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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

245 replies

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 25/05/2021 10:22

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

OP posts:

Aprilwasverywet · 25/05/2021 10:24

Do you have your own money also? He needs to be paying the late fees from his spends imo

Looksabitbig · 25/05/2021 10:26

I was bad for forgetting to pay credit card. You need to set up a direct debit to pay off the minimum each month. That I think I did through the credit card (as the minimum amount varies obviously). This then means a small amount is guaranteed to be paid off each month; and you can pay more if you have it obviously. That doesn't address your other concerns but it's a quick fix for the fees.

shewalkslikerihanna · 25/05/2021 10:27

I wouldn’t be happy at his controlling behaviour

littlepattilou · 25/05/2021 10:27

Of course YANBU.

I am suspicious as to why he wants to look at yours, but won't let you look at his. Makes me wonder if he's hiding something.

Original poster

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 25/05/2021 10:29

Aprilwasverywet

Sorry, I should have said in the original post.

I am a SAHM so currently my husband's wage is the only one coming in. The money goes into a joint account which I do have access to through my online banking.

The one I don't have access to is the joint credit card and in order to have access to that it would give me access also to his personal account, which he doesn't want.

OP posts:

Looksabitbig · 25/05/2021 10:30

Mine probably wouldn't want that either as he knows I'd be going "you spent how much on eBay this week?" Etc.

Aprilwasverywet · 25/05/2021 10:31

Would make me more determined to see his personal account..

billy1966 · 25/05/2021 10:33

I would be very very unhappy at his controlling nature.

You have been warned this is NOT good.

I would rethink your SAHM status and protect yourself.

You are very vulnerable with a dishonest husband.

Sycamoretrees · 25/05/2021 10:35

Does he value privacy so highly in other areas? (clearly not where your phone is concerned!) Or just the bank accounts? I'd be concerned that he is trying to hide something, more debt? Payments he doesn't want you to know about? I think you need to get to the bottom of this, as well as finding a way to avoid the late payment fees that you can't afford and look bad on your credit file.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 25/05/2021 10:35

He's trying to hide something from you.

Original poster

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 25/05/2021 10:36

It does feel controlling.

I didn't even want access to his personal account originally, just the credit card, so that I could pay it. But I couldn't have access the one without the other and this is the sticking point.

He can't give me a decent explanation why he feels this way. We are married, with a mortgage and children, so to me, access to eachother's bank doesn't seem a big deal. But according to him it is. Phones appear to be different though.......

OP posts:

scaredsadandstuck · 25/05/2021 10:38

I think it's a bit dodgy he won't let you see what's going on with his bank account! It would make me more determined to have a nose about to find out what's so amazing about it.

On a practical note, as PP have said, surely you just need to set up a direct debit from your joint account to the credit card for either minimum or a fixed amount and then make top up payments when you remember on an ad-hoc basis. I can pay my credit card from my bank account, I don't need access to the CC account to make a payment.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 25/05/2021 10:38

He can't give me a decent explanation why he feels this way

Gambling, prostitutes, hidden debts. I'd bet money on one of those three!

BillMasen · 25/05/2021 10:38

There’s a difference between looking at personal accounts, and using a phone

He wants privacy in personal accounts. Absolutely fine. I presume you also have your own accounts which are private. No hypocrisy there

The phone is separate. Do you use his? If not, he shouldn’t use yours.

Original poster

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 25/05/2021 10:40

billy1966

I am absolutely looking at going back to work. We have a young child with a medical condition, which requires her to have regular surgery, so this is difficult, which is why I have been off work longer to care for her.

OP posts:

MegaClutterSlut · 25/05/2021 10:40

First thing that came to mind is that he maybe hiding something. Me and dh have access to each others bank accounts and everything else for that matter

BillMasen · 25/05/2021 10:40

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

He can't give me a decent explanation why he feels this way

Gambling, prostitutes, hidden debts. I'd bet money on one of those three!

Do you say the same about every woman on here who wants their personal accounts to stay private? I bet you don’t

JungleIsMassive · 25/05/2021 10:42

Your married. Have children. Live in the same house. What on earth is financial privacy? It doesn't make sense in my head.

He's being an idiot. He wants to have financial privacy from his wife? The mother of his children? There person he shares a life with, a bed, bodily fluids?!! It's so strange to me.

He's either hiding something or wants to feel in complete control. But he's not in control as he's letting bills go unpaid. Losing money when he doesn't have too.

Can you set up a direct debit to come out each month?

Then have a serious talk with him about what an arse he is being! I'm a SAHM too and I have full access and full disclose of all money. Its my money too! In fact DH basically has nothing to do with our accounts because he can't be arsed! I could have a gambling problem or spend money on crap and he wouldn't know.
We trust each other.

He needs to trust you.

Original poster

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 25/05/2021 10:42

BillMasen

I don't use his phone, but if I needed to I would ask. He just picked mine up and started using it without asking. This got my back up as we had just had this argument about the bank accounts, though I appreciate it's not exactly the same. It just feels like he's entitled to his privacy, but I'm not.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 25/05/2021 10:43

I'd be more concerned about the late payment fines tbh. These can stop you getting the best offers on a remortgage ! He needs to realise the financial impact these can have and just give you access.

BillMasen · 25/05/2021 10:44

@littlepattilou

Of course YANBU.

I am suspicious as to why he wants to look at yours, but won't let you look at his. Makes me wonder if he's hiding something.

She hasn’t said he does. He used her phone (not sure what for but let’s assume not checking her bank accounts as I’m sure she’d have said if it was)

He’s saying phone use is fine to be shared, personal bank accounts are not

Anyone really saying everyone (including all women) should allow ther partner to see their personal bank accounts??

BillMasen · 25/05/2021 10:45

@FridayNightAtTheBronze

BillMasen

Does he see your personal bank accounts?

CarryCamping21 · 25/05/2021 10:47

If he is paying the credit card late regularly
He is literally throwing money away !
Set up direct debit from current account to pay credit card once or twice a month
Then all your accounts need to be checked a couple of times per month

Yes you need access, there is no reason not to !

Agree get a job too

Berthatydfil · 25/05/2021 10:47

Set up a dd to pay the minimum payment. It’s not ideal as it doesn’t pay off the full balance but this will avoid late payment charges.
Alternatively if you always pay off the full balance see if you can set up a dd to do that instead.

On the issue re privacy I’m a bit torn. If he can’t manage to pay the card and you are incurring late fees regularly - which might show in a credit check then I don’t blame you for wanting some clarity and control . Also if you don’t have an income you are vulnerable to financial abuse (not saying you are but it is a slippery slope).

BarbaraofSeville · 25/05/2021 10:47

Yes he's a controlling hypocrite and you are also not being unreasonable to be annoyed at his financial mismanagement. Multiple missed credit card payments could well scupper your chances to get another mortgage deal.

He needs to set up a direct debit for at least the minimum payment. Missing payments and being charged is just a waste of money that is easily avoided so inexcusable.

A compromise on the banking front would be to pay all bills and joint costs from a joint account that you can access and have a credit card issued from that bank. However, there is no such thing as a joint credit card, so you probably can't get round being able to see the credit card statement, but if you can see the joint bills account, you will be able to see that the payment has gone from there.

If he wants financial privacy, he should set up a separate spends account. In fact, you should both have one of these for your own personal spending, funded by equal amounts from the joint account and it is fine to keep that private. If he's likely to overspend, it should be an account that can't go overdrawn, eg Starling without an overdraft - if you run out of money, you can't spend without applying for an overdraft.

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