AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

[FridayNightAtTheBronze]

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

He can switch back to paper online - no need to call the bank

He should be able to select paper statements from within his online banking. He's just making excuses.

He needs to step up and run things properly or facilitate you being able to manage the household finances.

Carrying on as you are is not an option.

Of course anyone has a right to a private bank account if they wish. But in a trusting, non abusive relationship where there is no reason to hide anything- what is the actual need for it?

Power imbalances have to be taken into account. There are red flags in what the OP is describing here.

BarbaraofSeville

You're right, I can only see the credit card with his log in, and that's why he's saying no. I wouldn't even be asking if he actually remembered to pay it.

I am trying to take responsibility for as many of the household bills as possible. Am finding this difficult as it's his wage and most of the bills and accounts are in his name, so he deals with renewals (water, gas, sky etc). The companies don't deal with me without his permission as I'm not on the accounts. Changing these to my name requires his co-operation, which I don't have.

DonGray

He can switch back to paper online - no need to call the bank

This requires action on his part, I can't do it. He wants to carry on as we are.

Oh, how frustrating. I bet you're paying a fortune for Sky and unable to do anything about it too?

Sorry but he's straight up lying to you about having to call the bank to change to paper statements.

Your married. Have children. Live in the same house. What on earth is financial privacy?

Well, for me, it's my personal account being my personal account. We have a joint account we both get paid into and both have full access to, then a personal spends budget is transferred to our personal accounts and what I do with that - spend it, save it, buy presents for DH, spunk it up the wall - is up to me. I wouldn't care for DH having oversight of my personal accounts just because they are my business. But I also wouldn't just go on his phone without his permission.

That said, in the situation the OP describes, I would expect to have full access to the joint account and for him to be paid into it, and I would expect that the problem of late fees needs to be solved, either by switching the credit card into OP's name or the H switching his personal account to another provider.

Octopuscake

In order to view the credit card account online, I would have to use his log in. When you log in, it brings up all your accounts. We only bank with one bank, so when either of us logs in everything is visible.

Under my log in I have access to:
My personal account
Our joint account
Our mortgage

His log in gives access to:
His personal account
Our joint account
Our mortgage
The credit card

Hope this makes sense. So yes, to have access to the credit card account online I would also have the ability to see his personal account.

BarbaraofSeville

Yes, the direct debits are higher than they could be. I would hunt around for deals and he doesn't.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Your married. Have children. Live in the same house. What on earth is financial privacy?

Well, for me, it's my personal account being my personal account. We have a joint account we both get paid into and both have full access to, then a personal spends budget is transferred to our personal accounts and what I do with that - spend it, save it, buy presents for DH, spunk it up the wall - is up to me. I wouldn't care for DH having oversight of my personal accounts just because they are my business. But I also wouldn't just go on his phone without his permission.

That said, in the situation the OP describes, I would expect to have full access to the joint account and for him to be paid into it, and I would expect that the problem of late fees needs to be solved, either by switching the credit card into OP's name or the H switching his personal account to another provider.

They have a joint account which she has access too!

Really (not) surprised at the number of posters saying he has no right to any financial privacy yet also calling him controlling

Everyone has the right to privacy.

They need to find a solution to the cc issue that doesn’t involve him surrendering his

Leaving aside the bank/phone argument, can you withdraw cash from current account and lodge at the ATM using your credit card as a solution to the late payment situation?

@FridayNightAtTheBronze

DonGray

He can switch back to paper online - no need to call the bank

This requires action on his part, I can't do it. He wants to carry on as we are.

But why?

He's clearly not interested in managing the household budget effectively.

You mention not being able to afford the bank charges. Even if you could, they're just a criminal waste of money seeing as you don't actually see anything for it. It's not like you get to have nice coffees, a fancy phone or anything else that people spend money on that's not strictly necessary. Just money down the drain for no reason at all except his pig headedness.

I think I would become a walking talking version of Martin Lewis's female sidekick.

'Did you know we could save £200 a year on our utilities? You just need to transfer the account into my name and I'll sort it all out.

Did you know if we threaten to cancel Sky, we can get the same service for £30 a month less? That's another £360 a year saved. Just transfer the account into my name and I'll sort it all out.

Etc etc etc.

@Besom

Of course anyone has a right to a private bank account if they wish. But in a trusting, non abusive relationship where there is no reason to hide anything- what is the actual need for it?

Power imbalances have to be taken into account. There are red flags in what the OP is describing here.

The joint account (which both partners have access to) plus separate personal accounts (which only the individual has access to) is one of the ways that is generally encouraged as a "good way" to set up your finances on MN. Normally because it allows individuals a certain amount of autonomy over how they spend their money without it having to be joint money which is scrutinised. I have the exactly this financial set-up in my relationship. I expect if I asked to see my DH's account he would show me (as I would show him mine) but I don't actually care that much. I have access to the joint account where the bulk of our combined salaries go, so no power imbalance.

