AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

[FridayNightAtTheBronze]

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

He can't give me a decent explanation why he feels this way

Gambling, prostitutes, hidden debts. I'd bet money on one of those three!

Either that, or he has more money than he leads you to believe, so that in the event of any future split he'll try to hide his assets. His irresponsible behaviour with the payments probably points to the former though..

@JungleIsMassive

Your married. Have children. Live in the same house. What on earth is financial privacy? It doesn't make sense in my head.

He's being an idiot. He wants to have financial privacy from his wife? The mother of his children? There person he shares a life with, a bed, bodily fluids?!! It's so strange to me.

He's either hiding something or wants to feel in complete control. But he's not in control as he's letting bills go unpaid. Losing money when he doesn't have too.

Can you set up a direct debit to come out each month?

Then have a serious talk with him about what an arse he is being! I'm a SAHM too and I have full access and full disclose of all money. Its my money too! In fact DH basically has nothing to do with our accounts because he can't be arsed! I could have a gambling problem or spend money on crap and he wouldn't know.
We trust each other.

He needs to trust you.

I’m going to assume you wouldn’t be telling a woman on here who wants her accounts to be private she’s an idiot and an arse and should not have financial privacy?

JungleIsMassive

I agree with the whole of your post. When I pressed him about me having access to the account, he just kept saying 'people shouldn't share their bank details with anyone else'. Regardless of being married and sharing a mortgage and children. It is ridiculous.

Why isn't there a DD for the minimum payment?

@BarbaraofSeville

Yes he's a controlling hypocrite and you are also not being unreasonable to be annoyed at his financial mismanagement. Multiple missed credit card payments could well scupper your chances to get another mortgage deal.

He needs to set up a direct debit for at least the minimum payment. Missing payments and being charged is just a waste of money that is easily avoided so inexcusable.

A compromise on the banking front would be to pay all bills and joint costs from a joint account that you can access and have a credit card issued from that bank. However, there is no such thing as a joint credit card, so you probably can't get round being able to see the credit card statement, but if you can see the joint bills account, you will be able to see that the payment has gone from there.

If he wants financial privacy, he should set up a separate spends account. In fact, you should both have one of these for your own personal spending, funded by equal amounts from the joint account and it is fine to keep that private. If he's likely to overspend, it should be an account that can't go overdrawn, eg Starling without an overdraft - if you run out of money, you can't spend without applying for an overdraft.

It is his personal account he wants to be private. They have a joint account the op has access to

He still a controlling hypocrite?

I think there are two separate issues, the late payments, and privacy.

Privacy, treat him as he treats you eg no access, passwords etc.

Bank account, if he doesn't want you to have access, what is his solution? As just remembering to pay it off isnt working so he needs to do something different.

Are you worried he has something to hide or just pissed off at his different rules for different people?

@FridayNightAtTheBronze

JungleIsMassive

I agree with the whole of your post. When I pressed him about me having access to the account, he just kept saying 'people shouldn't share their bank details with anyone else'. Regardless of being married and sharing a mortgage and children. It is ridiculous.

Does he have access to your personal account?

I’m going to assume you wouldn’t be telling a woman on here who wants her accounts to be private she’s an idiot and an arse and should not have financial privacy?

The sex of the spouse has nothing to do with it. I would never hide money from my husband I wouldn't expect him to do it to me.

I do realise that I am only stating my opinion on what I would expect from my marriage.

Full disclosure, no secret money and complete trust.
I just can't imagine not sharing money with my husband!

BarbaraofSeville

All good advice thank you.

The remortgaging is stressing me out, as I worry that the late fees could affect this.

Two issues here. I think it's fair enough that DH doesn't want you to see his personal account. If the issue is just the credit card not being paid, then just get him to set up a direct debit and then no one needs to think about it.

I don't think adults should look at each others' phones unless this is something that you've agreed is acceptable within your relationship.
So if it's not acceptable to you, you need to make this clear.

@JungleIsMassive

I’m going to assume you wouldn’t be telling a woman on here who wants her accounts to be private she’s an idiot and an arse and should not have financial privacy?

The sex of the spouse has nothing to do with it. I would never hide money from my husband I wouldn't expect him to do it to me.

I do realise that I am only stating my opinion on what I would expect from my marriage.

Full disclosure, no secret money and complete trust.
I just can't imagine not sharing money with my husband!

