I’m so fed up with school runs

[Anon6545]

I feel drained and exhausted. I only do school runs 2 days a week as I work part time. I wish I didn’t feel like this. Just lining up waiting to go in and chatting to other mums just drains me. I feel really down on my days off and I don’t want to waste it. Mornings are okay as everyone rushing to get to work but pick up is the worst. I have no family to help out and husband doesn’t finish work in time for pick ups so I’m on my own.

I blame myself for being so friendly in beginning. I had more energy when my child had just started nursery in the school but 3 years later I have zero energy I feel less able to smile and have chats about nothing. I have a full on job 3 days a week and younger children at home.

I don’t know why they bug me so much. I would love to just pick my child up and go home. I have so much in my mind I find it exhausting talking. Take today for example I was walking to the school and a mum walks with me and starts non stop chatting, I was finding it so difficult keeping up. I asked her what time she finishes work she replied “x time” then said “but I told you that last week too”, like I don’t remember any conversations I have with them!

Then at line up another one starts chatting and moaning about the parking situation. I really tried to look interested and the conversation lasted probably 3/4 mins but was torture for me as I felt her energy just zapping all of mine. I just walked quickly and said sorry I have to run and bye.

I don’t know why I feel this way. I wish I didn’t. I hate doing school runs.

I get you OP. I've been doing school runs every school day for 10 years (self-employed) and I hate, hate HATE chit-chat and smalltalk. People joining you on the walk is the worst, and I know they think they are being nice but if you find it stressful finding something to say, your heart just sinks.

Having said that, even I have made friends through school, because once in a while I meet someone I click with, but I still find it exhausting.

You need to cultivate a good bitchy resting face and while waiting always looking at your phone in a kind of "shit got to deal with this urgent business situation" way :o

@ChairmansReserve

I’m overly empathetic so that means e.g. a “normal” person would listen to a sad new story and forget it after a few minutes for me it stays in my mind for longer...I am not anti-social I’m actually a very kind and nice person but right now I’m juggling so much I can’t take on negativity from other mums during pick ups

Oh I'm sorry OP, I hadn't realised that the reason you hate and resent other people's existence so much is that you're just too kind and caring and empathetic. aww bless, it's hard to be so much more sensitive and caring than everyone else

What a nasty comment.

@Anon6545

you need to decide what you want.
you have to shut it down or phase it out.
either way you need to let them know you have no energy to chat.
unfortunately whatever you do they might feel rejected and/or think you are rude - if you don't care about that then be bold.

or try various tactics to be/appear less available as others said.

maybe it's because I don't suffer fools, maybe because I have 7 kids so on my 17th years of school runs (lot of them spent with 3 school runs per day, 5 days/week) with at least 4 years to go, maybe because I'm not British, maybe because I'm permanently exhausted, maybe several other things but I'd have to shut down the complaining and gossiping.
I wouldn't have the mental energy.

Having said that school run chats have never been an issue for me. I like it when in the mood. if not I just say "sorry I'm not feeling well/preoccupied, let's talk some other time"
it's totally fine to just say you are not up for it

I like it on the whole. Other parents are nice, I like a quick chat. I have a good memory for details about people though so small talk comes easy. Sometimes I'm not in the mood though and just keep to myself. I can see others are the same - sometimes they make eye contact and chat, others not.

There is a reason we need to adapt to the environment, be that work or a school run. I may not feel comfortable in every interaction, I’m also socially awkward and can overthink a lot. But I believe it’s important to make an effort. Because you may need support and vice versa, we are social beings. Emergencies happen. I had to isolate quite a few times and I’m so happy I’ve made an effort with people cause I’ve been offered help with drop offs during my isolations, otherwise my children would not attend school. Never talking and bitchy face maybe a good strategy for an immediate comfort but it doesn’t work long term. Be yourself, you don’t have to make speeches during drop off. But consider that your attitude towards people affects your life as well. Sorry, a bit sensitive here. Remember making an effort with some people who chose a “bitch” face. Well, it’s their choice.

