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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I evil? AIBU to not help him?

194 replies

namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 18:03

NC sorry.

I have a 13 year old DS.

DS dad and I were teenage parents. During our early teens and early 20's he was abusive in every single way. During my relationship with him, he had immigration problems and I would help him out as much as I can. Anything he needed, I will help him. When he didn't have a job (because of immigration) I will give him money and let him stay with him rent free. He is on a temporary visa (?) and will be applying for a British passport this year.

When he did use to work, he would refuse to give me money for DS. He will make excuses that he has a lot of bills to pay, his in debt, blah blah. I got sick of it and applied to child maintenance where they were giving me £300.00 a month. DS dad came to my house unannounced one day and told me that as child maintained are taking his money through direct pay, he is actually paying more than £300.00. He threatened I should stop CM or else. He promised that he will pay CM directly. But he never did as you guessed.

Throughout our 10 years together. He would see DS intermittently. We were lucky if we saw him once every month. At most, DS wouldn't see his dad for 6 months at the time.

Anywhoo, two years ago, DS dad realised his wrong doings and said that he would like to build a relationship with his son. Therefore, for a good two months, he was perfect, providing for DS, taking him out, helping me pick him up from school Ona. Regular basis. However, his dad soon began to get comfortable and the last time we saw him was when he assaulted me in my house. This was two years ago. It went to court this year and he got served with probation:

Last week I received a call from an immigration officer or advisor telling me that am I willing to write a statement on DS's dad behalf and how he has been as a father, and DS's passport as he will be applying for a British passport this year and Home Office have asked information from me.

I told the officer no. That he is using my son and no that I will not allow it. The immigration advisor then asked me what was the contact like between our son and the dad, as he said that he hadn't seen DS due to the lockdown Hmm. I told the officer that he hasn't seen DS for two years, mainly due to the injunction and incident but that I have instructed the court that he can have contact with DS, but it has to be supervised and that he would need to be the one to initiate it.

The immigration officer asked me again that if I was willing to provide a statement and I said "no", that I will not allow him to use his son. That he has not made any type of effort to be a father to his son. The immigration officer sounded very unhappy and quickly hanged up the phone.

Looking back, I think it was a bit harsh. It is his dad after all and it wouldn't be nice if he was sent back to his home country. My friends tell me that I would be stupid if I supported him. But what do you think?

OP posts:
wickedwitchofthedance · 25/05/2021 19:27

You did the right thing. I wouldn't of helped him either after everything he's done to you and your son. Your son is better off without that type of man in his life.

Gubanc · 25/05/2021 19:28

OP, you can't give a 'good character' reference about this person. He'll have to declare his convictions when he makes an application. His legal representative (NOT immigration officer) knows about this and is trying to convince you to provide false information, from the sound of it. This could backfire on you as well...
He doesn't deserve your support. I bet he made contact again just to grt you to help with his paperwork sorted.

user145678945648945645789456 · 25/05/2021 19:29

@namechangesorrrry

I've spoken to my mother and she said I should a write good character reference on his behalf. She reckons that one day the dad will want to make contact with his son, and it will good for him to see what he is missing out on as he cannot do that from the West Indies.
the last time we saw him was when he assaulted me in my house

What's he missing out on?

Is your mother seriously recommending to you that you lie to the Home Office? In writing and signed as a truthful statement? What terrible advice.

Also, do you normally discuss confidential matters with any random person who phones you up out of the blue?

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/05/2021 19:29

My advice would be not to respond to anything that happens on the phone, or to emails. You have no idea who is actually on the other end. If they're that desperate to contact you they'll do it by letter.

And if they keep hassling you, tell them that they have to write to you (don't tell them you'll consider it, just that they have to write to you). And even if they do, look closely at the letterheaded paper, the envelope and the postmark .

HollowTalk · 25/05/2021 19:31

@namechangesorrrry

Thank you *@PlanDeRaccordement*.

He was convicted in February this year. He is on an 18 month probation and has an injunction which was put in place this year.
I'm worried that if I say anything negative about him, that this would compromise my safety and he would retaliate. He resents DS and I and reckon we are the reason he is experiencing misfortunes in his life. For me to write a statement saying how bad he is, would just be basically putting a gun to my head.

Given he rarely sees his son and doesn't pay any child maintenance, how exactly are you two ruining his life?

I'm not sure he'd see anything you wrote about him, unless you chose to write something for that woman he's paying to do the job.

HollowTalk · 25/05/2021 19:32

@namechangesorrrry

I've spoken to my mother and she said I should a write good character reference on his behalf. She reckons that one day the dad will want to make contact with his son, and it will good for him to see what he is missing out on as he cannot do that from the West Indies.
Has your mum put up with abusive relationships in her own life?

I wouldn't mind betting that the day your ex wants something to do with his son will be the day his son has some money or a place for his dad to stay.

Original poster
namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 19:33

I have always been a people pleaser and have out people first in all areas of my life. My doubts are the reason for this and my guilt in damaging the relationship between my son and his dad. If I write a statement, he will blame me. His one of those people that do not take responsibility of his actions, someone else is always the blame.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 19:34

@Feedingthebirds1

My advice would be not to respond to anything that happens on the phone, or to emails. You have no idea who is actually on the other end. If they're that desperate to contact you they'll do it by letter.

And if they keep hassling you, tell them that they have to write to you (don't tell them you'll consider it, just that they have to write to you). And even if they do, look closely at the letterheaded paper, the envelope and the postmark .