The OP's DH is quite right that you shouldn't share your personal bank details with anyone else - even your spouse! If fraud is suspected at any time, the fact that someone else knew your details would cause issues.

@Freecuthbert

Sorry but he's straight up lying to you about having to call the bank to change to paper statements.

I'd have to ring my bank if I wanted to change to paper statements. Many banks have withdrawn this as an option unless you have a particular need.

The answer is to get rid of the credit card, and get all bills in both of your names. But, you can't do any of that without his input.

Have you looked up your credit score? Do you think he's in debt that you don't know about?

I can understand that he wants his personal account to be private.

There had to be a way though that you can each have a private account and then both have accounts that are joint for the joint expenditures and can be equally accessed by both of you.

It sounds like you need an overhaul. I'd ask him to book a day off work and you both sit and sort this out.

He opens a new account with a new bank. That's his personal account. His wages go into the joint account. You leave enough in there to pay for everything. You both get spends paid into your private accounts from that joint Acct. At the same time as sorting all this, he calls all of the companies and puts all of the bills into joint names.

Missed your update OP, sounds like we're on the same page.

But of course he's allowed financial privacy. But not at the detriment of the family budget.

If he wants his own personal private spends, he can open a new account with a separate bank. He could do it via his phone with barely any effort at all.

It's not a good idea to have all your accounts with the same bank anyway because they have issues occasionally and then people are stuck without money. This happened to Santander last weekend, it's also happened to other banks in the past.

People were on the news saying they couldn't buy food or put petrol in their car so they couldn't get to work so lost a day's wages. Because they had all their eggs in one basket and not put a simple contingency in place.

I must be the exception because I have no wish to look at my husband’s phone or bank account and he certainly doesn’t expect to see mine. He’s been financially irresponsible in the past and no, I wouldn’t trust him. I have always been the higher earner, paid for virtually everything and kept us afloat.

I understand why he can’t let OP see the credit card account online but surely she can set up a direct debit from the joint account as already suggested?

God, this would drive me insane. He's costing you more money each month with not paying the cc bill and also not getting the best deals on utilities. Has he got tons of money so doesn't have to worry about such things?
The default on your cc bill will affect your credit record too. Tell him that.

I expect if I asked to see my DH's account he would show me (as I would show him mine) but I don't actually care that much.

I'm not sure I would, tbh. I don't have anything to hide, but I do feel that within the scope of my money, I don't have to tell anyone how much I spend on clothes or going out or coffee, or how much I have in personal savings. But also DH wouldn't ask, because he would have no reason to and I'm quite sure he doesn't want me knowing how much he spends on comics.

I can’t imagine being with someone so immature!
I would be setting a reminder and making him physically pay the bill and show me but
I honestly think I’d struggle to stay with someone like this.
I can get not having access to him accounts (altho think he’s got a lot of excuses)
I’d almost bet money on their being a much bigger debt and he’s worried about you finding out

And the late fees could jeopardise your mortgage which isn’t fair on any of you!
I’d stop using the credit card, take out one in your own name and just sort your own one out. Your own bank might offer you a credit card without the credit score so you could do that without impacting your remortgage

Late payments on a credit card aren't going to help with a remortgage. And by being married to him and sharing financial accounts he's also dragging your credit record down with him.

DD as a minimum to avoid late fees, you can always pay more once the minimum has been paid.

BarbaraofSeville

If he's refusing to change how we do anything, there really seems little I can do except talk to him and try to convince him to do things in a different way. Accounts are in his name and I actually have very little control in this situation, unless he decides to agree.

He is currently very defensive about it all. He's also stubborn and the more I try to get him to change how we do things, the more he digs his heels in. Things like getting him to change accounts to my name seem simple in theory, but actually getting him to do this is difficult.

He could also move his wage into his personal account instead, and then I am even more stuck. I know this is not an ideal situation, and when we discussed me being a SAHM, this wasn't how we planned it to be. We also had the unexpected situation of a sick child, otherwise I would be back at work by now.

Would the bank let YOU set up a monthly direct debit for the credit card on your joint bank account? You are not asking them for any details (avoiding gdpr issue), and surely you have the credit card details needed as you have a card in your name. And both you and your husband are named on the joint account that the direct debit is being set up on.
This would at least pay the minimum amount and stop late payment fees.

DH and I have no shared money or debt except our mortgage. Everything is kept separate, bills get paid, contracts get shifted to get better deals. We never talk about money, never argue about money.
DSiL lived like you do OP. £100k went on prostitutes over a 25 yr period. Just saying.