Am I evil? AIBU to not help him?

[namechangesorrrry]

NC sorry.

I have a 13 year old DS.

DS dad and I were teenage parents. During our early teens and early 20's he was abusive in every single way. During my relationship with him, he had immigration problems and I would help him out as much as I can. Anything he needed, I will help him. When he didn't have a job (because of immigration) I will give him money and let him stay with him rent free. He is on a temporary visa (?) and will be applying for a British passport this year.

When he did use to work, he would refuse to give me money for DS. He will make excuses that he has a lot of bills to pay, his in debt, blah blah. I got sick of it and applied to child maintenance where they were giving me £300.00 a month. DS dad came to my house unannounced one day and told me that as child maintained are taking his money through direct pay, he is actually paying more than £300.00. He threatened I should stop CM or else. He promised that he will pay CM directly. But he never did as you guessed.

Throughout our 10 years together. He would see DS intermittently. We were lucky if we saw him once every month. At most, DS wouldn't see his dad for 6 months at the time.

Anywhoo, two years ago, DS dad realised his wrong doings and said that he would like to build a relationship with his son. Therefore, for a good two months, he was perfect, providing for DS, taking him out, helping me pick him up from school Ona. Regular basis. However, his dad soon began to get comfortable and the last time we saw him was when he assaulted me in my house. This was two years ago. It went to court this year and he got served with probation:

Last week I received a call from an immigration officer or advisor telling me that am I willing to write a statement on DS's dad behalf and how he has been as a father, and DS's passport as he will be applying for a British passport this year and Home Office have asked information from me.

I told the officer no. That he is using my son and no that I will not allow it. The immigration advisor then asked me what was the contact like between our son and the dad, as he said that he hadn't seen DS due to the lockdown . I told the officer that he hasn't seen DS for two years, mainly due to the injunction and incident but that I have instructed the court that he can have contact with DS, but it has to be supervised and that he would need to be the one to initiate it.

The immigration officer asked me again that if I was willing to provide a statement and I said "no", that I will not allow him to use his son. That he has not made any type of effort to be a father to his son. The immigration officer sounded very unhappy and quickly hanged up the phone.

Looking back, I think it was a bit harsh. It is his dad after all and it wouldn't be nice if he was sent back to his home country. My friends tell me that I would be stupid if I supported him. But what do you think?

@namechangesorrrry

I feel like crying. My statement would be the trigger that won't get him stay in the country. It would jeopardise any future relationship that DS may have with his father.

You shouldn't think that way. He jeopardised his relationship with his son. And now he's trying to use him to stay in the country. Your son doesn't deserve this. You don't have to contact the Home Office if you don't want to. But do not try to help him. You and your son don't owe him anything.

Save your tears and sympathy for the Child he refused to pay for and the child he ignores for years.

I don’t know if it’s appropriate to ask him and it may not be (someone on here will be able to say if it’s a good idea or not) but your son is 13. Ho knows how his father has behaved. Does he even want him in his life? I think that would influence whether I wrote anything.

That is not an Immigration Officer.
She was from a charity trying to help your husband stay in the country - so she is working for him.
He will know from her you have said you don't support his stay in the country.
Perhaps you could inform Immigration of the situation. His treatment of you will work against him being allowed to stay in the country.

Realistically OP he has never been a Father to your son.
His choices may get him deported and have his visa revoked. HIS choices OP.
This isn’t something you should be carrying guilt for.
He made the choice to not be involved in your sons life, he chose not to support his child either financially, physically or emotionally, he chose to be abusive towards you.

Write a letter tell them exactly what he has chosen and feel no guilt.

[quote namechangesorrrry]@Wallywobbles I'm worried that if a write a statement, it would get him deported and I don't that on my conscious, as silly as it sounds. I was thinking of doing birthing or writer a short stamens saying "I wish not to be contacted any further, ex has had no contact for DS for the past two years, due to DV. Prior to this, contact has been intermittent, where he would see DS every 4-6 months. We currently receive no maintenance and never have done. I would please request that this information is kept confidence as I am worried about the safety of my son and I".[/quote]
This sounds perfect - although you do say you used to get CM for a short while before it stopped (or did I misunderstand that)?

