Am I evil? AIBU to not help him?

[namechangesorrrry]

NC sorry.

I have a 13 year old DS.

DS dad and I were teenage parents. During our early teens and early 20's he was abusive in every single way. During my relationship with him, he had immigration problems and I would help him out as much as I can. Anything he needed, I will help him. When he didn't have a job (because of immigration) I will give him money and let him stay with him rent free. He is on a temporary visa (?) and will be applying for a British passport this year.

When he did use to work, he would refuse to give me money for DS. He will make excuses that he has a lot of bills to pay, his in debt, blah blah. I got sick of it and applied to child maintenance where they were giving me £300.00 a month. DS dad came to my house unannounced one day and told me that as child maintained are taking his money through direct pay, he is actually paying more than £300.00. He threatened I should stop CM or else. He promised that he will pay CM directly. But he never did as you guessed.

Throughout our 10 years together. He would see DS intermittently. We were lucky if we saw him once every month. At most, DS wouldn't see his dad for 6 months at the time.

Anywhoo, two years ago, DS dad realised his wrong doings and said that he would like to build a relationship with his son. Therefore, for a good two months, he was perfect, providing for DS, taking him out, helping me pick him up from school Ona. Regular basis. However, his dad soon began to get comfortable and the last time we saw him was when he assaulted me in my house. This was two years ago. It went to court this year and he got served with probation:

Last week I received a call from an immigration officer or advisor telling me that am I willing to write a statement on DS's dad behalf and how he has been as a father, and DS's passport as he will be applying for a British passport this year and Home Office have asked information from me.

I told the officer no. That he is using my son and no that I will not allow it. The immigration advisor then asked me what was the contact like between our son and the dad, as he said that he hadn't seen DS due to the lockdown . I told the officer that he hasn't seen DS for two years, mainly due to the injunction and incident but that I have instructed the court that he can have contact with DS, but it has to be supervised and that he would need to be the one to initiate it.

The immigration officer asked me again that if I was willing to provide a statement and I said "no", that I will not allow him to use his son. That he has not made any type of effort to be a father to his son. The immigration officer sounded very unhappy and quickly hanged up the phone.

Looking back, I think it was a bit harsh. It is his dad after all and it wouldn't be nice if he was sent back to his home country. My friends tell me that I would be stupid if I supported him. But what do you think?

@namechangesorrrry, YOU wouldn’t be sending him away.
He will have done that all on his own the day he assaulted you.

The immigration system in the U.K. can be unnecessarily roughtless. Getting a conviction was never going to help him. But HE did that. Nothing to do with you/what you said or did

Okay so this lady wasn’t an immigration officer, they work for a charity helping people with immigration issues so are on his side so to speak. I would write to the actual immigration office address, state you have had contact from this charity relating to your ex and his address, DOB, then lay out factually his contact levels (or lack thereof) and say that as a victim of domestic abuse (as evidence by court records) you wish your statement to be kept confidential for your safety and if they cannot guarantee that to return the statement to your address.

Are you sure she was an immigration officer op? I have some experience In this area and have never heard of an immigration officer actively going after evidence like this. Fact checking yes, but sounding annoyed that you couldn't provide a statement in support? Really? If genuine they would have taken your statement whatever it said without opinion. Under no circumstances hand over the passport. Go to Gov.uk and call the official home office number. I think you'll find they know nothing about it. He's playing you.

No, you are not evil or unreasonable. I would not have anything to do with this creep or allow my child near him either, if I had any choice in the matter.

This man has done so much damage. Why on earth are you worried about having him deported? It's his own actions that will cause that, not yours.

If you just tell the truth then you are not responsible at all for whatever happens to him.

Regarding your comment on you sending him away. Where is his remorse about attacking you, his sons mother? One wrong punch or shove and your sons life will change forever.

Protect your son by making sure this man cannot get near you.

I really wish you all the best. It’s really worth exploring why you feel such guilt this may help you move on and get him out of your lives. You got together so young and maybe a counsellor will help you stop feeling guilty and explore why you feel you need to help him.

OP honestly, your conscience? What will be on your conscience when he next brings his troubles and his violence and his abuse into your ds' life? You should be praising God that you have the chance to get his arse slung out of the country once and for all.

Be very careful it sounds like someone is trying to do a number on you. definitely do everything you can to keep your evil ex out of the country

Not sure I'd want a violent, abusive shit father who doesn't abide by the law in terms of CM, domestic violence and contact to become a British Citizen tbh.

