Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

[Cafepurff]

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

Honestly, I would be open and honest with your son. Explain how you feel, how you wished you had mentioned the borders etc. Ask them if you can do a celebration with them when you are able to meet up. Explain how upset you are but you understand and support their decision to go ahead with the wedding. Ask them what you can do to help etc.

ALSO, I totally understand this isn't the same but can you join the ceremony by zoom and maybe the speeches. You can get dressed up and toast them. I'm sure other posters have mentioned this, so apologies I haven't read the full thread.

@EasterEggBelly

I’m guessing he thought you would apply for an exemption to travel. Maybe it would have been better to do that and then if it was rejected you appear to have made an effort to attend. At present it probably looks to them like you had no intention of going from the start.

I just looked it up. People can apply for an exemption only from 2 weeks to 2 months prior to travel, the application also involves confirming that the rules might change to prevent you from returning. So actually OP could not have applied last year.

Exemption rules do not include life events; care of sick relative is explicitly included but not funerals. There is an option to apply calling it urgent personal business, but while OP could ask it seems unlikely that travel for a wedding would be allowed under those rules.
covid19.homeaffairs.gov.au/leaving-australia

I can understand your upset at missing the wedding, but I think you are largely the authors of your own misfortune. Whilst I do think your son should have checked travel restrictions, I suspect he assumed you would know the restrictions in the country you live in and would tell him if his plans meant you could not come to his wedding. Instead, when you told him the date you said “yes, fine with us”- in your sons position I would have thought that meant not only were you free, but that you believed that you would be able to travel. So he went ahead and booked that date.

I suspect he was hurt that you said the date was fine, knowing that you could not travel. Perhaps he thinks you really aren’t bothered about attending?

I think you should call him, explain what you’ve said here- you were taken by surprise and thought he knew about restrictions. In other words there has been a miscommunication and you would love to be there if you could, but due to restrictions there is simply no way you can attend.

You got on with your lives and moved to Australia while your DS remained here. In these circumstances, I think it is very unfair of you to expect your DS to put his life on hold until you can travel back from Australia.

It's difficult to have a crystal ball but some reports that international travel for those living in Australia is not likely to resume until 2024 at the earliest:
www.timeout.com/sydney/news/international-travel-for-australians-will-not-resume-until-2024-economic-report-suggests-041321

Weddings make people weird. Focus on your relationship with your son and his new wife in the long term. Relentless positivity. Engage with their wedding plans, be happy for them. Offer to organise a party to celebrate for your side of the family as soon as you can travel. Your relationship with future grandchildren is at stake so be generous and helpful now, rather than resentful.

@Wnikat

Weddings make people weird. Focus on your relationship with your son and his new wife in the long term. Relentless positivity. Engage with their wedding plans, be happy for them. Offer to organise a party to celebrate for your side of the family as soon as you can travel. Your relationship with future grandchildren is at stake so be generous and helpful now, rather than resentful.

That is very good advice!

They can't put their life on hold for his parents to essentially attend a party. Support send your best wishes, video link, wish them the very best.

I will try to answer some more of the questions people have asked but I can see the general consensus is we are in the wrong in how we have handled things.

We could apply for an exemption but I believe you have to leave the country for 3 months, we aren’t able to do this due to work.

When they told us , travel was banned until the end of January, it was then pushed back to end of March and then again. We said it was fine at the time, as in theory we thought it would be fine. They did ask us if we were prepared to quarantine and we said yes, they thought we only had to quarantine not that we actually couldn’t travel so I can see why they think they asked. But we didn’t foresee the travel ban still being in place, we should have made more of a point at the time.

Naively we did also think they wouldn’t go ahead if we couldn’t travel, which I can see now was a bit selfish of us.

It hasn’t only just been brought up now, it was brought up around January when they realised we couldn’t travel at all, and they asked us about it. Since then things have been strained.

I agree there has been miscommunication on both parts. I will reach out to my son and try to offer our support now.

