To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

You do you.

I can't do me because I have to go back to work - that is the problem!!

I've got to go now but will be back later to read the comments. Thanks all, wasn't expecting this many replies!

If you really want to be a SAHM then make it happen - move to a smaller house / cheaper area or find a job that you can do around your partners job - weekend work , evenings , night shifts .

This. I feel pretty offended that this is how you view working mothers

Eh? I AM a working mother, just wish I didn't have to be!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Couldn’t agree more, equality to me just means women have to do most of the child rearing and pay half the bills. I tend to think most women whether a sahm or a working mum do so because of lack of choice, pros and cons to both but usually either can’t afford not to work or can’t afford to work. I think the media and politicians have done a fantastic job belittling the role of raising children and consequently we have a vastly under funded, fucking expensive childcare system .

I agree.

@SchadenfreudePersonified where did OP say she wanted to skivvy in 1911?

@barelycoping1 you are only going to get a pile on. The prevailing culture of MN now is that working is the correct path for mums, and you’ve accidentally hit a big red button with your “other people raising him” comment, (although actually I can remember feeling like that about my PFB when I was hormonal and contemplating what to do about nursery - I think it’s normal to feel some of these things). Mumsnet was much more mixed 10-15 years ago, but not now.

Go and find yourself a nice supportive FB group or four for SAHMs or PT working mums and ask them how they do it. Nothing wrong with exploring your options.

How many more hours than you does your husband work? And how much of your ‘free time’ is devoted to childcare? Because that is work too.
Now take both your ‘free’ time and divide it in half and you’ll find that you probably do a LOT more housework in your free time right??

And for those who will argue your DH earns more. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say ‘women are not valued for looking after their kids (for free)’ and ‘I absolve DH of housework because he works more.’ The two are not compatible.

Add to that the cost of the invisible labour. I think the problem on all these threads is that it becomes very clear very quickly that most women (or many) have a DH problem even when they are working the same number of hours. I often see women on MN falling over themselves to explain why really they need to do this extra stuff and their precious DHs could not be equal partners.

We collude in sustaining the patriarchy. Why do women pay for childcare? Why is it not a joint expense? When mat leave comes to an end why is it a question of whether the woman will go back to work? Do men ever spend a single second pondering that?

We accept so much shit from a patriarchal society and then self flagellate ourselves for not being good enough. Demand more of your partners and value yourself and your work more!

One of the reasons house prices have increased is due to more women entering the workplace and people buying houses on two wages will all due respect this is wrong and you know nothing about economics

OP you need to review your life and write a long list of:

1. what ways can you make it easier / better
2. what is important to you, and how can you make time to do more of it

Choose one or two things from each section, start with easy ones, and make it happen.

Then keep going, maybe add something from the list every month.

@barelycoping1

Life is passing you by ? What do you mean by "life" ? This is your life now at this stage of your life

I think by "life", what I actually mean is "quality time". Not batch cooking/doing laundry/rushing around spinning plates and trying to get everything done.

You shouldn't have had a child then ?

I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it

You need to accept that was an offensive statement, OP. Those of us who have always worked have absolutely brought up our own DC. Just not in the same way you would like to do. My two were in full time nursery from 6 months old, but it was me and their dad who brought them up (well, until things went tits up at home, but that's a different story).

Would you consider doing some hours at the weekemd or in the evening instead when hopefully no childcare would be needed. If you would only need to earn the £350 a month.

The easiest solution to the OP is for her DH to do more housework and invisible labour. She doesn’t need ‘life admin tips’. Her DH needs to step up.

See even when we are being supportive we are colluding in the patriarchy. Make a list of all your jobs. Write down how much ‘free time’ you have (not working or looking after children/doing nursery runs) and I mean ALL jobs. And then divide it fairly. And I promise you, that if your DH was to do his share you would magically have free time.

@24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed

That aside, I'm sorry you feel this way but you aren't paying someone to raise your son, you're paying someone to look after him for a few hours a day. You're his mum. He'll be raised by his parents

This. I feel pretty offended that this is how you view working mothers. As if we just throw our children at someone else to raise.
Me and my partner raise our daughter. Nursery workers are there to care for her basic needs and teach her social values while I’m not there to do so.

Yes so whilst you aren't there your child is raised by nursery workers, who are teaching social values because you aren't able for those hours. They are in loco parentis, parents to your child whilst parents work. Parents just need to try to uphold the values they hope that nursery have taught. Whilst also hoping they are in accordance with how you'd like your child raised in your absence. Some people don't mind this, but others wouldn't go near with a barge pole, we are all different.

