Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

It is terrible they found out that way but with pps it is something you can't keep a secret they're sisters no matter what, hiding it creates the issue.

All the PPs outraged at this being “kept a secret”.... do the DC that might be conceived with my donation have to have it drilled into them from day 1 that their DM isn’t their DM? Do they have to be told that their biology doesn’t match that of their siblings from the get go? Have a word with yourselves.
Yes I believe in your situation they should be honest from the beginning, saves shock later.

Another that doesn’t agree with these things being kept secret. It’s much more traumatic when the beans are spilled. I always knew I had another father somewhere and so did my brother. Growing up with it was no big deal.

We had a similar event in our family, camping with cousins, and the sister told us that her brother wasn’t our brother. His mother was actually another of our aunts. We were shocked but he was still our cousin so it didn’t matter so much. But we got in trouble with our aunt (his adopted mother) but why hide these things! I’ve also discovered 3-4 more cousins that everyone seemed to know about for years except us!

Truth always comes out, better it’s from you right from the start

Wasn’t her brother

@Gwenhwyfar

"I had 5 grandads when I was little (one obviously being a step grandad)"

Only one was a step grandad out of 5? Are you counting great-grandfathers as well? But in that case, it wouldn't be obvious that one would be a step.

Typo - I meant 5 grandparents!

If you include great grandparents I had more.

Eesh. I'm a child of sperm donation and if you do it properly, they always coach the parents on how to tell your child.. I dont ever remember being "told" my dad wasnt my biological father because it was just drip fed to me in age appropriate ways throughout my life. My dad and I are very close. I can't believe tbh that you havent toldyour children at their age?! Surely you knew they would find out? Now, I would imagine they feel betrayed, lied to and distrustful. This is not the cousin, A CHILD, who was factually correct's fault!!! Dont shift the blame. You should have dealt with it sooner and it wouldnt be an issue. It is an issue now.

All the PPs outraged at this being “kept a secret”.... do the DC that might be conceived with my donation have to have it drilled into them from day 1 that their DM isn’t their DM? Do they have to be told that their biology doesn’t match that of their siblings from the get go?

@TakeMeToKernow of course they don’t have to have it drilled into them that their DM isn’t their DM! She is their DM!

But they absolutely need to know from the start - before it has any real meaning/ significance to them- the facts about how they were conceived. This is so they grow up experiencing this as normal/ just the way things are, and it isn’t some big shock / reveal later in life when it has the potential to cause significant stress/ lead to an identity crisis.

@TakeMeToKernow thank you for going through egg donation. You are giving the most amazing gift to a family.

However, as a child conceived by donation, I sincerely hope the recipients do not have the same attitude as you on this. It is not "drilled into" you, but drip fed in age appropriate ways throughout a child's life so that there is no "big reveal" moment, which sounds very traumatic and damaging. I love my parents so much. They raised me and wanted me so much they went through such a stressful.process. Not sure I would feel that way if they dropped a bomb on me about my biology later in life- I'd probably have some serious trust issues

"It should never be told it should always just be". Yes this is exactly it. What has happened here is a very good illustration of why things should not be hidden from children as you can't control every way they might find out.

I get you OP. I had something similar but the differences were that my older child had asked that the younger half sibling weren’t told until they were older because they wanted to feel part of the whole family, nothing different. We planned to tell the younger siblings when they were older. Unfortunately it was my own mother who said she was going to tell the younger children without consulting my older child, myself or my DH. So we felt we had no choice in the timing. My younger DC were 4 and 7. The then 7 year old was rocked by this and felt very insecure, crying that if I were not with her older siblings father, would I leave her father. It rocked (crying, upset, nightmares) what she thought of as a stable family dynamic. The younger one followed suit, mainly just following along with their sibling. Yes, eventually this died down and all is well but it was very upsetting for all, most of all for my older DC. Really it should be up to you and your DH when and how to tell your DC about their older sibling parentage.

Clearly tour DH family gossip about the situation. Not very nice at all.

my older child had asked that the younger half sibling weren’t told until they were older because they wanted to feel part of the whole family, nothing different

Why did your older child's request trump your younger child's right to know about their family?

The response should have been to reassure your older child that nothing could threaten their place in your family, that who their dad was makes no difference at all, and that no-one who matters would ever care. By agreeing to their request you tacitly acknowledged that other people's perceptions regarding their parentage did matter.