I don't miss this. I did every single drop-offs and pickups for all of nursery and primary for mine, as well as working. It was tedious, but a necessary evil.

Now I'm still a taxi as schools are awkward to get to, but secondary school is easy.

YANBU. It's a right chore Id rather be cleaning the bathroom. Especially with 3 kids under 6, I would be in tears too. I have two under 6 and for some reason it's a ridiculously stressful part of the day especially pick up. They take it in turns to have an after school meltdown on the walk home whilst I'm having to make chit chat with another mum. And really having to say hello to the same people twice a day just feels really silly. Another thing that annoys me is having to walk home with other families walking home the same way and dealing with the inevitable bad behaviour from my kids in front of other parents.

OP reading your updates I get the sense you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to behave the 'right' way and be perceived a certain way by others.

It's ok to take the pressure off and just be you. You're distracted by the little ones, you're not in the mood for a chat, you're already feeling low and can't take any more negativity. Own it! Practise some polite but honest lines you can use to quickly extricate yourself from conversations you don't want to have. "Sorry, these little ones are driving me nuts/I've had a rough day, I can't really take in what you're saying at the moment."

If a couple of them perceive you as standoffish as as result and back off, so what? Nothing bad will happen. I can guarantee the majority of people will just accept you as the human you are and get on with their day!

@Volhhg

YANBU. It's a right chore Id rather be cleaning the bathroom. Especially with 3 kids under 6, I would be in tears too. I have two under 6 and for some reason it's a ridiculously stressful part of the day especially pick up. They take it in turns to have an after school meltdown on the walk home whilst I'm having to make chit chat with another mum. And really having to say hello to the same people twice a day just feels really silly. Another thing that annoys me is having to walk home with other families walking home the same way and dealing with the inevitable bad behaviour from my kids in front of other parents.

but you don't have to chit chat to others while your kids are having a meltdown. why would you? it's better to ignore the other parent than your own children. just say you need to stop talking so you can focus on your kids. stop walking, let the other family leave you behind. take a breath. pay attention to your children and deal with the issue. it's that simple. even if the kids carry on at least there's no audience anymore, which less stressful for you.

Did you know that you don't actually have to talk to anyone if you don't want to?

I'm like this. I have ADHD though. Find it very hard to focus on small talk NEVER bloody remember what They've said and feel drained.

Same (I'm like this and I have ADHD).

This all sounds really similar to me. I always worked full time so never did the school run, then when I started WFH I had to do it and it's by far the toughest part of my day.

Afternoons are slightly easier because I have to do it, but mornings I do everything I can to avoid it. I take my kids (6,10) as far as the road crossing and watch them go into school themselves. Covid has been a blessing with staggering pick-ups, so I pick up 10 mins after the first / before the last possible opportunity and avoid most people.

I'm not rude. I'm honestly very sociable and can chat / listen to rants / make small talk, but I struggle on the school run. There is just far, far too much going and masks add another layer of stimulation. Weather, people, masks, children running around, cars on the road, younger children crying, avoiding that person with a buggy, I need to go to Tesco for milk please don't forget again, I left that work thing unfinished oh shit, did I leave the dryer on, child pulling at you, another child getting in everyone's way, am I getting in everyone's way?.... and then someone starts talking to you (about nothing of interest, usually) as well. It's really hard to explain but it's a very physical feeling of being uncomfortable. I can feel myself irritated. It's an exhausting mix of brain fog, annoyance, anxiety and overwhelm.

We used to joke about this in my family and call it "the grandpa gene". He was / is what you'd call "highly strung". I.e kids being kids he could cope with to a certain extent, even embrace, but then he'd just not be able to cope anymore. Too much noise or mess or stress or movement. I am like this unmedicated. I can be in a foul mood for no real reason, or happy to the point it probably looks manic for no real reason, or irritated or amused etc with very little cause. It was only years later we realised it was probably adhd with my grandpa, and he'll have given it to my mum who passed it on to me.

OP is there any way you can drop at the gate? That's the only thing that makes mornings bearable for me. Pickup, the 10yo makes her own way and has done since she was 8, and in non-covid times I'm on the polite side of late for the younger one. In and out.

