Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

All the posters saying OP lied, and all the other nonsense - what does it matter if the younger children know or don't? What do they gain by knowing that the older child his not biologically the dad's child?? I really don't see the issue. What will the truth do in this situation?

It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

What do you mean by impressionable age what is this information going to encourage them to do? You have made it a big deal and really it is not a big deal in any way. Now you have made it a guilty secret and made all your children uncomfortable.

Things like this always come out in the end. A friend of DH's has two boys with his exW but she was already pregnant with the eldest when she met him. Neither the boys know that DH's friend isn't his biological father, and the eldest is 12. It's an open secret amongst friends and family so he will find out at some stage, and you just know it'll have infinitely more impact on the poor kid than had they just explained it in age appropriate terms when he was 4 or 5.

In essence I think it was very foolish to hide this from the children, especially in this day and age of ancestry.com and all that. But I would be incandescent that they had found out this way. Also the fact your MIL said "you have to tell them now" and the cousins even knew suggests that the family have long discussed between themselves the fact that you haven't told the kids, which is pretty backstabby.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Everything comes out in the end. Just be honest with them.

Shame they had to find out via a spiteful cousin, but that's done now.

You do see that the cousin is also a pre teen child. Hardly spiteful. The OP has totally messed this up. Secrets shouldn't be hidden in plain site. Should the cousins parents ask their own child to collude in secrets? There's some bonkers responses here. No way so any kid over the age of 5 not be informed of things like this. No matter when it came out they would be upset at their parents lying to them. The OP is the only one whose in the wrong here

@TheRealMrsMorningstar

All the posters saying OP lied, and all the other nonsense - what does it matter if the younger children know or don't? What do they gain by knowing that the older child his not biologically the dad's child?? I really don't see the issue. What will the truth do in this situation?

prevent the situation she has now.. a confused, upset, bewildered Autistic 11yo.

@lakesidelife

With the common use of dna sites like AncestryDNA this kind of deception can't last a lifetime. Letting a child spend their whole childhood thinking someone is their birth parent when they aren't is a very damaging thing to do to them.

But the older child knows and the younger children quite frankly had nothing to do with unless Mum, Dad and child in question wanted it to be known.

What will the truth do in this situation

Not much, other than display that this is not important. Making it a secret though implies that there is some shame involved.

Another one saying I think you should have been honest from the start, as there was always a chance that this sort of revelation would happen.

But I would be absolutely furious with the inlays, who have clearly been discussing you behind your back and thought that they had the right to take the decision about when to tell your children away from you. They may have thought you were wrong, but it is still not their decision to take. I'm not sure I would continue with contact, if I'm honest. For me, all the trust would have gone.

What does DH think about it?

TeenMinusTests

Doesn't matter how we do things. That's our choice.

It's spiteful to tell someone information that isn't your place to do that.

It sounds very deliberate. Firstly, why tell a 12 year old about their cousins parentage? Then follow up with "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" like they wanted it out in the first place.

It is not their place.

My eldest is aware. He remembers being taken in the night by me, and calling the police.

Excuse me for not sharing with his 2 younger siblings, that their Dad is different. That is my choice, and it is my son's choice too.

“Impressionable age”?!

You’re telling them (or not telling them) that their sibling has a different father, I.e. you had a relationship before their father- not that you had a taste for Crystal meth or that you have a history of pyromania?!

What on Earth would you lie for?

No sympathy for you. Tonnes for your kids.

The fault lies with you. These kind of secrets have a habit of coming out.

Dishonesty is not the best option. YABU

Ah OK gluteus I inferred that the child of the ex wasn't aware of his own parentage. Your clarification shows it is 'just' his younger siblings don't know.

Secrets come out.

This is why you should always be honest (in an age appropriate way). It wouldn't have been hard to say at some point "XX has a different biological father, however dad brought her up and she sees him as dad". Instead you have this mess. Secrets tear families apart and this is why.

Yanbu to be livid with the ILs attitude but I think an 11 year old should have known tbh. The earlier this kind of info is disclosed, the easier it is for kids to accept as it's something that they've always known iyswim. (You said the kids are under 12 so I assume one is 11) The older the kids are, the more likely that they will be angry and see the secret as being lied to.

Adoption was something to be kept secret in the past but experts now suggest that the earlier that kids know the better. This isn't a case of adoption but little kids are more likely to see it as no big deal.

