Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

323 replies

Cafepurff · 25/05/2021 17:15

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

OP posts:
loginfail · 27/05/2021 21:33

..checking again, you can travel to the wedding (presuming your area doesn't go back into lockdown!) - Australia is on the UK green list, so you need to show a negative test before leaving and have another test on arrival in the UK. You are then allowed to return to Australia, but will have to go into 14 day quarantine.

We know if all the correct boxes are ticked in the correct order the OP may be able to travel, but you've made it appear so simple that it reminds me of the Monty Python description of how to play the flute: blow in the end and move your fingers up and down.

The Uk Green List bit is trivial in the scheme of things..as many of the posters upthread have pointed out the real issues are things like getting the various Australian permissions for travel in/out, finding slots on the limited number of what are reputed to be eyewateringly expensive flights, getting a quarantine slot in Aus on return...there's probably other stuff I've missed

Maybe the OP can travel..who knows..but it's not just a case of a few tests and a bit of quarantine...

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/05/2021 22:53

Tho if is on the green list why can’t the op book flights

What am I missing here

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/05/2021 22:54

Sorry pic didn’t attach

Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 27/05/2021 23:44

Blondes you are only looking at whether the OP is allowed in by the UK. The point is that the Australian border is almost completely closed. They may find it hard to be allowed to leave and even harder to be allowed to get back.

I have friends who have not been able to get home to Australia since the start of the pandemic. A dying relation is not enough to get you in, let alone travelling for a wedding. There have been news stories about this for fourteen months.

Guavafish · 27/05/2021 23:53

Glad to hear you’re reaching out to your son. I think you have to let them go ahead with your blessing as you don’t know when the travel ban will be lifted etc.

You can watch in on video link, get dressed up and try to enjoy it for your son’s sake. It’s no ones fault and honestly the couple shouldn’t have to wait any longer to be married. Good luck

RubyFakeLips · 28/05/2021 00:03

It sounds like an unfortunate miscommunication on both sides. I think you should have made it clear about the travel situation at the time but what’s done is done.

However, in your first post you said you felt it was rushed and you were upset about them going ahead without you. Realistically, you are the other side of the world and may not have an accurate gauge of their relationship, or of how much of a priority you are in their lives now. I say this as someone who’s brother emigrated and his family struggles to get to grips with the new normal without the stress of a pandemic. Your son has a new life which is completely removed from you and will have spent at least the past year, unable to see you or return to Australia. With the repeated lockdowns here they will most likely have a some new ‘nearest & dearest’ and while you’re important and loved the dynamic has changed.

saraclara · 28/05/2021 00:15

@Blondeshavemorefun

Tho if is on the green list why can’t the op book flights

What am I missing here

The green list is about which counties the UK will let its own citizens visit and return from. But Australia has its own rules. It won't let its citizens out, and it won't let them return from anywhere. It's pretty much hermetically sealed except for emergencies, when it will only let people leave for compassionate reasons, and they have to stay away for three months. OP has already said that's impossible.

You're looking at all this from a UK centric perspective. Australia is way, way more strict.

MoppaSprings · 28/05/2021 03:17

@MargosKaftan @Blondeshavemorefun

You have to apply for permission to be able to leave Australia which is only granted in certain circumstances, attending a wedding isn’t one of the reasons, usually granted for visiting dying/ sick relatives ( with evidence) or business reasons, or if you intend to not return or have a prolonged stay( of over 3 months).

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/05/2021 04:27

Ok gotcha. Thanks all

Tbh austrialia do have it right. My Friend lives there. Her fb status is another lockdown. 26 cases and strict lockdown for a week

Problem is what we country people are in , if people are travelling /flying in esp for Pleasure and holidays then cases do go high

Boris could take a leaf out of oz book tbh and ban travel

anotherday235 · 28/05/2021 05:20

The problem is no one knew last year when they booked the wedding that the pandemic would still be ongoing this year so the rules at the time of booking are not really relevant. Surely, you all just assumed everything would be fine by then. Obviously things are different now says it is lasted longer than previously thought (hoped). Are they doing a small wedding so they can do something bigger later? I don't really understand how anyone could know the situation a year later even international travel was not allowed when they booked anyway so not sure where the issue lies.

