Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

[Cafepurff]

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

Thank you everyone for your posts. It helps to get the opinion of others. I will try to answer a few things that have been asked.
We moved here from the UK (we are British). We expected to miss things from time to time but never imagined an occasion as big as this. I understand my son can’t put his life on hold though.
I like to think we are close however I suppose since we moved here we haven’t seen much of each other and busy lives get in the way of regular conversations although we do try a few times a month to chat.
Son is early 30s so not young no.

They are convinced they didn’t know and that we should have told them. I think that’s the worst part for me. If I has have just mentioned it then things might be different. It’s become the elephant in the room whenever we do speak and I’ve not brought up the wedding as I don’t know what to say, it all seems like such a mess now.

Oh dear. At the very, very least I would have said "That date is fine as long as the travel ban is lifted by then." Not "Sure, see you then."

Sorry, but you said you didn’t really ask about the wedding or talk about it, and your son will have assumed you weren’t interested. We have known several people get married abroad during covid, just them as the world is shit and they just want to be married. I think give them your blessing, of course they want to be married and it’s about them not you, just the reason people elope. Sorry you aren’t getting to go and the brides parents are going, but maybe they are closer and that’s ok, it happens, life’s shit, but he happy for them.

Whilst I understand you are dreadfully disappointed to miss your son’s wedding, it is unreasonable to expect him to put his life on hold until you can travel- which is not likely to be until 2022 from Australia.

@GreenWillow

Did you relocate to Australia and leave him here?

If so, you’ve only yourself to blame. I have no time for parents who leave their DC to move overseas, it’s really selfish IMO.

Of course, if I am mistaken in this assumption, my apologies.

Yes, every parent should be permanently tied to whatever plot of ground their offspring are currently living on.

They are convinced they didn’t know and that we should have told them.

I guess in their defence I'm not sure many people in the UK are really aware of how rigid and seemingly draconian the Australian rules are. We have a family friend effectively stuck in Aus TFN. She's not an Australian national, has a job in academia there, and if she leaves Aus at all, even for a short break there's no guarantee when or if she'll ever be able to return..

Given the distraction of the wedding preparation I can see how maybe your son missed the significance of all this, but also to be fair to you I can see why your initial response was a "yes"..I know certainly many people in the travel industry thought for a while that this would be a re-run of SARs 2003, that it would have effectively blown out by the end of 2020/early 2021 and travel would have been returning by now.....

Anyhow, I do hope you find some way of enjoying the day.

It sounds like you would like to have been consulted on arrangements before they booked and been involved in planning. They gave you the opportunity to remind them before they booked but equally no one knew then went Australia would allow travel so even if pointed out would it really have made any difference?

The reality is you probably won't be able to travel until mid 2022 so with that in mind isn't it just better to wish them well and let them get on with it now rather than an endless wait to see what happens your end travel wise?

@Cafepurff

We are in Australia and they are the UK.

I don’t know if they would have waited but I assume they would have if we had told them. That is the impression they are giving now anyway.
It sounds so silly to say now but we just thought that they knew

Regardless of whether or not they knew and I’m struggling to believe that they really didn’t know that you couldn’t travel, I just don’t get why you didn’t say at the time “well that will be nice but we will be unlikely to be able to come”

They booked it a year in advance - how could anyone have known what the travel restrictions would be?

I also find it really hard to understand how anyone could have missed how strongly Australia reacted to covid. It has been all over the internet and on the news that the borders were locked down.

I get that you're all upset about this but I think he's being unreasonable to blame you for it.

You are not unreasonable to be upset but life is short and we don’t know what’s round the corner for any of us
Let them be married with your full love and support
A friend of mine refused to get married until they had saved up enough for a huge wedding. Her fiancé was killed in a car crash 2 years after the engagement
I know that’s a very unusual example but it happens. He’s grown up. Let him live his life. If you can, dress up, join the wedding via zoom and raise a glass of champagne for him after the ceremony

You still haven't said why you said it was fine though. I honestly don't understand that bit. They told you the day before they booked it to check that the date was suitable, and you said it was fine, when you knew it wasn't.

I can totally understand his frustration. He deliberately gave you the opportunity to bring up any problems, and you said it was fine. Why?

I don’t understand why right when the wedding was first mentioned you didn’t talk about the travel issue and potential impact on your attendance. Seems odd that neither you or he considered or raised that issue?

Anyway you didn’t and now it is an issue so you have to go from here.

If I were you I would just apologise for not being clearer and making sure they knew about the restrictions where you live. Try to be involved as much as possible (eg do you have a something borrowed or blue you could gift or could you video call into some parts of the day). Then suggest some nice way to celebrate with them when you can (eg visit when you can and take them to a nice restaurant etc).

I think you got to move forward and do so by making effort.

This type of thing is a consequence of living so far from family. It must have been a difficult year.

I also find it really hard to understand how anyone could have missed how strongly Australia reacted to covid. It has been all over the internet and on the news that the borders were locked down.

But last summer it wasn't as 'all over the internet' as it is now.

UK bride to be here, with my future in laws based in Australia. Its been on our news, everyone knows the restrictions from Australia. Me and my fiance knew before his family even told us and have had to move our wedding to next year because of this.

I find it hard to believe they didn't know or didn't even check for themselves as surley it'd be the first thing you'd look at.