Keeping it short, and factual, and stating that you do not want to go on record as you have serious safety concerns due to past violence sounds correct to me. The only thing I’d add would be something like “I was contacted on X date by X charity who are assisting X with their visa status to remain in the UK, seeking a statement in support of X’s position as a father to my child. I am concerned by this as X is under injunction for domestic violence towards me on X date.” And then the rest of your short statement.

Or you can do nothing, and that is equally valid. Please don’t do anything that you feel puts you in danger. And definitely speak to someone - police - about the non mol and this contact from a charity.

Yes, she is not an immigration officer, she is effectively his immigration lawyer / case worker, he is her client, she just wants to win her case.

She is not going to be concerned with how him staying in the country impacts you or DS. So you don't need to help her or ex.

Do not give her a statement, she won't use it. You owe her nothing. Contact the Home Office, they will have a caseworker allocated to his case, and be truthful that he is physically abusive, that you have an injunction against him that he ignores, that he pays no CM.

Why didn't you contact CMS when he stopped paying? Were you scared or was he out of work?

Can I ask if social services are involved with you and your son? If they are and you put out any kind of statement that changes or reduces the abuse you have suffered and is legally recorded they will become more heavily involved. You protected yourself and your child from abuse by having your ex prosecuted. Please don't reverse that and allow anyone to think you are valuing your ex over you and your son's safety.

@namechangesorrrry

I feel like crying. My statement would be the trigger that won't get him stay in the country. It would jeopardise any future relationship that DS may have with his father.

Noone is forcing you to make a statement either way. If formally approached(doubtful) just state facts. This is not your responsibility, his behaviour has shown him for what he is. Have you had any victim support?

You're worried you'll get him deported but at the same time worried about his future relationship with your son?

Why would you want your son to have a relationship with a violent, abusive person? No good can come of that.

Your son has you and that is everything he needs OP.

I feel so sad for you that you’re tying yourself in knots trying to do ‘the right thing’ so he doesn’t get deported and has a relationship with his son. But I don’t see that that is actually the right thing at all! From what you’ve said he’s not going to have a relationship with his son either way, and would be a horrible influence anyway.

These charities are reputable. They are trying to do their best to help what appear to be vulnerable clients, and they are absolutely not about harassing people.

They are not reputable they are trying to manipulate the UK immigration system which is far too soft an flimsy anyway. always playing the victim card and claiming discrimination at every term using expensive lawyers. Don't give him a reference let him get kicked out so the poor British taxpayer doesn't have to find his continued presence. He isn't even funding his own son.

Don't make a statement at all then if your worrying about it. You don't have to. He shouldn't be contacting you anyway. And don't go to your mother to advice again, what she said is ridiculous

@Whoarethewho

These charities are reputable. They are trying to do their best to help what appear to be vulnerable clients, and they are absolutely not about harassing people.

They are not reputable they are trying to manipulate the UK immigration system which is far too soft an flimsy anyway. always playing the victim card and claiming discrimination at every term using expensive lawyers. Don't give him a reference let him get kicked out so the poor British taxpayer doesn't have to find his continued presence. He isn't even funding his own son.

Expensive lawyers? Ha! Most are working pro bono for the charity. And many aren't fully qualified lawyers, but caseworkers on low salaries, simply guiding them through the process of application.

They're providing access to the law. If the person can legally stay here, the immigration charity will help them navigate the channels available to them. If they don't meet the requirements, then the person won't get to stay.

It's not manipulation. They are working with the laws that are in place.

@Whoarethewho

These charities are reputable. They are trying to do their best to help what appear to be vulnerable clients, and they are absolutely not about harassing people.

They are not reputable they are trying to manipulate the UK immigration system which is far too soft an flimsy anyway. always playing the victim card and claiming discrimination at every term using expensive lawyers. Don't give him a reference let him get kicked out so the poor British taxpayer doesn't have to find his continued presence. He isn't even funding his own son.

They are not manipulating the system. They are using a system as it is, one that protect some people and accept that some people should be given support/citizenship/whatever according to what the law says. People who are using the law aren’t manipulating any system.

They are also not ‘highly paid lawyers’. As any charity, the case workers and lawyers involved are paid peanuts to deal with very complex and sometimes harrowing cases.

