If a step parent is a SAHP...

[PurfectlyCatish]

AIBU to ask your opinion?

Another thread inspired this but I'm interested in opinions as it may possibly be my situation at some point.

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

YABU - the SAHP should do the care for all the children when they stay, step or not.

YANBU - the SAHP only has responsibility for their own DC and the parents of DSC should make their own arrangements for things like school and holidays.

When the children are with the ex, they are the ex's problem and responsibility.

When they are at their parent's home, I think it's weird if a step-parent doesn't want to have anything to do with the step-children. All kids would be a big group, the same way as cousins would be included if they are at your home.

I think the step-parent should get a job and be financially independent, not rely on their partner to pay the bills but refuse to take care of the kids.

A few clubs, holiday clubs to keep them occupy, fine.
Refusing to do school run, club run when you don't work? Weird.

@CoolCatTaco

Why don't you want to help?

Just guessing but I'd imagine because it's a huge pain in the arse to have to drag your toddler around to drop children off at two separate schools 3 days a week? That's tough enough for parents when it's their own kids, let alone if the only child that is actually your responsibility and who are you are SAHM for doesn't even need any of this yet.

YANBU in answer to your original question.

Helping if there's an emergency - fair enough. Responsibility for day-to-day child care is up to the parent.

The answer is that the Dad should become an SAHD and then he gets to look after all his kids . The new wife can then work FT

No, the WOHP is facilitating the SAHM to stay home and look after THEIR OWN children, not step-DC.

If SAHP does want to provide care for DSC it should be their decision.

No, I would not. The parents parent their kids. Is this another case of a man who remarries a mug who then procreates with him and he expects her to do all the donkey work of parenting his kids from his previous relationship?

I think that it would be reasonable for the step parent to be a stay at home parent to all of the children of the household, but only so far as the working parent has responsibility for the children at the time.

So I wouldn't expect the step parent to pick up her own child from school but leave the working parent to leave work to collect the step child or pay for childcare. But I wouldn't expect the step parent to pick up the step child for the step child's other parent.

Same in the holidays. I would expect the step parent to take care of the step child in the holidays when it is the working parent's time, rather than the working parent having to pay for summer camps, but I would not expect the step parent to look after the step child during the times that their other parent is responsible for them.

Of course if the step parent is happy to do more then that would be great, and I would also expect a reasonable person to step up in an emergency and do what was necessary to take care of all of the kids. But the only thing that really matters is what you and your partner decide is reasonable.

@PurfectlyCatish

Oh and DSC are here 3 nights a week.

I’d say on the three days they are in your home you and your DH have to decide what works when they are with you.

In my case that meant being the SAHP to all of the children. DH would have stayed in his old job and I’d have gone back to work if that wasn’t the choice. He couldn’t facilitate both me being SAHM to our child and juggle DS.

You need to work out what works for your family.

No default answer.

That’s how it works in my house. I look after my step daughter and do all school runs and everything else I do for my own children while partner is working/our/whatever when she is with us, and I would have her or do things whenever her mum needed me to in her time as well, it’s my choice though, not what’s expected of me

It’s good for some, not for others.

It was when the ex wife started to try using my circumstances as a SAHM to her benefit that used to REALLY piss me off.
I could cope with helping my ex as my time helping him with dscs ultimately helped our own household to function more smoothly.
But I was exhausted and life felt really hard work, and I felt like the ex wife really tried her luck with me at times and I felt like she had absolutely no respect for me at all. She was getting by just nicely in her own life, and expected me to make her life even more comfortable. I wasn’t jealous before anyone says anything. But I was irritated that some people can be so thoughtless and so wrapped up in their own to really think how their actions make others feel and how they think they’re owed everything.

The answer is that the Dad should become an SAHD and then he gets to look after all his kids . The new wife can then work FT

Only usually then he is wrong for giving up work and not paying CM.

If the sahp is providing all ex’s childcare, do they get a reduction in CM?

*their own lives

Refusing to do school run, club run when you don't work? Weird.

I honestly don't see how that's weird at all? No one wants to do school runs, they're a pain in the arse, particularly when we are talking about 2 separate schools AND with another young child to manage as well.

