To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

I was a SAHM back in the 80s and loved it. We had (just about!) enough money, and in any case, for us, the lack of affordable childcare meant I would be working for literally nothing. There was a lot more "making do" than I think people would accept today, and there was a lot of juggling of money to make it stretch. Think paying off one credit card with another backwards and forwards to minimise interest. Eventually I did go back to work, and juggled that with school age kids.

I am so very grateful I get to go out to work and am not expected to stay at home. Nearly every couple I know now has both parents working 4 days a week, which seems much better for women's careers than them always being the one working very part time or not at all. I loved maternity leave and am a total baby person but I have to say things definitely got less fun for me from around 18 months. Toddlers are exhausting and tedious. I love my children but I am extremely grateful they go to nursery some days, which they adore. I've read countries with very generous maternity leaves tend to actually make it more difficult for women to return to work and there is more societal stigma around it.

Is your partner doing 50% of the domestic load?

I do about 80% of it I'd say, because DH works far longer hours than me.

Hi OP, if you are only £350 / month better off by working, have you considered being a childminder instead? You could then look after your child and just one other would give you more than £350 / month. Just a thought!

You say people used to be able to cover the cost of living on one salary, but people used to spend a lot less money. They didn’t run two cars, go on foreign holidays, have mobile phones, think it’s a human right to have hot tubs, takeaways, the latest laptop/TV/on demand streaming service. The list is never ending. We all spend so much more of our income on unnecessary things compared to previous generations.

We only have one car, don't take foreign holidays and don't own a hot tub. The TV is about 15 yrs old and we don't have any streaming services. We do have mobile phones and have a takeaway once a week though.

YAB massively U

Wealthier people always had it easier, working parents not so much!

For the sake of £350 a month, I'd consider alternative options, including evening or weekend jobs.

my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin.

You just need a better system. If you only have 1 child, and you are out of the house all day, there really shouldn't need that much doing.

I think you are being extremely naive here op. Women back then had it much harder. Being dependent on someone else meant less choice and putting up with situations you would rather not. You seem to think being a sahm today with all smart appliances to do everything and just being with your baby is comparable to the olden days. The costs and facts were always there when it came to having a child. I do understand you would rather be with your baby though.

I think you are being extremely naive here op. Women back then had it much harder. Being dependent on someone else meant less choice and putting up with situations you would rather not.

I see what you're saying. I just don't feel modern life and having it all is everything it's cracked up to be. Earning enough money to pay the bills just feels like such a struggle. I just want some time back!

I was in a similar situation op. I went back for a month and it was just too much as my son was still waking 3 times each night , and my husband works rotating shifts. I was basically doing most of the nights with my son , going off to a full day of work then having to do most of the evening stuff due to my husband's shift/sleep pattern. I genuinely can't remember most of that month as it was that stressful. The kicker was that I was working with other people's children , so I was paying someone to look after my child whilst spending time with stranger's kids. All for £250 pm.

We cut back a lot , we shop cheaper , have sim only phone contracts etc. It's worked out for us. Perhaps consider stopping work until your child is at nursery too.

I totally agree with you.
Me and dh felt the same way so we left the rat race.
It was easier for us though as I come from a culture that doesn't have many materialistic items.
I think it's a case of working out what is best for you, but wild horses weren't going to stop me being at home with the kids.
We are all different though, many would hate to be a sahm.
FWIW, we live within very small means, being asset rich, gained over 30+ years, but cash poor.

I think it would be nice if only one parent had to work in order to work an average lifestyle but I wouldn't want it to end up that the mum is the default "home" parent and the dad is the default "go out to work".

I think women have more freedom and choices now, I would have hated to be told I wasn't allowed to work anymore just because I had children (eg, some banks, civil service etc. in the 70s).

Also people saying £350 per month isn't worth it - £350 is a lot of money. I could probably sell some stuff on eBay to cover one month, but we don't have a huge amount of old stuff that is valuable. I've already sold it all!

It crazy how much things have changed in the last 20 years even. I'm a singe mum and when I had my first child 23yrs ago I could have stayed at home on income support until he was 12yo (not saying I would have, but that was an option). When I had my last child 12 years ago that had changed to only being able to claim IS until the child was 5yo. Now I think on UC you are expected to be looking by time the child is 3yo.

The value of a parent being able to be home to raise a child has definitely decreased in society and it is very hard as a single parent to earn enough to support a family on a single full time wage, especially on min wage, without extra government support.

I think in a two parent family the basic living costs should be able to be managed on a single wage. Would make things easier for single adult households to have quality of life too, even if they aren't able to stay home.

