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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

323 replies

Cafepurff · 25/05/2021 17:15

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

OP posts:

MoiraRose4 · 25/05/2021 17:43

I don’t see how you can be upset with your son when they told you they were booking and you said it was fine with you. Would that not have been the opportune moment to say ‘we’ll be really sad to miss it if we’re still not able to travel, but we understand’?

Slimmingstar · 25/05/2021 17:43

Bring married is more important than who can or can’t come to watch the ceremony.

I have family who can’t travel to my wedding in the summer, but it’s been put off once and to me, marriage is very important.
I wish my family could come, but my desire to be married is more important than having my family sitting in the room when it happens. They understand.

I’m marrying my future husband, no one else and my relationship with my family will not be affected by their non-attendance.

fruitbrewhaha · 25/05/2021 17:45

You should have said when they told you the date. I would have thought that you not being able to leave Australia would have come up in conversation at some point, why did you not mention it?

Do you have other family in Oz? Could you organise another wedding event in Australia once they are allowed to visit you?

BluebellsGreenbells · 25/05/2021 17:46

I think you need to make a plan to make not better.

Live video link, dress up and open the champagne and toast their happiness.

Plan a party when they can get over to you - even if this is a first anniversary party! Or plan the party in the UK when the borders are open.

Their wedding doesn’t have to be about anything other than them. Be happy for them.

Mummyratbag · 25/05/2021 17:46

I know it's not the same, but can they do a web broadcast? When BIL got married I was 8 months pregnant and couldn't travel, but watched it on webcam..not perfect, but at least I felt partly involved.

For what it's worth I would be gutted.

Essexgirlupnorth · 25/05/2021 17:48

I would be upset at not being there but also I wouldn't expect them.to wait indefinitely for Australia to open the borders particularly to the UK.
You did say OK when they first told you their plans so they thought they could go ahead.
I have had friends have wedding delayed because of covid one got married with 12 people because they just wanted to get married and one got married last weekend with 30 rather then the 54 they had invited because the bride is now 6 months pregnant and didn't want to delay anymore so they were married by the time the baby arrives.
Is there any way the wedding can be streamed so you can see the ceremony?

mummyh2016 · 25/05/2021 17:49

If you had told them before booking about the travel ban then I would be saying YANBU. As you didn't I am saying YABU sorry. I am aware that you can't fly to Australian unless you are a resident however I didn't know that you couldn't leave either.

PotteringAlong · 25/05/2021 17:49

So how long do you want them to wait? It’s not like Australia are going to open their boarders tomorrow. Maybe they want to get on with their lives, maybe the want to start a family, maybe they think “we’ve already been engaged a year and, do you know what? Life is too short to hang around”

LilMidge01 · 25/05/2021 17:51

@Slimmingstar

Bring married is more important than who can or can’t come to watch the ceremony.

I’m marrying my future husband, no one else and my relationship with my family will not be affected by their non-attendance.

I agree with this whole heartedly.

Your son is getting married!!! Presuably to the love of his life and he wants to be married sooner rather than later! How exciting! Rather than get hung up on the fact you can't be there which is outside of your control (and noone snubbed you intentionally), get in on the joy!!! Smile. Celebrate.

nocoolnamesleft · 25/05/2021 17:56

I have no family in Australia. But I know international travel is out, with only very limited numbers of repatriation flights for Australian citizens, who then have to rigidly isolate. Because it's been all over the news for months. How the fuck could they claim not to know?

Castlepeak · 25/05/2021 18:01

I think you should call your son and apologize. Tell him you understand that this is a horrible, unprecedented situation and everything just got mixed up. You are disappointed you can’t be there, but you understand he can’t wait the years it might be before Australia opens its borders. Then ask if you can attend virtually. If he still has time to do the bigger party, maybe even suggest a virtual presence device for you and your spouse so you can mingle with the guests. It could be one of those little talking pieces. “Remember the wedding where the parents were a robot?”

OhHarry · 25/05/2021 18:02

How old are they? Are they worried to leave it a year for fertility reasons?

Sirzy · 25/05/2021 18:02

I find it quite bizzare that there was no communication about travel even without the wedding to be honest. I have family overseas who we are close to so we are all keeping a close eye on restrictions for when we can travel.

Its disappointing but they can’t wait indefinitely and there is no sign of the restrictions with Australia relaxing anytime soon

NoMoreHGTVPlease · 25/05/2021 18:03

Attend virtually. Weddings have been allowed in Oz for ages now, albeit sitting down and no dancing and a friend of mine had relatives from the UK and all over Europe attend via Facebook Live. The international relatives were able to speak to guests attending as the phone was passed around!

TeaAndStrumpets · 25/05/2021 18:03

I know someone visiting here from Australia for family reasons. They had to jump through a lot of hoops to get here and can't re enter Australia for 3 months. So some people are travelling.

