If a step parent is a SAHP...

[PurfectlyCatish]

AIBU to ask your opinion?

Another thread inspired this but I'm interested in opinions as it may possibly be my situation at some point.

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

YABU - the SAHP should do the care for all the children when they stay, step or not.

YANBU - the SAHP only has responsibility for their own DC and the parents of DSC should make their own arrangements for things like school and holidays.

I don't agree with a DSM becoming the default carer of her SDC because she's the woman in the family, but I am not sure I agree with most of your points.

If your DH wants to drive his DC's to school that should not be an issue. Lots of people want and can have their DSC's company in the mornings. Likewise if he wants to take them breakfast in bed, why not? Will you dislike it if he does the same things with your bio DC?

Though I do agree that you shouldn't always have to drop plans at the last minute because of them. And I can see how that might make you feel that both of you are at their beck and call. But you should disentangle little family rituals from the really inconvenient things. If you approached your DH with that list he could reasonably suspect that you resent his older children. I'd focus on the main point, let the rest of it go.

@billy1966

In essence proceed with care OP.

Parenting is largely thankless but if it is a skivvying position, proceed with even greater care.

Are you giving up independence for this "job"?

If so proceed with the greatest of care...you are entering a potentially very difficult scenario.

I agree. I wouldn't be a SAHP in this setting.

I think the step-parent should get a job

Because it's so easy in the current climate to just walk out there and 'get' a job.

OP if you're the poster that posted this previously on the relationships board you need to give the full story (of the ex wanting more free time at your expense) to get a proper opinion..

If it is you please stop tiptoeing around him and tell him to grow a spine. Your decision should be based on what you want and can manage, not public opinion.

I’d expect step parent to parent all the kids in the house. Step,half, adopted ... makes no difference IMO

I work part time. Over lockdown I did home schooling with DSD and do regular school runs. I treat her and my own DD the same. I think it’s important that they feel comfortable wherever they are. And that they are treating the same.

Op just no. I'd help on our time with dsc but that's it. I certainly wouldn't do all he school holiday. Just set the bar at what your comfortable and sod what anyon else thinks.
You are not their parent, it's nice to help as and when but that's it

Had misread. It should just be the time he’s with you.

@CoelacanthSharpener

I think the step-parent should get a job

Because it's so easy in the current climate to just walk out there and 'get' a job.

If you don't even try, you won't have any chance to ever get one .

As it happens, the "current climate" means many industries are booming. Not everything has shut down and put existing staff on furlough.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo

if their dad can't manage the logistics of having them that often then he shouldn't have them that often.

What if mum "can't manage" the logistics of having them more often either?

@Bibidy
But they both would, that's the point.

They have coped up until a SAHM luckily landed in their laps, and now they are both trying to make their own lives easier by making OP's harder.

My point was that dad can't just decide the logistics don't work and therefore mum has to pick up the slack, whether the logistics work for her or not.
That doesn't mean Dad and/or Mum should assume Step-Mum can provide the care either. The adults would need to have a conversation about it. But ultimately its up to mum and dad to solve. And if its 'dad's days' then he needs to find a solution. Unless Mum is happy/able to have the dc more.

If your DH wants to drive his DC's to school that should not be an issue. Lots of people want and can have their DSC's company in the mornings. Likewise if he wants to take them breakfast in bed, why not? Will you dislike it if he does the same things with your bio DC?

The point I was making is that DH can absolutely do this if he wants to but, if I were to help out, I will not be doing so.

Aside from being being SAHP and the roles of a SAHP, it sounds like you're on quite different pages ok several things regarding parenting, which is only going to become increasingly apparent as the children get older.
How are you going to manage a fragmented system in your household when different rules and expectations apply to different children?

In my opinion being a SAHP does include factoring in all children, not just the ones biologically relates to the SAHP, but what you do operationally as a SAHP is almost secondary to the fact that you need to agree as a household how your household will run for all children.

Of course you should be there for step children. Step children should be treated the same as your own kids, that’s what happens when you marry and take on the role of step mum. Poor kids otherwise.

