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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

323 replies

Cafepurff · 25/05/2021 17:15

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

OP posts:

ChicChaos · 25/05/2021 17:18

Is there any chance that you may be able to travel nearer the time, OP? Was travel from your country permitted at the time he booked it?

I can understand your disappointment.

LeafBeetle · 25/05/2021 17:20

YANBU to be upset - I'd be devastated if one of my DC was getting married without me there. However, the uncertainty of covid makes things very tricky. I can understand them not wanting to postpone things when it may just get cancelled again. Any chance you could join by a video link?

I'm a bit surprised you told them it was fine when they asked you the day before they originally booked the wedding. It's understandable that you're more up to speed on the rules in your country re international travel than they are.

LolaSmiles · 25/05/2021 17:21

Unless there is a pressing practical reason, such as visa or residency requirements, it sounds like they are prioritising the bride's family and I understand your disappointment.
When you have family living around the world, I'd have thought whether they could travel to attend would be a priority.

Original poster

Cafepurff · 25/05/2021 17:22

Thank you for replying.
We won’t be able to travel, the wedding is in 6 weeks and travel doesn’t look like it will be permitted until the end of the year for us.

It was not permitted when they booked however they have since told us they did not know this at the time and they thought we could travel. They have said if we had told them we couldn’t travel they wouldn’t have booked it but now they are going ahead anyway that does not make sense to me.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 25/05/2021 17:22

To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us)

Did you know at this point that international travel was still banned in your country

FudgeFlake · 25/05/2021 17:24

Rules about international travel seem to change almost daily. Yanbu to feel sad and upset, but yabu to demand that your son and his wife-to-be put their marriage on hold indefinitely.

Original poster

Cafepurff · 25/05/2021 17:24

Yes we did know that travel was banned when they told us.
I don’t remember specifically telling them we were not able to travel, perhaps we assumed they knew this.

OP posts:

tttigress · 25/05/2021 17:24

The think is, he has to get on with the rest of his life.

Covid has put life on hold for too many people, we need to return to normal ASAP

Nuggetnugget · 25/05/2021 17:25

You havent done anything wrong. Telling you the day before they booked in the middle of the pandemic wasn't exactly involving you in their plans.
I cannot understand why they are angry with you. It's not your fault. Bullshit they didn't know.. This is international news.

SwimBaby · 25/05/2021 17:25

Try and think of the marriage and the bigger picture rather than just the wedding. Maybe they want to be married this year so they can start a family or they just want to be a married couple.

SuperMonkeys · 25/05/2021 17:27

You really should have mentioned it, I can't think why you didn't?

I can understand both parties being upset. But if the wedding can go ahead it needs to really

OwlTwitterings · 25/05/2021 17:27

I’m not surprised you are upset. I think that even if everything had been ok at the time of the booking, it was likely that weddings and any travel wouldn’t have been permitted at any point so anyone booking a wedding should have taken that into account.

SeasonFinale · 25/05/2021 17:27

Instead of being coy why not say where you are based?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/05/2021 17:28

@Cafepurff

Yes we did know that travel was banned when they told us. I don’t remember specifically telling them we were not able to travel, perhaps we assumed they knew this.

So from their point of view they told you the wedding was X, you knowing you wouldn't be going said ok that's fine with us. Now you're expecting them to suddenly wait for you to be able to go even though you told them you were on with it, you knowing it meant you couldn't go. I imagine when he found out you knew you couldn't go but hadn't seem bothered he was really hurt.

ElfridaEtAl · 25/05/2021 17:28

They got engaged last summer, told you the date they were booking which you said you were fine with, and now you’re upset?

I understand you’re upset that you might miss your son’s wedding but I don’t think you’re in a place to say anything about it when you were told when they were booking the wedding for and said you were fine with it. Also how were he and his fiancé to know what the state of world travel would be a year ago?

Again, I understand why you’re upset but I do think YABU.

Crazycatlady83 · 25/05/2021 17:28

The problem is, they can't put their life on hold indefinitely waiting for your government to open their borders. How long will it be - the end of this year, middle of next or until the whole world is vaccinated? How long do you consider it reasonable for them to wait? The end of the year - what would happen then if your country didn't open its borders. Would you expect them to wait longer?