If you have an issue with the system itself, then vote for whoever is proposing harsher rules.
(And pray no one close to you will ever be caught by those rules - see Windrush, the paperless SS and whatnot)

I'm tempted to write the statement more so that he cannot use my son for his stay. I also fear that I bee the years to come he would continue to make contact with his son, mainly due to the fact he wants stay and that's his ticket. This would deeply effect my son and make him feel used.

I would like to have a relationship with my son as that is his dad. But I want his dad to have a genuine want to be in his sons life not see is as his meal ticket to continue his life in England.

I just want to write along the lines that I do not want my son to be involved in his immigration affairs as there's currently no contact- and he has had no contact for the past two years. Immigration is fully aware of my past domestic violence incidents with his dad. I did not tell them this, they found out and did heavy searching.

I work in the a similar area to this. From what you have said it would seem that your ex has applied for leave to remain in the UK under Article 8 of the Human Rights Act on the grounds of his family life with a British child. The Home Office will have asked for evidence that this family life exists and one way of evidencing it is by obtaining a statement from you.

You can either give a statement detailing the part he does or doesn't play in your child's life or you can choose not to provide a statement. But if you are worried/scared of his reaction to you not agreeing to wrote the statement that he wants then you must contact the police.

Any offences he has committed whilst in the UK will be picked up through the various checks that are run.

I hope this information helps.

@namechangesorrrry

I feel like crying. My statement would be the trigger that won't get him stay in the country. It would jeopardise any future relationship that DS may have with his father.

@namechangesorrrry, once again, this will NOT be your fault.

If he hadn’t hit you and sent you to hospital you would never say that he did that and had a condemnation.
This is HIS fault and responsibility. He must have known at the time how this could put his application an/or visa under threat. But he still did it.
Just like someone who is drunk but still decides to drive and then looses his licence and therefore his job, can’t say it’s the fault of the police officer who stopped him, the fact you are giving a statement stating the truth is NOT making you responsible of the outcome.
If you had gone out of your way to let immigration officials know about his behaviour, the DV etc... THEN you could argue that it is your responsibility. But not in that case....

You can either give a statement detailing the part he does or doesn't play in your child's life or you can choose not to provide a statement. But if you are worried/scared of his reaction to you not agreeing to wrote the statement that he wants then you must contact the police.

YY to that.
Don’t let him manipulate you into writing what he needs and basically give a ‘false statement’ that he is involved in his child’s life when he isn’t.

Don't reply, you are not obliged, this is HIS ADVISOR? Different if home office make enquiries. HE got HIMSELF deported. Yes contact police, he is a danger. If your son wants contact as an adult he may be able to visit then.

I would like to have a relationship with my son as that is his dad. But I want his dad to have a genuine want to be in his sons life not see is as his meal ticket to continue his life in England.

He's violent? And a user? Your son is much better off without him.

OP, you are putting way too much on yourself here. One statement from you to a charity that is helping him with an immigration application will not drive the decision on what happens to him. If it was that simple, one statement from a friend would be getting everyone immigration status! If and when you are contacted by the actual official channels then it's time to write statements/share concerns etc. However there is something urgent you should be worrying about that you're not, which is that he got a representative of his to contact you and ask for your son's passport details. I think you need to report this to the police, explain that it has put you in this very difficult position where you are now afraid of retaliation and escalation. Where he ends up is going to be as a result of his actions only.

@WithFlamingLocksOfAuburnHair

OP, you are putting way too much on yourself here. One statement from you to a charity that is helping him with an immigration application will not drive the decision on what happens to him. If it was that simple, one statement from a friend would be getting everyone immigration status! If and when you are contacted by the actual official channels then it's time to write statements/share concerns etc. However there is something urgent you should be worrying about that you're not, which is that he got a representative of his to contact you and ask for your son's passport details. I think you need to report this to the police, explain that it has put you in this very difficult position where you are now afraid of retaliation and escalation. Where he ends up is going to be as a result of his actions only.

Spot on

Don't tell lies to help him fraudulently stay. That has legal implications for you, surely?

I would like to have a relationship with my son as that is his dad. But I want his dad to have a genuine want to be in his sons life not see is as his meal ticket to continue his life in England.

Surely if you ex wanted this he would have had regular contact since you split up?

You are expecting a violent abusive man to suddenly change & be a better man. Spoiler alert, he won't.

If he is deported it IS NOT YOUR FAULT it is his.