If a step parent is a SAHP...

[PurfectlyCatish]

AIBU to ask your opinion?

Another thread inspired this but I'm interested in opinions as it may possibly be my situation at some point.

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

YABU - the SAHP should do the care for all the children when they stay, step or not.

YANBU - the SAHP only has responsibility for their own DC and the parents of DSC should make their own arrangements for things like school and holidays.

Oops! Got that muddled up. Should say:

It depends. Are they dating or married and a proper family? Is it a new relationship or a longterm and committed one?

If either of the latter, then yes, I'd think it was awful for the parent not to care for their step child as well as their own. They aren't a proper family if they don't and shouldn't have formed a new family unit if they aren't prepared to embrace their SC as their own.

But if it's either of the former options, i wouldn't expect the stepparent to take care of stepchildren. Like if someone was already a SAHP before meeting their boyfriend/girlfriend and then their boyfriend/girlfriend just suddenly decided they could provide them with free childcare, then I wouldn't think this was fair.

Most second families do not work and have too much strife, and I think it’s the step mums and the kids who suffer most. Dads seem pretty oblivious on the whole.

Amen. Dads seem to live in blissful ignorance. Just enjoying every piece of their cake!!

@DinoHat soooo frustrating!

It has made me overall think that it is so much better not to separate in the first place, if we can possibly help it. Have better and happier marriages. Most second families do not work and have too much strife, and I think it’s the step mums and the kids who suffer most. Dads seem pretty oblivious on the whole. Of course I’m glad I’m not with my Ex, but I really would have spent more time finding someone much more of a sure bet marriage wise if I lived my life again!

I agree with this, although I do genuinely think things can work but only if both parties are reasonable with their expectations. Which can happen, but it takes work and a lot of understanding from both sides.

I do think that a lot of misery comes from the parent (and sometimes even the step-parent too) expecting it to feel and act like a biological family, and then feeling like it's their partner's fault when it doesn't. When the reality is that it's such a rare few cases where it actually works that way, and it's usually when there is a vacancy for the step-parent to fill, not when there are two parents still very much present.

I think it depends what your overall parental role is with the SDC.

For example, if they are to be treated no differently to your own children by you, ie you cook for them, clean for them, discipline them, they respect you, join in with all outings etc.... then I would be taking on things like the school run as part of the course.

If they were "you're not my mum" little buggers who refused to listen to you, run amok, and you weren't allowed to say anything about it because the biological parents didn't anyone else telling them off, then I definitely wouldn't be ferrying them around and providing them with free childcare all day.

It works both ways for this to work. Be the loving, caring, respected step mum. But don't be the taken for granted, disrespected pack horse.

@sassbott
I fundamentally disagree. I think if you enter into a serious, committed relationship with a man with dependent children (especially if it involves living with him), then to compartmentalise those children as ‘absolutely nothing to do with me’ is just plain wrong.

Well you’re welcome to that opinion @FloconDeNeige and we will have to agree to disagree. When I say ‘nothing to do with me’, please also take note of the fact that it is incumbent on me to be kind, inclusive, welcoming and boundaried to any child in my environment, and that would extend to any children of my partners.

Is it on me to ensure their school bags are packed? Packed lunches done? Homework done? Uniform ready? School trips paid for? School holiday care sorted? School runs done? House rules/ bedtime imposed?

No. Not one bit. Why would it be? They’re not my children and to be frank I have paid help to help with all of my Mine after school / pick ups/ clubs/ uniform. Are you suggesting that it would then be incumbent on me to pay hundreds more to provide the same care/ support for his children? Not a chance.

If I as a parent can hold down a job and sort my children, why is it completely wrong of me to expect a man to be able to do the same?

I parent my children differently as resident children. He had contact EOW which meant he wanted to parent differently. Is that on me to step in an ‘have something to do’ with them having a late bedtime?’ It’s none of my business.

You can stand by your line all you wish. I stand (firmly) by the line that anyone’s primary job in entering into a relationship with anyone who has children is to respect their priorities. Their time with their children.

You actually haven’t answered whether you have any first hand experience of being a step parent. Or a step child.

What is your first hand experience of these setups? Since you have such strident views on what is right and wrong

@DinoHat
Sounds like you have your hands full with a Disney dad intent of shirking his responsibilities and flirting in and out if he can get away with it.

@aSofaNearYou
I think what you have written is perfectly clear.
YOU are not to be taken for granted. End of.
Perfectly reasonable.
I bet you would help if asked and it suited you, but it has been made perfectly clear to your husband that no assumptions are to be made and presumed on YOUR time.
Perfectly reasonable.

MN is full of Dads nowhere to be seen, volunteering their wives for childminding, half the time without even the basic courtesy of consultation.
I certainly wouldn't tolerate the disrespect and discourtesy that a lot of SP's tolerate.

So @asofa has got the right idea IMO.

But I do think there are more situations where this isn't the case and people are happy to accept their partner's kids, like them and get along with them really well, but become resentful when their partner dumps loads of the work that an actual parent should be doing on them.

Exactly right.
Thing is, I did care about my ex’s child and accepted them. But I also had my limits and saw certain things as jobs what the parents should be doing and not me. Apparently I’m vile for that.
You can be a caring about your stepchildren and at the same time you can be less involved with the children than the parents.
And when the parents dump everything on the stepmum, of course it causes resentment. People who think it shouldn’t cause resentment are extremely deluded.

Thankyou @billy1966, and yes I have helped my DP with DSS many times, the point is that he knows to ask and knows it's a favour from me, he doesn't expect me to have him purely because I am at home with DD.