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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

323 replies

Cafepurff · 25/05/2021 17:15

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

OP posts:

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 25/05/2021 18:14

If they booked it a year ago I think it would have been reasonable at that time to think that things would be relatively normal by summer 2021 and Australia would be allowing overseas travel. I don’t think anyone really expected that we would still be in the position we are.

I don’t agree with your comment OP that they have rushed things. They will have had a year from engagement to wedding. It’s hardly a shotgun situation. Perfectly normal timescales.

You must be very disappointed and upset that you will likely miss the wedding but this is about them and not you, and they probably don’t want to delay starting this next chapter of their lives. Maybe they want to start a family.

Acupofcamus · 25/05/2021 18:14

I don’t think you communicated very well and I don’t blame them for being upset. They asked if you’d be ok to attend and you didn’t tell them you wouldn’t be because it isn’t possible to leave the country. Of course they’re upset and I wouldn’t expect someone to assume what rules stand in your country either, I didn’t know Australia had banned all international travel either.

They also aren’t rushing things, they’re marrying a year after the proposal which is quite standard.

DeciduousPerennial · 25/05/2021 18:15

Wait, so they asked you if the date they'd picked was ok before booking, and you said “yes, that’s fine”?

Of course they thought that meant you could travel!

I’m not surprised they’re cross with you.

CoffeeCakey · 25/05/2021 18:17

@Castlepeak

I think you should call your son and apologize. Tell him you understand that this is a horrible, unprecedented situation and everything just got mixed up. You are disappointed you can’t be there, but you understand he can’t wait the years it might be before Australia opens its borders. Then ask if you can attend virtually. If he still has time to do the bigger party, maybe even suggest a virtual presence device for you and your spouse so you can mingle with the guests. It could be one of those little talking pieces. “Remember the wedding where the parents were a robot?”

This sounds a good idea. You messed up but how were you to know you wouldn't be able to travel a year later. Try not to be upset at them carrying on without you. Covid has messed up so many wedding plans and it's best they just get on with it or there will always be someone who can't come.

lockdownalli · 25/05/2021 18:18

I think YABU to expect him to postpone his wedding until there is free movement between Australia and UK. Let's be honest it could take years.

Call him. Apologise for any ill feeling. Ask how you can help/be part of the wedding from Australia. Reassure him how happy you are for him and excited he is moving on to a new chapter in his life.

NoMoreHGTVPlease · 25/05/2021 18:20

Those saying that they thought Oz would be open... we all knew Oz WOULDNT open up for at least a year. This was widely seen in the media. They shut borders between when there were less than ten cases. They restrict travel.
Anyone with relatives in Australia would have had these discussions just as a by the by conversation in every day life if they were in any way close. Comparing experiences between countries. Or even just conversation filling silence if not close?

Are you close to your son, op?

DollyParton2 · 25/05/2021 18:26

For me, I’d have NEVER considered having my wedding without both my parents there. I would have delayed/ made different plans to ensure they could be there.
You and your son don’t sound that close tbh. Your own attitude seems a bit hesitant and almost afraid as if you’re used to walking on eggshells around him - so it’s making you seem almost formally polite in your interactions with him? If that were my kids I’d not be able to hide how hurt we were about it. And ask directly how he could go ahead with his wife to be’s family there and not his own mum and dad?
This won’t just go away once they’re married- it’s a HUGE issue. It will only fester and you could both become more bitter. Stop pussyfooting around and have a real, honest, direct, emotional if needed discussion with him.

GreenWillow · 25/05/2021 18:26

Did you relocate to Australia and leave him here?

If so, you’ve only yourself to blame. I have no time for parents who leave their DC to move overseas, it’s really selfish IMO.

Of course, if I am mistaken in this assumption, my apologies.

boredbuttercup · 25/05/2021 18:28

We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it.

All other strange things aside with tell them its fine when its not (can't say I really understand this) there's nothing rushed about a year long engagement. YANBU to be sad that you won't get to be there to see your son get married but equally you can't ask them to put off their wedding indefinitely. Who know when the Oz borders will open up? 2022? 2023?, it's all up in the air so it's not even like there's a date they could plan for. They may have decided the actual marriage is far more important than the wedding and just want to be married as soon as possible. They may be the kind of people who want to be married before trying for children and, with the biological clock constantly ticking, aware that they therefore need to get married soon. I don't blame you at all for being sad at the situation, but its just that, a situation. I would say YWBU to be hurt by them specifically.

SheilaWilcox · 25/05/2021 18:29

You probably should have mentioned, "Oh, I hope we're allowed to travel by then, You know how strict Aus is with these things."

I think how upset you are 'allowed' to be depends on who emigrated, you or them. My brother emigrated to Australia and one of the considerations he made, was knowing that he would miss key events in people's lives, and us his. E.g. I've not met any of his children.

Upsetting for everyone, but not worth falling out over.

MissMogwai · 25/05/2021 18:29

I think they probably couldn't move the wedding at cheap or no cost as weddings are allowed in some format now. With 6 weeks to go, I expect they are almost done and dusted with the preparations and excited.

