Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

[Cafepurff]

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

I find it hard to believe they didn’t turn their mind to whether borders would be open for you for travel in all the circumstances. Especially if they really wanted you to be there, they must have appreciated there would be uncertainty.

And I think it was as much their responsibility, as yours, to turn your mind to the issue of travel being permitted during COVID. It’s seems you both ‘dropped the ball here’. Especially if they really wanted you there, and given you would be such a significant person who needed to attend.

It’s really unfortunate but not much that can be done - unless they wish to push the dates back. But frankly, it could be another year before travel opens up for people living in Australia. I think all you can do is apologise, and try and make it up in some other way. It is very very hard when a family member lives so far away. That is probably the bigger source of discomfort and uneasiness between you.

You can travel - it will be expensive and you will need to quarantine, assuming you hold PPID for both countries.

@Cafepurff

We are in Australia and they are the UK.

I don’t know if they would have waited but I assume they would have if we had told them. That is the impression they are giving now anyway.
It sounds so silly to say now but we just thought that they knew

I would assume they know too. I don't have family in Australia, but it's all over the news here that travel is banned between UK and Australia... Though you probably should have said that you may not be able to attend unless the rules change when they first proposed a date. It would give them opportunity to respond at the time. Now it's a bit late. Will they broadcast the wedding so you can attend virtually?

I’m also assuming your son’s wedding counts as compelling or compassionate grounds (which might not be the case). I have an Ozzie acquaintance who has been been back to Melbourne 3 times in the last year! She is ordinarily resident overseas though. Quarantine hotels in Australia also sound a million times better than the U.K.!

@saraclara

I also find it really hard to understand how anyone could have missed how strongly Australia reacted to covid. It has been all over the internet and on the news that the borders were locked down.

But last summer it wasn't as 'all over the internet' as it is now.

And last summer, Australians were expecting the travel bans would have been lifted this (northern) summer. It's only in the last couple of weeks that the government finally confirmed that won't happen.

There's also many media reports of 'compassionate' exceptions to the border closure, including for weddings.

@ElaineMarieBenes

They might be able to obtain an exemption from the Australian government to travel. It’s by no means certain. However very few Australians have been vaccinated yet - the vaccination program roll-out has been very poorly conducted to date. It would not be safe for them to do this travel until vaccinated which is another consideration.

Personally I think you are a bit off expecting your son and his fiancée to stay unmarried for years waiting until you can attend their wedding. Everyone on mumsnet says that for financial security, anyone who wants to have children should be married first, so you are also asking them to put off having children so that you can get to go to the party.

I’m in Australia and all family are in the UK.

This is the downside of being a migrant. Especially when you emigrate to the other side of the world. It’s always been the case that I can’t get back quickly if there’s a problem, and now I can’t get back at all. Even when we can travel I’ll be cautious, for fear the situation will change and I’ll be stranded overseas as so many Australian citizens have been.

I wouldn’t delay my wedding though. This is how it is with families split by immigration. I’d hold my wedding and have my family on zoom.

I see a few people suggesting exemptions - not sure how it works leaving Australia, but I have had significant difficulty getting exemptions for family to travel from OS and even within Australia when their loved ones are seriously ill in hospital.

@Dyrne nailed it. When you move to the other side of the world you can’t expect the family members left behind in your old home country to fit their lives around your visiting options.

Why should they put off getting married? It’s their life and this is what they want to do with it. I was talking to someone I work with the other day and her daughter got married last summer and could only have a handful of guests. But they wanted to be married for the financial advantages it brings (there are tax benefits over here if you are married) and they wanted to have a baby and they wanted to be married first - that’s their belief and they are entitled to it. So, whilst it was sad that great aunt Marjorie who lives six states away couldn’t attend, they got married for themselves and their reasons, not for everyone else to have a party.

In Australia...our borders will likely be shit for years! They are talking about building permanent quarantine facilities now.

@HelgaDownUnder

In Australia...our borders will likely be shit for years! They are talking about building permanent quarantine facilities now.

They'll also be shut.

@Dyrne

As someone whose parents fucked off to the other side of the world:

I respect that my parents are adults who are free to live their own lives.

However, by moving so far away they have signalled very clearly that they don’t really care about staying in our lives or being around for milestones.

They will miss out on big celebrations, they will miss out on forming a close relationship with their grandchildren.

They have signalled very clearly their desire for a life completely separate to their children.

My brother and I struggle with resentment towards our parents for making the decision to move so far away. It’s incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship when you’re 12 hours apart.

My brother got married last year, in a small ceremony which my parents obviously couldn’t attend. They attended virtually and quite frankly it was a complete ballache to organise. It’s just another nail in the coffin for their relationship.

So yes, parents are free to move wherever they want; but in my view they completely lose the right to bitch and moan when they miss out on key life events - they can’t expect their children to put their life on hold indefinitely to accommodate their travel schedule.

Wow it's had a massive impact on you. Do your parents even realise?

They are convinced they didn’t know and that we should have told them. I think that’s the worst part for me. If I has have just mentioned it then things might be different.

“They are convinced they didn’t know” is an interesting way of phrasing it. I suspect you think they probably did know, and many posters here have concurred that it is likely they did. Sounds more like you not being very specific gave them a loophole.

So the potential real elephant in the room is that they have decided at some point to go ahead without you and now are feeling guilty about it. They are presumably unwilling to admit this, hence the reason they insist they had no idea and are angry with you. The fact that they knew you couldn’t come and rebooked at the same time confirms it.

