AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

[FridayNightAtTheBronze]

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

My DH has a CC and I have a named one on the same account. Its a Barclaycard and I pay alltbe bills. I downloaded the app and do it through that rather than an online webpage if that makes sense?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl
He can't give me a decent explanation why he feels this way

Gambling, prostitutes, hidden debts. I'd bet money on one of those three!
Do you say the same about every woman on here who wants their personal accounts to stay private? I bet you don’t

Women aren’t men. Sorry if the way men behave upsets you, but they are far, far more likely to access a prostitute than a woman is.

Credit cards always have a primary card holder and then an additional card holder that doesn't get access to the credit card bill. Can a direct debit not be set up to either pay a set amount or to pay off the full balance?

He shouldn't be giving out his log in details anyway as that's against the T&Cs of the account

@LovelyGirlCompetition

Op. As you are thinking of remortgaging, it would be a very good idea to view both of your latest credit reports. This will show how many late payments are registered and show all debts against you. You can do this for free, don't pay, and will possibly answer some questions. Good luck.

I think that running a credit check on someone without their knowledge (if that is what you are advising) is extremely dodgy and may even be on shaky ground legally.

The OP or her husband need to set up a direct debit for the credit card payment, the husband is allowed to have a personal bank account and he's allowed privacy around that.

I have never, in all my years of using Mumsnet seen a female poster advised that she should let her husband see her personal bank account.

Some posters are trying to insinuate that OP's husband has something to hide based on the fact that he doesn't want her seeing his personal bank account which I think is horrific.

@FridayNightAtTheBronze

BillMasen

I've said many times that I don't want access to his personal account, I want the credit card paid. The best solution I could come up with was me doing it, which would have given me access to his personal account, but not something I actually wanted.

Marmite27

I might not be liable for any actual credit card debt, but unfortunately it does affect me. Our mortgage is based on his salary and credit score, as I'm not earning at the moment, so our best bet for a good rate is for him to have the best credit score possible.

I know, I didn’t mean you I meant some of the responses you’ve had.

@Naunet

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl He can't give me a decent explanation why he feels this way

Gambling, prostitutes, hidden debts. I'd bet money on one of those three!
Do you say the same about every woman on here who wants their personal accounts to stay private? I bet you don’t

Women aren’t men. Sorry if the way men behave upsets you, but they are far, far more likely to access a prostitute than a woman is.

I’m sure they are, but that doesn’t mean every man who wants privacy of finances (something I’m sure you’d advise a woman she’s entitled to) is hiding something!

Set up a Direct Debit to pay the minimum payment each month. What a palaver over nothing.

Financial privacy indeed! He is a married man with children... I’m afraid that ship sailed long ago.

People who need this kind of financial secrecy in a marriage are ALWAYS troubled personalities. There will be some entrenched insecurity - either that or he’s up to something dodgy. I could not abide this type of husband for two seconds. He has a wife at home looking after his children for god’s sake, yet he still feels the need to siphon off “his” money and keep you in the dark. Financial abuse in its most stark form. He is an utter disgrace. I’m so sorry.

I’m sure they are, but that doesn’t mean every man who wants privacy of finances (something I’m sure you’d advise a woman she’s entitled to) is hiding something!

No one said it did. We were talking about this one specific man, not all men.

@cosima8

Financial privacy indeed! He is a married man with children... I’m afraid that ship sailed long ago.

People who need this kind of financial secrecy in a marriage are ALWAYS troubled personalities. There will be some entrenched insecurity - either that or he’s up to something dodgy. I could not abide this type of husband for two seconds. He has a wife at home looking after his children for god’s sake, yet he still feels the need to siphon off “his” money and keep you in the dark. Financial abuse in its most stark form. He is an utter disgrace. I’m so sorry.

Are you kidding me? Would you say the same thing to me if my husband wanted to see my bank account?

It is not abusive to not want to share personal bank account details.

Credit cards are, as far as I know, never joint and in the name of 1 person even though there can be an additional card holder.

@Naunet

I’m sure they are, but that doesn’t mean every man who wants privacy of finances (something I’m sure you’d advise a woman she’s entitled to) is hiding something!

No one said it did. We were talking about this one specific man, not all men.

And what indication has he given that he’s up to no good? Other than wanting a bit of privacy of course

@cosima8

Financial privacy indeed! He is a married man with children... I’m afraid that ship sailed long ago.

People who need this kind of financial secrecy in a marriage are ALWAYS troubled personalities. There will be some entrenched insecurity - either that or he’s up to something dodgy. I could not abide this type of husband for two seconds. He has a wife at home looking after his children for god’s sake, yet he still feels the need to siphon off “his” money and keep you in the dark. Financial abuse in its most stark form. He is an utter disgrace. I’m so sorry.

Seriously? Ffs

So a married woman wanting privacy is a troubled personality, up to something dodgy and is abusive.

No? Just a man then

This is utterly insane

And what indication has he given that he’s up to no good? Other than wanting a bit of privacy of course

Maybe you don’t know how forums work, people post a problem, others speculate on it. I didn’t personally say anything about him being up to no good, so I can’t tell you why someone else might believe that he is. Maybe ask them rather than suggesting women should be judged in exactly the same way as men?

@SuperstoreFan It is not abusive to not want to share personal bank account details

It is when he is the sole earner and you are financially vulnerable because your child you agreed to have together has medical issues which are impacting the OP's ability to return to work. He is also fucking over their chances at a good mortgage deal with his forgetful behaviour, it impacts the OP.

