Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

@Whataroyalannoyance

My 14 year old doesnt know that my 22 year old isn't his full sibling.. My older one never wanted his brother to know and his bio dad has never been on the scene. Different families have different needs. But it was never up to someone else to make that choice for you

It's not up to your older one, everyone deserves the truth. It needn't make a difference, but it's not right to keep secrets.

It's also not fair to expect their cousin, also a child, to keep it secret. YABU.

Well, yanbu to be annoyed, but tbh, I think you have created this situation by not being open and honest from the start. This kind of information should just be the kind of thing that your children have always known, not a secret that ends up with some kind of big reveal. Did your family members even know that you were keeping it a secret? It wouldn't occur to me that children wouldn't be supposed to know this stuff!

I think it's better to be open about these things. I have a DD (33) and 2 DS 15 and 13. We never hid anything and they worked out for themselves when they were in primary school that their big sis had a different Dad as she was born before I met their Dad. Keeping family secrets is never a good idea.

I suspect if the dd was Op’s husband’s daughter the responses would be different.

YANBU, OP. They were utter cunts and I wouldn't be going round there until they apologised.

@Mackie2020

It's also not fair to expect their cousin, also a child, to keep it secret. YABU.

The cousin shouldn't have known.

You've made it a 'thing' by not just casually mentioning this years ago.
It now looks like a dark secret and something hushed and taboo.
If the adults in your family knew you'd chosen not to say anything to your younger dc then I agree it's not kind and very sly of them to be talking of it around/to their dc.

My daughter was brought up by my husband and sees him as dad. Never had contact with any other dad. There was never a reason to tell the younger ones anything - they've never asked as there's been no reason to. She's their sister and that's it. Had their been a reason to say anything we would have I suppose.

Now my 11 year old thinks he's not a real brother and is confused (he's asd so is literal).

I hate the half sibling word. My brother who has a different mum to me is my brother and I very rarely if at all refer to him as my half brother and me his half sister (none of my sisters call him half either )

But it’s never been a secret, I’m surprised it hasn’t ever been mentioned before .

I can understand how this might not have come up or why there might not have been a big reveal about this, but TBH these things have a way of coming out, and it is then that children become upset.

If they’d just known casually from early on this upset wouldn’t have happened.

People talk, often within earshot of children when they don’t realise. They don’t mean to, and it’s not necessarily malicious, but children will listen and then deliver the news in their own way because they don’t know it’s a secret and because the adults haven’t figured out that they know they won’t have been told it’s a secret.

All that needed to happen was for someone to mention your ex in conversation and the penny would have dropped.

I have a cousin who found out he was adopted from a friend at school. It was back in the days when the daughter would have a baby and the parent adopted it, I don’t know how or where it emerged but I do know a friend told him that his mum was his granny or some such.

He was only 6 at the time, so again, nothing malicious, but it has the potential to cause a lot of upset.

FWIW cousin later said to his adoptive mum he was glad it was her and not his a birth mum.

YANBU to be upset

He's confused because it's something that's been keep from him,.making it seem like it's a bad or secret thing.

@ohmyohmy123

My daughter was brought up by my husband and sees him as dad. Never had contact with any other dad. There was never a reason to tell the younger ones anything - they've never asked as there's been no reason to. She's their sister and that's it. Had their been a reason to say anything we would have I suppose.

Now my 11 year old thinks he's not a real brother and is confused (he's asd so is literal).

Surely you can explain this if he’s so literal? ‘Half’ sibling is a real thing too. I do understand why you’re annoyed though. It wasn’t their information to reveal.

I see why you're upset but you should never have kept this secret.

I'd go ballistic - unnecessary and not their job to yall your kids that kind of news - horrible child and horrible MIL too

@SharonasCorona if she wanted to tell them herself then the rest of the family should have been told it was a secret.

You can’t expect people to keep a secret they don’t know is a secret. And saying the cousins ‘shouldn’t know’ is ridiculous - it’s nothing shameful, it could quite easily come up in conversation about family, maybe doing a family tree for school.

What do you mean by not telling them at such an ‘impressionable age’.... impressionable about what?

It should have been something out in the open from the start then it wouldn't have been upsetting, it would have just been normal. But it wasn't the adult's place to tell the cousins without asking you. Maybe they assumed you'd told them but judging by your MILs reaction it sounds like she at least knew you hadn't. I think because it's in laws it probably hurts a bit more than if it was your family as it's like they've been gossiping.

I would have expected them to already know - I’m completely baffled how they don’t, isn’t it obvious from dates? Am I unusual in knowing when my parents met, when and how my in laws met etc?

As for impressionable age - my far younger children already understand that various step relations aren’t biologically related to them, but we love them and they love us just the same. It’s not some dirty secret, just biological fact. No big deal, unless you turn it into one. Surely you realised that if other people knew then your children were going to hear about it.

It’s a shame your children had to hear it in the way they did, but I think you should have told them already, especially as other people knew. These things come out and not always in the way you want them to as you’ve unfortunately now seen.

Really really don't understand why it was a secret.

I'm in the same situation but my little ones always knew their brother had a different dad.

But that doesn't help you. I hope you sort it out.

And didn’t your older DD see her Dad growing up? Or his family? How have you all got the same surname?

[quote JackieTheFart]@SharonasCorona if she wanted to tell them herself then the rest of the family should have been told it was a secret.

You can’t expect people to keep a secret they don’t know is a secret. And saying the cousins ‘shouldn’t know’ is ridiculous - it’s nothing shameful, it could quite easily come up in conversation about family, maybe doing a family tree for school.[/quote]
But they knew OP hadn’t told her DC yet.

Sorry OP, your mistake.

In adoption we are taught to bring children up 'knowing' before understanding, and then things are much less of a big deal.
What age did you think would be suitable to drop a bombshell on them? The older they got the bigger the bombshell. If you had told them age 3 or 4 and reminded them occasionally it wouldn't have been a big deal at all.

The cousin has done you a favour.

YANBU to feel upset, but honestly OP, if lots of other people knew this it was very likely that it would come out sometime. You should have told your DC yourself when they were much younger.