The wedding was booked last summer, when the Australian government was promising to repatriate everyone and look at travel numbers, those were relaxed to allow more in by September. It was only later in the year that the Australian government said 2022 or later, it's not unreasonable to have assumed that travel with hotel quarantine might have been possible, even still might be possible. Vaccinations, variants, tests, treatments and other events may change things further over time. Pretending to know 6 months into the pandemic what one government might be doing a whole year later, that's just silly

Of course we can't know what a government is going to do only 6 months into a pandemic but anyone with the slightest bit of common sense would realize that pandemics last a long time, years not months and that there are likely to be associated travel restrictions and these restrictions could also change at short notice - be relaxed or tightened up.

What is silly, is the OP not mentioning this possibility to her son at all. Yes, the son should have had the common sense to realize that there could be an issue.
The OP said it's fine so the son went away and booked a wedding. Why on earth did she not mention that there were restrictions in place at the time when the wedding was booked and that there was a possibility that they could be in place for a long time so she couldn't guarantee to be at the wedding if it did go ahead.
But no, she said it was fine.
Now she's upset that her son has decided to go ahead without her.

x-posted with the OP

@ZenNudist

You could write a letter or better if you think it would work, Can you schedule a family meeting zoom and have a prepared statement? Ask just your ds to join.

Ask him to listen and then you will give him time to respond after.

Tell him that as he knows you are very upset to miss his wedding. It is a significant mile stone in a parents life and you had been looking forward to this moment for 30 years.

If he had wanted you there then he would have made arrangements accordingly. He cannot blame you. He is responsible for working out travel restrictions before booking. The fact that he is trying to blame you seems like he is trying to deflect responsibility for excluding you from the wedding. You dont want this to descend into a blame game.

It is upsetting for you that it tells you more about the state of your relationship that having you at the wedding isn't important to him.

That said it is done. You understand that by asking him to cancel the wedding they will lose money and it will cause bad feeling and further damage the relationship.

At the end of the day a wedding is about 2 people. You want him to be happy and you want to have a good relationship in the future with him. So you wish him well. You need to say this all now and then find some way to let go of the hurt caused.

It is going to be very difficult but that you'd like to try and find a way to reconcile and get over this bad start to introducing your new DIL to the family. You love him and you hope that he will think more about ways to still include you in the future. Then make a suggestion for regular zoom calls, eating a meal together over zoom etc, anything that invests in your relationship.

You could ask him to arrange a video link and include you in the wedding that way. Maybe offer to pay for this.

Obviously you will have to tailor thus to your own words but get the gist of saying your piece once and offering to get over it.

It sounds to me like he's just thoughtless. He probably didn't realise how important this was to you.

Wtf, a statement? And how the fuck is it his fault, or him that doesn't care? Look I'm not saying that OP doesn't care, that's clearly nasty and untrue. Also nasty to suggest he doesn't care about his parents being at his wedding.

OP chose to move to Australia. Of course no one could have predicted the pandemic. But this is not the son's fault in anyway.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for the son to feel a bit hurt that his parents chose to move so far away. There always ends up being angst around all these big family occasions- and now the OP is upset and wanting her DS to have to put his life on hold and wait to get married. Maybe the son is thinking 'what about all the other times- not just the big days like weddings etc? What about the mundane days, the difficult times- times I could really do with my mum just being here?'. I fully get the hurt that a PP described really well.

@Cafepurff - so sorry for your that you're missing it, but that's the right approach to try to get involved and be friendly. It's good to be clear with him that you are sad to miss it, really didn't expect restrictions to be in place still and can't manage the 3 months required. It could be worth asking for an exemption for a brief trip and hotel quarantine, I don't think you'll get it but at least you could show your son that you tried?

@wdmtthgcock - if OP was expected to have a crystal ball, why wasn't the son? The Australian government didn't know at that time they would still have borders closed regardless of quarantine and other restrictions, it's really a bit much to expect everyone else to know.

Of course we can't know what a government is going to do only 6 months into a pandemic but anyone with the slightest bit of common sense would realize that pandemics last a long time, years not months and that there are likely to be associated travel restrictions and these restrictions could also change at short notice - be relaxed or tightened up.