No it isn't. They are not her children legally or morally and have two parents.
Ops child has two parents. Op's dp exw isn't responsible for op n dps child anymore than op is responsible for exw and dps children.
It's madness and overstepping to suggest otherwise. Treating children fairly isn't met by op doing all the work fo their parents.
Fabulous to help 1 day a week op if you want but thats your choice not an obligation.

I was the step parent in this scenario, although I did work 2 days a week. On the other 3 I looked after my own children and steps during term time. Dropped to school, picked up etc.

But in the holidays, no. Looking after 4 kids ranging between 10 and 4 was really challenging. I hated it. It was draining and i resented it. I left the relationship in the end. That wasn't the only reason, but the relief I felt when I inky had my DCs to consider was enormous.

I think the step-parent should get a job

Why?
Are you against SAHPs in general or just against the ones who happen to be stepparents?

Why are so many people assuming that the SAHP is a woman?

OP, I’m the (female) primary bread winner in my household and if I was with a partner / spouse who was a SAHP / I supported them financially? Then absolutely yes, I would fully expect that part of their role in my life would be to help me with the logistics of my children/ childcare. If they refused to, what’s the point? I bust a gut WOHM providing for them/ their lifestyle/food/ shopping and they tell me they can’t help me with my children?

Pffft. Whilst every creature comfort afforded to them is as a result of my work? Thanks but no thanks. I’d rather be single and pay for a nanny.

I think it all depends on the circumstances! I think it would be harsh if there was a similar aged sibling who could come straight home after school but they had to go to after school club!

My ex’s fiancée/ partner (so you’d say their step mum even if not technically) doesn’t look after Ds after school or without exh there while she’s on mat leave, but there’s a bit difference between a baby and a 7 yo. My Dd is 12 so comes home by herself. She doesn’t get looked after by step mum as such. More likely to help her out with baby!

Pleaseaddcaffine
If someone wants to have territory lines drawn on children within the same households, they would be wise not to blend families.
If someone doesn't want to be involved with someone else's children, the solution is to avoid settling down and having babies with people who already have children.

Also Ds goes to a CM rather than asc

Why are so many people assuming that the SAHP is a woman?

Oh don’t be daft.

It’s a safe assumption given overwhelming majority are women.

It’s an assumption backed up by statistics.
So not an unreasonable one to make

I’m not being daft. Wind your neck in.
Plenty of women WOHM also.

@Overthebow

Of course you should be there for step children. Step children should be treated the same as your own kids, that’s what happens when you marry and take on the role of step mum. Poor kids otherwise.

So if OP wouldn’t make breakfast for a secondary age child of her own, make their breakfast or run around getting them ready for school while they sat on their arses that’s what she should do?

Does this mean she can pull them up on their manners, decide they have to eat vegetables, tell them to tidy their rooms, get off their phones, attend parent evenings and assemblies? Like she would with her own children?

I think that it's reasonable to expect you to look after them in as much as it fits around what you are doing anyway. For example the breakfast example - if it's just a matter of putting out some bowls and cereal etc then why not. I also think taking them to school is fair enough - you decided to marry a man with children, presumably he's the one paying for your car, it doesn't seem ridiculous to ask for the occasional lift for his children.
I also think that, while you have the right to expect politeness from the children, and some help around the home, and of course to be able to discipline them if their parents aren't around, you can't really expect to have a say in the fundamentals of how their parents are bringing them up. For example if parents want them to be dropped at school in the car, that isn't really up to you. Your husband can ask you to take them and you should probably agree to do it unless it is a major inconvenience - not just refuse because you think they are old enough to get the bus.
You shouldn't be expected to give up plans to look after them last minute. I think you should be consulted before plans are changed.
It sounds like there's a good relationship between your husband and the ex which can only be a good thing so I'd try and avoid rocking the boat over a matter of minor parenting principle. If you really can't stomach it then consider going back to work and then you won't be available. Of course then you won't be free to do nice days out with your own child either.

sassbott
Why are so many people assuming that the SAHP is a woman?

Because she describes herself as a SAH M?