Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

I assume their cousin only knows this as they've heard it from someone else. My son is 10 and he has no concept of half or full siblings just 'siblings'. Him and Dd are technically half but to him they are 'brother and sister' - and he knows he has a different dad.

You definitely need to be honest with your children but I really can't seek the big deal. Your husband has raised your older children and you have children together. It's just 'family'.

@gluteustothemaximus

TeenMinusTests

Doesn't matter how we do things. That's our choice.

It's spiteful to tell someone information that isn't your place to do that.

It sounds very deliberate. Firstly, why tell a 12 year old about their cousins parentage? Then follow up with "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" like they wanted it out in the first place.

It is not their place.

My eldest is aware. He remembers being taken in the night by me, and calling the police.

Excuse me for not sharing with his 2 younger siblings, that their Dad is different. That is my choice, and it is my son's choice too.

The problem is, as someone whose been in a situation more like the younger child, it hangs over you.

My mum didn't want me going out drinking with my cousins when we were college age and discouraged the relationship - because she wasn't sure if they're parents had told them, and if they might let it slip. In the end, I got a contact out of the blue on facebook - 'can you help me, I'm trying to get in contact with X, my father is Y' - I had been told by then, but far too old and far too late. I also have toyed with ancestry DNA testing, esp as my daughter (through her dad) has a hereditary condition. Its not something I'd think to mention to my mother.

So basically: its always potentially there. Your eldest might know, there might be a half-sibling through the dad you don't know about who one day finds out about him and gets in touch with the youngest.

The truth can't hurt you. If kids grow up with something as background irrelevant detail, a cousin stirring isn't going to effect them. If you raise them not knowing, then all manner of people have the potential to hurt an devastate them: family members you don't know about, a random DNA test, and worst the possibility that they might find out after you're gone and not be able to ask you. I found out my 'family secret' because of my mother's cancer diagnosis: lets just say that wasn't the best way to discover it on top of everything else. It also meant I couldn't be angry about being lied to, and everyone felt like it wasn't 'my' trauma/secret/thing to be affected by because my parents were always who I thought they were, etc etc.

All the advice is that children should be told these things from young. There is reason for that. Those of you doing differently are setting them up for hurt in the future, for no good reason.

I'm a half sib to my brother and sister. It's something we all grew up knowing and didn't affect our relationships at all. This is a shame Op, but all will be well.

I don't think family secrets about parentage are a good thing.
I can't imagine the younger siblings would be as upset as OP's dc would be.
But the younger dc understand about their family set up the easier it is to make sense of.

I understand you being cross, but I agree with others that this should never have been a 'secret'. It should have been casually and openly mentioned all the time they were growing up.

My eldest sister got pregnant at uni (when I was primary aged). I have no idea who the father was, what his name was, etc. He was never in the picture. She then married someone else when my nephew was a toddler and her DH brought him up.

Many, many years later it came up in casual open conversation with her that her son had NO IDEA that her DH was not his father. He was probably in his early 30s at the time. I was horrified but it wasn't my business and she was adamant she wasn't going to tell her son. My sister has died now - DN is a 40 something father and my BIL is in his 70s and as far as I know no one has ever told DN that the man he considers his father is not.

It worries me in case there are any health issues for him or his children, but I know nothing about his actual father and don't feel I should raise it now his mother is not alive.

Sadly, I learned way too late that a secret shared might as well be printed in the newspaper - talking about my own sister here who I subsequently realised feeds on creating drama. I am sorry for you and your children that this blabbermouth gossip-monger couldn't keep her fat mouth shut.

The fact that its come from your partner's family just smacks of their attitude behind your backs. That your child isnt his "real" child, and isnt their family's "real" relative. That's what they think, so much so that they're making sure the young members of the family know it. That's just horrible.

Your kids should know at some point, but when they've grown up with you all as a single family unit, and their dad raised the other child, it really isnt relevant. Whether he's legally adopted the oldest or not, he's the dad. That's all there is to it.

@SharonasCorona well, just like I said. MIL has obviously known for better than a decade, I can understand why she would have made an assumption that the other children had been told by now? Especially as OP hadn't explicitly told anyone not to tell the children?

What do they gain by knowing that the older child his not biologically the dad's child?? I really don't see the issue. What will the truth do in this situation?

It hurts not being told. They can feel that everyone knows this important information except them. As though people are laughing at them. And especially if the parents say "oh it's no big deal" it can feel like they're dismissing the hurt and make it worse.

I know a couple of people who have found out similar (but not the same) things at that sort of age. One said that they felt like they had been rejected by their parents as it felt like they were the only ones not important enough to know something that directly effected them.
The other it caused a lot of hurt and she left home as soon as she could and never contacted her parents again. She felt that they'd left her open to be embarrassed. Like the above it was dropped into conversation, because they person speaking assumed she knew. She didn't, and her parents told her it was none of her business which added to the hurt.

@ohmyohmy123

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

You cannot blame a fucking 12 year old for mentioning something that in any normal family would be treated as public knowledge.

How on earth have your children got to (presumably) 11+ years of age without being told basic facts about the family? In most families, this would have been mentioned long before now - not in a snide or nasty way, but factually, as it's nothing to be ashamed of.

For example, lots of children have questions about blended families at some point, e.g. maybe their friends live in blended families? At that point, surely you'd mention that their sister's dad is different to theirs, and that this is totally fine and normal?

How do you think they were going to react when you eventually told them at age 16 or whatever? Leaving it so late would be guaranteed to make a big thing of it, like it's something to kept quiet, something to be ashamed of.

