Am I evil? AIBU to not help him?

[namechangesorrrry]

NC sorry.

I have a 13 year old DS.

DS dad and I were teenage parents. During our early teens and early 20's he was abusive in every single way. During my relationship with him, he had immigration problems and I would help him out as much as I can. Anything he needed, I will help him. When he didn't have a job (because of immigration) I will give him money and let him stay with him rent free. He is on a temporary visa (?) and will be applying for a British passport this year.

When he did use to work, he would refuse to give me money for DS. He will make excuses that he has a lot of bills to pay, his in debt, blah blah. I got sick of it and applied to child maintenance where they were giving me £300.00 a month. DS dad came to my house unannounced one day and told me that as child maintained are taking his money through direct pay, he is actually paying more than £300.00. He threatened I should stop CM or else. He promised that he will pay CM directly. But he never did as you guessed.

Throughout our 10 years together. He would see DS intermittently. We were lucky if we saw him once every month. At most, DS wouldn't see his dad for 6 months at the time.

Anywhoo, two years ago, DS dad realised his wrong doings and said that he would like to build a relationship with his son. Therefore, for a good two months, he was perfect, providing for DS, taking him out, helping me pick him up from school Ona. Regular basis. However, his dad soon began to get comfortable and the last time we saw him was when he assaulted me in my house. This was two years ago. It went to court this year and he got served with probation:

Last week I received a call from an immigration officer or advisor telling me that am I willing to write a statement on DS's dad behalf and how he has been as a father, and DS's passport as he will be applying for a British passport this year and Home Office have asked information from me.

I told the officer no. That he is using my son and no that I will not allow it. The immigration advisor then asked me what was the contact like between our son and the dad, as he said that he hadn't seen DS due to the lockdown . I told the officer that he hasn't seen DS for two years, mainly due to the injunction and incident but that I have instructed the court that he can have contact with DS, but it has to be supervised and that he would need to be the one to initiate it.

The immigration officer asked me again that if I was willing to provide a statement and I said "no", that I will not allow him to use his son. That he has not made any type of effort to be a father to his son. The immigration officer sounded very unhappy and quickly hanged up the phone.

Looking back, I think it was a bit harsh. It is his dad after all and it wouldn't be nice if he was sent back to his home country. My friends tell me that I would be stupid if I supported him. But what do you think?

Can I ask OP ...

did you provide any information in your Sons passport details ? 🌸

@namechangesorrrry

I'm tempted to write the statement more so that he cannot use my son for his stay. I also fear that I bee the years to come he would continue to make contact with his son, mainly due to the fact he wants stay and that's his ticket. This would deeply effect my son and make him feel used.

I would like to have a relationship with my son as that is his dad. But I want his dad to have a genuine want to be in his sons life not see is as his meal ticket to continue his life in England.

I just want to write along the lines that I do not want my son to be involved in his immigration affairs as there's currently no contact- and he has had no contact for the past two years. Immigration is fully aware of my past domestic violence incidents with his dad. I did not tell them this, they found out and did heavy searching.

The problem is if you give this statement to his caseworker you lose all control over it.

The caseworker could tell the judge you have written a statement of support.

When you say immigration is fully aware, who is that?

@Freckles1978

I work in the a similar area to this. From what you have said it would seem that your ex has applied for leave to remain in the UK under Article 8 of the Human Rights Act on the grounds of his family life with a British child. The Home Office will have asked for evidence that this family life exists and one way of evidencing it is by obtaining a statement from you.

You can either give a statement detailing the part he does or doesn't play in your child's life or you can choose not to provide a statement. But if you are worried/scared of his reaction to you not agreeing to wrote the statement that he wants then you must contact the police.

Any offences he has committed whilst in the UK will be picked up through the various checks that are run.

I hope this information helps.

I really think you should contact the police to report your fear of him and that you are being hassled by him.

He is a very bad man.
What would have happened to your son if your injuries had left you incapacitated?

Your mother is a moron in her thinking.

Your son does not need a man like this in his life EVER.

