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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a step parent is a SAHP...

359 replies

PurfectlyCatish · 24/05/2021 15:49

AIBU to ask your opinion?

Another thread inspired this but I'm interested in opinions as it may possibly be my situation at some point.

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

YABU - the SAHP should do the care for all the children when they stay, step or not.

YANBU - the SAHP only has responsibility for their own DC and the parents of DSC should make their own arrangements for things like school and holidays.

OP posts:
Getawaywithit · 24/05/2021 17:31

I think what you’re asking in your OP is: should SAHM step mothers be free childcare for the DSCs working mother?

OP specifically asked when the child is due to be at their home?

So no, that’s not what was being asked.

TillyTopper · 24/05/2021 17:31

I don't think there is a right or wrong - but it's got to be agreed up front beforehand as to who does what.

Bibidy · 24/05/2021 17:32

@MintyMabel

Would you think it wrong/right/whatever for a SAHP step parent to not also be so for their step children when they were there by doing things like, for example, caring for them over the school holidays, taking them to school and everything else a SAHP does

Why would what I (or anyone else thinks) be an issue?

If two adults make an arrangement that suits them, what does it matter what others think? I don't think there is a default, or right/wrong solution, it is what works for families.

Surely you could apply that logic to every single thread on this site and then Mumsnet would be totally redundant!
NewMatress · 24/05/2021 17:32

If I was supporting my partner so they could stay at home to care for their/our children, I would expect them to do the same for mine when they were with us, yes.

Similarly, if I was SAHP, I'd expect to do the same for all the children in the household. The alternative is the working parents either works less or pays for child care, both of which would have an immediate detrimental effect on the household.

This is a classic you knew what you were getting into situation, surely?

Bibidy · 24/05/2021 17:34

@PurfectlyCatish

This isn't my situation yet. But it's a conversation that me and DH are going to need to have soon so I'm just not sure what is / isn't reasonable of me to suggest I do.

There are a few things which I don't agree with and which I wouldn't want to do myself if I were to take on DSC too whilst being a SAHM. For example, I think they are babied quite a lot with things like DH will get up and make their breakfast for them in the mornings, they have never once made their own breakfast, even eldest who's in secondary school. He will run around in the morning whilst they sit about doing this. I would not be doing that.

Ditto taking the eldest to the gate. Imo they are old enough and mature enough to get the bus as lots of other children going to that school do but DH and ex take them.

H often has a lot of extra time during the holidays which is fine and has a generally relaxed attitude toward contact i.e. will agree to have DSC whenever asked and at the drop of a hat which is absolutely fine, but I don't want the expectation to be that I will be available whenever he decides. I would like to be able to plan outings with DC in mind and not have to swap and change things all the time etc...

So basically I don't mind helping. But I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable taking on everything to do with DSC and certainly not the way it is now.

OP, honestly, say no. It is much harder to stop doing it (without drama) once you've started than it is to just say no in the first place.

The very most I would agree to is the odd day in school holidays, I definitely wouldn't want to do any school runs. It will massively limit what you can do with your own child.

What is the reason why your DP can't continue to do all this it if he does it now?

CassandraTrotter · 24/05/2021 17:35

Im torn with the update as they are all such different ages and it would massively inconvenience the sahp and also the toddler. With my toddler I was at classes every morning. Adding a school run would have had the toddler in the car for an hour before we go to the class. So unacceptable. School pick up at 3 would have bothered me much less as it is after nap and before dinner.

In the holidays it would be even more difficult as what outings and activities suit a toddler, primary and secondary child? In the holidays i would insist dad and mum arrange their holiday to cover it and id do odd days

Bibidy · 24/05/2021 17:35

@NewMatress

If I was supporting my partner so they could stay at home to care for their/our children, I would expect them to do the same for mine when they were with us, yes.

Similarly, if I was SAHP, I'd expect to do the same for all the children in the household. The alternative is the working parents either works less or pays for child care, both of which would have an immediate detrimental effect on the household.

This is a classic you knew what you were getting into situation, surely?

Only if this was discussed and agreed at the time of OP becoming a SAHM so she knew this was the deal.
WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 24/05/2021 17:36

if their dad can't manage the logistics of having them that often then he shouldn't have them that often.

What if mum "can't manage" the logistics of having them more often either?

CassandraTrotter · 24/05/2021 17:36

What is the reason why your DP can't continue to do all this it if he does it now?

This.

Rejoiningperson · 24/05/2021 17:37

NO way should a step parent be treated as a parent.

Which is what this is. I have more than opinions, I’ve been in this position and naively thought I’d help out as much as I could. Big big mistake and actually one of the regrets I have in life is spending so much time on step kids being their carer. They didn’t really like it and didn’t like my parenting style, in fact refused to acknowledge me in a parent mode.

This isn’t uncommon in a step child, and really, why should they be suddenly ‘given’ another parent?

People can say all they like, well it’s just picking them up from school etc, but unless it really is just giving more kids a lift (which is fine) - it inevitably will end up with you as loco parentis- checking homework, sorting disputes, cooking dinner. For kids who see only that their own parents have washed their hands of the responsibility.

