AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

[FridayNightAtTheBronze]

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

@cosima8

But when you have children together, how can it work with “financial privacy?” For instance, if you’re booking a family holiday, how do you know how much the other is prepared to pay? If the kids need any one of the million things kids need, how do you decide who buys it? It sounds like such hard work! Do you say, “I bought x today for our children. Now you owe me £x?”

...no, because all of those are joint expenses, so we pay them from the joint account or joint savings after we've discussed and agreed them. (Specifically in the case of holidays, we have a joint savings account just for that into which we save an agreed account monthly. So then we book a holiday we both like which the amount in that account will pay for.)

My money in my account covers things that are both optional and just for me.

You seem to be taking a very black and white view of this. The law has no trouble confirming that "mine" and "yours" continue to exist alongside "ours" after marriage.

Some married people do it the way you suggested as well, and that's fine for them.

@cosima8 are you genuinely telling every woman here that they have no right to their own finances, everything must be shared and their husband has the right to total visibility of everything they spend?

BillMasen - yes. Of course a husband should have visibility of his wife’s finances and vice versa .

The only circumstance I could think of for needing “my own” money is if I was secretly stashing money somewhere in preparation to leave him!

But assuming I’m not leaving him and he’s not abusive, what’s the actual issue? It all goes the same way anyway, regardless of whether you keep it secret or not.

Why do you need access to the credit card account to pay it? Can't you just pay it from your joint account?
We have the same set up as you, I pay the credit card bill via online banking. If anything goes wrong DH would have to speak to them, but not for payments.
If the problem is that you don't know how much it is switch back to paper bills,
( if DH is bad at remembering is there any chance he will just mentally file it as done if you set up a DD?)

As previous poster said. From the joint account you do have access to you can 'send' a payment to the credit card every month. You do not have to ask the credit card to 'take' it. so you can manage it yourself and avoid late payment and charge.

Although i do understand that that is not the point.

@cosima8 in the examples you give they’re family expenses so come out of the joint account.

If I decide to buy something for “the family” out of my money that’s my choice. I neither expect my DH to contribute or take his “turn”.

The only circumstance I could think of for needing “my own” money is if I was secretly stashing money somewhere in preparation to leave him!

You can't think of any circumstance in which you might want to save money just for you? For a holiday for you, or a course, or a treat of any kind? Or any way that it could possibly go wrong, if the lower-earning and physically smaller half of a couple had no ability to hold assets solely in her own name or to make independent decisions about a single penny?

Sorry, I really don’t mean to sound obtuse, but I am intrigued as to what kind of things “personal accounts” cover.

If you’re in the supermarket and you’re buying Tampax or your own personal brand of shampoo, etc etc - would that be personal money or family money?

Isn’t it obvious what your “personal money” buys anyway because whether he sees it coming out of the account or not, he would definitely see it when you bring it home- “oh look the wardrobe is full of shoes.., “

Similarly, if your husband spends money on some gadgets or whatever, you would know this was his spending habit as you house / garage would be full of all that bric-a-brac. If it bothered you, you could just Google and see how much he must be spending.

It’s obvious women, in general, spend more money in chemists or having their hair done etc. That’s just life. No need for personal accounts to disguise this type of thing. Men may well spend more on other things, but you would know that anyway because you live with him

If I wanted to go on a holiday or do a course, I’d just weigh up whether I think it’s reasonable and then book it. DH does the same. We don’t all need to benefit from something in order for it to come out of “family money.”

@dementedpixie Ah, I must have a different type of credit card to the OP then as it definitely shows on both our online banking.

@cosima8

It’s in the wedding vows - “With all my worldly goods I the endow... “ (or something like that).

It’s not “With all my worldly goods I thee endow.., except MY bank account because that’s MINE and PRIVATE and you’re not seeing that ever ... until death us do part (when you may or may not be given access to MY oh so private funds).”

I don’t know why some people bother getting married at all. I couldn’t be doing with it.

U do know people can chose their own vows?!

1. he can set you up as a disclosure of authority on the credit card so you can call and discuss the account despite it not being in your name. You can't make any charges to the account but you can talk about all aspects
2. 4/5 missed payments in a year is going to massively impact the ability for getting a decent mortgage
3. there's no excuse for him not having a direct debit set up

His behaviour indicates to me that he's got other financial issues he's hiding from you. I'd be very, very concerned if I were OK your shoes

Isn’t it obvious what your “personal money” buys anyway because whether he sees it coming out of the account or not, he would definitely see it when you bring it home- “oh look the wardrobe is full of shoes.., “ grin

DH has no idea what the things I buy cost. So whilst he might notice a new pair of shoes (although I doubt it) he has no idea whether I’ve spent £60 or £600.

He doesn’t know I have Botox never mind the cost and would likely be shocked at my magazine and chocolate habit.

I suspect I don’t know the true cost of his bikes.

@cosima8

“I pay all the bills, do all the online banking etc at DH's request BUT it's all from his bank account. We've been together for almost 20 years but he still won't let us have a joint account. For him it's not about 'financial privacy', clearly, so I don't know what it is. He's the only earner (I'm disabled and have no income). I hate using his bank card in shops but he point blank refuses to let me have one of my own.”

But how can he stop you having your own card? What is the point of that? Supposing you need to get a taxi or, I don’t know, anything in an emergency? What happens then? I can’t believe you’ve lived like this for 20 years .

I’m a SAHM to and we both have cards to the same joint account. We also each have Pleo cards. All savings and investment accounts are in both names and all properties. You can also set up Apple Pay now so even if I’ve left my card at home, I just use my phone. I couldn’t imagine having to ask my DH to use his card. This is shocking actually.

For me to have my own card it'd have to be a joint account and he won't let me have one with him.

I think DH once noticed a payment for a clinic on the statement and wondered what it was (it was Botox and a touch of Rejuvaderm ). I just said it was a kind of facial. Now he doesn’t ask. I don’t care about his bikes and trips and car racing, so there’s no way he would question my purchases!

“For me to have my own card it'd have to be a joint account and he won't let me have one with him.”

I’m really sorry. He sounds very controlling and also peculiar.

@cosima8

“For me to have my own card it'd have to be a joint account and he won't let me have one with him.”

I’m really sorry. He sounds very controlling and also peculiar.

Thing is I have full access to all his online accounts and I deal with all the bills/CCs/banking etc. I carry his card in my purse and I do all the budgeting, and know what's in all his accounts better than he does. He has no interest in any of it. But put me on the account officially? Nope.

In fact he's hinted in the past that he thinks I'm controlling because I always have his card. He tells me to keep it in my purse as I need it to do shopping, pay bills and so on, so he says it's easier if I keep it with me. Until he doesn't like that it's with me! It's very confusing.

It does sound very confusing! What does he himself do for money in the day then, if you have the one and only card?

Maybe he has anxieties relating to his childhood or something like that? Maybe he’s worried you’ll leave him if you have a card?

@cosima8

It does sound very confusing! What does he himself do for money in the day then, if you have the one and only card?

Maybe he has anxieties relating to his childhood or something like that? Maybe he’s worried you’ll leave him if you have a card?

He doesn't spend money during the day (when he was going out to work, he's wfh since last March). He used to have a bus pass and he never eats lunch so didn't need money for that. If he had to take cash in for a collection he'd ask me to take it out of his bank for him to take in next day.

I've no idea what his reasons are but all I know is, it'd be so much easier if we both had a card. If anything happened to him I'd be fucked, I'd have no access to our money.