You sound like a great mother doing her very best to raise her son safely.

The Home Office would look at all the evidence when considering his case. They would expect to see evidence of the family life that he is claiming exists not just a statement from you. Any statement would be looked at in conjunction with other evidence submitted.

The Home Office would not contact the other parent directly, this would be done through the applicant or applicant's representative as the caseworker will have no idea of the circumstances of his relationship with you or your child.

You cannot lie and say that he has a relationship with his son when he doesn't. He will more than likely hold this over you when the time comes for him to renew his leave to remain as he will initially be granted 30 months.

Please consider speaking to the police about this and your concerns for your safety especially because of the injunction that you have in place due to his previous treatment of you.

I've written the letter and posted it. I keep it very factual. I simpler stated that they have no relationship, that he hasn't seen DS for x amount of years, that we don't receive child support and to keep the information confidential due to safety risks surrounding DV.

It was hard for me to do this and don't know if I did the right thing or have jeopardise the relationship between DS and ex.

But enough is enough. The reason why I kept on getting abused was because I kept on facilitating the contact between DS and his son. I was begging him to have a relationship with his son, despite the fact I knew of his temperament towards me. He would only entertain being involved in DS life if it was of benefit to him (immigration support, money) Writing this letter was to put an end to this and not to give him any reason to use DS in future years. If he wants to have a relationship with DS, it has to come from the heart and he has to make the effort. No more will I continue to put ex first.

@namechangesorrrry

You have done the right thing for your own sake and your sons.

Well done 🌸

I’d be very sure of who is calling you!

Applying for citizenship is an entirely different process altogether. They only contact references the applicant provides. And references have to be people in certain professions! It’s very unusual and weird to contact ex-partner/wife.

@namechangesorrrry, well done!

You told the truth. What more can anyone ask you?

Do not engage with this woman. Any information given, may be twisted to support him. If you want to make a statement, do so directly to Immigration - seek support in doing this, eg. Citizens Advice or a Women's Aid type organisation. You need to know you are definately dealing with Immigration. Apologies if that sounds condescending - I want you to be protected because you sound very vulnerable. Your mother has given you terrible advice - please ignore it. Have you had support from a domestic violence service? You need advice on how to keep you and your son safe. You are afraid of this man for good reasons. Don't be afraid to let people know that, and why. I would ensure your son's school for instance fully aware.

@Looubylou

Thank you. I am worried about my safety, now since the letter and wish to move out. Who can I seek advice from regarding this?

I not spare them the entire truth. Why the fuck would you help him, he's a cunt.

OP, why did you write the letter, when do many pp advised you not to? Is there more to your story?

*so

Women's Aid. You can online chat and there's loads of resourcing about housing etc. Take care and stay safe

@PanamaPattie

OP, why did you write the letter, when do many pp advised you not to? Is there more to your story?

I didn't write the letter in support of his application. If that's what you meant. I wrote the letter just stating the relationship between DS and his dad. You think I should not have done this?

What I meant was - why did you respond at all?

@PanamaPattie

What I meant was - why did you respond at all?

I responded because I did not want him to have the opportunity to use DS again when he renews his visa.

I did not want to give ex an excuse to come back into our lives. As he only makes contacts when he wants something.

DS has ex last surname, different to mine, so that when we travel we are safe guarded and officials know that I'm his mother and that he doesn't Thame a relationship with his dad.

I don't want immigration to contact me again.

Those were my reasons

The person who contacted you almost definitely wasn’t immigration - she would have been working for your ex and will tell him exactly what you have said.

She will not pass what you have said on to immigration as it doesn’t help her client so you have done nothing to prevent immigration contacting you in the future or to affect your ex’s application and you have directly informed your ex you don’t want him to get leave to remain, thereby quite possibly putting yourself and your son at risk. Whatever you do next, you need to bear those facts in mind.

@Talia99

Thank you. I didn't tell the immigration advisor (who is working with the ex) that I didn't want him to get leave to remain. I told her that I was not willing to write a statement stating that he has been a good dad and not to use my son for his immigration.