Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

245 replies

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 25/05/2021 10:22

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 26/05/2021 08:02

@cosima8

“I pay all the bills, do all the online banking etc at DH's request BUT it's all from his bank account. We've been together for almost 20 years but he still won't let us have a joint account. For him it's not about 'financial privacy', clearly, so I don't know what it is. He's the only earner (I'm disabled and have no income). I hate using his bank card in shops but he point blank refuses to let me have one of my own.”

But how can he stop you having your own card? What is the point of that? Supposing you need to get a taxi or, I don’t know, anything in an emergency? What happens then? I can’t believe you’ve lived like this for 20 years Shock.

I’m a SAHM to and we both have cards to the same joint account. We also each have Pleo cards. All savings and investment accounts are in both names and all properties. You can also set up Apple Pay now so even if I’ve left my card at home, I just use my phone. I couldn’t imagine having to ask my DH to use his card. This is shocking actually.

They don't have a joint account and thats why she can't have her own card.
SadieCow · 26/05/2021 08:12

So many ways round this....

If you've no access to the account, how do you know about the late payments? He shares that info?

  1. Set up a direct debit for the minimum or whatever payment?
  2. Get a paper statement not online statement
  3. Get another credit card not linked to his current account, this is better if it's paid regularly than a card with late payments etc. I don't hold with it's worse for your credit file to apply for a new card.

You don't share financial information, so you need to work around it?

mogsrus · 26/05/2021 08:19

Can't see much trust here,the worst case scenario would be if he was taken into hospital for some time,how would your world run then?
Your married,everything should be shared,as only one person allegedly knows what is going on financially,crazy crazy situation,needs urgent sorting,harsh words NOW.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/05/2021 08:21

Why don't you just set up a direct debit?

Shouldbedoing · 26/05/2021 08:32

Dear OP, I've only got time to read page 1 of 3 this morning. I would normally RTFT.
Do an Experion credit check on your accounts and any linked to them/youraddress. This is useful research when applying for a mortgage.

Rubyrecka · 26/05/2021 08:37

@BillMasen

Everyone has the right to privacy.

They need to find a solution to the cc issue that doesn’t involve him surrendering his

The point of this post which you seem to be missing is that financially he is unreliable and cannot pay the cc bill on time. He's demonstrated on numerous occasions that he can't seem to handle doing this. All the OP is trying to do is ensure financial security, the card is joint so there's no privacy issue there.

Everyone does have the right to privacy including the OP - he has already breached this by using her phone. It's a two way street and if he can't be trusted to pay bills on time like a normal adult then he has to surrender the control of the account. If this includes access to his personal account so be it - he's had more than enough chances. Oh and I would be saying the same if it was a woman 🙄

BillMasen · 26/05/2021 09:53

@dementedpixie they do have a joint account. Op said so early on this thread!

BillMasen · 26/05/2021 09:54

[quote Rubyrecka]@BillMasen

Everyone has the right to privacy.

They need to find a solution to the cc issue that doesn’t involve him surrendering his

The point of this post which you seem to be missing is that financially he is unreliable and cannot pay the cc bill on time. He's demonstrated on numerous occasions that he can't seem to handle doing this. All the OP is trying to do is ensure financial security, the card is joint so there's no privacy issue there.

Everyone does have the right to privacy including the OP - he has already breached this by using her phone. It's a two way street and if he can't be trusted to pay bills on time like a normal adult then he has to surrender the control of the account. If this includes access to his personal account so be it - he's had more than enough chances. Oh and I would be saying the same if it was a woman 🙄[/quote]
I’m not missing it, I know it’s not on. Op gets it, I’m commenting on the many other posters who think he doesn’t have the right to privacy

BillMasen · 26/05/2021 09:56

@Lennon80

Totally agree with this

‘Financial privacy indeed! He is a married man with children... I’m afraid that ship sailed long ago.

People who need this kind of financial secrecy in a marriage are ALWAYS troubled personalities. There will be some entrenched insecurity - either that or he’s up to something dodgy. I could not abide this type of husband for two seconds. He has a wife at home looking after his children for god’s sake, yet he still feels the need to siphon off “his” money and keep you in the dark. Financial abuse in its most stark form. He is an utter disgrace. I’m so sorry.‘

Women are not men and men are far more likely to be spending money on pay for porn etc

And there we have it Men do not deserve privacy as they are more likely to be up to no good. Women are not men so they do.