Tats fair enough. I know there are a lot of threads where the woman is told se has a right to her own account and her partner has no right to see it. I guess I’m surprised you don’t believe that

The problem is that his errors are penalising both of you for something you have no control over. That’s deeply unfair. Can’t he see that?

BillMasen

Does he have access to your personal account?

He doesn't. However, I don't want access to his personal account, just the credit card. But if I have access to the credit card, it automatically gives me access to his personal account which is where the problem lies (from his point of view).

UnkindlyMay

The problem is that his errors are penalising both of you for something you have no control over. That’s deeply unfair. Can’t he see that?

This sums up exactly how I feel. And no, he can't see that.

I'd be very concerned about the constant forgetting to pay a credit card bill once a month. It's not exactly rocket science.

He sounds financially irresponsible.

@FridayNightAtTheBronze

BillMasen

Does he have access to your personal account?

He doesn't. However, I don't want access to his personal account, just the credit card. But if I have access to the credit card, it automatically gives me access to his personal account which is where the problem lies (from his point of view).

Right

I understand the issue but it’s not fair to call him a hypocrite. He wants te same privacy you have but the cc issue would mean giving that up. He’s right to say that’s not fair

What on earth was he going on your phone for? Me and my partner are open with each other, he knows my phone password but he wouldn't sneak on my phone while I'm asleep. There is rarely any need to go on each other's phones, not to just have a snoop when we fancy!

My partner doesn't have access to my bank accounts, but I'd let him in a situation that required it such as yours, he's seen my bank accounts before and I have nothing to hide, and vice versa. We consider it all to be our shared money anyway. Your husband's reaction makes me think that he is hiding money troubles, especially as he has missed paying the credit card. Is it that hard for him to set up a direct debit to pay it off each month? I could be wrong of course, but if I were you I'd definitely be suspicious.

I'd also advise against only banking with one bank. Even if there are issues with their systems for one day it can cause a real headache for you, never mind all the other risks.

Not paying the cc is unacceptable and needs resolving but it’s separate issue. Be annoyed about that, not a reasonable wish for privacy

You don't need online access to pay the credit card bill - get paper statements and you can pay each month using the details

So he needs to open a separate personal account with another bank.

But I don't think you're going to be able to see his credit card unless you use his log in, because it's in his name, with you as a second card holder as distinct from a true joint card.

Even if it was with the same bank as the joint account, it wouldn't be visible when you log in as you.

He also needs to sort out his finances so he's not unnecessarily wasting money on charges. And if he does get charges, the need to come out of his personal spending money, not family money.

But it sounds like you need to take the lead with managing household finances, because he's clearly making a mess of it, and that affects both of you. If he's not going to do it properly, it's probably a lot less stressful all round to just do it yourself. I know it's yet more for the OP to do, but with money, it's often the only way you're not constantly going to be in a mess with finances.

DrinkFeckArseBrick

Bank account, if he doesn't want you to have access, what is his solution? As just remembering to pay it off isnt working so he needs to do something different.

There is no solution, except maybe convincing him to do a regular direct debit, will speak to him about that.

His solution was that he would remember. I pointed out we have already tried that and he hasn't.

I tried setting up a regular reminder on his work calendar a few days before the payment was due, but he muted the reminder when it went off and then forgot to pay the bill so that doesn't work either.

I don't understand why he thinks that you'd need to see all his accounts if you had access to a credit card account? He sounds financially illiterate. A credit card is a separate account from a personal debit account. He can get statements from the credit card account printed and sent.

Tats fair enough. I know there are a lot of threads where the woman is told se has a right to her own account and her partner has no right to see it. I guess I’m surprised you don’t believe that

If both parties are happy with private bank accounts then that's fine of course.
These are things you talk about before marriage and children.
We discussed how we wanted to live before we moved in together. We were both in agreement. And for us it has worked.

Anyway OP.
Try and persuade DH to set up a DD to pay off the credit card. Then there are no late fees to pay.
Have a talk about eath other boundaries again and try and come together as a team to decide how you want to carry on with financial privacy.

Paper statements is also a good idea. With the push for everything being online, and the convenience this can offer, I'd forgotten that this isn't always the best option and might not work for everyone.

DonGray

59DonGray

You don't need online access to pay the credit card bill - get paper statements and you can pay each month using the details

We are currently paperless. Getting paper statements requires him to speak to the bank which he doesn't want to do. Nationwide already refused to speak to me at all about the actual account as it's in his name despite me having my own card to it.