Perhaps, like a PP said, your son resents you going away. It’s all very painful as it’s confirmation that you and your son are not all that close. Had you been close, I think he would have checked and double checked.

Sounds like communication isn’t good all round. Do you speak to him alone without her there? Regardless, no wonder you feel hurt. It has challenged your assumption that you and he are close. It sounds like the wedding is a lost cause. If I were you, I’d try to get over that and try to work out how to improve ongoing relations and find some closeness again. When lockdown in over, can you pay for them to visit?

I call bull on their story. Unless they are intellectually disabled and locked in a cellar they knew full well Australian borders were shut when they first discussed it with you. There is no issue with them going ahead, as disappointing as it may be because heaven knows when they will open but to lay the blame on you now is poor form and cowardly. Instead of saying look we need to book the date, understand the uncertainty but can’t put it off indefinitely given Australia currently has no plan to open, I hope you understand he has pulled a complete dick move.

In Australia...our borders will likely be shit for years

Sums it up nicely.

I am guessing they don’t want to wait as maybe they want to start a family.
My family are in oz and it’s so hard to predict when they will be allowed to travel. I am not convinced you will be allowed out at the end of the year. Although isn’t it the case you can apply for an exception and pay extra for quarantine on the way back in? Did a man go to a wedding in India and brought the Indian variant back to oz?

@SeasonFinale

Instead of being coy why not say where you are based?

Why? You know it's a country which isn't allowing international travel. Why do you need to know which specific one?

You've both been avoiding a difficult conversation. He wanted to believe things would change and you could come. You wanted to believe it too, so you both buried your heads in the sand and now nothing has changed one of you had to admit to reality. Don't keep burying your heads in the sand. Tell him your are mortified that you can't come and you have been avoiding talking about the wedding because you know how sad it is for both of you, but you are so happy he is getting married and found someone and that is what matters. Ask someone who is there to WhatsApp you while it is happening so you can watch live and then offer to pay for them to come to Australia/New Zealand for a late honeymoon and that you can all celebrate together then. Now is the time to get real and put in place a plan that will move this along. And for god's sake phone him more often and show interest in his wedding. He will be more hurt that you are seemingly indifferent to the whole thing.

I don’t understand why you told them it was fine. How did the conversation go? I had no idea you couldn’t leave Australia, I thought you’d just have to quarantine on return.

Yes that is a shite situation op but a think you need a change of tack. It really now doesn’t matter who knew what when and who’s right and who’s wrong. Looks like it’s going ahead. It’s one day in all your lives but your son is your son forever.
Change your outlook. Be happy for them. Plan something lovely to do with them when you do get to see them to celebrate their marriage. Don’t lose your relationship with both of them over one day. Covid has made an arse of a lot of things, it’s out of your hands now.
When you can’t change it, you need to work to accept it - it’s not worth falling out (from a long distance) with your son and dil to be.

@LuvMyBubbles I’m not sure tbh. I’ve let things slip over the years. They always get defensive and upset though so I always let it drop without revealing the full extent of my resentment and frustration.

Pathetically I still want them to like and love me even though they clearly don’t care about me so I don’t want to push them too hard.

By the way, up until April this year, people were being granted travel exemptions for weddings, but since a man flew back from India from his own wedding even weddings are being tightened. If you really wanted to show willing you could apply online for a travel exemption (and probably get refused) and then if you got accepted throw money at a flight. I have no idea why you didn't apply for a travel exemption months ago though

I don’t know how someone in the U.K., especially with family in Australia, can have missed that travel is banned from there.

I totally agree!
I also think that this time last year many of us assumed that travel abroad would be back on the agenda by this summer to a much greater degree than it actually is- hence maybe OP saying she was fine with them getting married this year.

I agree with @Dyrne. No I don't think parents should forevermore be tied to their children  but I don't really understand wanting to move so far away. Of course people are entitled to live their own lives but I can't imagine wanting to be so far away from my DC- Oz is hardly nearby like France or something.

Of course it's upsetting OP but they did ask you- and I don't think that a year ago people thought things would still be so bad- people wanted to be hopeful, even if it was misguided.

And I do think that this is one of the consequences of choosing to move so far away; your DS obviously had no say in your decision to do so (as is right, it's your life) but I agree with @Dyrne about what that signals and what your expectations should really be now. You were always going to miss out on things moving away and perhaps your DS felt unhappy about that. Obviously without the pandemic you'd have been able to be there but that's not his fault and he is also entitled to get on and try to live his life. It doesn't seem rushed to me either- seems a bit unfair to make that judgement when it's clearly because you want him to wait for your sake.

The travel situation from Australia is so uncertain- it might not be open for travel at all this year. With that in mind it's totally reasonable for your son to get married before you are able to come. You are there and he is here. It's crap that everyone has missed so much but it really is out of everyone's control. If it was me and I wanted to start a family and be married before I did that I would want to be married ASAP and I would be gutted I had to have a small wedding without my in laws there but I would feel I needed to get married so that I could move on to the next stage of my life.

I suspect your son is upset because you are being a bit selfish and adding to an already stressful situation for him by being off with him. I can totally understand why you're upset but if you look at it from his point of view ie he told his mum the date, they said it was ok but are now being off with him and can't come, then I can see why he would be upset. My advice to you would be to make a big fuss of this wedding- clear the air by telling him how excited you are for them and that you are sorry you've been off with him you're just heartbroken you won't be there. Ask him and his wife lots of questions about it, see if you can join by video link and get excited to buy a big hat and a dress for the day, send them flowers and a present, organise something for when you can finally see them. Seriously don't fall out with your son and his wife over this.