Iwonder08 · 25/05/2021 18:05

If I were your son I would be very annoyed with you. You are saying you knew about the restrictions, however you failed to mention it before they booked a big wedding, probably even lost some deposit money. Now you are acting all upset and offended. You should be supportive of your son rather than creating drama. The right response would be expressing regrets of not being able to be there, but encour them to do what is right for them and making plans to have a celebration of some sort once the travel permitted. It is his wedding and shouldn't be the centre of attention

Drinkingallthewine · 25/05/2021 18:07

Everyone who isn't thick knows that Australia and NZ closed their borders and enforced strict quarantine. It's common knowledge to everyone. They've done it from the beginning of the pandemic and it's been widely reported on.

I had a wedding booked for last year, postponed to this year and now postponed to next year again and the first fucking thing I did when considering my ever changing wedding date was to check that the people I want at my wedding who live overseas were allowed to travel.

YANBU to be sad you are missing it, but equally, YANBU to expect that they at some stage, would have considered whether or not you could travel. When you insist on a wedding during a pandemic you don't get to throw strops over what restrictions your guests may face - it's out of their hands. It sounds like they really want to marry asap and that's fine, but it's not your fault or theirs you can't be there.

PaperbackRider · 25/05/2021 18:07

It was not permitted when they booked however they have since told us they did not know this at the time and they thought we could travel. They have said if we had told them we couldn’t travel they wouldn’t have booked it but now they are going ahead anyway that does not make sense to me

They didn't know, you did, and you said nothing about it? They asked you if they should book it and was it ok with you, and you still said nothing?
Of course they are angry! You at no point told them that you wouldn't be able to go, and now you think they should cancel their wedding because you for some bizarre reason never told them a crucial and important point that you could easily have done at the time.

I'm amazed, and I am sure they are too, at your complete disregard for them and their wedding, and your sheer affrontery in being upset. You and only you caused this mess.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/05/2021 18:08

It’s muddied by you saying it was fine when it clearly wasn’t.

But I don’t see how they can possibly have missed the travel issues and not known you couldn’t get there. I’ve got family in Australia but even if I didn’t the updates have been on the news here very often.

Any chance she’s pregnant hence sticking to the date and what seems like a rush?

Lipz · 25/05/2021 18:08

They booked their wedding a year ago in the middle of a pandemic and expected you to know how travel restrictions would be a year later?

Every country has changed their travel restrictions so many times. Nobody knew what was ahead. Look at the amount of people who booked holidays thinking in a year's time things will have settled.

You were not to know for sure . I get you're in Australia and travelling is much more stricter. I did think myself that there would be no travel for this year to or from Australia but that's going on what my family in Australia have told me and what I read online. I'm not sure how this is only cropping up a few weeks before the wedding, surely your son would have mentioned something before now? Or you to him? Or is this an ongoing discussion?

Everyone worldwide is sitting on a weekly basis waiting to hear from their government when and where they can travel, some people are hearing days before travel whether they can travel or not. There's no blame on anyone as no one knows for sure how things are going to go.

If it were me, I think I would suggest that they go ahead with their plans and maybe have a blessing next year that you can attend, whether that's in Australia or the UK, of course money is going to be a big thing here, I think I'd get saving and either fly them into Australia or I fly to the UK and have a nice blessing and a restaurant meal afterwards. As much as I'd like for them to cancel and rearrange, it's their wedding and obviously the majority of the guests are already in the UK?

What's the allowance in the UK for wedding guests? I'm in Ireland so don't know how many are allowed. It could end up not being many and some others would miss the wedding due to numbers so having a blessing and meal next year in the UK might work out for others too.

newnortherner111 · 25/05/2021 18:10

I'd be concerned at failing to do such a basic thing as check whether family from another country could travel, unless it was deliberate to stop them attending. Which it is not in this case. It should not have been up to the parents to check, it is not their wedding.

Checkingout811 · 25/05/2021 18:11

I’m sorry but it would’ve taken him 2-3 mins to go online and find out the current travel restrictions for Australia before booking.
Bullshit he didn’t know.
YANBU OP

NailsNeedDoing · 25/05/2021 18:11

I can understand why you’re upset, but I can understand why they are more upset too. It sounds like they genuinely want you there, and I can easily believe that a couple in the UK didn’t realise that you wouldn’t be allowed out of Australia. When they booked it, we thought we’d be fine to travel by now, and they probably thought at worst you’d have to quarantine.

They’ve been looking forward to it and planning now, which is why they will want to go ahead even if they wouldn’t have booked if they’d known you couldn’t go. The planning was probably giving them a lot of enjoyment while we were in lockdown.

It’s also relevant who moved away from who.

PaperbackRider · 25/05/2021 18:13

I’m sorry but it would’ve taken him 2-3 mins to go online and find out the current travel restrictions for Australia before booking

Would have taken 2-3 seconds for OP to say "we can't come if you book it for then" instead of "oh yes that's fine with us, go ahead and book"

FAQs · 25/05/2021 18:14

They checked the date with you, you knew of the travel plan but told them it was fine? No wonder they are pissed off with you.

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