn to - really only the very wealthy had quality childcare. There wasnt online deliveries and she washed clothes by hand and had a mangle.
It sounds truly shit compared to now.

@PaperbackRider

es so whilst you aren't there your child is raised by nursery workers, who are teaching social values because you aren't able for those hours.They are in loco parentis, parents to your child whilst parents work.Parents just need to try to uphold the values they hope that nursery have taught. Whilst also hoping they are in accordance with how you'd like your child raised in your absence.Some people don't mind this, but others wouldn't go near with a barge pole, we are all different

And you think clearly better.

This is ridiculous, insulting, bullshit. If you send your kid to school, is the teacher raising your child? No, obviously not, any more than the nursery staff are. Nursery don't teach values that the parents then follow, and you bloody know it.
Take your judgemental, smug, stupid bollocks elsewhere.

Erm I was replying to the point made about teaching social skills. Yes, teachers too are in loco parentis. Yes, I hope they teach social values for parents to follow. Gosh, not happy with your choices, Most people do what they want to, OP said she didn't want to work, it's up to her.

I worked three days using nursery but even if I had done all 5 days there is no way that nursery staff brought them up SMT more than teachers bring them up but mine were not there from 7.40 till 6, I must admit. I did 8.30 until 4.40 to 5 with a five minute walk home.
OP you have a choice to make. My SIL was a SAHM and took cleaning jobs in the evening (doctors surgery) when her DH was home. They managed like that. If you want to, you should be able to sort something out. Another friend was a childminder and just had one other child of a similar age to her own as she felt she could manage that well.
But consider part time if you can as I thought it was the best option - still had 2 weekdays to do fun stuff with DC but had a salary coming in and a job to keep.

YANBU.

Two parents shouldn't have to work. Life is too expensive. It's shit.

For £350 a month would you consider getting a Saturday job instead? Bars and restaurants are crying out for staff at the moment.

I've been a SAHM for nearly 20 years. We only had husband's income, and have only in recent years been able to increase that. For most of our life as a couple, we had to do whatever we could afford. No eating out, no cinema, or anything like that. Travelling abroad was to visit family and friends, and was done out of season, because we couldn't afford in-season tariffs. . Travelling in the UK wasn't much easier, because our budget meant we couldn't afford that, either. That hasn't prevented us from having fun and enjoying life. It *has meant that we went for lots of walks, or went cycling, as a family.

We've shared the parenting, and the chores. Whoever was best at something/enjoyed it more/hated it less, did it. We both worked, it's just that I didn't get paid for my work, same as husband didn't get paid for being a dad.

Older friends and relatives tried to dismiss SAHPs as non-working, until we pointed out that SAHPs do an awful lot that just isn't recognised. Only you and your chap will know whether there's anything you could manage without in order for you to become a SAHP. Only you and your chap will know whether you're both ready and willing to make any possible financial sacrifices.

I sort of feel the same way, but the thing is, choices are still possible. So I'm now working part time, my kid is with a babysitter he loves part time, we're all better off. We're lucky in the sense that my income isn't needed to make ends meet, but I've worked hard for my career so that's a bummer to give up. And we don't like at the edge of our means, we live well below it. That's a choice as well. I'd do a really honest inventory to see if there are any financial obligations you can discharge, and trade that in for more time with your child. Of course, not possible for everyone.

It doesn't feel like it if he's spending more time with other people than me.

Still a bit insulting to people using childcare. You say your DH works longer hours than you, does that mean it feels like he’s married to his boss not you?

Sounds like you have two problems: DH not pulling his weight and/or martyrdom. Your idea of what it was like for women in the past is based on a fantasy.

If you're only making £350 a month after childcare would you consider leaving your job and working a couple of evenings/weekend mornings when your DH is around to watch your DC? 10hrs a week min wage would equal what you earn now. I work in a shop 5.30-9.30pm 2 nights a week and earn more than working full time paying childcare. Its a temp measure until my youngest is in school.

YANBU. We have four kids ( I know that was our choice, last one not entirely planned), but the whole of their early childhood was spent with me being grumpy and knackered from working nightshifts around my dh's day job to make ends meet. There was a lot less help available for childcare in those days. i honestly don't know how my mental health survived if I'm honest and I have no happy memories of those years.
I would have loved to have had just a few years off work. I went back when my first two were 5 months and four months old as we lived abroad in a country that didn't even pay mat leave.
On a positive note it did keep my hand in with my career which I was able to continue doing for another 15 years.