Remember making an effort with some people who chose a “bitch” face. Well, it’s their choice.

If you are making an effort with someone who has chosen to give off signals that they want to be left alone, you are making life harder for them!

OK I was being flippant when I said bitchy resting face, I don't mean all the time, and I actually agree with you that we all need basic social skills and have to work on them if they don't come naturally. And I do, and it wears me out. There is nothing wrong with making use of strategies that say "leave me alone" when that is what you need.

Did you know that you don't actually have to talk to anyone if you don't want to?

The trouble is that they talk to you whether you want them to or not, and it's hard to avoid. It's considered socially unacceptable to say "sorry I don't do smalltalk / am socially awkward/exhausted/ please fuck off" so you have to use other tactics.

Also read this and thought ADHD (I've just been diagnosed). Although a lot of introverts have similar experiences I'd say. Less extreme probably but I couldn't be sure - I thought I was just an extreme introvert my whole life for feeling floored by this kind of thing but now I think I might actually be an extrovert with ADHD.

I'm in the last few weeks of school run 😁, and I don't know anything about anyone. I know the my daughters friends, and who some of the teachers are, but I've endured it in blissful ignorance. It's been difficult, but phone, pissed off expression, undisguised disinterest in others lives have been my main methods

@MrsBunHat
I don’t talk to these people anymore. I will not start to talk to them again at a later time when they feel more comfortable (?). I think it’s a fair play.

you could just stare and say "not today, Satan!"

they won't bother you after that

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba
LOL
Good one

You sound really overwhelmed to me OP. I don't think the school run is the issue and that it is how much else you have on meaning you aren't able to deal with the social interaction of the school gates without feeling drained.

@MrsBunHat

Did you know that you don't actually have to talk to anyone if you don't want to?

The trouble is that they talk to you whether you want them to or not, and it's hard to avoid. It's considered socially unacceptable to say "sorry I don't do smalltalk / am socially awkward/exhausted/ please fuck off" so you have to use other tactics.

It is socially unacceptable and besides your kids are talking to their kids you can't really ignore them. These people are nice and are my friends but I just don't want to talk and interact with them everyday.

These people are nice and are my friends

Yes, I have been known to hide behind a van even from friends, because I just don't have the mental energy needed to have a conversation.

I think if you don't experience this it's hard to understand. Many people seem to always genuinely enjoy chit-chatting and think it's a nice thing to do, and if you don't like it they can take offence.

I plan it so I get to pick and drop off just on time. I don't speak to anyone unless they instigate.

You're an adult, you should be able to control your mood in an appropriate manner

I agree with this. Unless you’re actually clinically depressed, you really should learn to handle these things. It’s rather immature to whine about brief interactions with people. It suggests you think your life should be perfect and have nothing in it - however minor - that displeases you.

I find it hard to believe there are so many people seeking you out to complain and moan at you every day for three minutes. Just give a breezy wave and clear off home. It’s not that hard.

I do think lockdown have made introverts more introverts. Maybe it’s that?

You sound to me like you might just be tired. If so, perhaps you could try to focus on finding solutions, ways to lighten your load a bit and/or get more rest.

I don't know the system in your country but I guess you have someone else pick up your kids on the days that you work and you pick up their kids on the days you are off work? If so, would it be possible to pay the other person to pick up the kids all five days or find a mother who stays home who might appreciate a little extra income from it?

You're an adult, you should be able to control your mood in an appropriate manner

Bullshit. This is just utter nonsense, and fucking offensive too, tbh.

Bipolar, PTSD, depression, ODD, ADHD, autism, diabetes, schizophrenia, drug and alcohol dependency... do you want me to go on? Strokes? Dementia?

You might be able to say "adults should be able to control their behaviour". I'd still disagree in some cases but it would be slightly more accurate. OP sounds like she is controlling her behaviour though, she's just not able to control her mood.

But yes let's all belittle another woman who's struggling rather than support her because it makes us feel better and more "adult" apparently. I feel like some of the posters on here should prob check how they're controlling their own emotions...