It must be very upsetting for you and for them but I think it's just one of those things. Everyone is missing out because of covid and this just seems particularly unlucky.

ThePlantsitter · 25/05/2021 17:30

I would say something but in a 'there's been a communication problem' way rather than a 'we're really upset' way and then follow it up with 'I completely understand why you're going on with it but I really really really wish we could come' and perhaps, if you're in a position to, an offer to contribute some money to a part of the wedding.

I think the issue is that you just went along with their plans first off and that has maybe made them think you weren't bothered all along.

Triffid1 · 25/05/2021 17:30

While I'm constantly surprised at people who don't think about travel implications right now, i do think that when they told you, if you knew at the time that you couldn't travel, why did you not mention it? My dad lives in a different country. I know that I can't travel there particularly easily because the UK government does not consider it safe. But, he is English so I could imagine that he might be allowed to travel back here on the basis that he is returning "home" and that's considered essential travel. I don't know. So if I was getting married, I'd expect HIM to let ME know if he is likely to be able to make it.

I think you are being unfair asking them to put it all on hold and that you should have said something much sooner, and much more clearly. You are not unreasonable to be upset that you might miss their wedding.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/05/2021 17:31

@Nuggetnugget

You havent done anything wrong. Telling you the day before they booked in the middle of the pandemic wasn't exactly involving you in their plans. I cannot understand why they are angry with you. It's not your fault. Bullshit they didn't know.. This is international news.

And if your child told you they were planning the wedding for X months time and you knew you couldn't go, you wouldn't bother clarify that you couldn't go, would just say you're happy with that and then sulk later?

Op told them that date was fine and didn't seem to care at that point they couldn't go. They're only stropping now because they found out DS thought they were coming so expect th to change all their plans.

Perhaps they're having a smaller wedding because his parents seemed disinterested in attending and it upset his plans for a big family do

ElfridaEtAl · 25/05/2021 17:34

I cannot understand why they are angry with you. It's not your fault. Bullshit they didn't know.. This is international news.

Do you know the travel restrictions for every country in the world? I kind of know the ones for the UK as I live there but have no idea about the travel restrictions anywhere else. Admittedly, if I had family abroad I might be more aware of them but the responsibility really should have been on OP to say “hang on a minute son we probably won’t be able to come to you then” instead saying it was fine then sulking months later.

Original poster

Cafepurff · 25/05/2021 17:34

Thanks everyone. I do agree that the communication probably wasn’t the best from us. I think we were shocked and felt put on the spot at the time when they asked us if it was ok so just said yes that’s fine. We didn’t want to say no and come across as ruining their plans I suppose. But if we said more at the time it seems likely they wouldn’t have booked anything.
It is very upsetting to miss it though.

OP posts:

AlmostSummer21 · 25/05/2021 17:36

Why on Earth did you say it was fine with you??

Why didn't you say 'obviously it's your wedding & your choice if date - but you do realise we won't be able to come if you book that date?'

Most people wait more than a year to get married, so surely they could have waited if you'd told them.

But once they'd booked it & it's allowed where they are, it would be expensive to rebook it surely?

Which countries are you all in?

Original poster

Cafepurff · 25/05/2021 17:38

We are in Australia and they are the UK.

I don’t know if they would have waited but I assume they would have if we had told them. That is the impression they are giving now anyway.
It sounds so silly to say now but we just thought that they knew

OP posts:

DistrictCommissioner · 25/05/2021 17:41

I don’t know how someone in the U.K., especially with family in Australia, can have missed that travel is banned from there.

LilMidge01 · 25/05/2021 17:43

What is the ideal outcome you are hoping for here? What would you like to happen that would make you happy( within reason, so no magic wand to reopen borders suddenly)?
I always find asking myself this question helps me figure out whether it worth continuing to push a point or be upset/figure out a new solution or just let it be
Are you wanting your son to postpone his wedding to an indefinite date until you can make it? If so, I thin YABU. People get married for all sorts of reasons and whilst they'd love to have their whole family there, it is never THE reason to get married...so YABU. Let it go and celebrate in the joy that your son will soon be a married man and dont let this strain your relationship going forward. They clearly are not snubbing you on purpose as they did originally ask you and you said it was fine

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