I think that this can only work if the children are without a parent for some reason and have bonded with the step parent. Otherwise it’s just asking for a whole heap of trouble.

leftout1 · 24/05/2021 17:38

You should treat all of the children the same. If you can't do that, then don't marry someone who already has children.

My ExH partner was a total cow - she'd run her own DD to school and leave mine to walk. They went to the same fucking school.

Please, please don't treat SC like 2nd class citizens.

User1357 · 24/05/2021 17:39

I’m a parent and step parent. I only work two days a week so if it’s the holidays I will look after step child as well. I do not do the school run on a Friday though. I’ve done that for my eldest and now youngest, I am not doing it for step child as well. I will do it in an emergency but that is all.

JMKid · 24/05/2021 17:39

I would be annoyed if time was being taken away from me when I'm at home from work/holidays for DC to be other parent yet it wasnt even him that was doing all the run around that I do on a day to day basis and expecting it to be left to someone else. Dont have them if cant look after them yourself.

tattleandbagels · 24/05/2021 17:41

NO way should a step parent be treated as a parent.

no, but you can't refuse to have a job and leave all the financial burden on your partner's shoulder and refuse to help with the kids.

Either you are in a partnership or you are not.

Bibidy · 24/05/2021 17:42

@WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo

if their dad can't manage the logistics of having them that often then he shouldn't have them that often.

What if mum "can't manage" the logistics of having them more often either?

But they both would, that's the point.

They have coped up until a SAHM luckily landed in their laps, and now they are both trying to make their own lives easier by making OP's harder.

Youdoyoutoday · 24/05/2021 17:42

My DP moved in with me and DS, about a year in he got made redundant and took on full duties of the house and childcare, school runs, whilst I went to work, he organised day trips during half term, went out with my DS and my folks. When he got a new job, we paid for child care.
We had a baby and because of covid, I've now been made redundant so I'm the SAHP.

We spoke about all of this and he said that he knew the deal when he moved in so, of course, he would help in every way he could with my DS.

I think when you go in to a relationship with someone who already has children, you need to talk about stuff like this.

Rtmhwales · 24/05/2021 17:42

I'm not a SAHP. I work full time 39 weeks a year (school year in North America) and earn similar to DH, I still offer to watch the DSC through all school holidays (they're here 50/50) because paying for childcare out of our family money doesn't really benefit us as a family when a capable parent is at home. That said, I volunteered and if I asked for them to be put in childcare I think he would. When I'm on maternity leave next year I'll do all the drop offs and pick ups for school as well.

tattleandbagels · 24/05/2021 17:42

It's a completely different scenario if you are home on annual leave or between shifts, and time is mainly your own, and if you are a SAH parent expecting your partner to pay all the bills.

SharonasCorona · 24/05/2021 17:43

This isn't my situation yet. But it's a conversation that me and DH are going to need to have soon so I'm just not sure what is / isn't reasonable of me to suggest I do.

This thread may be useful for you OP. The OP's DH agreed with his ex that they would have SDC more than 50% of the time, with OP taking care of the kids - without asking OP's permission!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4249207-To-say-no-to-this-unless-DH-sorts-everything-himself

Willyoujustbequiet · 24/05/2021 17:43

Yes of course if the step parent has the luxury of being a SAHM because their DP provides financially then damn right they should.

Bibidy · 24/05/2021 17:43

@leftout1

You should treat all of the children the same. If you can't do that, then don't marry someone who already has children.

My ExH partner was a total cow - she'd run her own DD to school and leave mine to walk. They went to the same fucking school.

Please, please don't treat SC like 2nd class citizens.

But reading OP's posts, you can see this is a completely different scenario.
funinthesun19 · 24/05/2021 17:44

And as for club runs, it’s an absolute pain in the arse dragging all of my own children on the bus to swimming lessons, juggling a toddler who doesn’t want to do as they’re told. Every Saturday morning we do this, and it’s quite exhausting.
But I do it because I’m their mum and they enjoy it. And as a mum it’s rewarding to see them progress and do so well. So I know it isn’t time wasted, no matter how difficult it can be at times.
I have also hung about after school for an hour with my bored children while one of them does football club/maths club/karate club after school.

I absolutely wouldn’t do all of that with clubs like that for a stepchild. And when I was a stepparent I never did.

tattleandbagels · 24/05/2021 17:44

They have coped up until a SAHM luckily landed in their laps, and now they are both trying to make their own lives easier by making OP's harder.

I am not sure how having to be financially responsible for another adult is making anyone's life "easier"? (apart for the SAH partner)
Might as well get a nanny or childminder with a clear set of responsibilities.

It's not a dig against SAH partners, but you can't have it both ways. If you are in a relationship, you help each other out.

HavelockVetinari · 24/05/2021 17:46

It sounds like you have a fair and balanced attitude to it all.

I definitely agree that your DH needs to ensure there's some kind of schedule/plan for the holidays that is pre-agreed with you, it's not fair to spring 2 extra kids on you without asking whether you already have plans.

Egghead81 · 24/05/2021 17:46

I will never ever blend families
Ever
To have to do stuff like this regularly for other children would drive me potty

My children are my world.
And that’s that. Other children can go jump (obviously adore my nieces and nephews so might make an exception for them!)