Am I evil? AIBU to not help him?

[namechangesorrrry]

NC sorry.

I have a 13 year old DS.

DS dad and I were teenage parents. During our early teens and early 20's he was abusive in every single way. During my relationship with him, he had immigration problems and I would help him out as much as I can. Anything he needed, I will help him. When he didn't have a job (because of immigration) I will give him money and let him stay with him rent free. He is on a temporary visa (?) and will be applying for a British passport this year.

When he did use to work, he would refuse to give me money for DS. He will make excuses that he has a lot of bills to pay, his in debt, blah blah. I got sick of it and applied to child maintenance where they were giving me £300.00 a month. DS dad came to my house unannounced one day and told me that as child maintained are taking his money through direct pay, he is actually paying more than £300.00. He threatened I should stop CM or else. He promised that he will pay CM directly. But he never did as you guessed.

Throughout our 10 years together. He would see DS intermittently. We were lucky if we saw him once every month. At most, DS wouldn't see his dad for 6 months at the time.

Anywhoo, two years ago, DS dad realised his wrong doings and said that he would like to build a relationship with his son. Therefore, for a good two months, he was perfect, providing for DS, taking him out, helping me pick him up from school Ona. Regular basis. However, his dad soon began to get comfortable and the last time we saw him was when he assaulted me in my house. This was two years ago. It went to court this year and he got served with probation:

Last week I received a call from an immigration officer or advisor telling me that am I willing to write a statement on DS's dad behalf and how he has been as a father, and DS's passport as he will be applying for a British passport this year and Home Office have asked information from me.

I told the officer no. That he is using my son and no that I will not allow it. The immigration advisor then asked me what was the contact like between our son and the dad, as he said that he hadn't seen DS due to the lockdown . I told the officer that he hasn't seen DS for two years, mainly due to the injunction and incident but that I have instructed the court that he can have contact with DS, but it has to be supervised and that he would need to be the one to initiate it.

The immigration officer asked me again that if I was willing to provide a statement and I said "no", that I will not allow him to use his son. That he has not made any type of effort to be a father to his son. The immigration officer sounded very unhappy and quickly hanged up the phone.

Looking back, I think it was a bit harsh. It is his dad after all and it wouldn't be nice if he was sent back to his home country. My friends tell me that I would be stupid if I supported him. But what do you think?

What about my victim support statement which I wrote to the court when he was convicted. Would immigration receive a copy of that if they run through their checks?

The simple answer is no.

You need to write directly to the Home Office and say that you do not support his application and the reasons why. Ask that the information is kept confidential.

The person who phoned you was his representative (lawyer/charity etc) They are acting in his best interests, not yours (or the countries for that matter)

Do not send a copy of your childs passport. If he can provide this then it will prove they have a relationship (because how would he get it otherwise etc)

Oh and you mum sounds like a dick...

Apologies if this has already been said (I didn’t scroll through all the posts). I think his application for leave to remain is based on the fact that he has a child in the UK. I think it is something to do with the Human Rights Act, and having access to family life, or something like that. That is why they want the passport details and statement regarding a relationship, they/ he are trying to get that from you to support his application. I would suggest what other posters have said, write a truthful statement directly to the home office (not his advisor), and not provide the passport details. I would even go as far as to send a copy of the injunction order.

So the Home Office recruits with job descriptions that specify being good at finding reasons NOT to give someone a visa let alone ILR. So on that count, his history will flag some pretty big warning signs for them. I have a friend from West Africa who works for the civil service (and fairly high up too), is married to a British man and has children with him and her ILR was touch and go recently.

This was a charity. They’re trying to help him build his case. You have no obligation to help them to do that whatsoever.

I’m not sure who you’d actually contact about this but perhaps a call to Citizens Advice to ask if you have any options might help. But personally, I’d do nothing. You’re not together, he’s a hugely negative part of your life and you don’t owe him anything.

Don't do anything or speak to anyone else. You cannot prove a persons identity over the phone. Wait until you get an official letter and then you can - if you wish- write a statement stating the facts. Remember, you owe your abuser absolutely nothing.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Right i missed that part and i do agree. Deportation is so very final however and the option for the son to build a relationship in the future will be gone forever. It is hard to know how the son would feel about that.

[quote Norabatty40]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Right i missed that part and i do agree. Deportation is so very final however and the option for the son to build a relationship in the future will be gone forever. It is hard to know how the son would feel about that.[/quote]
That wouldn't be down to OP at all though, it would be down to her ex being a violent offender who has made no effort to have a consistent and meaningful relationship with his own son. He would be being deported as a result of that, not as a result of OP. The only way she could help his case would be to lie about his character to the authorities, which would be an offence on her part. So there's no reason to insinuate OP has any responsibility at all to facilitate him staying or any guilt at all in him being deported.

