AIBU- my husband is being a hypocrite regarding access to eachother's phones and bank accounts

[FridayNightAtTheBronze]

Hello, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation with my husband as it is causing some problems and I can't tell if I am being unreasonable or not...

My husband and I have a joint credit card. It's in his name, but I am a card holder and I have my own card in my name so we both use the account to buy things for the house and children. It's usually used only for big purchases or where the credit card protection is needed.

However, Nationwide only allow one person to have access to the online banking for this card to pay the bill, and this ended up being my husband when the card was taken out years ago.

My husband has a bad track record for paying the credit card bill, and just this last month has forgotten to pay it again, so we have been charged a late payment fee again, which we can't afford!

After the last time this happened (4th or 5th time) I got upset and asked for access to the bank account so I could ensure it was paid each month. He refused, saying that in order to do that I would have to have access to all his bank accounts (all our accounts are with the same bank, so when he logs into his account to pay the bill, all his other accounts are visible). He thinks this is unfair as he 'deserves financial privacy'.

We need a credit card, and I can't cancel this one as it's in his name, but he keeps forgetting to pay it and we are charged everytime!

I spoke to Nationwide about me having my own credit card, and they cautioned against it as we are renewing our mortgage soon and it wouldn't look good to take out another credit card. Also, they said all the late payment fees don't look good for a mortgage application either.

This argument ended a few nights ago, with neither of us happy. However, I woke up this morning to find him using my phone. He hadn't asked my permission (there wasn't a password on it, as it is a new phone, but I have now rectified this). He couldn't understand why I was angry that he felt he was entitled to use my phone, and yet I'm not allowed access to a bank account that we both use?

I think he's being unfair and a hypocrite and now we are not talking.

AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about the credit card and the phone?

And I would also like to say that I appreciate all the advice which is being posted! I am taking it all on board, and trying to figure out what I am going to do. Unfortunately most of the solutions require my husband to be co-operative, which at the moment, he is not.

CoffeeBeansGalore

Would the bank let YOU set up a monthly direct debit for the credit card on your joint bank account? You are not asking them for any details (avoiding gdpr issue), and surely you have the credit card details needed as you have a card in your name. And both you and your husband are named on the joint account that the direct debit is being set up on.
This would at least pay the minimum amount and stop late payment fees.

This is looking like the best option in the short term, if the bank will let me.

I will be calling them today.

I’m unsure about this. I would never allow anyone access to my personal accounts. How many cc payments have been missed? I’ve missed two in the last 6 months, due to being completely unorganised, but I would not be impressed if my DH demanded access to all my accounts because of this. I’ve now set up a dd each month to stop it happening again.

noloh1

About 4-5 in the last year have been missed. Far too many.

You have access to the joint account, so why not pay the CC bill (or minimum payment) from there?

Of course, he's being a hypocrite. If he won't budge, then tell him that HE is responsible for making the late fees from HIS money.

We also have separate bank accounts etc, but know each other's passwords etc. to these and credit cards. We also respect each other enough not to access them for anything other than emergencies or agreed expenditure.

BTW, having a DD for CC is by far the best payment option. No risk of forgetting then!

In the short term, close down the current credit card and get a new one in your joint names with a new bank that you can both access. This will have less of an impact on your credit score than keep missing payments.

I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable he doesn’t want you seeing his private bank account, or having his private log in details to his bank accounts. I don’t have access to my wife’s private bank account and nor does she to mine, it’s never crossed my mind that we should (and would clearly be a breach of banking policy). But it isn’t fair you can’t see the joint credit card. It also isn’t fair that he accesses your phone if you don’t want him to. But I would deal with the immediate issue first and then when it’s calmer discuss your phone again.

‘Financial privacy’ - he’s spending money on things he doesn’t want you to know about. I’d be wanting to see all bank statements for the duration given this - if you are married you are entitled to access all JOINT finances ie everything!

You need to sort out the DD for the credit card.

I have nothing to hide from my partner. He has a clear picture of my income and outgoings, and I his. We have some joint finances. But NO, I don't want him up in my business looking at my bank account. I can't put my finger on why, but it's a level of intrusion I'm not comfortable with.

He can't fix the access, and I get why he's not happy about you having his login. So fix the issue and set up a DD, if you can't do, can you do a SO instead. Just set it up so it's paid on the date every month.

@Lennon80

‘Financial privacy’ - he’s spending money on things he doesn’t want you to know about. I’d be wanting to see all bank statements for the duration given this - if you are married you are entitled to access all JOINT finances ie everything!

