AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

[FridayNightAtTheBronze]

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

OP,

He is dishonest and controlling.

Why are you getting a new morgage?

If it's moving, rethink it.

I read a story on a site that was about a woman in a controlling relationship with a mean husband.
He was all show.
They were moving to a bigger house and sold their home for a premium.

The minute their house was sold she served him divorce papers and the whole business with splitting assets was easier.

He was furious at her actions but she knew he would have delayed and frustrated the proccess of dividing of assets.

The house being sold was the perfect time to serve him.

Be very wary of getting into more debt with a controlling, dishonesty, shifty man.

I seem to be an oddity on MN. Husband and I both have full access to each other's bank accounts, phones, e-mail, everything. Firstly because we trust one another, are a partnership and have nothing to hide and secondly because we both know through experience how life can suddenly change and how you can be completely stuffed if you don't have access to those things.

I tend to manage the finances and admin but we are both aware of what's coming in and going out because we talk to each other and make decisions together.

MsVestibule

When we were discussing other options, I got a general response from him of "We're not changing anything, I'll remember from now on." I really just got shut down and he didn't want to discuss it. But I'm going to press him on the direct debit/standing order option tonight, and will find out if it's something I can just do myself if he's not open to it.

The problem is that unless I know how much is on the credit card I don't know how much to pay off. If the amount goes up then the minimum payment goes up too surely? But paying off something is better than nothing.

Well I agree about the hypocrisy of wanting to protect his privacy but him then having no issue looking through/using your phone wo asking you.
He is afterall potentially accessing a lot of private information you might want to keep private (eg txts messages) just like you could access private stuff in his bank account.

Re the CC
I’m in the same situation than you. We have our ‘main’ CC under DH name so I don’t have access to it.
However, I also see your DH pov that his account is his. I know there has been many spends I have done on my account rather than the joint account because dh tends to be ‘frugal’ and me not as much (think replacing trainers with a hole in there ...). It just avoided the hassle of the big signs etc... looking at the CC.
Since then, I’ve been much more ‘protective’ on that privacy.

The flip side of the coin though is that YOUR DH needs to sort this issue out as clearly payment is HIS responsibility by default.
The reason why the reminder didn’t work is because he dint chose to do it so any solution has to come from him.
Does he realise the impact the later payments could have on your mortgage?or the total cost in the year forgetting means?
Sometimes, raw numbers works better than ‘but you were supposed to do that/I feel it’s an issue because’ etc...

@FridayNightAtTheBronze

MsVestibule

When we were discussing other options, I got a general response from him of "We're not changing anything, I'll remember from now on." I really just got shut down and he didn't want to discuss it. But I'm going to press him on the direct debit/standing order option tonight, and will find out if it's something I can just do myself if he's not open to it.

The problem is that unless I know how much is on the credit card I don't know how much to pay off. If the amount goes up then the minimum payment goes up too surely? But paying off something is better than nothing.

No the direct debit will be put to the total amount and will automatically adjust to what is due. Unless you decide to modify it.

billy1966

The mortgage is up for renewal, it was on a 5 year fixed term, which expires this year, then it moves onto a variable rate, so the idea was to look for another decent fixed rate. We definitely aren't moving anytime soon.

@BronwenFrideswide

I seem to be an oddity on MN. Husband and I both have full access to each other's bank accounts, phones, e-mail, everything. Firstly because we trust one another, are a partnership and have nothing to hide and secondly because we both know through experience how life can suddenly change and how you can be completely stuffed if you don't have access to those things.

I tend to manage the finances and admin but we are both aware of what's coming in and going out because we talk to each other and make decisions together.

I think that’s what healthy relationship should look like tbh,

Min isn’t.

@FridayNightAtTheBronze Hi OP if you haven't already called Nationwide or they said no to the direct debit, you should be able to set up a standing order from your account for a payment to cover at least the monthly minimum payment using the following details:

Enter the payment details. These are: sort code 073012, account number 00001604, your 16-digit credit card number as the reference

Completely different scenario to you but my mum set this up for my brother's Nationwide credit card when he was too ill to manage his own finances.

DreamingNow

Thanks, looks like a direct debit is the best option.

Ednafrommooneyponds

Am calling Nationwide today to discuss it.

You can get the dd to pay off either the full amount outstanding, or the minimum payment. It adjusts to whatever that is.

@BronwenFrideswide

I seem to be an oddity on MN. Husband and I both have full access to each other's bank accounts, phones, e-mail, everything. Firstly because we trust one another, are a partnership and have nothing to hide and secondly because we both know through experience how life can suddenly change and how you can be completely stuffed if you don't have access to those things.

I tend to manage the finances and admin but we are both aware of what's coming in and going out because we talk to each other and make decisions together.

I don't think this degree of transparency is required. Yes, all family and joint bills and expenses should be transparent. Thus is how it is for us. Our personal accounts and spends are just that though. Personal. There are no bills that I would need to know about if DH fell under a bus, just his mobile phone and gym or coffee club subscription.

The only thing I have to "hide", financially or otherwise, is that I've spent more on Glossier over the last 6 months than might be strictly sensible. Also how much DH's birthday presents cost me. But I still get to be a person with private thoughts and conversations. Just because we're married doesn't mean DH gets to read all my poetry or my tracking of my menstrual symptoms. Unless I say he can. Which I don't.

I do agree that especially in OP's situation as a SAHM that salaries and all major and joint bill information should be transparent and that this specific issue needs solving.