Have you looked at everything to see if there’s elsewhere you can save £350
-change energy supplier
-change car insurance
-is there anything you can cut back on (food shopping is an obvious)

We did this I used to have a cleaner now I do TOMM , it’s just something to consider if you’re that unhappy about nursery and work

Well. I am more than happy to work and contribute to the mortgage. You do have a choice. You could live somewhere super cheap and survive on a single mortgage. But conversely, this small baby stage is just that a stage. Aged 4/5 they will be in school for a chunk of the day and you’ll then be stuck somewhere perhaps not as nice with no job (and possibly no job prospects).

I am however the product of a working and very successful mother and I had a great relationship with her and although I was in childcare from a young age never ever felt that my parents (my dad was extremely hands on too) neglected me.

And your DH needs to do more. Are his working hours 80% longer than yours? If not then there is zero reason that you do 80% of the housework. My DH out earns me by quite a bit and works longer hours but still manages to do a reasonable share of the housework (batch cooking, cleaning, laundry- all of it). If you vanished there would still be roughly the same amount of housework with a small child and he would still have the same hours at work- who would do the jobs then? He would have to step up. So he should be able to step up now as well.

I think women have more freedom and choices now, I would have hated to be told I wasn't allowed to work anymore just because I had children (eg, some banks, civil service etc. in the 70s).

I would hate that too. But I still don't feel women have a choice now over raising the kids/work - it's just swung the other way!

i see what you're saying. I just don't feel modern life and having it all is everything it's cracked up to be. Earning enough money to pay the bills just feels like such a struggle. I just want some time back!

Did you ever consider training in a career that paid more?

I think life has got so much harder for young couples with DC and young singles now. I had my DC from late 80’s until 2000 and financially it was definitely easier then. I was a SAHM when I had 2 of my DC , late 90’s and 2000 and it was quite easy for us to buy a house, then move twice to bigger houses. We only had one car but we could afford extras such as foreign holidays and nice children’s clothes and activities for the DC.
It’s also really hard for single people now. My DS is 32, he doesn’t have a partner. He earns 25k per year, works 6 days a week but can’t even rent a flat where we live without a garuntor. Luckily I’ve just been able to buy a flat for him. He’ll buy it from me in stages. I’ll help with youngest 2 DC too because I think their generation have been really stitched up due to property prices.

Life admin today - just for those who don't know what it is...
Write an 'in sympathy card' including a letter remembering the lost person and scan and print out some photos of the person. Post it. Go to the pick up point and collect a parcel, come back via car wash, plunge a busted toilet, drive and pick up a Facebook market place desk chair via the cashpoint, water everything in greenhouse - all done already.
Later on I will take two bin bags to the charity shop, book a hotel for elderly parents who cant make online bookings, book a car ferry for them. Chase up a solicitor for adult ds who is deployed with the army and is trying to buy a house, but is not in radio contact, phone round tradesman to refit some lino, deflea the cat, fleaspray sitting room. Do other people not do this stuff it takes me ages! On top of my regular household tasks and my real job obviously.

@misspattylacosta

my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin.

You just need a better system. If you only have 1 child, and you are out of the house all day, there really shouldn't need that much doing.

Totally agree with this. I have one child, my husband and I both work full time and we probably spend 30 mins each day on life admin and chores. We have a shared spreadsheet with dates of stuff - insurance renewals, date the Tesco shop is coming, birthdays etc. You just check what’s due in the next few days and do it.

We drop DD off at childcare at 8, home for 8.15, then loads of time to do a load of laundry / put dinner in the slow cooker before starting work.

As an aside, I hate the phrase “someone else raising my child”. A kid going to nursery is not having someone else raising them, you still raise them.

I get you. It's really tricky and honestly I didn't like going back to work either. I was in a well paid job - well above average. But three children in childcare meant my entire salary was taken up in childcare fees. It's not just a matter of getting a better paid job.

I also don’t buy into the cost of childcare is only for the nursery years- after school club is £20 a day, there’s breakfast club expense and endless wks of holiday to fill- expensive and guilt inducing for working parents

@barelycoping1

I think you are being extremely naive here op. Women back then had it much harder. Being dependent on someone else meant less choice and putting up with situations you would rather not.

I see what you're saying. I just don't feel modern life and having it all is everything it's cracked up to be. Earning enough money to pay the bills just feels like such a struggle. I just want some time back!

Two things. One: for the vast majority of families it has always been a constant struggle to pay the bills and have a decent family life. Most women throughout history have always worked, because they had to to survive. The kind of SAHM existence you are imagining has always been the preserve of a privileged few - and many women were deeply, deeply unhappy in their gilded cage. (Look up how many aristocratic women or 50s housewives were chronic invalids, or took "nerve tonics" or Valium.)

Second: you're in the thick of one of the hardest bits right now. You just went back to work and have to learn how to balance it all, your baby is still very young and exhausting and demanding. Your childcare costs will reduce, your child will get more independent. It won't always feel this hard even if you change nothing else.