Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

@SharonasCorona i disagree. It doesn’t sound like OP has specially told anyone in the wider family that the kids don’t know so don’t tell them, otherwise they wouldn’t have, would they?

Sounds like it was an open secret that OP was assuming wouldn’t be talked about.

I agree @Todaytomorrowyesterday as someone with a number of half/step siblings & step parents I've had various run ins with school thinking it was their place to tell my kids that my stepmum/dad wasn't their real grandparents.

My niece was traumatised when a helpful teacher pointed out that I wasn't actually her aunt (step sisters DD) at school pick up. She's 28 now, I've been in her life since the day she was born & she obviously understands the biology of our relationship but as a 5yo not so much.

OP I think you should have told them before now but agree it wasn't the in-laws place to do so & I'd be absolutely raging in your position.

Speaking as someone whose parentage has been kept secret in the family I think you should have told them.

Have you expected your older child to keep this a secret from the younger ones? I cannot begin to explain how awful it is to have to lie about who you are. It is just awful. It makes me feel that I am nothing and that everyone else is more important than me.

You should have told them from the start, it should have been something that they always knew.

They were entirely old enough to find this out by virtue of reading through family birth certificates or such by themselves. Which is how a friend discovered they were adopted at age 10.
Why on earth have you been keeping that a secret? If the reason is big (rape, death of former partner) I can see how you might have been wary. But these things have age appropriate answers.

You really should have been open with the children from the start. There are so many ways this can come out (as you've found out) and it makes it sound like it's a dirty secret.

This happened to my friend as a teen, was lied to until she was about 16 and it majorly screwed her up, not that she had another dad but that she couldn't trust her mum to tell her the truth.

This isn't good, but why did their cousins know and they didn't? You must've known they would get told surely, unless you'd told everyone to keep it secret. I think you have to take a bit of responsibility for how you've (not) handled this I'm afraid

[quote JackieTheFart]@SharonasCorona i disagree. It doesn’t sound like OP has specially told anyone in the wider family that the kids don’t know so don’t tell them, otherwise they wouldn’t have, would they?

Sounds like it was an open secret that OP was assuming wouldn’t be talked about.[/quote]
Disagree with what, in laws knew dc didn’t know?!

Op says: ‘Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now"

They knew and were busybodies.

It could be the cousin overheard adults talking about it or asked questions to someone who didn’t want to participate in keeping a lie. Other people have rights too and aren’t obligated to go along with a questionable lie- and you not calling it a lie or secret does not mean it’s not. Actually, it is.

There were many ways the truth could have come out. You left your kids open to hearing it from someone else by not telling them about it yourself.

I don’t doubt that your intentions were good but i do think this is you and your husband’s mistake, no one elses.

OP, what are in laws like with dd?

I think you have done them a disservice keeping it quiet. It is so easy to just be honest. There is nothing shameful about it.
My youngest son has a half brother just 4 years older, but they are brothers. real brothers and best friends. Our eldest just had an extra father (who it was later explained help make him, but no more). dad is dad and he is the same guy for both of them. They are now adults and I am blessed that we have men who love and care for each other no matter what.

It should not have been told to them by someone else. NO DOUBT. But you bear some responsibility by not being up front.
Especially with ASD there also. I have a child with ASD so I get this. You have made a rod for your own back.

Ok, firstly, YANBU to be upset that the cousins told them, it wasn't their place to do that.

However, ywbu to have not told them at this point, having such a literal child with ASD, this is something he should have been bought up with, so he wasn't confused, like he is now, with not understanding.

My DC's have a half sibling, but she is never referred to as anything other than their big sister, they just understand i'm not her mum, and they've known as long as they've been alive, so there is zero confusion or bombshell revelations they can't comprehend.

It might be the case she's never known another Dad, but when she isn't your DH's daughter, and its not a secret, you were always going to run the risk that someone would mention it at some point..

To be honest, you've only yourself to blame for your DS's current state of confusion.

Everything comes out in the end. Just be honest with them.

Shame they had to find out via a spiteful cousin, but that's done now.

My kids don't know they are half siblings.

I'd rather not get into a discussion about how eldest's father is an abusive piece of shit.

His Dad has always been DH. No one is lying about anything.

But, when I was in touch with other family, they would make comments about when I would tell them, and a cousin even said 'that's not your real dad'. Which he wouldn't have said unless SIL had told him that....and the point of telling him was.....?

Shit stirring cunts.

YANBU to be upset but your kids should have known this already by now.
I’m in the same position as the older sister in this scenario, and my half brother always knew that I had a different dad, even though my dad is not in my life and my stepdad has been more of a dad to me.
If it’s not a big secret then it shouldn’t have been treated like one. I’m sorry your son is having a hard time with it.

Not telling your children their own birth story is just storing up trouble.
The 12 year old has almost certainly done you a favor as it only gets more problematic to tell the truth as time passes.
As younger dc are more accepting than older dc, who are likely to feel very betrayed at being kept in the dark and lied to.

The only person who needs to apologise here is you - to your children for keeping this a secret.

You have lied by omission, and can't expect others to be keeping secrets on your behalf.

YWBU not to tell them before someone else could.

gluteus What is on your son's birth certificate?

Your DH (so you lied about parentage)
No one (leads to the question of why isn't Dad on it)
The birth father (so that will be a shock)

Omitting something as big as parentage is a very dangerous game. Especially if even 1 other person knows the truth.

As an adult who found out family lies I think yabu, once you find out you can't trust your parents who can you trust? If you've lied about this what else isn't true?

@gluteustothemaximus what about when your son needs his birth certificate for things (or just wants to see it?)

I don't have any experience of this, but I do agree with other posters that being upfront with your children initially would have made it a non issue now.

How does your eldest DC feel?

@ohmyohmy123

My daughter was brought up by my husband and sees him as dad. Never had contact with any other dad. There was never a reason to tell the younger ones anything - they've never asked as there's been no reason to. She's their sister and that's it. Had their been a reason to say anything we would have I suppose.

Now my 11 year old thinks he's not a real brother and is confused (he's asd so is literal).

I would raise Hell in your situation. In laws wouldn’t see any of my children again.

As sure as night follows day, this was going to come out sooner or later.

I don’t know why anyone dresses it up as “oooh it never came up” or “he’s always been a dad to all the kids.”

No, you didn’t tell them because it was easier for you and now it’s massively backfired.

Absolutely it wasn’t your in laws place but this situation is of your own making.

With the common use of dna sites like AncestryDNA this kind of deception can't last a lifetime.
Letting a child spend their whole childhood thinking someone is their birth parent when they aren't is a very damaging thing to do to them.

Hey @ohmyohmy123

I’m so sorry, this was yours to deal with how you saw fit for your family, not how it has been dealt with. I wouldn’t tell my children this if I had been the cousins parenta, there’s no need. It all sounds sneaky.

What does your DH think? What are relations like between older DD and DHs family? And how about you and DHs family?