Won’t you need to send three months each of bank statements when you apply to remortgage? Plus your credit files? We’re remortgaging and although I don’t have or want access to my fiancée’s bank account (she doesn’t want access to mine either) we both saw each other’s credit files and bank statements as we had to email them to our mortgage broker when we applied to remortgage.

Or is he handling all that and going to refuse to let you see them? If it’s the latter I would be very concerned, in a way I can understand him not wanting you to have constant access to his bank accounts, but if he won’t even let you see his statements or credit report those are huge red flags imo.

I find it incredibly odd that he won't set up a DD and he's so cagey about his 'financial privacy'

We have complete access to a joint account and credit cards. Occasionally I tell DH off for having too many coffees out or over spending in the pub but in an equal non abusive partnership I struggle to see what he's scared of you seeing?!

This would drive me nuts! In your situation I'd just set up the credit card payee and make monthly payments..... I gather you've a rough estimate on how much is owed? Or could this be the issue, is he spending on it and not telling you?

Is your set up, that you have equal fun money spends in your own personal accounts but everything house/kids related comes out the joint?

I get financial privacy but in a "secure and happy" marriage this shouldn't be an issue.

@FridayNightAtTheBronze

JungleIsMassive

I agree with the whole of your post. When I pressed him about me having access to the account, he just kept saying 'people shouldn't share their bank details with anyone else'. Regardless of being married and sharing a mortgage and children. It is ridiculous.

From a banks point of view, you shouldn’t let anyone access your personal log ons.

If you do, and fraud occurs on your account, then the bank find out you’ve let someone else log on using your details you’ll be liable for the fraud. I used to take head office complaints for a bank, I’ve seen it happen.

A direct debit for either the full or minimum payments from the joint account would cover the missed payment issue.

You don’t need access to the account to pay it, just the card /account number, amount due and date due. These should appear on a paper statement. If they’ve been turned off, turn them back on again so you can deal with the account that way.

The problem here is that the credit card has to be in one person's name. Both my husband and myself hold joint credit cards, but I am the named cardholder. He has no access to bills. We have private personal accounts which neither of us want to poke around in.

We have a rough idea of each other savings, but no access to each other's accounts.

Your husband needs to set up a direct debit for the minimum payment.

My husband is welcome to my phone though and I to his.

@Lennon80

‘Financial privacy’ - he’s spending money on things he doesn’t want you to know about. I’d be wanting to see all bank statements for the duration given this - if you are married you are entitled to access all JOINT finances ie everything!

Really? Every woman who posts on here that they have their own account needs to let their partner see it?? I very much doubt you’d say that..

@Ozanj

Contact Nationwide (email the CEO, Joe Garner) and tell him you have concerns. It is absolutely ridiculous that they have you as a cardholder, your DH’s poor track record is affecting your credit history, but won’t allow you to log in to manage it.

Make it clear if they won’t fix it that you want your name off the card, and the late payments off your credit history (they can do this).

Joe Garner’s a decent bloke (used to work at the same company), but don’t let him make any decorating choices, he’s colour blind and you may end up with bright pink sofas . Joe won’t be able to do anything about this, as the account isn’t in your name and it would be a breach of GDPR.

Credit cards are quite old fashioned, they are issued in one persons name (primary or principal card holder) and allow for that person to designate a secondary cardholder to use the account.

The secondary card holder isn’t liable for any of the debt (unlike a true joint account which has several and joint liability - both parties liable for the full amount of the other party refuses to pay for any reason), so the charges shouldn’t effect the second so card holders credit file. The secondary card holder is also unable to access the account, so is unable to set up a direct debit, as that’s only something the cardholder can do.

I’ve never heard of a true joint credit card, but I’ve always worked for traditional financial companies, the go tech companies may well have them now.

Fintech not go tech

Have I stumbled into some parallel universe where any man who wants his personal bank account to remain private is clearly in debt, gambling, using prostitues and a controlling abuser!

Literally every thread on here about finances contains advice fr the woman to have her own account (in addition to any joint ones) which is private.

His want for privacy is fine. Actually it’s great. Sort out the cc problem yes but him wanting privacy is not controlling, or hypocritical.

Ffs some posters on this site are ridiculous

@DulseSeaweed

I find it incredibly odd that he won't set up a DD and he's so cagey about his 'financial privacy'

We have complete access to a joint account and credit cards. Occasionally I tell DH off for having too many coffees out or over spending in the pub but in an equal non abusive partnership I struggle to see what he's scared of you seeing?!

“My husband wants to see what I spend out of my personal, not joint, account”

“What are you scared of him seeing, what are you hiding? Are you in debt?”

Like fuck would that be the response on here

BillMasen

I've said many times that I don't want access to his personal account, I want the credit card paid. The best solution I could come up with was me doing it, which would have given me access to his personal account, but not something I actually wanted.

Marmite27

I might not be liable for any actual credit card debt, but unfortunately it does affect me. Our mortgage is based on his salary and credit score, as I'm not earning at the moment, so our best bet for a good rate is for him to have the best credit score possible.

Op. As you are thinking of remortgaging, it would be a very good idea to view both of your latest credit reports. This will show how many late payments are registered and show all debts against you. You can do this for free, don't pay, and will possibly answer some questions. Good luck.

LovelyGirlCompetition

I did a free Experian one for me this morning, mine is 999 which isn't surprising as I'm great with money. My husband has said he will do one for himself tonight so we can see what impact the late payments have had. I will actually sit next to him and make sure he does it, no doubt it will be lower than mine. I don't know if the most recent late payment will show up yet though.