Am I evil? AIBU to not help him?

[namechangesorrrry]

NC sorry.

I have a 13 year old DS.

DS dad and I were teenage parents. During our early teens and early 20's he was abusive in every single way. During my relationship with him, he had immigration problems and I would help him out as much as I can. Anything he needed, I will help him. When he didn't have a job (because of immigration) I will give him money and let him stay with him rent free. He is on a temporary visa (?) and will be applying for a British passport this year.

When he did use to work, he would refuse to give me money for DS. He will make excuses that he has a lot of bills to pay, his in debt, blah blah. I got sick of it and applied to child maintenance where they were giving me £300.00 a month. DS dad came to my house unannounced one day and told me that as child maintained are taking his money through direct pay, he is actually paying more than £300.00. He threatened I should stop CM or else. He promised that he will pay CM directly. But he never did as you guessed.

Throughout our 10 years together. He would see DS intermittently. We were lucky if we saw him once every month. At most, DS wouldn't see his dad for 6 months at the time.

Anywhoo, two years ago, DS dad realised his wrong doings and said that he would like to build a relationship with his son. Therefore, for a good two months, he was perfect, providing for DS, taking him out, helping me pick him up from school Ona. Regular basis. However, his dad soon began to get comfortable and the last time we saw him was when he assaulted me in my house. This was two years ago. It went to court this year and he got served with probation:

Last week I received a call from an immigration officer or advisor telling me that am I willing to write a statement on DS's dad behalf and how he has been as a father, and DS's passport as he will be applying for a British passport this year and Home Office have asked information from me.

I told the officer no. That he is using my son and no that I will not allow it. The immigration advisor then asked me what was the contact like between our son and the dad, as he said that he hadn't seen DS due to the lockdown . I told the officer that he hasn't seen DS for two years, mainly due to the injunction and incident but that I have instructed the court that he can have contact with DS, but it has to be supervised and that he would need to be the one to initiate it.

The immigration officer asked me again that if I was willing to provide a statement and I said "no", that I will not allow him to use his son. That he has not made any type of effort to be a father to his son. The immigration officer sounded very unhappy and quickly hanged up the phone.

Looking back, I think it was a bit harsh. It is his dad after all and it wouldn't be nice if he was sent back to his home country. My friends tell me that I would be stupid if I supported him. But what do you think?

If this is through his legal rep there's no point writing about the convictions or him being a generally bad person, as they can choose not to submit it.

For what it's worth, police checks are run during immigration applications and any previous arrests, convictions warnings etc will be flagged up. If applying under the immigration rules these are taken into account under suitability.

She is definitely on his side! She even asked me if I was willing to write how he was as a father two years ago?!

I know it's true as DS's mother, who I still speak to regularly, asked that her son (DS dad) has asked her to ask me if I was willing to write a statement on his behalf as immigration would like details from me.

Hmm I wonder why he suddenly became interested in your son? Why would you lie for someone who abused you. You did the right thing

Even if I write no letter. Is it his word that they will rely upon. What about my victim support statement which I wrote to the court when he was convicted. Would immigration receive a copy of that if they run through their checks?

I just thought he was from the EU given he's only trying now to get citizenship.

So I've looked online and this is a UK government document outlining the "good character requirement" for immigration. I think if you read this you'll find he loses out on every count.

I wonder whether it's possible to fake that good character reference from you. I'd have something in writing at the Immigration offices just in case.

I think you have to be proactive here, OP. I wouldn't rely on them seeing things - I would send copies of things to the govt offices, though.

@Howshouldibehave

But she wanted to give me to give her my sons passport

The immigration officer wanted you to give her your sons passport?! Why?

This all sounds very dodgy indeed!! Be very careful here op

I know it's true as DS's mother, who I still speak to regularly, asked that her son (DS dad) has asked her to ask me if I was willing to write a statement on his behalf as immigration would like details from me

Aren’t you DS’s mother? Or do you mean your ex’s mother? Does she have a British passport? When you and your ex were together as teens, were you both living here?

I do not think you were speaking to an immigration officer. They wouldn’t be unhappy because you didn’t cooperate, I think you were contacted by an immigration lawyer preparing his case. Don’t hand anything over.

Can I just write to the immigration and say "That I wish not to make statement on my ex's behalf. That he has not had contact with his son for over two years"... and leave it at that? I just don't want to say something and for it to be on my conscience. Not only that! I'm scared he would do something to me.

@Howshouldibehave

I know it's true as DS's mother, who I still speak to regularly, asked that her son (DS dad) has asked her to ask me if I was willing to write a statement on his behalf as immigration would like details from me

Aren’t you DS’s mother? Or do you mean your ex’s mother? Does she have a British passport? When you and your ex were together as teens, were you both living here?

Sorry! My ex's mother. She lives in the West Indies. She calls me from over there.

I've spoken to my mother and she said I should a write good character reference on his behalf. She reckons that one day the dad will want to make contact with his son, and it will good for him to see what he is missing out on as he cannot do that from the West Indies.

You should write a truthful statement, I get what you’re saying about not having it on your conscience, but if you don’t tell the truth he may be awarded citizenship based on someone else’s untruthful or misleading character statement. He made the choice to be an abusive shit father, he should live with the consequences of that not be shielded from them.