Presumably her DH is happy to work while someone else is raising HIS son too?

@leftout1

I think the media and politicians have done a fantastic job belittling the role of raising children and consequently we have a vastly under funded, fucking expensive childcare system

You get 30 free hours of child care a week! What do you want, the moon on stick? Good luck getting that elsewhere.

The free 30 hours are only from the term after the third birthday. That gives a lot of people huge problems affording childcare for more than two years between end of maternity leave and the free hours. The cost of FT childcare for one child is often more than a family’s mortgage.

Germany, France, Sweden all do much better, in terms of subsidised childcare, for a start. I don’t want to list more without checking.

Even countries like the US have transferable tax allowances and family tax credits (in the true sense).

Could you become a childminder OP? Then you can combine work and be with your DC.

@barelycoping1 you are only going to get a pile on. The prevailing culture of MN now is that working is the correct path for mums,
Not true.
There is a prevailing view that women should make whatever choice is right for them and their family AND that the decision should be an informed choice.

There is an increasing view that mum as the default carrier of domestic load whilst working is an unreasonable burden placed on women by patriarchal structures that give men a free pass to do very little at home.
There is an increasing view that childcare (either done by mum as a SAHP, or paying for childcare) is not mum's responsibility. It is a household responsibility and, where relevant, a household cost. Nobody ever says "paying for nursery means my husband is only left with £X" but there's thread after thread where a woman's take home day after childcare costs is cited, as if it's her responsibility.

Whether a mum stays home or not is neither here nor there, as long as it's an informed decision and it's not a free pass for men to opt out.

I agree with you OP. I was a SAHM twenty years ago as our mortgage (7% interest 🙀) was £500 a month so we could survive on one salary. Don't get me wrong, there wasn't a lot spare but we were happy. I would not have wanted to work to pay someone rose to look after them.

You get 30 free hours of child care a week! What do you want, the moon on stick? Good luck getting that elsewhere leftout1 then you nothing about the provisions on the continent

Can you afford to drop a day at work? I work 4 days a week & have been back at work since my DD was 9 months old. She is 8 now & I do feel that I've been able to enjoy spending my day off with her when she was younger and now that she is in school I enjoy taking/collecting her. I do enjoy my job though, maybe that's the difference.

£350 a month, you easily earn that part time in the evenings or weekends if hubby is home.

You sound quite woe is me rather than being thankful that you have options which you probably haven't explored to the full extent.

Childminder over nursery, or even an au pair if you have a spare room. That would give you more disposable income.

If you really just want to be at home then look into all your finances, is your mobile the cheapest it can be, you do not need a weekly takeaway. If you didn't work what would you save in travel?

My mum worked stacking shelves in the supermarket, she didn't even start until we had gone to bed.

Sadly I don't have a choice in the matter.

But presumably you could have saved £350/month for a couple of years before you had childcare to pay, thus planning for 2 years at home? Or maybe bought a smaller house with a cheaper mortgage? There's always a choice. My parents' choice was to live in a tiny flat when we were very young - it was that or not having children.

I was a SAHP for 6yrs. I walked away from a job paying more then £100k to be at home with my DC. I saved for a number of years in advance of pregnancy to support myself while at home.
I appreciate I have been very fortunate.

My parents worked so many hours and very hard jobs. Manual labour and working in a factory. They slogged their guts out day in day out to afford v little tbh. Maybe one caravan holiday a year. Unfortunately they didn’t make it to retirement.

I always look back on their life and think I’m never going to work myself into the ground for a pay cheque again. I’d rather be at home with my DC. Now I manage my own business. I don’t make much money but I work my own hours and get to spend school holidays with my DC.

My kids were small in the 80s. We certainly needed two salaries to get a mortgage and to keep everything going. I paused my career and worked in the evenings so we could pay for everything. We had a clapped out car, no holidays, obviously no mobiles or other tech, no freezer, no dishwasher, no tumble dryer. We had a washing machine because my parents bought us one.

When the children were older, I stopped the evening work and resumed my career part time and then full time when they could be left.

It wasn’t easy. There were no childminders, no after school clubs, no pre school until a group of us set up a community one.

In fact, there were few choices. Even before we had children, I had two jobs for a while and DH always worked six days a week.