And your 7 year old was 'rocked' by it because you'd kept that secret. They were always going to be rocked by it, whenever you chose to do your big reveal. You set them up for that through your choices.

This might not have been malicious from the other child and could come about from something as minor as who's the oldest/tallest cousin (where they state your oldest isn't their cousin). It really shouldn't have been kept secret from your younger kids with everyone else in the family knowing.

We had a situation in our family where an aunt had never once told her three DC that the man who raised her as his own was not her biological father. He’d adopted her at the age of 2 (her DM had been widowed). He was an amazing dad to her and she always knew she was adopted but for some reason never told her DC he wasn’t their biological granddad. She never told them, even when they were well into their twenties, and their grandfather became increasingly upset that she’d never told them the truth. When it did eventually come out it soured relationships irrevocably, which was so sad. All because of a truth never told.

Surely it is always, always always best to tell DC about this sort of thing from the earliest age possible.

A dear family friend of my DM adopted her two DC as babies and her mantra was always that there is never a ‘right’ time to make that kind of announcement so you tell the DC at the youngest age possible. So basically as soon as hers started talking about ‘babies in tummies’, at around 2/3, they were told the truth, in a very toddler friendly way. They always knew, there was never an emotional drama, never a big reveal. It was just known and accepted and they were one of the happiest families we knew growing up. Surely that has to be better than what my aunt’s family ended up with.

I am so sorry your DC are upset OP and I can understand why you are upset with the cousin - but if they’d always been told the truth then this would never have happened.

Because it’s not something to be ashamed of but OP wanted to tell them herself

Then she should have done so years ago.

OP needs to apologise to children AND to in laws, she's insane if she thinks they owe her one!

It was completely out of order for the in laws to break this news to the children. Outrageously so. Yes they probably should have known, but the fact is that they didn't and it was not the in laws decision to make to tell them.

I know my brothers and sisters are my half’s but if anyone pointed it out I’d be giveing them a sharp “they are my brothers and sisters”! Families are complicated and blood can make no difference to who is real family.

@CloudPop but the OP is expecting the in-laws to lie to her children.
I always take the tack that you can tell your children whatever you want, it is not my business. But I will not lie to others including children.

[quote fruityorange]@CloudPop but the OP is expecting the in-laws to lie to her children.
I always take the tack that you can tell your children whatever you want, it is not my business. But I will not lie to others including children.[/quote]
She wasn't asking them to lie though, why did they need to say anything? I agree it would have been better all round if she had told them earlier, but it's not their story to tell.

@Gymsmile21

I know my brothers and sisters are my half’s but if anyone pointed it out I’d be giveing them a sharp “they are my brothers and sisters”! Families are complicated and blood can make no difference to who is real family.

The point of this thread has flown straight over your head....

@Gymsmile21

I know my brothers and sisters are my half’s but if anyone pointed it out I’d be giveing them a sharp “they are my brothers and sisters”! Families are complicated and blood can make no difference to who is real family.

What would you say if you had no idea that your siblings had a different mum/dad, but found out as a teen/adult because someone outside the family pointed out your siblings were halfs? How would you feel?

The fact that you consider your siblings to be brothers/sisters is great, but it's of no relevance to the question of whether the OP should have kept the family structure a secret from her children.

Keeping secrets gives power to those secrets. It gives them the power to be used as weapons, to wound. Being open and honest from the start means that the information has no power at all - like in your case.

@CloudPop it was another child that told them not the in laws - a child the same age as them. Who in a probability didn't find out by gossip but by overhearing a perfectly normal conversation

It’s something you probably should have told them but it wasn’t up to someone else to do so. Why on earth do their cousins know if it’s common knowledge your own children don’t. Clearly it’s been discussed in front of them.

My brothers have always known we have different dads. It’s not some thing that we sat down and told them specifically though. I guess it’s as I didn’t call him Dad though . Same as my children know their grandad isn’t my biological dad. Again it’s just something they know.

Why on earth do their cousins know if it’s common knowledge your own children don’t.

Because the cousins were brought up by parents who didn't lie to them or keep secrets from them? You know, like in most normal families?

They've obviously heard their parents refer to it in conversation, it's no mystery at all.

You can't criticise a young child for telling the truth! You have chosen to lie (and lying by omission is a lie) to your dc , about something so personal, which is public knowledge, You are a fool if you didn't see this coming!