To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

The thing is, DH works longer hours than me so I feel it's fair for me to do more of the housework. Why should DH work longer hours and do half the housework as well? Or am I missing something here?

but I promise you, if you were transported back to the 50's and you were a SAHM, you would not have lots of time to just play with the kids. You'd be a thousand times more knackered than you are now.

You're probably right to be fair! I think my nan has influenced me, she's always going on about how much easier and better it was in her day haha

I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it

Don't be a dick. Sorry if you're struggling but slagging other women in this way is not ok.

I sympathize with you @OP, if being a SAHM is what you want then it is a real shame that it isn't an option.

I'm going back to work but only 16 hrs, and my OH is reducing his hours slightly and working around my shifts, so that we are both looking after DS, no nursery or childminder.

I think I'd be happy for DS to go to nursery for 2 mornings when he's maybe 2/2.5 for the social aspect, but he's coming up for 1 and I don't want him looked after by anyone else but his parents at the mo, like you. Not knocking anyone else or chooses otherwise.

Could you work your hours flexibly to fit around DHs hours?

I've been there in spades OP.

Childcare isn't leaving you with £350 pm. It's enabling you and your DP to earn whatever you BOTH earn.

No need for you to be doing all the housework and life admin (which I agree, is a thing) - there are TWO capable adults to do all of that.

Nursery is great and is actually one of the easiest parts of child rearing I think. Pay a lot yes - but drop your DC off with a bag in the morning, collect at night, pay the bill, all done.

Unless your DC is a dreadful sleeper or has SN, with one you should be able to smash your house stuff in the evenings after work / nursery and have weekends to yourselves.

Once DC goes to school, it's harder - mid-morning drop-off, mid-afternoon pickup, clubs, activities, far more life admin, kids parties etc. etc.

You are working for your pension, your potential and your property. Those things are VASTLY more important in the long-run. A lot of time with your child is doing very mundane stuff, that at this age they can't remember anyway.

That said, it would be good to find a balance. At this stage I worked 4 days. Then we had another DC, both left good jobs and started businesses etc. it's been VERY physically and mentally tough.

I genuinely think you need a break, and too look at everything from a household point of view, not just your income, your job, your time with your child.

Unless you have DP problem which is another issue altogether...

And regards life admin, blimey, if you needed something today, let's say a new frying pan, all you have to do is go on to the Amazon App and order it, and woosh, it's on your door step the next day.

My Nan would have to walk to the bus stop, catch 2 buses in to town, scour the town looking for the frying pan, then catch 2 buses home again.

Amazon = 2 minutes
My Nan's scenario = 2 hours minimum

We honestly don't know we're born!

Also- my mother was a stay-at-home, technically, but we were chucked out the door during daylight hours every summer and the idea that she would stop cleaning or cooking or gardening or reading her novel or sewing or doing her crosswords to "play" with us was unthinkable. She was loving and funny and taught us how to do all these things alongside her, and she read books to us at night, and would (briefly) watch whatever play or dance routine we came up with if we asked, but other than that, we made our own entertainment and she was a parent, not an entertainer and she DEFINITELY was herself before she was A MOTHER. I tried to be the same with my own children, though I did work full time for their entire lives from the time they were about a year old and they had great day-cares and babysitters that they loved. I asked my daughter once if she would have rather stayed home with me and she laughed at how boring that sounded.

I envision a LOT of problems when the children of current mumsnetters grow up and find that they aren't as precious and important as they thought.

I would move to a cheaper house and be a SAHM. Or alternatively, be a SAHM when your DP is at work and work part-time at weekends or evenings. Maybe a full day at the weekend and one evening would bring in £350 a month?

£350 is a lot. I worked at a loss for 2 years . BUT I love my job and wanted to keep my career on track as I know how vulnerable mums can be in relationship breakdowns. Plus I was lucky that we had an inheritance that took £400pcm off the mortgage and Tax Credits helped so we were 'ok'.