This is such bollocks. I would be fucking livid if my Partner/Husband wanted to go through my bank statements and review everything I spent on myself. What kind of level of control do you require over someone to need that? Scary.

Contact Nationwide (email the CEO, Joe Garner) and tell him you have concerns. It is absolutely ridiculous that they have you as a cardholder, your DH’s poor track record is affecting your credit history, but won’t allow you to log in to manage it.

Make it clear if they won’t fix it that you want your name off the card, and the late payments off your credit history (they can do this).

The OP doesn't want to see what he's spending on himself. She just wants assurance that the credit card is being paid so money is not being wasted on bank charges and their credit rating is not trashed prior to a remortgage.

She also wants to negotiate down the cost of their bills so they both have more money available. His secrecy and unco-operative behaviour is negatively affecting her, which isn't fair.

@BillMasen

Sure, why not? Married means you share everything. I have nothing to hide, why would I mind DH knowing my finances?

Don't email the CEO

BarbaraofSeville

Thanks. Your post pretty much sums up how I feel and what I want.

I think a direct debit or standing order is the best option for the credit card for now if I am able to do it.

The other bills I will gradually work on getting into my name.

theemmadilemma

It’s not about control it’s about transparency- why would you care if your partner saw your finances? If you are married those finances are joint - as you see here his behaviour is affecting her credit rating and future plans. It’s clear if you are unhappy about full access then you are over stepping a boundary you know is there in the marriage.

Sounds like he has one of those 'What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own' mindsets

I completely agree. What are the late fees? Can you transfer the same amount to your personal account from the joint account? I would. You shouldn’t be penalised for his crap behaviour. And the ‘bank accounts should never be shared... blah blah’ would be pretty annoying. I’d start to think of other things that shouldn’t be shared! (Yes we do have fully joint accounts)

@Lennon80

theemmadilemma

It’s not about control it’s about transparency- why would you care if your partner saw your finances? If you are married those finances are joint - as you see here his behaviour is affecting her credit rating and future plans. It’s clear if you are unhappy about full access then you are over stepping a boundary you know is there in the marriage.

I would feel looked over, watched, scrutinised. Even if that's not where it's coming from. It's an uncomfortable feeling. I wouldn't want constant access. Happy to provide any level of transparency needed as and when. But not just constant access to my bank account, no. There is no boundary I'm overstepping, none. I do however require keeping a level of autonomy.

Fully agree they need to sort the CC situation out better. It's not fair for it to be impacting her.

So all of this would be solved if he would just set up a DD to pay (at least) the minimum amount every month - why won't he do this? If he has online banking, surely it would only take a few minutes?

Presumably you've asked him to do this? What is his reason for not doing this? Getting repeated late payment fees would drive me insane.

I’m in the same position re the credit card and it’s annoying not being able to see it online from my log in.
I set up a standing order for something I buy from overseas. Because the exchange rate fluctuates I want to check how much is going out each month.
To do this I get my DH to log into his account and I sit there and view the statement. It does give me access to all his accounts, personal, savings etc but I never view them, although I can see the balances when he logs in. He doesn’t sit there when I’m viewing it either. He’s not particularly bothered. If he said no, I’d feel suspicious. Like he was hiding something. That’s only natural right?

OP he’s hiding something - dig deeper. Most marriages that are equitable have access to all family finances. My husband and I have separate accounts as well as joint but I know if I requested to see them and he was reluctant I’d be wondering wtf he didn’t want me to see!

@Lennon80

OP he’s hiding something - dig deeper. Most marriages that are equitable have access to all family finances. My husband and I have separate accounts as well as joint but I know if I requested to see them and he was reluctant I’d be wondering wtf he didn’t want me to see!

Unless I'm misunderstanding he's not saying she can't see if need be? He's not happy about handing over his banking login for constant access. Different thing. Unless money is unaccounted for, or there's another reason for her to suspect something, then I think the level of access that you're talking about is unusual. I don't know any married people who have access to each other personal bank account logins. Joint account, joint finances, clear picture of each others income/outgoings - YES. Access and daily overview of each others spending their own spending money - NO. Not normal.

Yes he's hypocritical for using your phone if privacy is what he wants for himself. Is he a bit of a chauvinist by any chance? One rule for him because he's the big man who pays for everything, whilst you do as you're told?

Anyway, you need a practical solution at least in the short term. Can he request that the CC statement is sent by post (mine is though I think I had to request it). Then he can just hand it over to you to pay from the joint account?