If a step parent is a SAHP...

[PurfectlyCatish]

AIBU to ask your opinion?

Another thread inspired this but I'm interested in opinions as it may possibly be my situation at some point.

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

YABU - the SAHP should do the care for all the children when they stay, step or not.

YANBU - the SAHP only has responsibility for their own DC and the parents of DSC should make their own arrangements for things like school and holidays.

Yes I would expect it if the actual parent was working to faciliate the step-parent staying at home. If they were disabled, on mat leave, or recovering from an illness then I wouldn’t expect it.

There is not default answer. This is something that gets negotiated between the spouses when deciding if the step parent should be a sahp.

It totally depends on the agreement between the step parent and their partner.

Any time I was SAHP all the children were included in the SAH plans, inc my step-son.

DH was the main earner and that covered my two girls that aren’t his so for us it was a fair balance.

I think it’s unlikely that a the majority of couples could afford for one to be a SAHP, but the working one also having to take school holidays and/or pay for childcare

@Castlepeak

There is not default answer. This is something that gets negotiated between the spouses when deciding if the step parent should be a sahp.

Of course but I'm asking for people's personal opinions.

Would you think it wrong/right/whatever for a SAHP step parent to not also be so for their step children when they were there by doing things like, for example, caring for them over the school holidays, taking them to school and everything else a SAHP does.

If she:he was happy with that I'd not have a problem.

Absolutely not.

Are you asking if a SAHP should NOT return to work to look after the step kids, or are you asking if a SAHP should cover the majority of parenting tasks when the step kids are with them?

I'm surprised at the poll answers. I was a stay at home parent to my two kids and we had residential custody of one step child and part time with the other. There was a bit of a gap between the two lots, but yes u cooked smd did yhr laundry snd collected from school etc for all.
When you blend families then wherever the child is, the parent, step or not, that's there is responsible for the care and well being of them. If you are not prepared to take this role, you should not consider marrying someone with kids.

Who has principle residency?

If it's the usual 5/2 split, then the family with the 5 day residency would be expected to 'pick up the slack' so to speak. These arrangements are made within your own family unit.

I would not expect the step-parent in the 2 day scenario to juggle life to cover the 5 day parent responsibilities other than in extreme circumstances

@MagnoliaBeige

Are you asking if a SAHP should NOT return to work to look after the step kids, or are you asking if a SAHP should cover the majority of parenting tasks when the step kids are with them?

The second.

So someone who is a SAHP to their DC but who also has DSC. Should they also be expected to do what a SAHP does for the DSC as well.

It has to be judged on a case by case basis surely? Too many variables

I’m a step mum in this situation with expectations I am available for my step children (who I love totally). and I can say there is no answer it depends on so so so many variables. There isn’t one model for parenting blended and step families that works in all situations - if there was it would be an easier task to be a step parent to in a blended family.

Then my answer would be yes, I’d expect in most cases for the SAHP to do what is needed when the stepchildren are staying with them. But in my experience, step children have fully blended into the family and are treated the same as the children of their parent & step-parent.

I think it's something you have to decide with your partner, where will the step children go if they're not with the SAHP though? It puts a lot of responsibility on the SAHP but it does make sense to do it that way IMO.

It's dependent on residency obviously if child is there 100% or even75% of the time it's more likely to. But if not then no I wouldn't expect a step parent to be the fall back/default for all holidays/school runs no regardless if they were a SAHP or not!

Its a bit like assuming free childcare just because someone has free time!

So someone who is a SAHP to their DC but who also has DSC. Should they also be expected to do what a SAHP does for the DSC as well

Do the step children live there the majority of the time?
The step parents children - are they brought into the relationship or are they half siblings?

If I were negotiating, I would say that during maternity leave, mom has no responsibility for step children. That should be time dedicated just to her child and should be carved out regardless of the existence of any other children.

Outside of maternity leave, I think either spouse being a SAHP or working reduced hours is going to be doing so on the understanding that part of the job is making the household function and that includes caring for the step-children to some extent. The SAHP doesn’t take on all household responsibility, they just take on a larger share. So if it happens that the division of labor that makes the most sense includes shuttling the step-kids to dance class then that becomes a SAHP job.

On second thoughts, by extension of marrying someone with children, you assume the role of parent

*It's dependent on residency obviously if child is there 100% or even75% of the time it's more likely to. But if not then no I wouldn't expect a step parent to be the fall back/default for all holidays/school runs no regardless if they were a SAHP or not!

Its a bit like assuming free childcare just because someone has free time!*

This. If it’s the parents day to have the sdc then they arrange childcare, and obviously the easiest would be for the step parent to pick up from school etc if feasable.

But the sahp is not a childminder and shouldn’t be expected to provide childcare for the other parent- so on those days the mum should make their own arrangements.

Probably. But only if they are actually a step parent, ie married, and also given latitude to parent in their own way. This includes being able to insist on manners and helping out from the DSC. It needs to be negotiated.

Oh I was only referring to time when they expect in advance to have the DSC. Obviously no springing it in them, that's just manners.

I think the SAHP would do school runs etc for the days the DSC are with the SAHP parent's partner, as long as the DSC and both their birth parents are totally supportive of the SAHP bring in loco parentis and the arrangements are realistic.

The moment the SAHP is asked to drive 45 minutes each way twice a day to a school four villages or half a city away, perhaps with a baby half-sib in the back of the car, the deal is off. Likewise the first time a DSC kicks off about getting up/into the car/out of the car/doing homework and says "You're not my parent, you can't tell me what to do!" because that makes the whole arrangement unworkable and unsafe for everyone.

At that point, the birth parents need to get their heads together and either make suitable alternative arrangements or tackle and fix the child's attitude.

What a SAHP or any DSP does not need nor have to put up with is being piggy-in-the-middle between warring exes and their unco-operative offspring.

Agree, too many variables. Overall, yes, I'd expect the SAHP to take SC on as well. However, depending on how much time the actual parent has the child, I'd expect him/her to also step up. Eg if SC are around 1 day a week and EOW, then it's really important the actual parent is spending time with them. If however SC are mostly with the family with a SAHP, then it would be reasonable for the SAHP to treat the SC in the same way as their own DC.

No the child/ren already have a mother and father.
Whether a sahm or wohm you have no reason to mind step kids, the partner should sort it out or the childs mother.

Impossible to answer without greater detail. Ages? Same school? Residency? How many days per week?

In practice, this might mean: leaving step DC at an after school club/ childminder while own dc come home with you. Or taking your own dc to the park or whatever while step dc go to a holiday club during school holidays.

If dc are all close-ish in age, I don't see how it would work without some pretty uncomfortable situations arising. If step dc are older and dc are baby/toddler, then that's easier for a sah step parent to negotiate.

But essentially, there is no reason for a step parent to be child care for children not his or her own.