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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

323 replies

Cafepurff · 25/05/2021 17:15

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 25/05/2021 19:07

What’s your relationship like generally? And did you leave the uk to go to Australia or did they leave Australia

Blanca87 · 25/05/2021 19:12

I’m sorry but THEY MUST have known about Australia travel ban. Especially as they have family in Oz.

DollyParton2 · 25/05/2021 19:15

Yes how awful of the OP not to have looked into a crystal ball & predicted Covid 1 year on and its impact on international travel and each nations specific and every changing restrictions Hmm

blubberyboo · 25/05/2021 19:16

I understand almost where both coming from. A year ago certainly everyone was living in hope that this would all be settled down a bit by now naively. I’m not sure what The Australian govt were telling citizens at that point? Where they suggesting that travel was under review or would be? Or were they pretty clear that there would be no travel for a year?

Either way your son knew your were in australia so he too should have considered the impact of the pandemic and at least considered the possibility that things might not get better within a year. Surely it must’ve have also entered his head by the winter when travel restrictions were clearly becoming more prolonged. I can’t believe it didn’t enter his or his brides head at some point.

However hindsight is great but the wedding is in 6 weeks so it will be very hard for them to change now

CaraherEIL · 25/05/2021 19:16

When he told you the date you should have explicitly said that the regulations in Australia meant you wouldn’t be able to fly for that date. By you saying it’s fine he assumed you were saying that you could do that date.
So based on that he has gone ahead and booked it. A wedding a year after a proposal doesn’t really seem shocking in terms of timeline- were you shocked by the speed or just going ahead with a wedding in a pandemic?
I bet he is just as gutted as you but once the momentum of it has all started his can’t backtrack on his dates with his wife to be.

Sceptre86 · 25/05/2021 19:21

Assuming they are adults of reasonable intelligence they should have checked this for themselves. They could have also mentioned their wedding before the day they booked it. If your child wanted you there they would have made more effort to include you.

CaraherEIL · 25/05/2021 19:22

How old is he OP? Your post about being shocked makes it sound as if he is young. Would he definitely have been aware about travel restrictions from Oz?

CaraherEIL · 25/05/2021 19:23

Have you met his wife to be?

thenewduchessofhastings · 25/05/2021 19:26

@Cafepurff

Please don't let this come between you and your son.I know it's a hard pill to swallow but please just let it go.

Is there a possibility you can be at the wedding via zoom?

My friend got married in January with just 15 people there and the rest of the guests attended via zoom.

NakedBanana · 25/05/2021 19:28

I haven't read on the PPs but yes my heart would be broken if my son got married without me there. But there are 100's of couple who just elope and their parents get over it.

All I would want is my son to be happy and settled with the partner he loves. I'd rather he got sooner, if that's what he wanted than wait god knows how long to be bake to fly from Australia. It's not going to happen this year is it?

So YANBU for feeling upset
But YABU for not giving him your blessing and letting him have a marriage guilt free!

TillyTopper · 25/05/2021 19:32

I can understand you are upset, but honestly I think they have to get on with their lives as hard as that is. I'd wish them really well and concentrate on when you can see them and look forward to that.

andivfmakes3 · 25/05/2021 19:35

We didn’t want to say no and come across as ruining their plans I suppose

But now you have ruined it haven't you and have damaged your relationship as well. This isnt their fault it's yours? They asked you about the date. You said fine. Now it isn't. Sorry but this is on you

ShoutingBirb · 25/05/2021 19:35

@Cafepurff

Yes we did know that travel was banned when they told us. I don’t remember specifically telling them we were not able to travel, perhaps we assumed they knew this.
they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us).

Why did you tell them it was fine?

2bazookas · 25/05/2021 19:47

@DistrictCommissioner

I don’t know how someone in the U.K., especially with family in Australia, can have missed that travel is banned from there.
Me neither; Aus and NZ''s clampdowns on travel were heavily reported in UK media.
shouldistop · 25/05/2021 19:50

So you knew you couldn't travel and didn't tell them when they said they were going to book their wedding? In fact, you said it was fine with you?
I'd be really pissed off if I was your son. Why on earth didn't you mention the possibility that you wouldn't be able to go?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/05/2021 20:04

Me neither; Aus and NZ''s clampdowns on travel were heavily reported in UK media. But his parents, who live there, said it was fine. Perhaps her assumed they knew more than him

junebirthdaygirl · 25/05/2021 20:19

Could they plan a second celebration when they get to finally visit Australia so his family there can celebrate with them. The most important thing is ye not fall out over this and its up to ye his parents to be the bigger people now and give them your blessing to go ahead. Count it up as another sh×× fall out from the dam Covid.

Looubylou · 25/05/2021 20:26

YABU to expect them to wait. Did you imagine things would be back to normal, glass half full mentality? It was a bit odd not to say "what if". On the other hand, you would have to be living on Mars, not to know that Australia, unlike us idiots, shut their borders. Have they been skipping along with blue birds round their heads and bunnies hopping round their feet, in a romantic daze??

sprinkleyumnut · 25/05/2021 20:27

I personally would of told them you wouldn't be able to get there when they first mentioned it, however they should of looked up that first as they are the ones planning it. It's a mistake on both parts. It's a bit silly to rush into marriage. Lots of people myself included (I'm getting married next year) don't realise how costly it is. It's a tough one. I would just let it lie for awhile and see what happens.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/05/2021 21:09

The thing is, living on the other side of the world means you will have to miss some things. Perfectly reasonable to be upset, but it wouldn't be reasonable to expect them to wait.

loginfail · 25/05/2021 22:00

@DollyParton2

Yes how awful of the OP not to have looked into a crystal ball & predicted Covid 1 year on and its impact on international travel and each nations specific and every changing restrictions Hmm
^^ This...

As I recall it this time last year and well into the summer it was thought/hoped the travel situation worldwide would be returning to some form of normality by the end of 2020/early 2021..

For anyone who doesn't remember how optimistic, or at least vaguely hopeful some people were being a year or less ago here are a couple of reminders

www.news.com.au/travel/travel-updates/health-safety/hint-when-australias-international-air-travel-could-open-again/news-story/3bdaa7256864e343f48b56f754ada3c3

www.abc.net.au/news/2020-04-17/when-will-coronavirus-travel-bans-lift-in-australia/12149564

..and getting back to current events it surely by now can't really be a surprise to the OP's son that his parents can't travel from Australia to be at the wedding in the UK? I get that he might be disappointed but surely there shouldn't be any anger involved?

Ginger1982 · 25/05/2021 22:08

@Stompythedinosaur

The thing is, living on the other side of the world means you will have to miss some things. Perfectly reasonable to be upset, but it wouldn't be reasonable to expect them to wait.
Yeah but not your kid's wedding surely?
shivawn · 25/05/2021 22:12

YAUBU to be upset but it sounds like a misunderstanding/miscommunication. Although I do think most people know Australia's borders are closed! Maybe they don't pay much attention to the news or current affairs. Really unfortunate situation.

CaraherEIL · 25/05/2021 22:28

I am so sorry for you OP that you are going to miss it especially when we have all had such a shite 18 months. Maybe when you can gift them the cost that your flights would have been so they can fly out to you for a lovely holiday and plan a lovely celebration for while they are there.

Sonofabiscuit · 25/05/2021 22:35

@DollyParton2

Yes how awful of the OP not to have looked into a crystal ball & predicted Covid 1 year on and its impact on international travel and each nations specific and every changing restrictions Hmm
This!! Also they were put on the spot and didn't think ,happens to everyone .
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