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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I evil? AIBU to not help him?

194 replies

namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 18:03

NC sorry.

I have a 13 year old DS.

DS dad and I were teenage parents. During our early teens and early 20's he was abusive in every single way. During my relationship with him, he had immigration problems and I would help him out as much as I can. Anything he needed, I will help him. When he didn't have a job (because of immigration) I will give him money and let him stay with him rent free. He is on a temporary visa (?) and will be applying for a British passport this year.

When he did use to work, he would refuse to give me money for DS. He will make excuses that he has a lot of bills to pay, his in debt, blah blah. I got sick of it and applied to child maintenance where they were giving me £300.00 a month. DS dad came to my house unannounced one day and told me that as child maintained are taking his money through direct pay, he is actually paying more than £300.00. He threatened I should stop CM or else. He promised that he will pay CM directly. But he never did as you guessed.

Throughout our 10 years together. He would see DS intermittently. We were lucky if we saw him once every month. At most, DS wouldn't see his dad for 6 months at the time.

Anywhoo, two years ago, DS dad realised his wrong doings and said that he would like to build a relationship with his son. Therefore, for a good two months, he was perfect, providing for DS, taking him out, helping me pick him up from school Ona. Regular basis. However, his dad soon began to get comfortable and the last time we saw him was when he assaulted me in my house. This was two years ago. It went to court this year and he got served with probation:

Last week I received a call from an immigration officer or advisor telling me that am I willing to write a statement on DS's dad behalf and how he has been as a father, and DS's passport as he will be applying for a British passport this year and Home Office have asked information from me.

I told the officer no. That he is using my son and no that I will not allow it. The immigration advisor then asked me what was the contact like between our son and the dad, as he said that he hadn't seen DS due to the lockdown Hmm. I told the officer that he hasn't seen DS for two years, mainly due to the injunction and incident but that I have instructed the court that he can have contact with DS, but it has to be supervised and that he would need to be the one to initiate it.

The immigration officer asked me again that if I was willing to provide a statement and I said "no", that I will not allow him to use his son. That he has not made any type of effort to be a father to his son. The immigration officer sounded very unhappy and quickly hanged up the phone.

Looking back, I think it was a bit harsh. It is his dad after all and it wouldn't be nice if he was sent back to his home country. My friends tell me that I would be stupid if I supported him. But what do you think?

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 25/05/2021 18:16

I think you’d be better to make an honest statement about your experience of him. Refusing to make a statement leaves a void in which his word on what has happened might be taken as truth.

Jokie · 25/05/2021 18:18

Definitely not unreasonable.

MouseInCatsClaws · 25/05/2021 18:22

Make a statement which is truthful

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 25/05/2021 18:22

If he wants you to make a statement I'd make one alright. Declaring what a violent, abusive arsehole and a shit dad he is.

ThinWomansBrain · 25/05/2021 18:29

Absolutely make a totally open statement about what a crap abusive twat he is, and how infrequently he sees his son.
I suspect the short-lived period of improved behaviour was solely due to him assuming it would give him stronger grounds to remain in the UK.
Hopefully he'll be deported.

namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 18:32

But she was acting in defence of him. She did write that he has had no contact with him for two years. But she wanted to give me to give her my sons passport Confused

OP posts:
namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 18:33

@AnathemaPulsifer

I think you’d be better to make an honest statement about your experience of him. Refusing to make a statement leaves a void in which his word on what has happened might be taken as truth.
Do you think so? So the conviction of his charges wouldn't do anything?
OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 25/05/2021 18:36

I would contact immigration services yourself as she doesn't sound very professional.

Howshouldibehave · 25/05/2021 18:37

But she wanted to give me to give her my sons passport

The immigration officer wanted you to give her your sons passport?! Why?

HollowTalk · 25/05/2021 18:38

@namechangesorrrry

But she was acting in defence of him. She did write that he has had no contact with him for two years. But she wanted to give me to give her my sons passport Confused
Hang on a second. Who was this person? Nobody would be acting in defence of him - surely they would want an honest account? And she wanted your son's passport? Why, exactly?