[quote namechangesorrrry]@Wallywobbles I'm worried that if a write a statement, it would get him deported and I don't that on my conscious, as silly as it sounds. I was thinking of doing birthing or writer a short stamens saying "I wish not to be contacted any further, ex has had no contact for DS for the past two years, due to DV. Prior to this, contact has been intermittent, where he would see DS every 4-6 months. We currently receive no maintenance and never have done. I would please request that this information is kept confidence as I am worried about the safety of my son and I".[/quote]
What about:

"I was contacted on (date) by a woman asking me questions about (name.) She said she was acting on his behalf as he is applying for a British passport. She asked me to make a statement saying (saying what she asked for) and asked me to send her my son's passport.

I first met (name) on (date) and we had a child together (name, date of birth.) Throughout the time I've known XP he has been violent, abusive and has not paid child support or had any kind of contact with my son. There is an injunction against him for domestic violence (give all the details here.)

I am terrified of the consequences of XP discovering I have told you this. I know there will be repercussions. He blames my son and me for things that have gone wrong in his life.

I am happy to make a statement to you, in confidence, about him, if you contact me on (phone) or via this email address."

Any good?

Haven't read the full thread but just came on to say:

Do not make a false statement to the Home Office (or provide one via this adviser); this may be a criminal offence. (Section 25 of the Immigration Act 1971).

Be careful or you may find yourself in a whole heap of trouble. Not least because this thread is public and visible.

Surely you need to call the police at this point? If there is a restraining order based on DV, this will usually prevent someone contacting you on his behalf. He has quite possibly committed a criminal offence by giving this woman your contact details.

You need to check the order.

Also, as @tinkiiev says, lying in a statement to the Home Office could get you in serious trouble.

Consider a future where your ex stays and makes life hell for you by wanting more contact with your son.

My sister's ex wanted nothing to do with their daughter, refused to even accept he was her father, and never paid a penny towards her. Odd behaviour for a man who continued to sponge off my sister while ignoring his daughter until he'd 'had enough' one day and walked out (we had hoped for good) after beating her so badly he broke her jaw. In front of her daughter. She was nearly 5 and remembers it vividly to this day.

When she was 9 he crawled back out of the woodwork wanting access. It ended in court when my niece was 10 where she stated to anyone and everyone who'd listen that she was scared of him and never wanted to see him again.

We thought he'd win but with all the evidence including my niece's basic but heartfelt diary, he was refused access.

I've not read the whole thread but take this chance to tell the truth. Contact immigration, and definitely not someone working for him.

Your friends are right. This man has hopefully had his last chance at making life miserable for you. Don't leave the door open for him to come back and make life miserable but for you both next time.

@namechangesorrrry You weren't wrong. He is abusive to you (DS's mum) and not a good dad to DS. He would probably end up hurting DS psychologically.

You don't owe your abuser anything.

They will not go into reading your victim statement, as they would not see that they have any need to, they'll just look at the outcome/conviction and not think they need any more details on that- he was found guilty.

If you do write anything then you could say that if they need further details they can refer to your victim statement (unlikely they'll bother to look) or summarize the details.

But any PP's who're saying you should contact the police are probably giving a good suggestion- you shouldn't be having to worry about this whole thing at all and it's cheeky of those people to contact you, though I guess they were just doing their job and in the unfortunate position that their job sometimes involves trying to help dickheads and abusers.

I feel like crying. My statement would be the trigger that won't get him stay in the country. It would jeopardise any future relationship that DS may have with his father.

it would jeopardise any future relationship that DS may have with his father
And that would be a good thing, why would you want your son to have any contact with this evil and abusive man?

@namechangesorrrry
OP you mentioned an injunction, if it's a restraining order, non mol etc does it prevent indirect contact? If it does he's in breach of it and you need to report it to the police. You could also contact his probation officer to say he is trying to contact you via this charity worker, you have no interest in making a supportive statement as he is abusive and violent.
Out of interest did his sentence include BBRP the perpetrator programme? If it did you are entitled to contact from a partner link worker who can support you, she will absolutely not share anything with him.

@namechangesorrrry

I feel like crying. My statement would be the trigger that won't get him stay in the country. It would jeopardise any future relationship that DS may have with his father.

You have a duty of care to your son. His father is a convicted violent offender. You are right to protect him and put him first.