Children have a right to know their birth history. What a shame for the kids to find out this way

Well your 11 year old's not wrong. He's not a real brother. He's a real half-brother.

I wonder if the OP will come back. It's been a roasting on here for her (and reasonably so). That said, it isn't the younger kids who don't know who their dad is, they just didn't know the biological dad of elder sibling is someone different, which isn't anywhere nearly as bad. But yeah Op has created a storm for no reason.

It wasn't nice for your younger DC to hear this information in that manner and to hear half sibling described as 'only'. Though, this should never have reached the stage of it being kept secret so long.
At age 10, a child in my class was told in the school yard by another child from our class (who was their next door neighbour ) that they were adopted. They had over heard their parents talking.
The child was traumatised and part of this trauma was caused by everyone else knowing except them. Of course hearing a sibling is in fact a half sibling is not on same scale as that but keeping family life facts from children within the family has made this an issue.
You can't control what other people within a family / extended family keep secret / don't ever talk about facts such as this. So I don't think you have a right to be angry with the cousin's parents or your MIL. I would be more annoyed with myself for not discussing this with my younger DC way before now.

@ohmyohmy123

My daughter was brought up by my husband and sees him as dad. Never had contact with any other dad. There was never a reason to tell the younger ones anything - they've never asked as there's been no reason to. She's their sister and that's it. Had their been a reason to say anything we would have I suppose.

Now my 11 year old thinks he's not a real brother and is confused (he's asd so is literal).

He’s confused because he thought him and his sister had the same mother and father, because no one told him any different until now. I can’t think of any scenario where a child asks their mother if their sister has the same father tbh. He’s confused because he’s not been told the truth. The reason to tell his is that it would have been far better for it to have been open from the get go rather than expectI bet everyone to keep it a secret. The issue really now is how this is dealt with. I’d suggest being completely honest going forward.

This exact same thing happened in my family in 1994. I was the older child - about 11 - and I didn't have any concept that my dad wasn't 'really' my dad (it wasn't a secret per se but bio dad wasn't on scene so didn't come up much). My Nan thought it was a good opportunity to talk to us about how even though we weren't full siblings we should stop fighting.

So, both me and my brother were totally blindsided.

My mum and Nan haven't spoken since 1994.

As adoptive parents we were encouraged to tell the children as soon as possible. In fact to tell them before they could understand it (if that makes sense) so they grew up ALWAYS knowing. Details can be told at age appropriate times, but bring them up knowing the truth. Therefore there never was a bombshell moment of telling them, there was no sudden dramatic shock, and it was only ever a positive thing...and of course the risk of other family members saying anything was eliminated. The children themselves can never accuse their parents of lying to them by omission, because there never has been a lie and their never has been a secret. Now as long term foster carers the advice for little ones is the same - bring them up ALWAYS knowing so there is no moment such as this.

I feel sad for your children but as others have said find it quite strange they have reached the age they are and not have known. And although you may view your family members as being out of line, I think the parents of the child who told, have actually been open and honest about their extended family so their child may have not realised it was a "secret" in your household. I would never, even for a second imagine that at age 11 and 12 the children would not know - well not since Victorian times anyway.

I agree with others, it should have been known at an early stage. Your children would have grown up considering them a sibling and it would have been a non issue.

The secrecy has led to it becoming bigger than it is. I would never keep a secret from my children if there was a chance they’d find out from someone else.

My best friend discovered her sister was a half sister when she was an adult, it caused a lot of upset, but it was the secrecy not the fact that hurt.

I’m adopted and was adopted as a baby. I can never remember not knowing I was adopted. My parents told me in an age appropriate way when I was very young, partly for this very reason. They did not want me finding out inadvertently from someone else and then getting upset and thinking it was a bad thing.

It was never a secret and we talked about it openly in front of other people.

In your case it might not have needed to be part of every day conversation, but certainly easier to explain when children are young in an age appropriate way. You don’t have to go into huge detail about your ex especially if they were abusive. But many families are blended nowadays.

Not like when I was at Primary School and my best friend’s parents got divorced and then the mum had another child and she wasn’t married to the dad. That was a huge scandal in those days! No-one would blink an eye at that now

Just to add, my DH is a half sibling x 4 (2 half siblings to each parent) but has no full siblings. He has had therapy because he feels like an outcast of both families. I can understand why your older DC doesn't want to be identified as a 'half' anything.