Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

my older child had asked that the younger half sibling weren’t told until they were older because they wanted to feel part of the whole family, nothing different

Why did your older child's request trump your younger child's right to know about their family?

The response should have been to reassure your older child that nothing could threaten their place in your family, that who their dad was makes no difference at all, and that no-one who matters would ever care. By agreeing to their request you tacitly acknowledged that other people's perceptions regarding their parentage did matter.

Yes I agree. Which is why the only way is honesty. My dear dad always said you can't go far wrong with the truth

She wasn't asking them to lie though, why did they need to say anything?

Lies by omission are still lies.

If the OP and her husband want to pretend to their kids that he's father of them all that's their (bad) choice - but why should others just go along with it?

Lying by ommision is still lying.
I found out a few years ago that a child I knew to be my half sister had been lied to about me for her whole life.
It's been the final nail in the coffin for me in terms of my relationship with my Dad and I don't know if the significance of this lie has affected her yet. We haven't met in many years and not since this came out.
I have sympathy for the op as it seems this was meant kindly but it's hard to expose the truth years later without upset..

@CloudPop

It was completely out of order for the in laws to break this news to the children. Outrageously so. Yes they probably should have known, but the fact is that they didn't and it was not the in laws decision to make to tell them.

The inlaws didn't tell them. Their cousin did. And their mother should have long ago. The only one at fault here is OP.

@cloudpop Op is asking others to lie. The MIL will be expected to refer to her grandchildren when she is not her grandchild. Cousins will be expected to pretend this child is a cousin when she is not. That is asking someone to lie.
People may decide someone is like a grandchild or cousin to them, but those decisions are made known the person is not a grandchild or cousin.

So if the MIL signed presents and cards to this child as just her name and to the other grandchildren as granny, then the OP would be up in arms. So she is expecting the MIL to lie to this child.
It is never okay to expect others to lie.

You really should have told them, this whole incident was caused by you. Awful that everyone else in the family knew but them.

@CloudPop

It was completely out of order for the in laws to break this news to the children. Outrageously so. Yes they probably should have known, but the fact is that they didn't and it was not the in laws decision to make to tell them.

The in-laws didn't tell them, it came out in a conversation between children. We don't know how the cousin found out, for all we know she simply overheard something. The in-laws could hardly say their child was lying, could they?

It’s something you probably should have told them but it wasn’t up to someone else to do so. Why on earth do their cousins know if it’s common knowledge your own children don’t. Clearly it’s been discussed in front of them.

Why shouldn't adults mention something that is common knowledge within the family? OP doesn't suggest that she has sworn everyone to secrecy, and indeed it would be ridiculous to do so. The likelihood is that the parents thought OP had done the sensible thing and told her children long, long ago.

@Whataroyalannoyance

My 14 year old doesnt know that my 22 year old isn't his full sibling.. My older one never wanted his brother to know and his bio dad has never been on the scene. Different families have different needs. But it was never up to someone else to make that choice for you

That's awful. With respect, I think you're in for a huge fall out when this comes out. I'd NEVER forgive my Mum for not telling me something as massive as this. I'd see my entire childhood as based on a lie

@gluteustothemaximus

My kids don't know they are half siblings.

I'd rather not get into a discussion about how eldest's father is an abusive piece of shit.

His Dad has always been DH. No one is lying about anything.

But, when I was in touch with other family, they would make comments about when I would tell them, and a cousin even said 'that's not your real dad'. Which he wouldn't have said unless SIL had told him that....and the point of telling him was.....?

Shit stirring cunts.

YABVVVVVVVU

His Dad has always been DH. No one is lying about anything

Your child doesn't know who their biological father is. Your children don't know that they don't share the same biology. You are lying about EVERYTHING.

Seems like there is a few families in similar positions, these situations never end well when the family foundation is built on a lie, the truth can hurt but a lie can be devastating.
Best telling them when they're young in an age appropriate way, small DC are very accepting unlike teenagers or adults.

This is why children need to know in age appropriate terms their circumstances. Getting to 11 not knowing such things is hard. We've always talked about the difficult subjects (death, bereavement, adoption, half and step relations etc) in simple terms from an early age.

Those who are refusing to tell their children the truth about their bio parent - why don't you just say your DH is a step parent? What do you expect will happen when (and it is a when) they find out? Have you asked people such as your families to keep up the pretence?

I can totally understand that the thought of them not seeing your DH as a parent would be hurtful, or it may be that you see it as unlikely that they'd even be bothered. But as a very basic right, every person deserves to know where they came from. It's not up to you to decide how your child feels about their biology. Even though their bio parent may be abusive or will have done a runner, there's still a whole other family - grandparents aunties cousins etc - you're choosing for them not to know. These things never end well and your children won't thank you.

I was the one who told some kids that their beloved brother (my ex) was only a half sibling. Felt bad at the time, it came out in an absolute rage... but at the same time, they should have known anyway.

I'm really sad to see how many families have been affected by this sort of lie.

I think it's about shame really, isn't it? Shame about being 'spoiled goods' or having a wife or DIL who is 'spoiled goods', or shame about having landed DC with a violent/feckless/uninterested father. But that shame should be for the adults to work through and dispense with, not for the child to be lumbered with and just cross your fingers it never comes out.

BTW, I disagree with pp saying it's up to the in-laws whether they perceive the child as their grandchild etc. I mean it is to an extent but if my family made a significant distinction between a child I was biologically parent to and a child I had jointly raised from babyhood and who did not have another half of the family of their own, I would be pissed off to the extent I would consider breaking contact tbh. It's a weird and damaging double standard IMO.