(warning longish post, I've put a TL;DR summary at the end)

When Covid hit in early 2020 Many industries/politicians at first looked at the SARs 2003 outbreak, in an attempt to model progress and amongst other things guess how long significant travel restrictions might...

As one example - this from a Hong Kong airport website looking back at that year:

"The outbreak of SARS in Hong Kong in March and the subsequent issue of travel advisory notices against non-essential travel to affected areas, including Hong Kong, by the World Health Organisation (WHO) had a significant deterrent effect on air travel. Although passenger traffic and flight frequency had fully recovered to pre-SARS levels by year-end,"

..so for Hong Kong, who were right in the middle of the SARs outbreak, it was 9 months of restrictions, certainly not more than a year..

www.yearbook.gov.hk/2003/english/chapter13/13_20.html

Elsewhere with regard to Covid from 20th May 2020 we find this from in an Australian source...

"According to the proposed timetable, Aussies would be able to travel to New Zealand and the Pacific from 1 July, with travel to other countries deemed safe under a bilateral health agreement to restart from 10 September.

However, it appears all international travel wouldn’t resume until after 15 December." (2020)

www.travelweekly.com.au/article/wondering-when-international-travel-will-restart-this-new-chart-could-hold-the-answer/?utm_source=Adestra&utm_medium=email&utm_term=&utm_content=Wondering%20when%20international%20travel%20will%20restart%3F%20This%20new%20chart%20could%20hold%20the%20answer&utm_campaign=Travel%20Weekly%3A%20Thursday%2028%20May%202020

It's unreasonable to think, as some people here obviously do, that a member of the general public was bound know, last summer, with absolute certainty, that the restrictions Aus had in force then would still be in place now .

If that ended up as TL;DR then to cut to the chase: Some people are most definitely using 20/20 hindsight and castigating the OP as a result.

Maybe the OP should have added a caveat of "if we can" to her original response to here son, but other then I think some slack needs to be cut..

if OP was expected to have a crystal ball, why wasn't the son? The Australian government didn't know at that time they would still have borders closed regardless of quarantine and other restrictions, it's really a bit much to expect everyone else to know.

The son doesn't live in Australia so wouldn't have his finger on the pulse as to what was going on there.
The OP lives there so would have access to more news and info about what was going on.
I was not expecting the OP to have a crystal ball - but a bit of common sense would have been useful. She did not even mention the possibility that there could be a problem to the son. That is where the whole thing went pear-shaped.

When you are young a week seems like a year, when you are old a year seems like a week.

I expect to them they have delayed enough and can't see time from your point of view. I doubt it's anything personal although it must hurt terribly.

If you can't fly or if they can't accommodate changes, all you can (and should) do is be ultra positive and make a big fuss of them and partake as much as you can with arrangements from afar. Send lovely things and well wishes. Ask to see their arrangements.

However painful this is, it's more important to preserve the relationship. More things will pass and you'll want to be part of them such as grandchildren and them feeling happy to visit you.

Be their biggest fan.

Think of this a building bridges for the future, especially with your future daughter in law.

I'd be more upset at the Australian government and their Covid extermination agenda.

@loginfail the problem isn’t really that OP agreed to attending an event back when she thought it would be OK. It’s that nowhere in the subsequent 7 months did it occur to her to speak to her son about his wedding plans and indicate that things were up in the air regarding travel rules.

Thats the communication fuckup here.

And fucking hell @ZenNudist - if my parents tried to “read a statement” to me, let alone one as narcissistic as that; I think I’d immediately log off the zoom call and be done with them.

OP - glad you’ve seen there’s been a communication breakdown on all sides and you’re planning on reaching out to support your son.

@Cafepurff

I will try to answer some more of the questions people have asked but I can see the general consensus is we are in the wrong in how we have handled things.

We could apply for an exemption but I believe you have to leave the country for 3 months, we aren’t able to do this due to work.