I'm so sorry OP it seems they are spinning you a line ❤️

I'm a bit surprised your DS needed you to tell him that this summer might be problematic? We moved our (UK) wedding from last summer to this summer because of Covid. We knew it was a bit risky in terms of whether or not it could go ahead (or whether everyone would be able to come) but felt we couldn't really face waiting much longer. Even if your DS didn't know the specific requirements for Australia (and I think they've received more press coverage than for pretty much any other country) he must have realised foreign travel was never going to be a dead cert?

Well clearly your DS lives under a rock! How else would he have not even been somewhat up to speed with travel restrictions globally. He had to rebook the wedding due to restrictions. Your not being unreasonable to be upset. If you can’t make it, that’s a shame, but it’s not your fault. Your son needs to wake to and open a news website. Don’t take responsibility for his own oversight.

@amusedbush

I also find it really hard to understand how anyone could have missed how strongly Australia reacted to covid. It has been all over the internet and on the news that the borders were locked down.

Because now is now and that was then...

We don't know when exactly the wedding was first mentioned to the OP but when a lot of the international travel restrictions were introduced last Spring you really wouldn't have found many people predicting the sort of Border closures introduced by Australia/New Zealand and the States would still be in place over a year later..the general comparison being made was with the SARs outbreaks of the early noughties,

From what I've seen it's only been over the last six months or so that the stories about the continued difficulties many Australian nationals are having getting repatriation flights have made it into the UK media, and TBH I'm not sure many of those stories have made it into the tabloids...as saraclara says it certainly wasn't all over the internet last summer.

Putting aside whether they ‘should’ have known (and they should) they clearly didn’t, otherwise they wouldn’t have asked you about the date before they booked. There would’ve been no point.

But you did know (with pretty high degree of certainty) that Australia still wouldn’t be allowing travel and yet you said the date was fine. That’s the sticking point - and having an open conversation with your DS around what your mindset was behind saying that is probably the best way to resolve the tension and move forward.

I am sorry though, OP, it does sound very upsetting.

@toodleloooo

I'm a bit surprised your DS needed you to tell him that this summer might be problematic? We moved our (UK) wedding from last summer to this summer because of Covid. We knew it was a bit risky in terms of whether or not it could go ahead (or whether everyone would be able to come) but felt we couldn't really face waiting much longer. Even if your DS didn't know the specific requirements for Australia (and I think they've received more press coverage than for pretty much any other country) he must have realised foreign travel was never going to be a dead cert?

It sucks.. no doubt about it. My DS1 moved to Oz a couple of weeks before the first lockdown (on a couples visa) So far he has missed his sister's wedding, and now, his newborn nephew. He is very close to his sister and hates it.. we miss him terribly but before covid it was 'only 24 hours on a plane' away... now we don't know when we will see him again.

BUT we did the wedding...with just 10 of us.. and FB live video! DS1 played and sang (he's a musician) the song his sister came down the isle (well row of trees!) to.. he was part of the ceremony.

I think that's the way forward for now.. you both made the mistake of assuming, now repair it by making plans to be there in some way!

Yeah but not your kid's wedding surely?

Plenty of people miss their kid's wedding for one reason or another. It might be upsetting, but it's not the end of the world.

I'm in NZ and no-one here was expecting the borders to be open this year, so I imagine Australia was much the same. You should have said something at the time OP. Let them get on with their wedding, show that you are happy for them and hopefully things will blow over.

With your upset I had assumed he moved away from you. If you moved that far away you had to know you were going to miss out on all sorts of major milestones. Sure, flying back for a wedding is generally feasible, but how many events will you manage beyond that? My own parents made a similar move and I absolutely respect that is the life they wanted for themselves.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you made your choice about what kind of life you want and your son knows that. You seem to expect your son to place more value on your relationship than you do.

Did you relocate to Australia and leave him here?

If so, you’ve only yourself to blame. I have no time for parents who leave their DC to move overseas, it’s really selfish IMO.

Oh do get over yourself! What a stupid thing to say - if you wish to live your life permanently attached to your DC then that's fine, but it's not up to you to lecture others.

I think when the wedding was booked last summer we all thought life would be back to normal by now. So likely they had some awareness of limited travel but didn't think it would have prevented you coming a year later.

If they are willing to book during covid then cut back the numbers to covid limits then it sounds like they really want to get married soon. I would be very disappointed to miss it but wouldn't want to delay them either.

Perhaps suggest some sort of celebration when you can travel? A blessing or party. Could include first dances and speeches. Understand it is not the same but might help a little.

I think weddings have become more personal to the couple nowadays, Covid has accelerated this by restricting the number of guests but I expect small weddings to become the norm for many, especially if saving money/buying a house. I don't necessarily expect to go to the weddings of any of my children. I do get that you have expected to go OP, but it's not worth continuing awkwardness.

As someone whose parents fucked off to the other side of the world:

I respect that my parents are adults who are free to live their own lives.

However, by moving so far away they have signalled very clearly that they don’t really care about staying in our lives or being around for milestones.

They will miss out on big celebrations, they will miss out on forming a close relationship with their grandchildren.

They have signalled very clearly their desire for a life completely separate to their children.

My brother and I struggle with resentment towards our parents for making the decision to move so far away. It’s incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship when you’re 12 hours apart.

My brother got married last year, in a small ceremony which my parents obviously couldn’t attend. They attended virtually and quite frankly it was a complete ballache to organise. It’s just another nail in the coffin for their relationship.

So yes, parents are free to move wherever they want; but in my view they completely lose the right to bitch and moan when they miss out on key life events - they can’t expect their children to put their life on hold indefinitely to accommodate their travel schedule.