MrsMcTats · 28/05/2021 08:01

I know it won't be in anyway the same, but perhaps you could ask for a live link to watch the service? I'm sure your son could sort this and just prop a camera/FaceTime in the room. I don't think it's anyone's fault. You didn't say about travel, but equally you had no idea what the pandemic situation would be.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/05/2021 09:56

@anotherday235

The problem is no one knew last year when they booked the wedding that the pandemic would still be ongoing this year so the rules at the time of booking are not really relevant. Surely, you all just assumed everything would be fine by then. Obviously things are different now says it is lasted longer than previously thought (hoped). Are they doing a small wedding so they can do something bigger later? I don't really understand how anyone could know the situation a year later even international travel was not allowed when they booked anyway so not sure where the issue lies.
This is true

Our wedding was may 2020. Cancelled March 2020

We rebooked it for may 2021 not expecting a year later to still be in the pandemic

That got cancelled feb this year. We moved it to July 2021

longdistanceclaraaa · 28/05/2021 10:19

Oh my goodness I am aghast at the way supposed loving parents are treating their son and his future wife. My in laws are like this- every situation is about them. It's usually easy to brush off but when it comes to big events and they create drama it puts a permanent wedge between you.

A good parent would want the best for their son. He wants to get married. He is not going to have the wedding they would want. They might want children. The pandemic has been hard for everyone. In my view you should wish them well and see them as soon as you possibly can.

Creating drama like this will not be forgotten.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/05/2021 11:09

@Blondeshavemorefun

Ok gotcha. Thanks all

Tbh austrialia do have it right. My Friend lives there. Her fb status is another lockdown. 26 cases and strict lockdown for a week

Problem is what we country people are in , if people are travelling /flying in esp for Pleasure and holidays then cases do go high

Boris could take a leaf out of oz book tbh and ban travel

I'm so glad we don't live in Oz or have a PM who thinks Covid elimination and banning travel is ever going to work.

So glad with the Tories we'll less likely to have another fucking lockdown over a virus well over 95% of people recover from with no ill effects.

Life has never been safe and never will be. It needs to go on.

The son and his fiancee have been engaged for a year, they're in their 30s, they want to be married, not hang round waiting for this as it's never going to end.

lovelsa · 28/05/2021 14:16

@osbertthesyrianhamster 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Feelinghothothottoday · 28/05/2021 14:46

I would imagine your son is very upset that you agreed to the date when you knew you probably wouldn’t be able to attend.

PoppysMummy2021 · 28/05/2021 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GettingAwayWithIt · 28/05/2021 14:59

@longdistanceclaraaa

Oh my goodness I am aghast at the way supposed loving parents are treating their son and his future wife. My in laws are like this- every situation is about them. It's usually easy to brush off but when it comes to big events and they create drama it puts a permanent wedge between you.

A good parent would want the best for their son. He wants to get married. He is not going to have the wedding they would want. They might want children. The pandemic has been hard for everyone. In my view you should wish them well and see them as soon as you possibly can.

Creating drama like this will not be forgotten.

I agree with this, sorry OP but you (presumably) chose to move to Australia away from your beloved son. Did you really think he would schedule any important life events to suit you on the other side of the planet?

What will happen when they do get married if they plan to start a family? Are you happy to miss out on your grandchild(ren) coming into the world and growing up? Maybe that’s why they’re not wanting to hold off any longer - the biological clock of your future daughter in law?

PurpleMustang · 28/05/2021 15:27

I agree with others. It is their decision when to get married. And due to the miscommunication they would likely lose money changing just to suit you travelling. You say there is an elephant in the room and you haven't asked about the wedding, can you not see who is causing the tension here. You not asking about the wedding is causing the issue so they are not going to mention it. They may have good (private) reasons not to delay. And saying you think this is aimed around the brides family is a bit off, when it is not their fault they live in the same country and can attend. Juat like other family and friends will be able to, but you have commented about them, just her family. I think if you move that far away the onus is on you to keep up the relationship.

LadyEloise · 28/05/2021 15:38

Sorry @Cafepurff but when you were asked by your ds if it suited you said "...fine."
And now you're whinging. Shock
I'd be so sad if I couldn't go to my childrens' weddings.

longdistanceclaraaa · 28/05/2021 15:45

Imagine how lovely and loving it would be for the son to have received, or still receive, a message along the following lines-

Son- we love you. We want more than anything for you to be happy. You have your life to live and we will always be by your side cheering you on. We wish this pandemic didn't prevent us from travelling but be assured that we will be there in spirit and we cannot wait to see the videos and photos. We will raise a glass on the day to you and your lovely new wife. It's only one day and we look forward to sharing many other happy times with you. The first chance we get we will be on the plane and celebrating with you both in person.

Imagine how a message like that would have cemented all of the relationships.

Instead there are elephants in rooms etc.

If you can, I would really try to claw this back

Feelinghothothottoday · 28/05/2021 17:54

@Feelinghothothottoday

I would imagine your son is very upset that you agreed to the date when you knew you probably wouldn’t be able to attend.
Nasty, no need for that. She isn’t jealous but has handled this not very well. Stop encouraging sons blank their mothers. You wouldn’t like it.
Feelinghothothottoday · 28/05/2021 17:56

Wrong post!!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page