When they told us , travel was banned until the end of January, it was then pushed back to end of March and then again. We said it was fine at the time, as in theory we thought it would be fine. They did ask us if we were prepared to quarantine and we said yes, they thought we only had to quarantine not that we actually couldn’t travel so I can see why they think they asked. But we didn’t foresee the travel ban still being in place, we should have made more of a point at the time.

Naively we did also think they wouldn’t go ahead if we couldn’t travel, which I can see now was a bit selfish of us.

It hasn’t only just been brought up now, it was brought up around January when they realised we couldn’t travel at all, and they asked us about it. Since then things have been strained.

I agree there has been miscommunication on both parts. I will reach out to my son and try to offer our support now.

Weddings are expensive, if he cancelled because you couldn't come were you willing to pay for the cancellation costs? Unless you were I think expecting them to cancel their wedding on a date you'd said was fine, is not just a bit selfish but also unreasonable. All the other things, you both made assumptions, there were miscommunications, we all do that. The end result missing your child's wedding, that would be a big blow. But I really don't get why you'd be expecting him to cancel his wedding because you couldn't come.

I think the thing about the travel ban is that knowing about it existing, and understanding the implications are two different things.

I have family in Australia, I knew about the travel ban. I knew there were likely to be reasons for business or compassionate exemptions- but it wasn't until BIL's father was dying last year and BIL was frantically trying to get home until I realised that while BIL could get out, even though he has PR, he'd have to queue for a slot in a quarantine hotel to get back in, and THAT could take up to five months. So BIL couldn't leave.

It would not at all surprise me if the DS had a fairly surface level understanding that you couldn't go to Australia (to visit) unless you live there, and you'd have to quarantine- but that he wouldn't have known about the proposals for the ban on leaving, or the wait to get on a flight in, or queues for quarantine hotels or all the other stuff that's daily headlines to Aussie residents but not the rest of the world.

I dont think your DS is unreasonable for wanting the wedding to go ahead this Summer but I do think he is cheeky and a bit manipulative to be blaming you for not being able to attend. Totally passing the buck. He should just own the fact that he wants to get the wedding done this Summer.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'd be more upset at the Australian government and their Covid extermination agenda.

Lol, we’re not. 😂😂😂

I don't really understand why you are upset now if you knew when they booked it you couldn't travel and didn't mention it. Nothings changed from your perspective has it? So how can you be upset they are going ahead.

Oh come on, last summer no one could have reasonably predicted the lockdowns would include a total travel ban. There has been points over the last year when the op could travel to the UK for a wedding, it's just they would have to quarantine in a hotel on return. (Which i presume the OP would be prepared to do)

Its like people saying its insane to think you might go on holiday overseas this year referencing we've been in a pandemic for a year - failing to realise there has been lots of times over this year when you could go away, and only had to quarantine at home on return, so it wasn't madness to presume that if it was OK to do something in September 2020, it might be ok to do the same thing in September 2021.

OP - if you are able to travel - albeit with testing and quarantine, would you do it? If so, tell him.

Oh dear OP, I have to say that it's been pretty obvious to everyone in both the UK and Oz that travel has been, and will be, forbidden out of Oz for at least the rest of this year.

My best friend lives in WA, (but is from the UK, and elderly family still in the UK) so even just by our regular chats on WhatsApp we both know where the lines are, and what the rules are.

How you and your son can (either of you) get to this stage without even knowing the basics of Covid regs in Oz is frankly shocking. Both of you should have known, neither of you should have had to 'double-check' or ask. How has it even come to this?

@Cafepurff - checking again, you can travel to the wedding (presuming your area doesn't go back into lockdown!) - Australia is on the UK green list, so you need to show a negative test before leaving and have another test on arrival in the UK.

You are then allowed to return to Australia, but will have to go into 14 day quarantine.

So you can come over. The question is, do you want to? Can you afford it (both the costs and the time)? Would you be happy to come over?

@ItWasAgathaAllAlong - but that's not true. Travel is allowed. The return to Australia would require quarantine, and that would take more time and money.

But not being able to afford it /get the full time off work isn't the same as not being allowed at all.