Fucking hell, it’s normally more subtle than this!

SadieCow · 26/05/2021 10:03

Jesus what a load of bloody nonsense! So men cannot have privacy?

dementedpixie · 26/05/2021 10:43

[quote BillMasen]@dementedpixie they do have a joint account. Op said so early on this thread![/quote]
It was a different person that that bit of the thread related to. I was replying to a particular quote

Ohhyeahright · 26/05/2021 11:16

Another one convinced he is hiding something, sorry op.

Aprilwasverywet · 26/05/2021 11:27

The night I actually saw my dh's bank account was the end of our marriage..
I told him to move out the next day.
And I filed for divorce.
Never seen him since that night...

butterfly990 · 26/05/2021 11:41

Do an Experion credit check on your accounts and any linked to them/youraddress. This is useful research when applying for a mortgage.

👆 this. Although you can't get his information directly it will show any debts/ late payments that you are linked too.

SadieCow · 26/05/2021 12:35

Do an Experion credit check on your accounts and any linked to them/youraddress. This is useful research when applying for a mortgage.*

👆 this. Although you can't get his information directly it will show any debts/ late payments that you are linked too.

This will not tell you about your husbands card, you're wasting your time. It will say you're linked but give no info on the amount outstanding or the payment history!

Get your own C C and financial independence!

Or as loads of people have said set up
a Ddm!

cosima8 · 26/05/2021 13:00

“Everyone has the right to privacy.”

Er, no they do not. Confused Not when it comes to finances in a marriage. No such thing.

cosima8 · 26/05/2021 13:01

“The night I actually saw my dh's bank account was the end of our marriage..
I told him to move out the next day.
And I filed for divorce.
Never seen him since that night...”

What on earth was on the bank statement???

Rubyrecka · 26/05/2021 14:17

@cosima8

“Everyone has the right to privacy.”

Er, no they do not. Confused Not when it comes to finances in a marriage. No such thing.

Don't be ridiculous if they do! It's only a issue when one party isn't trustworthy. As in the OPs situation.

Being married doesn't mean you give up your identity and merge into one person!

cosima8 · 26/05/2021 15:14

It’s in the wedding vows - “With all my worldly goods I the endow... “ (or something like that).

It’s not “With all my worldly goods I thee endow.., except MY bank account because that’s MINE and PRIVATE and you’re not seeing that ever ... until death us do part (when you may or may not be given access to MY oh so private funds).”

I don’t know why some people bother getting married at all. I couldn’t be doing with it.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 26/05/2021 15:29

@cosima8

It’s in the wedding vows - “With all my worldly goods I the endow... “ (or something like that).

It’s not “With all my worldly goods I thee endow.., except MY bank account because that’s MINE and PRIVATE and you’re not seeing that ever ... until death us do part (when you may or may not be given access to MY oh so private funds).”

I don’t know why some people bother getting married at all. I couldn’t be doing with it.

Oh, come on. DH gets annoyed when I half-inch his chocolate chip cookies that he hides. I get annoyed when he nicks my nail polish. That doesn't make us any less married. Nor does the fact that each of us has some money to play with or save to ourselves, by agreement, from the joint budget.

By your argument you've no right whatsoever to get annoyed if your H, say, borrows your shirt and stretches it out of shape, because you have by your own definition given it to him already.

Horehound · 26/05/2021 15:36

Sounds very dodgy to me.

I imagine he is spending all his monthly pay so has no money to pay the credit card!
It seems suspicious to immediately get on the defensive about it when the normal reaction would be like "shit! I've forgotten again. We need to sort this out".

cosima8 · 26/05/2021 15:37

No, that’s really not the same line of argument all Grin

cosima8 · 26/05/2021 15:38

Sorry, that was to Buffy’s comment.

PegasusReturns · 26/05/2021 15:44

Of course people have a right to financial privacy!

I don’t give DH access to my accounts and I don’t have access to his.

I also don’t allow DH to use my phone or go in my handbag. I have nothing to hide I just want some spaces that are my own.

cosima8 · 26/05/2021 16:00

But when you have children together, how can it work with “financial privacy?” For instance, if you’re booking a family holiday, how do you know how much the other is prepared to pay? If the kids need any one of the million things kids need, how do you decide who buys it? It sounds like such hard work! Do you say, “I bought x today for our children. Now you owe me £x?”