Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I evil? AIBU to not help him?

194 replies

namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 18:03

NC sorry.

I have a 13 year old DS.

DS dad and I were teenage parents. During our early teens and early 20's he was abusive in every single way. During my relationship with him, he had immigration problems and I would help him out as much as I can. Anything he needed, I will help him. When he didn't have a job (because of immigration) I will give him money and let him stay with him rent free. He is on a temporary visa (?) and will be applying for a British passport this year.

When he did use to work, he would refuse to give me money for DS. He will make excuses that he has a lot of bills to pay, his in debt, blah blah. I got sick of it and applied to child maintenance where they were giving me £300.00 a month. DS dad came to my house unannounced one day and told me that as child maintained are taking his money through direct pay, he is actually paying more than £300.00. He threatened I should stop CM or else. He promised that he will pay CM directly. But he never did as you guessed.

Throughout our 10 years together. He would see DS intermittently. We were lucky if we saw him once every month. At most, DS wouldn't see his dad for 6 months at the time.

Anywhoo, two years ago, DS dad realised his wrong doings and said that he would like to build a relationship with his son. Therefore, for a good two months, he was perfect, providing for DS, taking him out, helping me pick him up from school Ona. Regular basis. However, his dad soon began to get comfortable and the last time we saw him was when he assaulted me in my house. This was two years ago. It went to court this year and he got served with probation:

Last week I received a call from an immigration officer or advisor telling me that am I willing to write a statement on DS's dad behalf and how he has been as a father, and DS's passport as he will be applying for a British passport this year and Home Office have asked information from me.

I told the officer no. That he is using my son and no that I will not allow it. The immigration advisor then asked me what was the contact like between our son and the dad, as he said that he hadn't seen DS due to the lockdown Hmm. I told the officer that he hasn't seen DS for two years, mainly due to the injunction and incident but that I have instructed the court that he can have contact with DS, but it has to be supervised and that he would need to be the one to initiate it.

The immigration officer asked me again that if I was willing to provide a statement and I said "no", that I will not allow him to use his son. That he has not made any type of effort to be a father to his son. The immigration officer sounded very unhappy and quickly hanged up the phone.

Looking back, I think it was a bit harsh. It is his dad after all and it wouldn't be nice if he was sent back to his home country. My friends tell me that I would be stupid if I supported him. But what do you think?

OP posts:
viques · 25/05/2021 20:05

@namechangesorrrry

I've spoken to my mother and she said I should a write good character reference on his behalf. She reckons that one day the dad will want to make contact with his son, and it will good for him to see what he is missing out on as he cannot do that from the West Indies.
Your mother is asking you to lie. It is never a good idea to lie, especially to government officials.

I do not think it is a good idea for you to write any statement for the person who contacted you by telephone. If she is supporting your ex she will show him what you write and it sounds as though you are frightened of what your ex might say or do afterwards.

If you are contacted by the Immigration people,( who will write to you, not phone you up so you don’t know who you are talking to), then you can write as you wrote above , that your ex assaulted you and was found guilty of the assault in court , and has not been in contact with your son or supported him financially.

Maggiesfarm · 25/05/2021 20:07

@namechangesorrrry

But she was acting in defence of him. She did write that he has had no contact with him for two years. But she wanted to give me to give her my sons passport Confused
Don't do that! If immigration really need your son's passport, take it yourself for them to photocopy and give back to you immediately.
saraclara · 25/05/2021 20:11

Agreed. Don't give her any paperwork, and certainly not your son's passport details.

It goes against the grain for me to tell anyone not to co-operate with someone like this woman, because I have huge respect for their work. But in this case you would be very right to refuse to co-operate at all with your ex's application.

RealisticSketch · 25/05/2021 20:11

It's not your place to get him out of his own mess. If your son is regretful her father is too far away in future you can look him in the eyes and say you have his dad every single chance possible and he blew it every time, if his father is too far away it is through his own actions not yours. Your son deserves to live a life of truth and his dad is who he is. What if you help him stay and years later your son asks why you assisted an abusive person to remain in his life - much harder to give an answer to that one with a clear conscience.
Who knows what your son will wish was different about his life in future, but as long as you hand in heart act with truth, love and in his best interests there is nothing more your son can ask of you.

viques · 25/05/2021 20:12

Do not send your child’s passport, or copies of it to anyone. If you are not planning on travelling anywhere soon I would think about reporting your child’s passport as lost or damaged. I know this would mean paying for a new one eventually but I think it would give you peace of mind.

saraclara · 25/05/2021 20:14

If anyone, ANYONE contacts you again about this, take their name and that of the organisation or service that they work for. Only respond to those you are legally obliged to help.

FrenchieFromGrease · 25/05/2021 20:14

Don't give the immigration charity any information.

Send a letter / email to the Home Office yourself saying that your ex is applying for citizenship and you would like it to be noted that he has convictions for violence and has no relationship with his son. Your ex will never see that letter. The Home Office will find his convictions, see that he doesn't give a shit about his son and refuse him citizenship.