Secrets and lies... it's all very fucked up.

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half-sister and their dad is not hers.

I cant understand the conversation not coming from a place of malice.

My sister said blah ... oh she's only your half-sister

You know X is only your half sister

You're not supposed to know this but you've got different dads

Nope, malice, pure and simple. And that stems from the cousins mother - your sister or your husbands sister?

Oh op, this is a tough one but I think it's better that they know. Some of these replies are a bit harsh and life is not always black and white. It must have been a shock for the child. Nothing has changed, he's still dad so I would just keep reminding her of that.

I would be livid if her parents have told her and I would let them know that.

I wouldn't expect an apology, focus on the child.

Hope everything turns out ok for you.

@gluteustothemaximus

My kids don't know they are half siblings.

I'd rather not get into a discussion about how eldest's father is an abusive piece of shit.

His Dad has always been DH. No one is lying about anything.

But, when I was in touch with other family, they would make comments about when I would tell them, and a cousin even said 'that's not your real dad'. Which he wouldn't have said unless SIL had told him that....and the point of telling him was.....?

Shit stirring cunts.

I'd rather not get into a discussion about how eldest's father is an abusive piece of shit

It's better for the kid to understand that than to not know. There are age-appropriate ways of presenting and discussing such things. How is the kid supposed to make informed decisions if they don't know their father is abusive?

Being a biological father is very different to being a dad. Same as a mother isn't always the right person to be a mum. Two very different roles.

not RTFT.

The cousin should not have said anything, but your children were going to find out at some time, so you should have told them yourself at a much earlier age.

They will have been shocked at the news.

Secrets always come out and deep down you must have known there was a chance someone would tell.
The only apology needed is from you to your children for lying to them for years. MIL has nothing to apologise for as by the time she said anything the cat was already out of the bag. The parents don't owe you an apology either. You don't know how the subject came up and perhaps they assumed you would have told the kids by now.
They were old enough to know, what age did you plan on telling them?

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair

MIL and the cousin's parents were out of order but I think your children should have already known, sorry.

My mother refused to talk about mine and my sister's fathers. Different setups but the effect for both was that we didn't really know things about us that felt important and we weren't equipped to answer the usual inquisitive questions from other children at school.

My own children are donor conceived and I've talked to them about it since before they could understand, really, because I've never wanted them to feel that inability to describe their family.

Mine is too. They've known since tiny what was what. I followed guidance from the DCN.

I also agree that MIL and cousins (their parents really) were out of order. But your DC should have known all the time. There is a lot of literature about how to talk to children about their roots and family.

But some people are very odd about what is family and what isnt. My ex-DH used the donor conceived part in family court as part of divorce hearings. Naturally nobody gave a fuck but it showed his true position (and that of his family). Blood matters. I come from a family where we have all sorts - fostering, guardianships, donor. It's always taught me that blood doesnt matter AT ALL.

@TwoAndAnOnion

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half-sister and their dad is not hers.

I cant understand the conversation not coming from a place of malice.

My sister said blah ... oh she's only your half-sister

You know X is only your half sister

You're not supposed to know this but you've got different dads

Nope, malice, pure and simple. And that stems from the cousins mother - your sister or your husbands sister?

The conversation could have been:

X: My friend Emma has a half-sister
Y: Oh, you mean like you and [elder brother]?

It could be entirely innocent. The fact is, it should never, ever have been a secret. Openness about the truth would have no power to hurt someone, but secrets do.

Having family secrets is always destructive, whenever they found out they would have been upset because they would feel it had been kept from them or even that they had been lied to, the older they got the worse it would potentially be.
Awful of it to come out the way it did though - might MIL have set the situation up? Very nasty if so.
It's all about how you handle it now though, if you're visibly upset and shaken for weeks then they are going to be traumatised. If you just lightly explain that she has a different bio dad but dh brought her up from young so he is dad to her now, and that's all there is to it then I'm sure they will be ok.

Well OP it sounds like your MiL was delighted when her son married a woman that already had a child...

Yes OP, you did mishandle telling your younger children about their older half sibling however you had your reasons, you now need to work at helping your younger children process the news.

Your MiL & the rest of your DH's family haven't covered themselves in glory & at least now you know what you are truly dealing with.

I can imagine a conversation not coming from malice.

General chat about families going on.
Cousin asks 'does your big sis ever see her real dad?'
Younger ones 'what do you mean real dad? Dad is always around.'
Cousin - 'but your Dad isn't hers is he...'

@TeenMinusTests I can see the conversation going like that too

I can see why you're annoyed but you had years to them and have left it a bit long. Ideally children shouldn't remember the moment crucial life information (news that can be planned for) is given, such as being adopted etc. That why they are brought up with it always being part of their lives and accepted

I doubt it's a case of having family secrets, sometimes these things just don't come up. My DS is 8 and this thread has made me realise that we'd be in the same situation. DD is 28 and is not DH's biological daughter but he is the only dad she's ever known. I don't think DS knows this as it's just never come up.

@TeenMinusTests

I can imagine a conversation not coming from malice.

General chat about families going on.
Cousin asks 'does your big sis ever see her real dad?'
Younger ones 'what do you mean real dad? Dad is always around.'
Cousin - 'but your Dad isn't hers is he...'

I'm not buying into this.

The cousins mother will know the bio dad isn't on the scene and never has been.

Yabu, it’s a fact. You only give these things power when you keep them hidden for many years