I am a long term SAHM and have the same credit card situation with a Tesco credit card, Dh is the main card holder, I am the additional card holder. Dh set up a DD years ago so it pays the balance in full every month, no action required and not that hard to do. However, I have the log in for the credit card. Dh's wage is paid into the joint account so I can see it all.

@Naunet

And what indication has he given that he’s up to no good? Other than wanting a bit of privacy of course

Maybe you don’t know how forums work, people post a problem, others speculate on it. I didn’t personally say anything about him being up to no good, so I can’t tell you why someone else might believe that he is. Maybe ask them rather than suggesting women should be judged in exactly the same way as men?

I thought you had said he was but looking back it wasn’t you. Apologies I thought I was asking the person who said it

I broadly do think women should be judged the same as men though. Do you not?

I thought you had said he was but looking back it wasn’t you. Apologies I thought I was asking the person who said it

I broadly do think women should be judged the same as men though. Do you not?

Depends how broadly you mean I guess.

[quote SometimesALime]**@SuperstoreFan* It is not abusive to not want to share personal bank account details*

It is when he is the sole earner and you are financially vulnerable because your child you agreed to have together has medical issues which are impacting the OP's ability to return to work. He is also fucking over their chances at a good mortgage deal with his forgetful behaviour, it impacts the OP.

I am a long term SAHM and have the same credit card situation with a Tesco credit card, Dh is the main card holder, I am the additional card holder. Dh set up a DD years ago so it pays the balance in full every month, no action required and not that hard to do. However, I have the log in for the credit card. Dh's wage is paid into the joint account so I can see it all.[/quote]
I agree that he needs to set up a direct debit for the credit card but his wages are paid into the joint account so I don't understand why he's getting so much ire.

If my husband asked to see my bank account I'd tell him to fuck off.

I have my own money and I can spend it on what I damn well please without having to answer to him.

Open up a new credit account with a new provider.
Will still be in one persons (dh?) name but he could ahem share log on details with you and you wont be able to see his other nationwide accounts

Buffy

I don't think this degree of transparency is required. Yes, all family and joint bills and expenses should be transparent. Thus is how it is for us. Our personal accounts and spends are just that though. Personal. There are no bills that I would need to know about if DH fell under a bus, just his mobile phone and gym or coffee club subscription.

We spend money after bills, etc., on what ever we chose to spend money on, no judgement, no questions. I don't give a stuff what my husband spends money on and likewise him with me. Yes, I would need access should husband fall under a bus as he would with me.

The only thing I have to "hide", financially or otherwise, is that I've spent more on Glossier over the last 6 months than might be strictly sensible. Also how much DH's birthday presents cost me. But I still get to be a person with private thoughts and conversations. Just because we're married doesn't mean DH gets to read all my poetry or my tracking of my menstrual symptoms. Unless I say he can. Which I don't.

As I said earlier neither of us cares what the other choses to spend money on, each of us make our own decisions. We both still have private thoughts and conversations, why the hell wouldn't we just because we have access to each others phones and emails, we don't sit there routinely going through them it's available if and when necessary which it has been.

I do agree that especially in OP's situation as a SAHM that salaries and all major and joint bill information should be transparent and that this specific issue needs solving.

I agree, the OP is in a very difficult position, I think a lot more than this particular situation needs to be resolved though. There needs to be far more openness and transparency regarding their finances, the current situation is unfair and has a direct detrimental impact on the OP.

“So a married woman wanting privacy is a troubled personality, up to something dodgy and is abusive.”

Yes absolutely. Why would you want to keep your bank account secret from your own HUSBAND unless you were insecure in the relationship and saving to get out, or you had something else to hide?

As I said earlier neither of us cares what the other choses to spend money on, each of us make our own decisions. We both still have private thoughts and conversations, why the hell wouldn't we just because we have access to each others phones and emails, we don't sit there routinely going through them it's available if and when necessary which it has been.

Well, then, we're really quibbling on a word, aren't we? If DH needed something which was only on my phone, he'd ask me and I'd say yes. But he can't just pick up my phone and start reading through it. If what you mean is that you could pick up his phone and start reading through it but you'd voluntarily choose not to read his personal correspondence or his diary then fine, but arguably that's not "complete transparency", you have areas you quite reasonably don't go and where your DH might legitimately be annoyed if you did.

I don't care what DH spends his personal budget on, but his account is still his business and I would not ask to see it. If he falls under a bus, his subscription to the British Journal of Photography is the least of my worries and they can go swivel.

@cosima8

“So a married woman wanting privacy is a troubled personality, up to something dodgy and is abusive.”

Yes absolutely. Why would you want to keep your bank account secret from your own HUSBAND unless you were insecure in the relationship and saving to get out, or you had something else to hide?

Because I don't want DH saying, "You spend how much on your hair!?", and he doesn't want me saying, "You took how many Ubers home?!"

“Because I don't want DH saying, "You spend how much on your hair!?", and he doesn't want me saying, "You took how many Ubers home?!"

Ok, but the fact is, you are spending £x on your hair and he’s is getting his Uber’s home. Regardless of whether you see this or not, the money is going the same way. So why hide money and pretend it’s not?

Because it's not hidden. Both of us have £X as our personal allowance and this is an equal sum monthly. That aspect is completely transparent. Once it's transferred to our personal accounts, we're not accountable to the other for what we spend it on within that limit. I have no reason to ask or to know other than sheer nosiness, but if I did look, I would naturally have opinions, because duh we're different people with different priorities. So we don't look, so we get to make those decisions freely and without criticism or oversight.