Afternoon pick up is right in the middle of the day so it means OP can't just do as she pleases with her own child on the days she'd be doing it, which presumably is the whole point of her being a SAHM.

Helping out here and there is fine but it is on the parents to manage stuff like school runs, it's not fair of them to both take advantage of OP just because she is at home looking after a toddler.

So I wouldn't expect the step parent to pick up her own child from school but leave the working parent to leave work to collect the step child or pay for childcare. But I wouldn't expect the step parent to pick up the step child for the step child's other parent.

Surely this only applies if they're at the same school though? Which isn't the case here.

@anniegun

The answer is that the Dad should become an SAHD and then he gets to look after all his kids . The new wife can then work FT

that wouldn't work because the new wife would resent paying for the step-kids...

I think I saw the other thread you mention OP.
I think when you marry someone with kids they come as a package so inevitably you will need to step up into a parenting role , if you are at home looking after dc then I think in most circumstances its ok to extend that to dsc if OH is at work, however their dad will need to be there a lot as well, its him who the contact time is with so I think communication is key.

I think you need to remind the parents of their role, because you aren't default childcare, and no way would I have them at holidays, their parents should be doing this, not you.
They both have a bloody cheek tbh, but especially your partner.
Remember, no is a complete sentence, ffs don't martyr yourself for anyone.

Refusing to do school run, club run when you don't work? Weird.

The only reason I picked former dsc up from school was because I was going that way anyway to pick my OWN children up. Otherwise I may have said no.
And club runs were a no anyway.

Would you think it wrong/right/whatever for a SAHP step parent to not also be so for their step children when they were there by doing things like, for example, caring for them over the school holidays, taking them to school and everything else a SAHP does

Why would what I (or anyone else thinks) be an issue?

If two adults make an arrangement that suits them, what does it matter what others think? I don't think there is a default, or right/wrong solution, it is what works for families.

It's the NRPs issue to discuss with their new spouse, surely?

Yes, I can’t imagine having someone funding je to stay home and then me refusing to look after their children.

If I had step kids and was available for school run because doing it for my own kids anyway then I would also do it for my step kids (assuming we got on). In a practical sense likely they would be at different schools so not possible.

I would expect to be a SAHP to DSC on the days we were having them. So if it was our night then yes I'd be picking them up from school and taking them the next morning. Not on their DM nights though.

It depends on the situation.
Generally speaking, I'd say the child's parent has a responsibility to make appropriate arrangements for 'their time' with the children. That might mean that they arrange for their child to be in wrap around care on certain days, or it might mean that their partner (who is a SAHP) has all children in place of wraparound. Both are acceptable.

In the holidays, the parent has a responsibility to arrange appropriate childcare for their days. This might mean the parent pays for professional childcare, or the parent had to take annual leave, or the parent asks for grandparent support, or it could mean that the parent's SAHP partner has all children at home. All are acceptable.

What is decided between a parent and their new partner is between them and there is no right or wrong way to do it. I would think it's a bit much for a new partner who is a SAHP to refuse to do anything on the grounds that their SC aren't their children because they chose to get into a relationship and have more children with someone who has children. I'd find myself rolling my eyes a little if their whole approach is "I had a baby with someone who already has children, but now my baby is here i don't see why I should include my child's siblings".

This isn't my situation yet. But it's a conversation that me and DH are going to need to have soon so I'm just not sure what is / isn't reasonable of me to suggest I do.

There are a few things which I don't agree with and which I wouldn't want to do myself if I were to take on DSC too whilst being a SAHM. For example, I think they are babied quite a lot with things like DH will get up and make their breakfast for them in the mornings, they have never once made their own breakfast, even eldest who's in secondary school. He will run around in the morning whilst they sit about doing this. I would not be doing that.

Ditto taking the eldest to the gate. Imo they are old enough and mature enough to get the bus as lots of other children going to that school do but DH and ex take them.

H often has a lot of extra time during the holidays which is fine and has a generally relaxed attitude toward contact i.e. will agree to have DSC whenever asked and at the drop of a hat which is absolutely fine, but I don't want the expectation to be that I will be available whenever he decides. I would like to be able to plan outings with DC in mind and not have to swap and change things all the time etc...

So basically I don't mind helping. But I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable taking on everything to do with DSC and certainly not the way it is now.