Please don't listen to your mum. This man beat you up and she's encouraging you to support him? Fuck that.

Susannahmoody · 25/05/2021 20:15

Was this woman actually legit?

Sounds like a total scamster

saraclara · 25/05/2021 20:17

@Susannahmoody

Was this woman actually legit?

Sounds like a total scamster

Unlikely. There are many charities doing casework for immigration/asylum applications for those who cannot afford a lawyer.

OP, if you have the name of the organisation, I can check it out for you. Just PM me.

3AndStopping · 25/05/2021 20:21

I've spoken to my mother and she said I should a write good character reference on his behalf. She reckons that one day the dad will want to make contact with his son, and it will good for him to see what he is missing out on as he cannot do that from the West Indies.

He assaulted you, your mother is wrong. If you’re worried about potential consequences for saying anything, then say nothing. Ignore the calls, you’re not obligated to me involved at all. But do not feel guilty!

TillyTopper · 25/05/2021 20:22

This doesn't sound right at all - either the charity is trying to get your ex right to remain here and a passport or it's really dodgy and she is trying to get a passport for him so potentially your ex could take your son. Be very careful and check it out with numbers you source - not ones she has given you. I'd be contacting immigration (gov website for number).

Mrsmadevans · 25/05/2021 20:22

I think you need to think very carefully about what you are doing OP.
Will you feel ok if you don't help and his passport is refused.

Susannahmoody · 25/05/2021 20:23

Will you feel ok if you don't help and his passport is refused.

^

Er, yes?

Hmm
viques · 25/05/2021 20:25

@namechangesorrrry

Can I just write to the immigration and say "That I wish not to make statement on my ex's behalf. That he has not had contact with his son for over two years"... and leave it at that? I just don't want to say something and for it to be on my conscience. Not only that! I'm scared he would do something to me.
You said you had a witness statement from when he went to court for assaulting you. I think if you are asked by the immigration services to make any comment then that would be a good place to start!
viques · 25/05/2021 20:29

@Mrsmadevans

I think you need to think very carefully about what you are doing OP. Will you feel ok if you don't help and his passport is refused.
Why should she help someone who has been convicted of assaulting her to obtain a passport? Would you?

Anyway, if the passport is refused it won’t be because of anything the OP is responsible for or has done , the responsibility for being a shit parent and a criminal with an assault conviction lies with her ex.

Mayra1367 · 25/05/2021 20:29

Ignore all requests for help or give a statement that is true highlighting his abuse and non contact with his son. Your son is much better off without this person in his life .

GreyhoundG1rl · 25/05/2021 20:29

The neck of this man! Trying to use the son he doesn't see / support as a means to get a passport Hmm
If he's been done for assault make bloody sure the Home Office are aware of it.

Norabatty40 · 25/05/2021 20:32

Going against the grain, he is your son's father and if he is deported your son will possibly never see him again.

aiwblam · 25/05/2021 20:32

The vast majority of our authorities are extremely disorganised. I would definitely not rely on anyone automatically seeing the victim statement as part of his case.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/05/2021 20:35

@Norabatty40

Going against the grain, he is your son's father and if he is deported your son will possibly never see him again.
He assaulted the mother of his child, a child he has made no effort to have a consistent or constructive relationship with during his life.

He was convicted of a violent offence against OP. Sometimes the best course of action is to protect a child from a dangerous parent, not grant them access just due to DNA.

Dontbeme · 25/05/2021 20:35

Honestly OP when all this is settled I think you should look into some counseling to help you build up some boundaries. You mother seems about as useful as a wet rag ( with respect) advising you to lie to government officials to help the man who has a conviction for assaulting you. You need to develop some self preservation instinct for the Safety of you and your DC. Do not lose a moments sleep over this man any longer, his issues with immigration are of his own making.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/05/2021 20:36

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

If he wants you to make a statement I'd make one alright. Declaring what a violent, abusive arsehole and a shit dad he is.
This.

Don't lie, but don't paint a rosy picture either - give the plain unvarnished truth - he is abusive, violent, only sees his child when it suits him, doesn't pay maintenance etc.

Do not surrender your son's passport - you have no proof of who this person is, and it may be a trick so that he can take your child out of the country.

Chloemol · 25/05/2021 20:37

She an advisor, from a charity not from immigration

You need to contact immigration services direct and tell them the truth. If he gets sent home he gets sent home

Notaroadrunner · 25/05/2021 20:37

@Norabatty40

Going against the grain, he is your son's father and if he is deported your son will possibly never see him again.
And? He's proven to be a shit father so far, using his son to push his own agenda. I doubt the son will miss out by not seeing him if he's deported. And he'll be able to make up his own mind when he's older, can travel to visit him if he so wishes.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/05/2021 20:37

@TillyTopper

This doesn't sound right at all - either the charity is trying to get your ex right to remain here and a passport or it's really dodgy and she is trying to get a passport for him so potentially your ex could take your son. Be very careful and check it out with numbers you source - not ones she has given you. I'd be contacting immigration (gov website for number).
Good advice here - check ALL details.