Is part time an option? I still only work 4 days a week even though DD is at school now so we can breakfast together on Friday and go to the park or have playdates or just mummy and DD time after school.

I also have a 1yo DS and would find it very hard to send him to nursery while I worked (appreciate many don't have a choice).
He has several life threatening allergies which means nursery isn't really an option anyway at the moment.
I WFH and fit my work in when he naps and sleeps as well as when my DH (who shift works) is free.
I proofread, edit and write articles. This is ideal as, while I have deadlines, no one will notice if DS goes for his nap late and I have to log on to my computer at 1pm instead of mid day.
It works for us. It can be hard to fit it all in but it's worth it. If you can think of a WFH job, maybe give it a go? Things like translating, admin, customer services, craft businesses etc. are all options.

@barelycoping1

It doesn’t feel like it’s better for me to work right now - it feels like I’m stuck in a rat race with little quality of life, barely any money anyway (despite working) and no time. I just feel like life is passing me by at breakneck speed and I do the same stressful routine every day. Just fed up I guess.

Life is passing you by ? What do you mean by "life" ? This is your life now at this stage of your life .

I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it

Don't be a dick. Sorry if you're struggling but slagging other women in this way is not ok.

I didn't mean to slag other women off. I'm allowed to say that I'd rather be with my DC than go to work though, just as other women would rather go to work than be a SAHM. Sadly I don't have a choice in the matter.

I'm not saying that your life isn't hard, but I promise you, if you were transported back to the 50's and you were a SAHM, you would not have lots of time to just play with the kids. You'd be a thousand times more knackered than you are now.

She’s not comparing to the 50s, though, is she? She’s probably thinking of the 80s/90s when she was a child.

All my female relatives worked, going back as far as I know about, so I don't think so.

Maybe YOUR female relatives aren’t representative of mid-late twentieth century womanhood in OP’s family/suburb/town/class? Just a thought.

I understand completely. If it’s £350 a month, could you do some evening work to make that much? Then stay with your dc in the day?
I went back when Ds was a year old, it was huge costs in nursery fees but I think it got me in the routine of paying childcare. Some mums worked but seemed to be forever trying to badger people to do favours of pick ups etc (for free). For some, it’s a tough part of balancing up having a career long term.

Exactly as lockout post. Think you are being very simplistic and naive. Also back then, women had far many more kids who also occupied each other while the women were slogging away. You have some options now, move areas, retrain in to a higher paying career. You seem to be more resentful about choices You made that doesn't give you options right now. Fwiw I'm also a sahm but studying towards another qualification. As soon as both kids are primary age I plan to get back to work. My dm was a sahm and to be honest I cannot remember any of the younger days. In fact when I was in my teens I wished she actually worked as she was always there. Plan ahead for yourself.

I think the media and politicians have done a fantastic job belittling the role of raising children and consequently we have a vastly under funded, fucking expensive childcare system

You get 30 free hours of child care a week! What do you want, the moon on stick? Good luck getting that elsewhere.

Life is passing you by ? What do you mean by "life" ? This is your life now at this stage of your life

I think by "life", what I actually mean is "quality time". Not batch cooking/doing laundry/rushing around spinning plates and trying to get everything done.

You do you. But my DD has been in nursery 5 days a week 8:30-5pm while I work from home.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM just about comfortably, but I don’t want to and I don’t think DD would appreciate it now she’s at nursery.

She’s come on so much better since being there, her speech and confidence is much better.

I like having the extra income for nice things without having to think ‘maybe next month’ ‘I can’t afford this toy for DD this month’

I like the freedom money gives us. And the time I spend with DD in the evenings, mornings and weekends are even more precious.

Plus her face when I pick her up from nursery and she comes running out to give me a big hug and babbles to me which i can only assume is her telling me about her day is just the most heart warming part of my day.

I found being a SAHP very hard, I don’t think lockdown helped at all but the cabin fever, the boredom and the lack of adult human interaction just got me down.

We are all much happier with our in-nursery life.