You know that this man isn't going to suddenly become a good person in the future, the only relationship he could ever have with your son is one where he manipulates him and uses him - like he's already trying to do.

The further away he is physically, the better. You are not preventing him from having a relationship with a good father. You are simply not facilitating him having a relationship with a violent, selfish father who has never attempted to have a safe, constructive and consistent relationship with your son.

Stop focusing on feeling bad and focus on what's best for your son, you should feel no guilt

He's an abuser. Why would you even want him around your son? He's never going to magically become a good dad. He only cares about himself. He should be deported.

@namechangesorrrry

I feel like crying. My statement would be the trigger that won't get him stay in the country. It would jeopardise any future relationship that DS may have with his father.

So do nothing.

Posters here are pushing you into something that it seems that you're uncomfortable with. And they're not the ones who'll live with the consequences.

You're right not to help him with this, but it's fine if you just want to refuse to engage with any of these people. You don't have to contact the police, or immigration, or the Home Office. You can just refuse to help his legal representative or provide any documents. Keep it passive rather than proactive if that's what you're more comfortable with. Just refuse to engage. That in itself may well be enough.

And yes, each time you're contacted, make a note with the date and time, the person's full name, and the organisation or service that they work for. Keep notes on it all.

Posters here are pushing you into something that it seems that you're uncomfortable with. And they're not the ones who'll live with the consequences.

You're right not to help him with this, but it's fine if you just want to refuse to engage with any of these people. You don't have to contact the police, or immigration, or the Home Office. You can just refuse to help his legal representative or provide any documents. Keep it passive rather than proactive if that's what you're more comfortable with. Just refuse to engage. That in itself may well be enough.

Absolutely this OP.

Your options are:

1. Don't give a statement
2. Give a factual statement
3. Give a false statement (not an actual option, obviously - just noting it as one your mum suggested which is frankly obscene)

You don't have to give a statement.

You don't have to engage with this process he's having help with.

Do nothing, don't feel bad and continue focusing on yourself and your son

How did this organisation even get your number OP? Absolutely do not engage with them any further. Hang up immediately if they call again. Even better, change your number. Report this to whoever is handling your restraining order as well. It’s still contact, even indirect, as he must have told them to contact you.

Why are you still in contact with his mother? Does she add anything to your son’s life? Is she defending her son, who is a violent abuser?

Why are you still in contact with your own mother after she told you to help him, more up the point? I could not envisage saying that to my own DD in your situation. She’s a bloody disgrace and it’s no wonder you have such a guilty conscience over something you should have no guilt for at all. You are the victim here! You were probably conditioned as a child to be ‘people pleaser’.

Please look into a counsellor if you haven’t already done so. You are in desperate need of some self esteem. Your son does not need this man in his life at all. He is using his own son for his own ends and will only fuck him up even more. People like this don’t change.

In your position I’d take this opportunity to do everything I could to get rid of this guy by contacting immigration myself and giving a statement as PP have suggested detailing that it must not be shared for your safety. Does he know where you live? Could you move if he does?

You son can decide if he wants contact with him as an adult when he is old enough to know the full facts.

Your mum is very very wrong. You need to stop taking responsibility for his relationship with your son. You’ve bent over backwards for him. Your son can wait till he’s an adult and visit him in his home country, and he will grow to adulthood knowing he never again will have to see his mother violently attacked to the point of brain damage risk, by his father, because he was rightfully deported. You can protect him from that.
If you write a letter, make it directly to the home office and accurate about what a terrible dad and violent man he is. I would do this. Perhaps start another thread asking if he would see such a letter if you asked on it that he not?

I'd write a statement stating he was a violent thug and a useless father with all the trimmings.

How did this organisation even get your number OP? Absolutely do not engage with them any further. Hang up immediately if they call again. Even better, change your number

There is no need for any of this. Just hanging up won't help.

These charities are reputable. They are trying to do their best to help what appear to be vulnerable clients, and they are absolutely not about harassing people.

This is why I offered to help OP if she PMs me the organisation. A simple email explaining that she refuses to be involved with him and that there is a restraining order, will stop this. It might even be that what OP said on the phone will mean they'll write off that option.

These people are not the bad guys. Not the Home Office, nor the Immigration service. When you work for an organisation like this, there's always the chance that the person you are helping isn't quite who they're presenting to you. I've been there myself with the organisation I work for. Fortunately, the vast majority are worth every minute of my time. But no way would I put anyone at risk or in a difficult position if they told me what OP told this woman.