Have a look at this Home Office page. There are plenty of people on there that you could contact and there's a general email link at the bottom - if you use that then I'd just ask who you should write to, rather than writing it all out.

I would stress in any email that you are worried about repercussions and want anything you say to remain confidential.

So you have an injunction against him, yet he is trying to make contact through a third party? Is that even allowed?
I would speak to the police, first and foremost

That's true, isn't it? He's got a bloody nerve, hasn't he?

You don't owe him anything - he had his chances to be a good father.

If you've got a criminal record (he has) one of the exceptions to being deported is Article 8, or similar, which means you need to be in the UK to continue your right to a family life.

This bit of the law only works as an exception - having a husband and kids doesn't cut it if you're a Brazilian bank robber, they boot you back to Venezuala anyway. You need to show that your family will suffer if you're not around. Sounds like that's what his adviser is doing.

Be very careful - if you support your ex, you can end up dealing with the Home Office for years and years (they're comedy incompetent). Your ex will push and push to stay in close touch with you to fulfill his legal requirements to make the judge cry cos he's such a good dad.

@Norabatty40

Going against the grain, he is your son's father and if he is deported your son will possibly never see him again.

And quite possibly never get assaulted in her own home again, too.

Swings and roundabouts, swings and roundabouts.

@AllWomenHaveVaginas

So you have an injunction against him, yet he is trying to make contact through a third party? Is that even allowed? I would speak to the police, first and foremost

No it's not allowed and I'm surprised he has the nerve. When he is desperate, he goes through desperate measures. Not once has he apologised or made the effort to call social services to see if he can have contact with his son. We hadn't heard from his since he assaulted me. The doctor told me that I was lucky that didn't sustain brain damage. But the audacity to go through lengths for his own gain just shows how little he thinks of DS or feel any guilt over what he has done. He is a user.

This is exactly the type of person who should not be granted a British passport. You cannot help a man who you think may put a gun to your head!

Honestly? He has been convicted.
I doubt he will pass the good character test for the British citizenship.

The fact the person you talked to was annoyed is probably because he didn’t tell her the whole truth.

Don't help him at all.
Don't give any personal derails out

Btw YANBU to not help.

You can’t treat people like crap and then expect them to help you. Just because.
You also state the truth which is the least you need to do ffor legal reasons.

Just in case he tries to pull a fast one and get another passport issued for your ds... If I were you I'd write to the passport office and tell them that you have your DS's passport, and they should not accept anyone else's assertion that it is 'lost' or any other excuse, and they should refuse any attempt to get a new one issued.

Tell them the circumstances of the abuse you have suffered and the assault etc. Tell them that your ex is wanting to apply for a passport for himself, and you are concerned because he has asked for your DS's passport to support his application and you have refused to give it to him.

If you don't deal with this properly now and by that I mean deal with the home office and tell them everything he will be a blight on you and your child's life for years to come. It's time to be brave once again and deal with this once and for all.

My ExH has lost parental responsibility and that took 9 years to achieve. The kids are so much happy and healthier without him in their lives.

Yanbu op! You did the right thing. What a strong mum you are, well done. Refreshing to read a post where someone did exactly the right thing on here.

@Wallywobbles I'm worried that if a write a statement, it would get him deported and I don't that on my conscious, as silly as it sounds. I was thinking of doing birthing or writer a short stamens saying "I wish not to be contacted any further, ex has had no contact for DS for the past two years, due to DV. Prior to this, contact has been intermittent, where he would see DS every 4-6 months. We currently receive no maintenance and never have done. I would please request that this information is kept confidence as I am worried about the safety of my son and I".

*writing a short statement

I think that you should contact the police over him contacting you and breaking the injunction. If he does have his PR removed then he has less chance of getting British Citizenship. He'll go via the Human rights act, but if there is no relationship between him and your DS then it won't stand up. My Dad's ex had his PR removed within six months of her being assaulted. Her injuries wasn't as bad as yours.

X post, if you won't protect yourself and your DS, then write a statement with minimal information in because he can request copies of documents if he has to lodge an appeal.

So he provides no emotional or financial support for his child and he assaulted his child’s mother to the point you were lucky not to incur a brain injury. Therefore potentially leaving the child with no parental support.

He is now trying to convince a judge that his child needs him around in order to gain a passport.

I’d report him contacting you via a third party (I presume he’s not allowed to do that post conviction). I would tell them you are scared and feel intimidated. I’d also find out who at the home office I could write to and advise he is not a good father.

If you are lucky he’ll have to leave the UK.