We moved our wedding twice due to Covid restrictions so we only lost a small amount of money but it was very stressful and in the end we decided to go ahead with a smaller version and it was beautiful.

Some people couldn't come and some made it all about them, but at the end of the day it's the bride and groom's day and it should be about the marriage. You can't please everyone.

I agree with a pp who said dress up, have a bottle of fizz ready and join by zoom or whatever. It will still be special and will show you're still there for them albeit not in person.

Make your peace with it and don't let it mar his day.

CoffeeCakey · 25/05/2021 18:30

They may be the kind of people who want to be married before trying for children yes I thought this, or maybe buy a house or they just want the legal security sooner rather than later.

MadeOfStarStuff · 25/05/2021 18:32

YABU

They told you the date before they booked and you said it was fine. Why on earth wouldn’t you have said you wouldn’t be able to travel? Of course they don’t want to cancel now they’ve booked things and wouldn’t get their money back!

Shakirasma · 25/05/2021 18:33

I cant believe so many people think the OP is at fault for not telling their son they wouldn't be able to travel in for his wedding this summer, when he booked it last year!

How could anyone not know travel has been banned in and out of Australia for the past year, especially if they have family over there. It's common knowledge and been all over the news.

And given the volatility of the covid situation, how could the OP have possibly known that the world would still be in the throes of the pandemic this summer, at the time their son booked the wedding? She doesn't have a crystal ball! None of us knows what the situation will be even now, in 6 or 12 months time.

YANBU to be dissapointed of course, but your son can't keep postponing indefinitely so I think he's right to go ahead. But it's certainly not your fault you can't make it.

Sweak · 25/05/2021 18:34

I'm amazed he wouldn't know about the Australian travel restrictions. It's extremely well documented, I have no family there and I know!

Maybe he was asking if it's ok and expecting you to mention the ban, then you said it's ok..he took you at face value...now he's saying he didn't know as you are upset you can't attend. Either way poor communication on both sides is an issue.

Going forward I think it's unreasonable to ask him to wait, there is so much uncertainty...maybe they think it's their chance to get it done.

I really think now you need to show your support. Record a lovely video message for the big day, get them a thoughtful gift. Ask for the wedding photos asap. Maybe see if you can be involved by giving virtual speeches? Just talk to him and see how you might be able to get involved (but on their terms as it's their day). Basically, try to turn your disappointment into support

I do feel for you. I would be gutted but it's just the awful situation right now

Thatswatshesaid · 25/05/2021 18:34

Did you move abroad or did he?

PaperbackRider · 25/05/2021 18:35

I cant believe so many people think the OP is at fault for not telling their son they wouldn't be able to travel in for his wedding this summer, when he booked it last year!

They did know though, she says so. They knew travel was banned then and anyone paying attention knew it wouldn't be changing for a long time.

Sweak · 25/05/2021 18:36

I do also agree with pp who said it's unfair to blame you for 'not saying anything'. Even in the unlikely event he didn't know about the travel ban there's no way you could know for sure you could attend as it's a pandemic!

ThePlantsitter · 25/05/2021 18:44

I don't think it's a question of blame really, or even if it is I think it's really key NOW that you communicate clearly across the miles and travel restrictions. Your son needs to know you love him and you wish you could come to his wedding and that you always wanted to come and it's only the rules stopping you. Not that you don't care or are lukewarm about it, which he may be feeling now. Even if he isn't feeling that it doesn't hurt to say it but it might hurt not to.

CutieBear · 25/05/2021 18:45

They told you before they booked their wedding. You didn’t tell them that you and DH might not be able to travel. YABU.

wasthataburp · 25/05/2021 18:54

So when they asked you about it prior to booking and you said you were fine with it, you knew international travel was banned from your country but didn't think to mention it?

Marty13 · 25/05/2021 18:56

Sorry OP but I agree with everyone, you knew you couldn't travel and said it's fine, and now you're upset ? If I was your son I'd be pretty annoyed. It's up to the person travelling to know what is allowed or not. I think you should call your son, explain there's been a miscommunication and you're disappointed not to be there, but maybe you can do a small celebration next time you see them and talk on the phone on the day itself.

@GreenWillow :
^"Did you relocate to Australia and leave him here?

If so, you’ve only yourself to blame. I have no time for parents who leave their DC to move overseas, it’s really selfish IMO."^

Sorry but you are being ridiculous. Their son is an adult and parents are allowed to have their own life. Do you expect them to hang around their children's area their whole lives ? What if their children live in different places, should they then travel back and forth ? Absurd.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 25/05/2021 18:58

People knew Australia was being tough on travel but I couldn't say when it became clear how long that was likely to be for. But any planning from March last year onwards has been subject to change. Any plan could be disrupted by isolation or restrictions. So yes you probably shouldn't have said it would be fine but equally he needs to accept that nothing is set in stone right now.

Spodge · 25/05/2021 18:58

If they are old enough to get married they are old enough to think through the implications of the pandemic on international travel. I don't think the onus was on you to point out that you could not travel at the time they booked - the rules over here seem to change every 5 minutes anyway.

Anonymous48 · 25/05/2021 19:00

They asked you before booking. You said it was fine. They didn't do anything wrong and you are being unreasonable.

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