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

If he wants you to make a statement I'd make one alright. Declaring what a violent, abusive arsehole and a shit dad he is.

What she said 👆🏻

You've been asked to make a statement that is part of a legal process.

You can either refuse or you can give an honest statement.

Your mums suggestion that you give a statement making him out to be a better dad than he is, is ridiculous. And frankly concerning as it's not in you or your son's best interests.

Giving a good character reference to someone who has not shown themselves to be of good character, has repeatedly let down their child and has assaulted you would be madness. I would be livid with my mum in your position, that she suggested I bypass all of that and give what would essentially be a false reference.

As I say, your options are to refuse to provide a reference or to provide a factual and honest one. I would do the latter but it's your choice completely.

I would have given him a statement.

That he's a shit father who didn't want to pay CM, that he was abusive to you, that he's made fuck all effort to support his child, and I'd recommend that he is not given residency. And I'd ask for a copy of my statement.

So if he’s currently on a temporary work visa, the next step would be to apply for indefinite leave to remain. Then one year wait, then apply for citizenship. Then apply for British Passport. These have skills and income requirements that have to be met. Presuming that your ex doesn’t meet these requirements.

There are two routes for those who don’t meet the income requirements. It’s a ten year route (10yrs of back to back 30 month visas). The first is as a person with a British partner. Which he no longer qualifies for. The second is as the parent of a British child who is under 16.

I think he is going down the parent route to apply for ILR and that is why the charity lady wanted the details from your sons passport. It doesn’t matter whether you give them or not, she/he can still get a copy of his birth certificate and submit that instead.

The Home Office does do criminal checks, but has he actually been convicted? Served a custodial sentence? If not, if it was just a old an restraining order type injunction that he’s obeyed and that’s all he has for past ten years, his chances are good. I don’t think they would necessarily read your victim statement.

You have a tough decision. I would honestly write a statement stating that he is not acting in any parental capacity towards his son and the CMS issues you have had.......but directly to the Home Office, not via whoever is working with your ex. If he’s not being a parent to a British child, he has no claim on indefinite leave to remain, then citizenship, then a passport.

This would NOT cause him to be deported. He would simply be refused ILR and told to keep applying for 30 month visas on repeat. So you don’t need to worry about your conscience, he will be no worse off than he is now if you simply tell them the truth. If you choose not to do this, you do risk him using your son to continue towards British citizenship and then he can’t be deported unless he does a very violent/bad crime like join ISIS or become a serial killer. In which case he’d serve prison time until stripped of British citizenship and then deported back to the West Indies.

Sounds like someone he's hired for writing a positive application rather than a government body.

OP Immigration want to know what sort of character your ex has and whether it is in the interests of all the parties concerned that he be granted UK citizenship. Your ex is saying he deserves to stay in the UK because of his right to a family life but he has chosen not to be part of the family he created with you.
Properly you should make the facts available to Immigration and let that Dept make the decision on those facts. Simply state that he is your DS’s father, that you separated on such and such a date and he did not provide maintenance. That he saw his son intermittently with periods of up to 6 months when he did not contact his son. That you got an order 2 years ago after he assaulted you that has prevented him visiting his son and that to date he has failed to set up a contact arrangement.
None of this is vengeful, just the truth.
It will not stop your DS having contact with his father in the future

I would give him no help at all. And if also contact cms and start that up again.

@namechangesorrrry

I've spoken to my mother and she said I should a write good character reference on his behalf. She reckons that one day the dad will want to make contact with his son, and it will good for him to see what he is missing out on as he cannot do that from the West Indies.

Your mother must be a saint. One of the very naive and clueless ones that stumble into martyrdom to advise you to do this wildly irresponsible thing.

The dad can easily contact his son from the West Indies and your son can even go visit him once an adult, if he wants to. There is FaceTime, zoom, everything. Besides, as I said, not supporting an immigrant for citizenship does NOT mean the will be deported. They just have to keep renewing visas.

You do not want a man who is violent to women being your son's role model. Please be truthful, provide court evidence and let the authorities do what they do

Thank you @PlanDeRaccordement.

He was convicted in February this year. He is on an 18 month probation and has an injunction which was put in place this year.
I'm worried that if I say anything negative about him, that this would compromise my safety and he would retaliate. He resents DS and I and reckon we are the reason he is experiencing misfortunes in his life. For me to write a statement saying how bad he is, would just be basically putting a gun to my head.

@namechangesorrrry

I've spoken to my mother and she said I should a write good character reference on his behalf. She reckons that one day the dad will want to make contact with his son, and it will good for him to see what he is missing out on as he cannot do that from the West Indies.

OP, I'm sorry you had to go through this.

He isn't a good dad and he abused you. He doesn't deserve contact with his son. There are 100 arguments why you shouldn't help him, but the bottom line is that it's an offence to give an untruthful statement.

You need to protect yourself from harm. You need to protect your child. It's not your responsibility to fix your ex's relationship with his son. Since what he's trying to do is dishonest, you must realise he hasn't changed? Your response to the immigration officer was 100% appropriate and right. Don't hold back.

I would also hope his conviction would be enough to refuse him a citizenship.