OP, I think you need to get in touch with Immigration and see what's really going on. Don't use any contact details she gave you. You will be able to find a phone number or email address online or via the Citizens' Advice Bureau.

Don't do anything at all until you have checked this out.

Elieza · 25/05/2021 18:38

I don’t know anything about immigration stuff. But am confused.

Is he named on your child’s birth certificate? If so that’s proof so what do they need you to make a statement confirming he’s the dad for?

Who was this person? We’re they genuine? They could have been anyone asking you for dc passport?

goshthatsawful · 25/05/2021 18:40

Why would an actual immigration officer want your son’s passport? Think carefully

Howshouldibehave · 25/05/2021 18:41

This could be anyone demanding his passport! It could be your ex’s new girlfriend!

How did they want you to give it to them??

angstridden2 · 25/05/2021 18:42

It sounds as though this was from an adviser or immigration lawyer acting on his behalf.They Will obviously be looking for evidence to support his application. Seek advice as other posters suggest, but if these people are acting for him I can’t see that you have to give any evidence. Hopefully his previous conduct will speak for itself.

Wuurg · 25/05/2021 18:44

Sounds like your ex has got someone to phone up and request your son's passport?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/05/2021 18:46

@angstridden2

It sounds as though this was from an adviser or immigration lawyer acting on his behalf.They Will obviously be looking for evidence to support his application. Seek advice as other posters suggest, but if these people are acting for him I can’t see that you have to give any evidence. Hopefully his previous conduct will speak for itself.
This. Tread very carefully.
Touloser · 25/05/2021 18:47

Was it an immigration officer for the Home Office or your ex partner's legal rep?

The way the Home Office works means they can't just ask the passport office for a copy of your son's passport to confirm his nationality (which is a fundamental part of their decision) - a copy needs to be submitted by the applicant; in this case on your ex husbands behalf.

Then they'll be looking at the immigration rules and whether he plays a genuine and subsisting role in your son's life. I've never heard of the HO contacting family members directly, which is why I think this is more likely your husbands legal rep asking for evidence on his behalf?

namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 18:47

Sorry. She asked for his passport details, I'm assuming to send her a photocopy, to prove my sons nationality. She said she was an immigration advisor from some sort of charity which she is acting on his behalf. I would love more than to write a letter and say how terrible he is as a father. But I don't want that in my conscious. Hopefully, his conviction, my victim statement (which I said everything about the abuse and no contact with DS) and my non compliance would be enough.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/05/2021 18:47

Is he from the EU, then? I wouldn't do anything to help him stay here. He's been abusive in so many ways.

Hoppinggreen · 25/05/2021 18:48

Am immigration officer would nit want your sons passport and why would she keep pushing you to make a statement to help this man? Be very careful, it sounds suss

Touloser · 25/05/2021 18:48

^ my comments are based on the assumption he's applying under the immigration rules based on a parental relationship; not sure of whether this is the case from what you've written

namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 18:48

@HollowTalk

Is he from the EU, then? I wouldn't do anything to help him stay here. He's been abusive in so many ways.
His from the West Indies.
OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 25/05/2021 18:49

@namechangesorrrry

Sorry. She asked for his passport details, I'm assuming to send her a photocopy, to prove my sons nationality. She said she was an immigration advisor from some sort of charity which she is acting on his behalf. I would love more than to write a letter and say how terrible he is as a father. But I don't want that in my conscious. Hopefully, his conviction, my victim statement (which I said everything about the abuse and no contact with DS) and my non compliance would be enough.
So she wants to help your ex, she is not on your side at all or even impartial
Funnyface1 · 25/05/2021 18:51

This doesn't sound legit at all but if it is I still wouldn't have anything to do with it. Absolutely don't help him.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/05/2021 18:53

Ah so it's someone helping him to get citizenship. Of course they're on his side and want everything nice,neat and easy. Tough titties. He's an abuser and a shit father. You don't owe him or them anything.

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