Family member telling my children their sister is a half sister

[ohmyohmy123]

At a family party, my two younger children who are under 12 were upstairs with their cousin of the same age - cousin tells them that their older sister is only their half sister and their dad is not hers.

They come down to ask me visibly upset by this and confused that I would keep a secret from them. Mil then says "oh dear, are you going to tell them now" in earshot of the children.

Older sibling is in 20's so older but still lives at home and is close. Husband brought them up from very young so is dad in everyone's eyes.

There was no reason for cousin to even know as they are same age and wouldn't have known or needed to and definitely shouldn't have told my children. Her parents have obviously told her the details of it all.

I haven't received an apology from the parents or my mil - aibu to expect one? I am so angry about it because it's something that had nothing to do with them and was said at the wrong time. It's not that it was a big secret but I would have liked to tell the children myself and not at such an impressionable age!

Regardless of whether MIL or cousin were unreasonable, you need to speak to your children. You say under 12 so I am guessing one of them is 11. They really need to know and should have known years ago. For context, I was 3 when I was told that my father left me and my mum and my dad was actually my step dad. It caused no issues whatsoever and I respect my mum for being so honest with me.

I think you have left it so painfully late for the 11 year old, how old is your youngest?

My 14 year old doesnt know that my 22 year old isn't his full sibling.. My older one never wanted his brother to know and his bio dad has never been on the scene. Different families have different needs. But it was never up to someone else to make that choice for you

Its nothing to do with your young DC and I presume elder DS is aware of his parentage?

How dare it be revealed to them in this way. YANBU.

I don’t think you should’ve hidden it. I’m the older sister in this scenario. It is of no use to anyone to cloak everything in secrecy.

I’m sorry your dc were upset. Did the family know you had kept it a secret?

I can’t understand why they didn’t know already OP. You said it’s not a big secret, but really you’ve made it in to one.

Yanbu for being annoyed but you should have been open about this from the start. The longer you keep secrets from your children the bigger deal it is, and the more likely it is they will learn from someone else.

Well, she is their half sister. It's not a dirty word! It's accurate! Why do you feel it needed to be hushed up? Nothing at all shameful about it. Blended families are totally normal and hurrah for that.

Did they not already know? I’m more shocked by that tbh. I have half siblings but we’ve always known

I'm from a family that lied and lied about this sort of thing. You do not have any sympathy from me. There was no reason to lie!! Literally no one would have given two fucks if you'd have been honest from the start.

Grimace. Of course you should have been open and truthful with your children. It was unkind to let them believe an untruth.

YABU.

Another one not understanding how the children didn’t already know this, it shouldn’t have been a big deal because it shouldn’t have been a secret in the first place!

If it wasn’t a big secret then why are you upset? If it was a secret, then family should have known not to share.

I’m sorry I think this is your fault for not telling them sooner.

Well I guess they shouldn't have said anything, but perhaps they assumed that, at that age, you would have told them already?

Presumably, you mean 10/11, so they are plenty old enough to understand it all and the fact that they are upset that you 'kept a secret' from them suggests that they feel you've been deceptive in not telling them. Rather than looking for an apology from other people, I think I would be concentrating on my own children and how they feel about things.

I am very sorry, but you are unreasonable. You can't lie to children about the parentage of their siblings.

Having a half sibling is incredibly normal, telling them the truth would not have caused any upset. The lie likely will.

I agree that children should grow up knowing their family dynamic. The bombshell never ends well. It shouldn't/wouldn't have changed their relationship with their sibling. Bad move OP.

MIL and the cousin's parents were out of order but I think your children should have already known, sorry.

My mother refused to talk about mine and my sister's fathers. Different setups but the effect for both was that we didn't really know things about us that felt important and we weren't equipped to answer the usual inquisitive questions from other children at school.

My own children are donor conceived and I've talked to them about it since before they could understand, really, because I've never wanted them to feel that inability to describe their family.

@honeylulu

Well, she is their half sister. It's not a dirty word! It's accurate! Why do you feel it needed to be hushed up? Nothing at all shameful about it. Blended families are totally normal and hurrah for that.

Yes, I agree with this, hiding it makes it seem like a dirty secret.

I find it really bizarre that you kept this from them. There would be no upset if you were open and honest with them. Family secrets are awful.

No sympathy from me either. Someone had to tell them!

@VivaDixie

Regardless of whether MIL or cousin were unreasonable, you need to speak to your children. You say under 12 so I am guessing one of them is 11. They really need to know and should have known years ago. For context, I was 3 when I was told that my father left me and my mum and my dad was actually my step dad. It caused no issues whatsoever and I respect my mum for being so honest with me.

I think you have left it so painfully late for the 11 year old, how old is your youngest?

That’s not the AIBU!

It was not in laws place to talk to anyone about this.

I imagine they assumed your kids already knew. Why would that be secret?. You've set yourself up for exactly this problem. I known since I was little my older siblings had a different dad it wasn't upsetting just a basic fact.

It’s a pretty important piece of information, could she have thought they knew already, they are at an age where they can understand this.
Is there a particular reason you didn’t tell them?

@JackieTheFart

If it wasn’t a big secret then why are you upset? If it was a secret, then family should have known not to share.

I’m sorry I think this is your fault for not telling them sooner.

Because it’s not something to be ashamed of but OP wanted to tell them herself.

Too late now but it's generally better to tell children stuff like that when they're little so they grow up as it just being how things are, rather than an older child receiving it as a devastating revelation that turns their entire understanding of their childhood upside down.