Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

That was a mean and thoughtless thing for them to do. Hope you are ok xx

I'd also be disappointed in how the adults have handled this information in your family

@TwoAndAnOnion

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half-sister and their dad is not hers.

I cant understand the conversation not coming from a place of malice.

My sister said blah ... oh she's only your half-sister

You know X is only your half sister

You're not supposed to know this but you've got different dads

Nope, malice, pure and simple. And that stems from the cousins mother - your sister or your husbands sister?

I can think of ways it comes up. I found out two of my cousins were adopted - when I was younger than the OPs children - because we were watching something insanely 80s like Different Strokes where adoption was a key part of the storyline and my grandmother made a throw away comment in front of me before my mother shushed her.

She could have said 'My friend was meant to come play but she has to go to her dad's house - did [your big sister] ever used to go to her dad's house?' One of OPs kids could have said 'its a shame [big sister] couldn't be here for granny's birthday' and she could have said 'oh I thought she wan't here because she's not her granny'.

It sounds like there's a big age gap, its entirely possible it organically came up in conversation and the cousin's parents didn't want to lie. My mother-in-law is technically a half-sibling, and her mother (who raised her from the age of 6) is technically her step-mother, and its something I was made aware of, as appropriate, when it came up. I assume at some point it has been, or will be, mentioned in passing to the great-grandchildren: I wouldn't SAY to my children, who are very little now, oh your great-grandmother isn't actually biologically related to you, but it wouldn't occur to me not to mention it if there was a reason it was relevant. Its not a family secret. It won't change their relationship to her, but there have been conversations about how things used to be, it explains a large-ish age gap.

Its possible cousin said 'Why is [big sister] so much older than [younger brother]?' and the parents said, oh actually your uncle only met them when she was older, but he's been her dad ever since. There are lots of ways it can come up, which is why its such a shame the OP hadn't prepared them.

I was never told my step father was my step father.

It does seeds of distrust to not be honest to children.

I am pretty certain a big chunk of the relationship issues I have with my mother (we are NC) is because she and my step arsehole father lied to me for the best part of a decade of my life and then made the second half decade a reason for my siblings to remind me constantly and exclude me as they did then and do now.

Kids are vicious and by keeping it secret you made it taboo. I’m angry on behalf of your kids.

Fat You need to make it come up. Bite the bullet. This half term.

Get some family photos out. Reminisce. Tell your DS what it was like when your DD first met your DH, or how pleased you were when you met DH because DD would have a really good Dad now, or whatever.

I'm not buying into this.

The cousins mother will know the bio dad isn't on the scene and never has been.

What the cousin's mother knows is kind of irrelevant. The cousin obviously knows that there is a bio dad somewhere in the background, and might well be curious about whether the sibling sees him. Kids ask questions. They're not always tactful like an adult might be.

I am sorry this revelation happened in completely the wrong way, but I don’t think you should blame the cousins. They are just children too.

I completely understand why you are cross that they have found out in this way but it was bound to happen eventually as you cannot keep secrets like that unless you completely cut contact with anybody who knows . ASD or not it is way better for this sort of thing to be out in the open from a very young age as then it’s not a big deal .

Don’t keep secrets if you don’t want your DC to get a shock. Better now than when they are 18 and get Ancestry DNA as a gift.

@Todaytomorrowyesterday

I hate the half sibling word. My brother who has a different mum to me is my brother and I very rarely if at all refer to him as my half brother and me his half sister (none of my sisters call him half either )

But it’s never been a secret, I’m surprised it hasn’t ever been mentioned before .

Me too, my boys have different dads - both aware of that- but I've never called them half brothers. They live together as brothers, I hate the term "half", it just feels like they aren't proper brothers IYSWIM

My dc have had to made family trees at school at least twice so far in different schools.
I'm a little surprised that this hasn't come up naturally in school family history projects.

oh it's no big deal" it can feel like they're dismissing the hurt and make it

Complete agree with this. I was blindsided and no one seemed to care.

It was always going to come out eventually unless you and DH were the only ones to know the truth.
I'm amazed it's gone on so long.
Sorry but I really can't think of a single reason why you wouldn't have been honest with your younger DC from when they were young.
They would have accepted it long ago and it wouldn't have been a big deal.

Regardless of whether you should have explained to your younger dc. The cousins and mil were extremely spiteful.

My mums siblings have different fathers. They as a family do not like being referred to as half siblings. My mums brother also has step children who he's brought up as his own.

I would have known from a young age never to say to my cousin that they're half siblings or that my uncle wasn't the real father.

I would have been sensitive and respectful enough to keep my nose out.

I think it was your business when to tell your children 🤔 and certainly not your in laws place to determine when the time was right,sounds like a bit of jealousy there you may not even be aware of.

You are completely in the wrong for not explaining this to your children from the get go - age appropriately of course.
It should be about as controversial as pointing out their sibling has eg blond hair.
You are the one that has made it an issue and lied to them.
Focus your anger on yourself.

Children cope far better with "always knowing" significant information about themselves, rather than being told stuff "when they are old enough".

This is why you do not keep secrets from children that other adults know. This happened to me at about the same age. I have no idea why my parents were not just honest.
And it is the kind of thing a child would tell another child. Most children are not any good at keeping secrets.

Sorry OP, but I think you’re handled this badly and you’re deflecting blame onto your MIL unfairly.

Your youngest children deserve to know the truth. Were you ever planning to tell them that their older sister has a different (biological) dad or just hoping to keep it quiet? My nephew accidentally found out something regarding his mum (my sister) that she openly lied about by omission, for years. He has gone no contact since because of what he sees as her deliberate deceit, despite it not being that big a deal really.

My youngest knows his two older brothers had a different mum. It’s never been a secret and I think it was originally mentioned when he was a toddler and came about after he asked why his older brothers don’t live at home. They were adults at this stage. The siblings are still very close and the ‘Step’ part has never been an issue.

@Grizalda

I'm from a family that lied and lied about this sort of thing. You do not have any sympathy from me. There was no reason to lie!! Literally no one would have given two fucks if you'd have been honest from the start.

How was it a lie though? She’s their sister, the percentage doesn’t matter, and OP has already stated she wasn’t going to withhold the details from them, just tell them at an appropriate point.

OP,
Kindly, you should have protected your children from this.

Your in laws sound nasty and ugly.

Did you really not know this?.

Your poor children.
Focus on defusing this.

Where is your husband/partner in this?

I’d be furious, and we don’t see in laws for a similar reason.
They aren’t to be trusted, and it’s none of their business.
People keep,secrets, because they want to, for various reasons.
If it’s not your secret and business, keep out of it ,

@Hadjab it is a lie by omission.
And I think lying to kids and telling them the truth at some point you deem appropriate is not good parenting.

@LemonLimeFlower Secrets destroy families.

This is the risk you take when you decide to keep secrets that other people know about. Sorry OP but your children really should have been told by you at a much earlier age.