Your right. Thank you. I didn't say too much, just that he has had no contact for the past two years and in no way was I going to send them information about my son.
OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 25/05/2021 19:35

Your mother is being ridiculous. Ignore her advice. Do not give details of your son's passport to anyone. If you are contacted by anyone again tell them you are currently busy, ask for their name and tell them you will call them back. Get a landline number if possible so you can google it to see who it really is calling. Unless it's actually immigration you should not engage with them. You have no obligation to assist his application. Your son can decide when he's older if he wants a relationship but as of now it's up to you to protect him from his abusive, useless father.

Original poster
namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 19:35

"I'm not sure he'd see anything you wrote about him"

Really? I was sure he would know about it or whoever is acting on his behalf.

OP posts:
Hagqueen · 25/05/2021 19:35

I think a lot of posters are getting mixed up between the Immigration charity support her ex, and Immigration aka Home Office.

OP, there’s no point you giving a bad statement, they will only use what helps his case. The silence will be glaring to the Home Office workers dealing with his case.

I think you were right to refuse altogether. With his convictions anyway, he is likely to be facing a losing battle (whatever people’s thoughts on immigration/deportation!).

Mamamia344 · 25/05/2021 19:36

I'm in a similar situation with the father of my children in terms of abuse and how often he sees his children and cm - but he's from Greece and currently has the right to stay here. He also hasn't seen his children because of lockdown - even though nobody was stopping him from visiting, just another excuse to not bother. I have supported him a lot in the past, as you have with your ex and I am at the point now where I would welcome him being sent back to Greece. You'd probably be doing you and your son a favour by just being honest with them about the abuse and lack of support in a statement and hopefully he will be sent back to his home country.

PlanDeRaccordement · 25/05/2021 19:39

@namechangesorrrry

Thank you *@PlanDeRaccordement*.

He was convicted in February this year. He is on an 18 month probation and has an injunction which was put in place this year.
I'm worried that if I say anything negative about him, that this would compromise my safety and he would retaliate. He resents DS and I and reckon we are the reason he is experiencing misfortunes in his life. For me to write a statement saying how bad he is, would just be basically putting a gun to my head.

If it’s a statement he never sees, which it would be if as I suggested you contact the Home Office directly. Then would it still put you in danger?

I’m worried for you OP, is he threatening you in order to get a good statement? That’s a crime.

Original poster
namechangesorrrry · 25/05/2021 19:43

If I write to Home Office. What should I say? I do not want to say too much that it may backfire towards me.

OP posts:
millymoo1202 · 25/05/2021 19:45

Even if you support his application you won’t see him for dust once he’s got British status, tell them the truth please

LIZS · 25/05/2021 19:46

I think you have acted correctly and your instincts are right. He had 10 years to make good, knowing it would count in his favour and chose not to , instead leaving it to last minute and expecting you to lie. I doubt it was Home Office who contacted you asking for the passport but some advocate on your ex behalf. Has he already overstayed and is due for deportation?

LittleMimi · 25/05/2021 19:51

Don’t bother sending anything to his immigration advisor as they’re only interested in statements which help him. They’re just there to help him. I’m not sure if it’s worth writing on your own to immigration services at the home office. Although I don’t know how that works and if they do anything with statements they receive since its not attached to any application.

If I was you I’d just tell the advisor that you’re not interested in helping him and ignore their calls. Your mother has terrible advice. Whatever you do, don’t lie and make him seem a great person.

LittleMimi · 25/05/2021 19:52

I also meant to add that you’re not being unreasonable in your response.

MzHz · 25/05/2021 19:54

@namechangesorrrry

I've spoken to my mother and she said I should a write good character reference on his behalf. She reckons that one day the dad will want to make contact with his son, and it will good for him to see what he is missing out on as he cannot do that from the West Indies.
Your mother is an idiot

No surprises that you ended up in an abusive relationship if this is how she treats you.

You’ve been conditioned by your upbringing to accept abuse.

whosappleman · 25/05/2021 19:56

Others have already said it - this wasn't an immigration officer who called!

saraclara · 25/05/2021 19:58

@namechangesorrrry

If I write to Home Office. What should I say? I do not want to say too much that it may backfire towards me.
It's not the Home Office that's contacted you. It's a lawyer or case worker from a charity. You don't need to do anything.

I work with some of these groups, and of course they do very good work for many wonderful, deserving and vulnerable people. But of course not everyone they try to help is worthy of it.

If this woman was unaware of his background, she's in a difficult position. In her role she's not allowed to make judgements (like any defence lawyer) and treat him differently in any way. You making a negative statement will make no difference. She simply won't use it in her paperwork. Simply refusing is powerful and gives her nothing to work with.

Killahangilion · 25/05/2021 20:00

Definitely agree with others about not discussing anything over the phone regardless of what the person on the line says to you. If the Home Office want a statement from you, they will write to you, not telephone.

And under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you EVER give out passport info over the phone. That’s incredibly reckless of you.

If someone rings you again regarding your ex’s immigration status, say ‘thank you for calling, goodbye’ and put the phone down on them. You’re under no legal obligation to support his application to remain. Your mum is very wrong on this.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/05/2021 20:00

You really don't need to write to the Home Office.

It's not quite the same thing, but I used to have a colleague who was applying for residency. Former colleague was, to put it mildly, odd. His contract had already been terminated due to certain behaviour (not criminal, but not acceptable in a professional workplace either). The management were asked to provide references for his visa and I believe they declined to say anything beyond providing the requisite employment references.

Last thing I'd heard he went to Australia. No idea what happened to him after that.

partyatthepalace · 25/05/2021 20:00

Say what you think - if he’s a crap father and was only briefly ok in order to try and stay in the country, then say that. Don’t lie for him. And whether he stays or not for heavens sake stop supporting him.

RealisticSketch · 25/05/2021 20:01

Don't give your son's passport details, he could use the information to report it lost and get a replacement one.

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