That aside, I'm sorry you feel this way but you aren't paying someone to raise your son, you're paying someone to look after him for a few hours a day. You're his mum. He'll be raised by his parents.

Exactly right.

barelycoping1
You both work full time don't you?
Is your DH actually working productively for all the extra hours? Or is there a chance that he's like some of my male colleagues and my friends' male colleagues who seem to have a long, but not very productive working day?
I'm not meaning to sound harsh, but since having DC I've found it eye opening how many men and women in the same job behave (eg. Mums in one job have the ability to do their prep after the children are in bed, but a dad doing the same job seems to fritter away time at work until 6pm and conveniently gets out of doing dinner time and bath time, both have the same job!)

If you're both working full time then one full time parent doing 80% of the housework isn't fair, especially as during that time the parent doing the housework also has to watch the child.

At the weekend, how are household responsibilities allocated? Do both parents get time to themselves to relax and/or do hobbies?

@barelycoping1. It's not a fair trade on the hours/nursery runs/housework.

Being able to concentrate 100% on your job in the knowledge that someone else is dealing with the kids, cooking and house is a huge privilege. Where I used to work, many men with young kids would carve out a fair chuck of 'me' time at work, going to social events, taking a lunch hour, grabbing a coffee with workmates or heading to the gym if things were quiet.

Working under those conditions is entirely different to frogmarching DC out the door to school/nursery, covered in cereal and having spent half the morning screaming at everyone to hurry up, not having had time for breakfast and worried you're going to be late for an important meeting or you've forgotten the gym kit. And having the same palaver at pick-up time and then having to cook, do bathtime and prepare for the same soul-destroying performance the next day without having had a moment to yourself.

I’ve done both and neither is perfect. I think a lot demands on you having family support. We have no family support and this year has been very difficult for us.

I’m just place marking and I will return with my tips for making life admin easier if that would be helpful OP?

I've started researching my family tree. Got to my maternal grandmother.

In the 1911 census, there she is - 5 weeks old - living with the head to the household, her father (aged 30), her 26 yo mother, her 6 year old brother, her maternal grandmother (widow), her father's 12 yo sister and his three brothers (one 16, one 18, the other 23 - and a widower), the widower uncle's 3 yo son.

So, in one household 4 adults, 2 teenagers, 3 children and a newborn baby. They all lived in one room in a shared house.

I really don't think your life is in ANY way worse than the lives of the two adult women in that family.

(BTW - my Gt-grandmother had given birth to, and lost, three children between my DGM and her 6 yo brother. She had a further 4 in the 10 years after my DGM. By the time of the following census in 1921 she was a widow, my Gt-grandfather having been killed at work (he was a blacksmith - was kicked in the head by a dray horse). She was widowed at 36 with 5 totally dependent children, one teenager working down the pit, and with no state benefits and no NHS.

No - in general, life is NOT harder for mothers now.

I certainly don't want to go back to being the property of my husband and expected to stay at home, I'm so pleased things have moved on.

Doesn't sound like your gripe is with modernity, more because you're picking up all the slack...a dh issue.

Can you look at what you would need to do to have the life you want?
Could you downsize, lose a car, not £350 a month but less insurance, MOT, repairs, etc.
Check council tax is right band, cut back on heating and cooking expenses.
Food and household goods, can you fix and mend rather than throw and replace.
If the average person can save up to a grand by changing various suppliers, according to Martin Lewis, then that wouldcount for a few months.
DIY to save maintenance costs.
Add up how much it costs you to go to work, some people save around £50 a month not buying coffees. Do you have takeaways, they are expensive?
Other things we don't have are holidays abroad, very often. Usually save and go once every few years.

That aside, I'm sorry you feel this way but you aren't paying someone to raise your son, you're paying someone to look after him for a few hours a day. You're his mum. He'll be raised by his parents

This. I feel pretty offended that this is how you view working mothers. As if we just throw our children at someone else to raise.
Me and my partner raise our daughter. Nursery workers are there to care for her basic needs and teach her social values while I’m not there to do so.